guys who friendzone girls will never want anything more - right?

[kourix]

to all those reading: i hope you don't read my past - it's a messy mess. i've posted alot about this particular guy whom i've been having a rollercoaster ride with. but i hope you don't judge my past on my present. just disregard everything i've said about him so far and treat this as a fresh post, if you could

 

X and i were dating and it didn't work out - he had no feelings for me so he stopped it. we've dated other people after. on my end, i've always felt extremely comfortable with him so we've remained friends(very tough and frequent arguments but we end up hanging out again anyway, not just because of sex. we do hang out purely as friends where we would meet every week to do certain activities, like explore the jungle, go cycling, watch a movie - normal stuff).

each time we got too close for comfort (for eg., ending up in bed together), we would 'talk' and he made it very clear that he had no feelings for me, everything was just physical ("i'm a guy after all and you're attractive" - his words). this has happened at least 4-5 times - the talks, not just the sex. at the same time, he's full of compliments for me. he is physically attracted to me, and he enjoys my company. what he couldn't get over was that i was "not a challenge and he knew he had me". he would teach me ways to get guys (look and smile at them!) etc, and saying i'm better than the girls he dated etc but he just couldn't feel anything for me. he even joked that when i started dating someone else, he would probably realise he made a mistake and come after me. in a way, he was kind in his rejection - firm but kind. i am a grown-up, and i recognize that keeping in touch with him was wrong and i can't blame him when we ended up sleeping together and all that - because he was always clear about his feelings - pure physical attraction, nothing else, so don't develop feelings because we will never work out. if i wasn't comfortable with it, he would stop talking to me. if i wasn't comfortable with it, he would (try) not to sleep with me either. i just had to say the word. it got to a point where we could hang out and not end up sleeping together (so long as we avoided his place, we were good). so we mainly remained good friends who saw each other once a week.

 

it took awhile, but it finally hit me that this guy would never see me as anything more than a friend, or friend with benefits so to speak. i was sad but i came to terms with it. i knew he wouldn't be in my future.

 

i went on a trip with him a few weeks back, to an island, jungles and mountain climbing. we planned it a couple of months back, and it wasn't meant as a romantic trip - it was just a friends trip. overall it was fun, but we had our arguments, and i remember thinking - thank god we'll never be together, we're too stubborn for each other. during the trip, we did cuddle in bed, act couply etc, but we never mentioned anything about being together or trying again. like i said - i knew everything he did was him being "caught up in the moment" - it's a vacation, we're physically attracted to each other. i never gave it any thought.

 

we came back, and we made no mention of it. we just went back to being friends. we came back about two weeks ago. then this past friday, he wanted to bring me out with his work colleagues/friends - but due to bad timing, it didn't work out. his colleagues had asked him to watch a movie with him and for some reason he told them he was gonna bring me. i didn't know about this until he told me. (i've never met his colleagues btw, don't know them.)

 

then, we made plans to meet on sunday to hang out.

on sat night, i went clubbing. i wanted to invite him but he had plans. at 1am, he saw me online (on whatsapp) and asked why i wasn't sleeping yet so i told him i was out and he should come join me. he said "you come here, and i'll sing for you if you wanna dance". i said no, so he said good night! weird though - he has never messaged me like this before. he doesn't "check up" on me actually.

 

anyhoo, on sunday, we were supposed to meet in the evening (he had to shop for stuff for his upcoming trip, he's leaving tmr for two weeks), but i wanted to go somewhere so in the end we ended up meeting early, and the plan was to have lunch, meet his best friend to get stuff and then do our own stuff after.

so we're having lunch, and i was arguing with him about friday's miscommunication (i was sore about it), and he laughed and said:

"you know, this is so funny, here i am having all the drama of having a girlfriend, when you're not my girlfriend, when actually i wanted the opposite with you".

this threw me off and i pretended not to understand it and changed topic immediately. many things were running through my mind. and he said "don't get it?" and i said nope... and he was just like "haha you're so clever..."

so i said "haha whatever, anyway blah blah blah" anything to change the topic.

inside i was freaking out - i didn't know what he was saying, 1) was he saying he was hoping to get together with me as a gf without the drama?

 

or maybe he meant - 2) he didn't want me as a gf, but he wanted all the good things about having a gf? like being able to to girlfriend things with someone when he wanted to but not have the commitment? and unfortunately i wasn't giving it to him because i was getting into fights with him - like a "bad" gf would.

 

then things started getting weird (at least in my opinion). like, he asked me if i was "nervous about meeting his best friend". i said no, i had no reason to be.

so after lunch, we went to meet his best friend and the gf. so they bought their stuff and we went to have ice cream. and it went alright - and they knew we had plans to watch a movie, so he was looking at seats on his phone and he said "oh look, there's couple seats available! we should book those, sooo romantic!" and i just said i'll think about it. it's just weird, he's never been like that with me, except when we were dating.

 

in the end, we decided to go to his place first to put things down (he had tents and all that) before heading out again. so we went back, and i was texting my friend who was having a rs crisis and i told him about it and he just pulled me onto the bed (to cuddle, not have sex) and said "put your phone down, who cares about your friend as long as we're happy?"

 

so weird. at this point i was kinda freaking out internally because honestly, he has been so firm with me i've tossed the idea of us being together out of my mind. i don't see him in my future. i have feelings, but i know in 5 years, he won't be in my life.

 

so nvm, moving on, we walked around and went to have dinner. the movie i wanted to catch was too far so i figured we'd just hang around his area and come back after to watch a movie at his place. so we walk around and went to have dinner. when we got to the seats, we sat opposite each other. after awhile he says, "the table is too big, you're so far away it's so hard to talk to you" and i'm like yeah kinda i guess. then he says "wanna come and sit next to me?" so we sit and we talk and blah blah.

 

after that we head back to his place, watch a movie (well basically i watched it; star ways because he fell asleep halfway while we snuggled). after the movie, i stayed over.

 

as we were going to sleep, this was all too much for me because it is so weird, i got up the courage (kinda, it took alot of stammering and like 10 mins of going in circles) and said

 

me: so... what you said today during lunch, you were kidding, right?

x: about what?

me: you know... the thing you said about bad part of a gf etc, and that sentence after...

x: yeah with you i get like half-half, some good some bad, can't get all the good and none of the bad haha

me: oh is that what you meant? so it was like a joke

x: mmm... i guess yeah, it was a joke...

me: okay... coz' like nothing's changed right? we're just friends?

x: *shrugs his shoulders* mmm..

me: we're not dating right?

x: mumbles something about "yeah dating maybe if it's just dating now"

then he continues

x: (my name), why can't we just enjoy the good day for what it is. it was a good day and we shouldn't be analysing it everytime and like running it over etc.

me: (at this point i just wanna kill myself coz' i hate conversations like this) no, i just wanted to... oh nevermind, you're right, okay good night!

 

(the conversation went something like this - not exactly maybe but i can't really remember - i don't remember awkward moments well and this was a huge awkward convo)

 

one thing that really stuck out was his reply when i mentioned are we dating. previously, when we had "talks" he ALWAYS made sure to tell me that NOTHING was happening between us, that he had no feelings, we're just friends etc. very very clear, which i really appreciated. this time, he gave a weird, non-committal answer which adds to the confusion!

 

and we go to sleep. he continues to spoon me and we pretend like nothing happened.

 

okay, i have to make something clear; the reason why i asked him was not because i wanted to be together - in fact i was really scared he wanted that because he's always said he had NO FEELINGS whatsoever so it's been drilled in me and this just took me by surprise. also, i've been looking forward to going on dates with other guys.

when i asked him about it at the end of the night, it was because i wanted to be sure i wasn't imagining things, that we were just doing this because we were both single, not because either of us wanted to be together with the other.

so the next morning, we both head to work, and we haven't talked since. he's going away tmr - i don't know if i should text him a "bye, have a safe trip!" text or just not contact him at all and let him just fly off and if he decides to contact me in future, then reply?

 

NOW he's acting normal - the not texting me part, i'm used to this. it's the other stuff that's weird. maybe i'm just reading too much into this? i'm not ready for him to want to be together, and i don't want us to go back into "complicated". at the same time, i want to clarify the situation but don't want him thinking this is me "jumping the gun and being clingy and excited" because he might see me in a different light now.

 

i don't know - any advice guys? am i just simply reading too much into it, and he's not into me at all and i'm being stupid?

 

for those who don't know the drama we've been through, please don't go reading into my previous posts about him, and don't judge "us" based on that. i would just like to know whether a normal, platonic friend, could do this without wanting anything more.

 

maybe he was just lonely and/or horny? i really don't wanna get my hopes up after finally accepting us as to be as it is.

i especially don't get the part about the "bad parts of gf blah blah" during lunch - any guys can shed light on that?

 

Thanks for any help

Edited August 7, 2012 by kourix

[Leopard]

I think that girls that are friendzoned will never be girlfriends, but the guy might have sex with them out of convenience. Especially if he knows the girl likes him and is willing.

 

OR

 

Friendzoned girls might be rebounds after the guy has had a breakup from a serious relationship. Again, because she is available and convenient.

[Jamesblame]

When a guy friendzones you, you're friendzoned.

 

 

Most guys are invested in getting what they want, even the less aggressive ones. It's unfortunate because I recently lost a fair amount of female friends after telling them that I was getting into a new relationship. They weren't interested in me socially...they had just been waiting for me to "come around" and date them.

 

My supposed friends, said that I was sending mixed signals to them, which was funny because if you ask my current girl or my exes....most would say I don't send signals. The only signal I send when interested in a new partner is that I want them.

 

You'll know if a guy wants you. If you aren't sure about it, then its probably not high on his list of priorities.

 

FWB isn't romance or liking someone. In many cases, it's an act of disrespect. I like all my female friends, but I've never been comfortable with a FWB situation--even among the ones who I've felt physical chemistry. The reason being that I wouldn't want to date them, romantically and FWB could genuinely hurt their feelings.

Edited August 7, 2012 by Jamesblame

[RedRobin]

This guy isn't your friend at any level.

 

Real friends don't f each other because they don't have any other willing holes/pogo sticks or treat them like they are disposable.

 

End this while you still have some self-respect intact.

[kevinsan]

Stay away from this guy. He knows you like him and hes using you for sex. Would you do this to one of your friends? Probably not, but he is. Therefore he is not a friend you want to have.

 

And from the way you talk about him, it seems like he could make you an unfaithful partner if he so desired. Get rid of him. No more chances.

[The Way I Am]

I've not read anything you've written in the past, so my advice is strictly based on this post.

 

It makes him feel good knowing he can have you if he wants you. You were starting to get over him, which is a blow to his ego. He's being romantic and dangling that "girlfriend" carrot in order to win back the ego boost.

 

What he didn't say is very important. He didn't say he wants you to be his girlfriend. If he did, he could have easily said so.

 

If you sleep with him, he'll be right back to "I have no feelings for you". He's given himself just enough room to pin the misunderstanding on you. By only vaguely implying he wants a relationship, he can convince you after you've slept with him that you don't have the right to be angry with him, because you're in the wrong for assuming he'd changed his mind.

 

You'll be heartbroken all over again after getting your hopes up.

 

He's bad for you and even keeping him around as a "friend" is bad for you. Do you think any of those potential dates would be comfortable with your situation with this guy? Nope. By having him in your life, you're just putting up an obstacle toward a real relationship.

[kourix]

thanks all.

 

thewayiam; i really like your response, esp the "what he didn't say is very important" part. you're right. he knows how i feel, he shouldn't be playing with my feelings like that, dangling and pulling back. i mean, if a guy wants you, he will make it obvious. anything else is breadcrumbs and nothing else. i've waited so long for him, if he decides that he wants to try something, but gets freaked out when i ask about it, he obviously doesn't want it enough.

 

i came here initially with hopes that someone would tell me, oh yes he's showing interest, maybe he's changed his mind blah blah, but after thinking about it, i know it's just going to end badly, again.

 

i've been dating a few guys recently, and i keep comparing them to him. i even leave early to meet him after, which is so bad, because at the same time, i don't tell him i go on dates (coz i don't want to "hurt" him)... ironic.

 

so those dates don't work out because i end up comparing them to him and not wanting anything more, i guess it's time for me to "man" up and tell him, even lie to him, that i'm dating someone so i can break free so to speak. i know i could never deal with my date telling me he still speaks and hang with his ex-gf. it's just too messy.

[The Way I Am]

Sorry the advice couldn't be more positive. I feel for you, because I did the same thing twice before I learned. 1.5 years the the first time and 2 years the second time with a couple years between. So total 3.5 years of passing over other potential guys.

 

They followed the exact same pattern as your guy.

 

The first guy said he didn't want a relationship about 6 months in, and we were supposedly just friends after that. But he claimed he did have feelings for me and couldn't help his attraction to me. He always managed to keep me thinking there might be something I could do to make him change his mind about a relationship.

 

The second guy never said he didn't want a relationship, but he wouldn't say he did either. It always felt like he had one foot out the door. After 2 years being strung along, he moved for a job and barely contacted me anymore. I met a guy I really liked, so I told him things were over and that I was starting to see someone else. Then suddenly he got really sweet and frequently called to check up on me. He even left flowers and balloons on my doorstep for Valentine's day.

 

It didn't work out with the new guy. And when I wasn't seeing anyone, all the attention and romantic gestures slowly died off.

 

It's kind of sad, because I really liked the new guy. While I had cut off the guy who strung me along and wasn't involved with him, he was still toying with my emotions. I think that was a large part of why it didn't work out. The things I'd had to deal with from him had made me a too paranoid and too clingy.

 

so those dates don't work out because i end up comparing them to him and not wanting anything more

 

Know the feeling.

 

i guess it's time for me to "man" up and tell him, even lie to him, that i'm dating someone so i can break free so to speak.

 

Be careful not to fall for it if he suddenly turns all sweet and romantic. It won't be because he wants you. It'll be because he wants what he can't have. You'll drive yourself insane trying to have a relationship with someone who only wants you when they can't have you.

 

I don't think you need to lie to him and say you're dating someone else. Just tell him that because of your feelings for him, you don't think his friendship is healthy for you. Ask him to please leave you be so you can move on.

 

Hopefully you can save yourself from the mistakes I made and be done with this guy so you can get your head clear. Good luck!

[proseandpassion]

I have been this girl before. It's confusing. Don't read into anything. It is just what it is. If you can have sex with him and remain clear-headed and don't get too attached, do it (and if you enjoy it). If this is just making you more confused, cease the physical activities... he and you are both using each other, in a way.

[proseandpassion]

thanks all.

 

thewayiam; i really like your response, esp the "what he didn't say is very important" part. you're right. he knows how i feel, he shouldn't be playing with my feelings like that, dangling and pulling back. i mean, if a guy wants you, he will make it obvious. anything else is breadcrumbs and nothing else. i've waited so long for him, if he decides that he wants to try something, but gets freaked out when i ask about it, he obviously doesn't want it enough.

 

i came here initially with hopes that someone would tell me, oh yes he's showing interest, maybe he's changed his mind blah blah, but after thinking about it, i know it's just going to end badly, again.

 

i've been dating a few guys recently, and i keep comparing them to him. i even leave early to meet him after, which is so bad, because at the same time, i don't tell him i go on dates (coz i don't want to "hurt" him)... ironic.

 

so those dates don't work out because i end up comparing them to him and not wanting anything more, i guess it's time for me to "man" up and tell him, even lie to him, that i'm dating someone so i can break free so to speak. i know i could never deal with my date telling me he still speaks and hang with his ex-gf. it's just too messy.

 

Ohh, I feel for you so hard because I have been there in the very recent past... I had an extremely similar situation about a year ago and I dumped several really nice guys because I was too hung up on the 'friend'. Bad, bad, bad. When I finally strayed away from him when I realized it was better for me, he did almost anything he could to get me back into the fold. Lots of "I miss you" over and over again. I also refrained from telling him about dates. And the one time I did he blew up at me and got angry.

 

PM me if you want to vent and commiserate, I am still sort of trying to escape this person that is similar to your friend. Maybe we can help each other.

[Casablanca]

It is possible for it to change, like others said it might be a rebound of a FWB, but I wouldn't say it is impossible that he might want more one day, but I just wouldn't count on it

[kourix]

Ohh, I feel for you so hard because I have been there in the very recent past... I had an extremely similar situation about a year ago and I dumped several really nice guys because I was too hung up on the 'friend'. Bad, bad, bad. When I finally strayed away from him when I realized it was better for me, he did almost anything he could to get me back into the fold. Lots of "I miss you" over and over again. I also refrained from telling him about dates. And the one time I did he blew up at me and got angry.

 

PM me if you want to vent and commiserate, I am still sort of trying to escape this person that is similar to your friend. Maybe we can help each other.

 

thanks p&p, i would love to commiserate and understand better what you're doing to escape him and how you're dealing with it? i'm dreading the day i cut off contact. did you give in to him when he started being 'nice'? or have you had enough of this crap?

fortunately(or unfortunately) i don't think he would care if i walked out of his life, he said he's used to people leaving him. we've tried cutting off contact before but eventually i would get a text and lie to myself that we could be friends. i need a slap in the face, and the courage to delete him from my life.

 

i would PM you i don't think i can PM though, being a new member.

[kourix]

Sorry the advice couldn't be more positive. I feel for you, because I did the same thing twice before I learned. 1.5 years the the first time and 2 years the second time with a couple years between. So total 3.5 years of passing over other potential guys.

 

They followed the exact same pattern as your guy.

 

Be careful not to fall for it if he suddenly turns all sweet and romantic. It won't be because he wants you. It'll be because he wants what he can't have. You'll drive yourself insane trying to have a relationship with someone who only wants you when they can't have you.

 

Hopefully you can save yourself from the mistakes I made and be done with this guy so you can get your head clear. Good luck!

 

what i appreciate about him is he's always been really, really honest with me.

he's said it to my face "i do want a girlfriend, but you're not the one". that's why i could accept us for what we were. i knew he had no feelings, i knew he had no motives; he was never ambiguous about it, and if we ended up sleeping together, i knew it was because he was horny, plain and simple. he never tried to lead me on, he was very clear.

 

we try not to sleep together, we only do it when we went overseas, but you know, 2 people, stuck with each other, things happen. other than that, when we hang out, we keep away from his place.

 

i guess this time i'm just annoyed that his behaviour *seems* to have changed. this was not the agreement, and it's just thrown me off. i could deal with us hanging out and hooking up when i knew it didn't mean anything, but don't try to act like you might be interested when you're not. he's spent so much time telling me we'll never be together, that we're not meant for each other, it's drilled into my head. and now he's acting weird, and when i try to ask him about it, he avoids it and makes me look stupid in the process. he's brought enough drama as it is into my life, i don't need more after i finally found peace with "us".

i can't deal with ambiguity because it's making me fall back in love...

as for lying about it - well that's more to protect myself. if i tell him i'm dating someone else, i won't be able to "fall back" into him when he texts again, since i supposedly have a new guy

[kourix]

It is possible for it to change, like others said it might be a rebound of a FWB, but I wouldn't say it is impossible that he might want more one day, but I just wouldn't count on it

 

yeah, i have to tell myself i'm not in the movie "friends with benefits"

though i really liked that movie

[phineas]

I don't "F" my friends.

[Casablanca]