A dumping offence, or am I overreacting?

[thepaddy]

hi guys, this is a final update on this saga for those that are interested.

 

short answer is that i have now ended the relationship and it's over.

 

i didn't end it for the the going to sports game thing which we discussed in this thread. i'll spare you the details but i subsequently caught her out in a pretty serious lie (not cheating) and which had been going on for all the while i had known her and which completely blew all trust i had in her. also her behaviour and attitude towards me over the last couple of weeks had started to deteriorate further, so i did a bit of detective work and, hey presto, i discovered that my uneasy feeling about something not being quite 'right' with the relationship was totally justified.

 

i've done a bit of reading around in the last couple of weeks too and all i can say is that going out with someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) is not pretty.

 

i'm going to disconnect from this board temporarily. i'm feeling really sh**ty right now and i need to sort my head out. that could take a while but i know i will come round eventually. i really thought that this relationship was it, but i was totally wrong. it's really hard to accept that i could have got it so wrong, but if someone has the above mental condition, is manipulative, pathologically deceitful and also a great actress then all bets are off it seems.

Edited August 19, 2012 by thepaddy

[kaylan]

^And people were actually trying to defend this woman in this thread.

 

Youre better off OP and thanks for the update.

 

Good luck and you will find a better lady.

[maybealone]

^And people were actually trying to defend this woman in this thread.

 

People weren't necessarily trying to defend this woman, but a woman whose whole story was not yet known to us. Benefit of the doubt: It's not always a bad thing for humans to give.

 

OP, I am sorry things didn't work out, but glad you found out sooner rather than later. Even thought that doesn't help with the awful feelings now.

[kaylan]

People weren't necessarily trying to defend this woman, but a woman whose whole story was not yet known to us. Benefit of the doubt: It's not always a bad thing for humans to give.

 

OP, I am sorry things didn't work out, but glad you found out sooner rather than later. Even thought that doesn't help with the awful feelings now.

Whole story my butt =p. The OP gave us enough info to peg his chick...I and many others pegged her correctly. The way some people defended her is exactly why so many people get the wool pulled over their eyes and end up getting played in relationships. Id say Im a great judge of character and can spot BS from a mile away...so I call it as I see it.

 

This chick didnt deserve benefit of the doubt with how OP described things. If something smells fishy, then you may have fish on your hands. Benefit of the doubt is how people end up wasting their time and getting hurt worse. You have to judge accordingly when someone starts to behave badly.

[maybealone]

Benefit of the doubt is how people end up wasting their time and getting hurt worse.

 

How I typically end up wasting my time and getting hurt worse is by being "all in" two months into a relationship. That's why I wouldn't be letting someone determine what is acceptable behavior or not in me in a relationship that new. It's a defense mechanism that, in my experience, protects me.

 

Obviously your experiences are different, and hopefully we can just agree to disagree.

[fificremefarben]

Whole story my butt =p. The OP gave us enough info to peg his chick...I and many others pegged her correctly. The way some people defended her is exactly why so many people get the wool pulled over their eyes and end up getting played in relationships. Id say Im a great judge of character and can spot BS from a mile away...so I call it as I see it.

 

This chick didnt deserve benefit of the doubt with how OP described things. If something smells fishy, then you may have fish on your hands. Benefit of the doubt is how people end up wasting their time and getting hurt worse. You have to judge accordingly when someone starts to behave badly.

 

 

How can you expect to have any kind of stable/lasting relationship which has a healthy amount of trust if you're doubting your partner at every turn and, as it seems to me, reading everything as suspicious behaviour. It almost looks like you're actively looking for the slightest reason to offload someone out of your life. I get it, it's about protecting yourself, but it's just a shame that it has to make you so hard-hearted at the same time. Don't get me wrong, I've been hurt in the past, badly, yet I'd never want to let it affect me to the extent that I place ridiculous demands on my partner and where I can't find it in me to trust them all because of my own insecurities. I believe in playing fair in a relationships, sure, but I still maintain that if someone isn't willing to trust me at my word and "let" me have my own life and friends (regardless of their gender) when I make it known that they're the one that I've chosen to be with then, see ya!

 

So the OP maintains that this girl did end up being shady. Fair enough. Though he didn't specify particularly well as to what exactly happened so, as far as I'm concerned, this girl could still be perfectly innocent and the OP is judging the situation based on his insecurities. We just don't know. She could be the shadiest character out there, or she's just been badly judged. Who knows? I still don't see how any of you can claim to know this girl from reading a few lines of text. I only hope that you and the others who "had this girl pegged" ( the same people who, by the way, wouldn't know this girl from Adam if they spotted her in the street yet claim to know everything about her from a few lines of text) can find partners who can live up to their high/stifling standards.

[Imajerk17]

Those of you who are defending this chick are IMO, missing the point. Even if there was a video cam on this girl and her friend the whole time that confirmed that "nothing" happened between the two, what she did was still wrong.

 

You don't put another guy before your boyfriend. You don't put another girl before your girlfriend. You don't give the appearance of putting another guy before your boyfriend. You don't give the appearance of putting another girl before your girlfriend. Simple as that. You don't put yourself in situations that even LOOK sketchy. That is a part of being faithful too.

Edited August 19, 2012 by Imajerk17

[writergal]

It's really not the same thing. Lying would be her saying or strongly implying that she was meeting with a female friend - which the OP didn't mention her doing. Lack of full disclosure isn't the same as lying.

 

If the OP was really upset about being sidelined and having his plans with his girlfriend cancelled, then he would've been upset whether or not the friend was female or male. As he tells it though, he was fine while he assumed the friend was female - but once he found out it was a guy, his defences were up.

 

Perhaps she didn't mention who she was meeting because she didn't think it was important. Or maybe she didn't mention it because she thinks the OP has a jealous/insecure streak and wanted to avoid an argument. This just doesn't seem like an offence worthy of being broken up for.

 

 

Sounds like the OP and his girlfriend have a really good relationship overall, so would be a shame to let such a non-event ruin it.

 

Ex-queeze me?!

 

Lying by omission IS LYING. It's called "continuing mis-representation." The OP's girlfriend deliberately lied to him because she knew that if she called him on the phone and told him she was going out with a new guy friend, the OP would get upset. Why? Because it's the same as her calling the OP up to say, "Hey I'm going to cancel our date so I can go on another date and cheat on you. Hope you don't mind. Let's get together another time!"

 

The OP's girlfriend took the cowardly way by sending him a vague text OMITTING an important fact - her friend is a guy. That she omitted this important detail, is what makes the OP's girlfriend guilty of lying to him.

 

And you are delusional to call her omitting this fact a non-event. It sounds to me like you condone cheating, the way you nonchalantly defend the OP's girlfriend. She didn't mention that her friend was a guy because she knew it would upset her boyfriend. After all, she's canceling a date with her boyfriend to go out on a date (yes, it's a date) with another guy. That's cheating. Plain and simple.

 

Lying by omission is still lying, purple_tigger. Shakespeare even said it, "a rose by any other name, still smells as sweet."

 

OP, you need to take this as a sign that your girlfriend could be hiding a lot more about her dating life from you. After all, if she respected you and wanted to be with you in a committed relationship, she wouldn't have canceled the date with you just to go out with another guy on a date.

 

I'd say what she did is a dumping offense and if you end it now, you will save yourself from a lot of covert lying on her part that is sure to pop up again in the near future.

Edited August 19, 2012 by writergal

[phineas]

Those of you who are defending this chick are IMO, missing the point. Even if there was a video cam on this girl and her friend the whole time that confirmed that "nothing" happened between the two, what she did was still wrong.

 

You don't put another guy before your boyfriend. You don't put another girl before your girlfriend. You don't give the appearance of putting another guy before your boyfriend. You don't give the appearance of putting another girl before your girlfriend. Simple as that. You don't put yourself in situations that even LOOK sketchy. That is a part of being faithful too.

 

Sadly I don't think their missing it.

I think they believe this is perfectly acceptable to do when in a relationship.

[kaylan]

How I typically end up wasting my time and getting hurt worse is by being "all in" two months into a relationship. That's why I wouldn't be letting someone determine what is acceptable behavior or not in me in a relationship that new. It's a defense mechanism that, in my experience, protects me.

 

Obviously your experiences are different, and hopefully we can just agree to disagree.

Meh...some people feel strongly enough about someone that in 2 months they give their all. Thats up to them...but it was also up to OP to figure out if his ex's behavior was acceptable or not. He felt it wasnt, many of us agreed with him...and it turned out we were right. As I said...if something smells fishy, you may have fish on your hands.

[Imajerk17]

kaylan and maybealone:

 

I think what I said a few posts above ought to hold in any healthy exclusive relationship. Even if you just became exclusive. (Maybe even more so because it's at the beginning when you're on your best behavior.

 

However... if I were dating someone I really liked and it was clear they liked me back, I would be VERY careful about breaking dates. Especially to hang out with someone of the opposite sex.

[kaylan]

How can you expect to have any kind of stable/lasting relationship which has a healthy amount of trust if you're doubting your partner at every turn and, as it seems to me, reading everything as suspicious behaviour.

Trust is earned, and OP's ex was not behaving in a way that cultivates trust. So dont try this "how can you ever have a good relationship" stuff with me, especially when this girl is doing shady things. I look at things realistically, and OPs gf was not deserved of any benefit of the doubt.

 

It almost looks like you're actively looking for the slightest reason to offload someone out of your life. I get it, it's about protecting yourself, but it's just a shame that it has to make you so hard-hearted at the same time. Don't get me wrong, I've been hurt in the past, badly, yet I'd never want to let it affect me to the extent that I place ridiculous demands on my partner and where I can't find it in me to trust them all because of my own insecurities.

You must not read my posts a lot. If anything Im one of the most even handed posters on this board. I take peoples action for what they are and dont make excuses for them. Im not going to tell an OP "everything is ok, you need to trust him/her" when obviously their partner is up to something. What you are advocating is exactly why people get played a lot. You gotta be real in the dating world. People have to earn trust...you dont just blindly give it away....especially when many people are selfish and only out for their own needs.

 

Its not about insecurities dude...its about a gf and a bf doing the right thing and respecting their partner. Dont make exuses for misbehavior and blame an OP by saying "why cant you trust?"...especially after the fact that the offenders true colors came to light as not so good.

 

I believe in playing fair in a relationships, sure, but I still maintain that if someone isn't willing to trust me at my word and "let" me have my own life and friends (regardless of their gender) when I make it known that they're the one that I've chosen to be with then, see ya!

Trust you at your word? You earn that trust...and you cant earn it when your breaking plans to go hang out with other people of the opposite sex...ALONE....come on now. Only guilty people take issue with their partner showing concern of such behavior. Its down right suspicious for a reason. We all know that.

So the OP maintains that this girl did end up being shady. Fair enough. Though he didn't specify particularly well as to what exactly happened so, as far as I'm concerned, this girl could still be perfectly innocent and the OP is judging the situation based on his insecurities. We just don't know.

Doubtful she didnt do anything wrong. Im pretty sure the OP was hurt badly by something bad she did, especially with her mental disorder, and hes prolly embarrassed about how she played him. Why would he want to rehash it all to everyone? I love how you keep trying to shame and blame the OP

She could be the shadiest character out there, or she's just been badly judged. Who knows? I still don't see how any of you can claim to know this girl from reading a few lines of text. I only hope that you and the others who "had this girl pegged" ( the same people who, by the way, wouldn't know this girl from Adam if they spotted her in the street yet claim to know everything about her from a few lines of text) can find partners who can live up to their high/stifling standards.

High standards? Im sorry, I wasnt aware that its high standards to want honesty and lack of game playing from a partner. I wasnt aware that it was high standards to want a partner who doesnt suspiciously cancel plans so she can hang out alone with other men.

 

Get real. And I guess we should all believe all this is a figment of OPs imagination and insecurities, despite every sign saying that isnt the case.

 

Gimme a break.

Edited August 19, 2012 by kaylan

[mickleb]

hi guys, this is a final update on this saga for those that are interested.

 

short answer is that i have now ended the relationship and it's over.

 

i didn't end it for the the going to sports game thing which we discussed in this thread. i'll spare you the details but i subsequently caught her out in a pretty serious lie (not cheating) and which had been going on for all the while i had known her and which completely blew all trust i had in her. also her behaviour and attitude towards me over the last couple of weeks had started to deteriorate further, so i did a bit of detective work and, hey presto, i discovered that my uneasy feeling about something not being quite 'right' with the relationship was totally justified.

 

i've done a bit of reading around in the last couple of weeks too and all i can say is that going out with someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) is not pretty.

 

i'm going to disconnect from this board temporarily. i'm feeling really sh**ty right now and i need to sort my head out. that could take a while but i know i will come round eventually. i really thought that this relationship was it, but i was totally wrong. it's really hard to accept that i could have got it so wrong, but if someone has the above mental condition, is manipulative, pathologically deceitful and also a great actress then all bets are off it seems.

 

Hi paddy. Again, thanks for the update and sorry to hear you found out she was lying to you about something.

 

You said you were going to take a break from here. I'd recommend posting in the Break Up section, if you do want to 'talk'.

 

If you are reading, and do want to continue with this thread, I was going to ask you when you found out she has BPD? Was this something she disclosed early on?

 

Anyway, my thoughts are with you. Hope to hear from you again in the future.

[fificremefarben]

Trust is earned, and OP's ex was not behaving in a way that cultivates trust. So dont try this "how can you ever have a good relationship" stuff with me, especially when this girl is doing shady things. I look at things realistically, and OPs gf was not deserved of any benefit of the doubt.

 

You must not read my posts a lot. If anything Im one of the most even handed posters on this board. I take peoples action for what they are and dont make excuses for them. Im not going to tell an OP "everything is ok, you need to trust him/her" when obviously their partner is up to something. What you are advocating is exactly why people get played a lot. You gotta be real in the dating world. People have to earn trust...you dont just blindly give it away....especially when many people are selfish and only out for their own needs.

 

Its not about insecurities dude...its about a gf and a bf doing the right thing and respecting their partner. Dont make exuses for misbehavior and blame an OP by saying "why cant you trust?"...especially after the fact that the offenders true colors came to light as not so good.

 

Trust you at your word? You earn that trust...and you cant earn it when your breaking plans to go hang out with other people of the opposite sex...ALONE....come on now. Only guilty people take issue with their partner showing concern of such behavior. Its down right suspicious for a reason. We all know that.

Doubtful she didnt do anything wrong. Im pretty sure the OP was hurt badly by something bad she did, especially with her mental disorder, and hes prolly embarrassed about how she played him. Why would he want to rehash it all to everyone? I love how you keep trying to shame and blame the OP

High standards? Im sorry, I wasnt aware that its high standards to want honesty and lack of game playing from a partner. I wasnt aware that it was high standards to want a partner who doesnt suspiciously cancel plans so she can hang out alone with other men.

 

Get real. And I guess we should all believe all this is a figment of OPs imagination and insecurities, despite every sign saying that isnt the case.

 

Gimme a break.

 

 

The world of dating is a jigsaw puzzle, like I said. You believe what you believe and I believe what I believe. No big.

[strongnrelaxed]

Wow. You hit a nerve with this one.

 

To me, the ultimate litmus test is to switch genders. If you were to post this exact dilemma as a woman, what would you expect the responses to be?

 

I am not advocating that you lie about this, but perhaps you can post here or on another site as if you had done the same thing. Then suggest that your SO is feeling the way you feel and that she is thinking about dumping you.

 

Listen to the advice you get and that will answer all of your questions.

 

Just an idea.