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A dumping offence, or am I overreacting?

thepaddy

By thepaddy
in Dating

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USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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But of...course. Let's hope it's not sausage.

 

Or fish tacos...

marilla Established Member

marilla

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i would be hurt too if that happened to me. It was insensitive and immature from her behalf but don't be so quick to judge that she doesn't care. Talk to her about this and say it bothered you. I feel it is best to communicate what you are feelings. See what she has to say-of course don't confront her but do it nicely. From now on just check her effort. If her effort towards you is great then don't worry. If she keeps on making mistakes like this then it is time to get out of this relationship. Just give it some more time since you know you have feelings for her. I want to caution you that you both have feelings but don't call those feelings love yet as love takes time to grow and it has to do with knowing each other really well-good sides and bad sides and that takes time to do. 3 months you don't know this woman well and she doesn't know you either. So take it slow and see how it goes from there.

FryFish Established Member

FryFish

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I think this is the source of some of the disagreement on here. If she'd cancelled time with thepaddy to DATE another guy - of course! You can't tell one guy you love him, then date another. But I don't view this as a date.
But it IS A DATE! The fact that you dont view personal, one on one time, out with a member of the opposite sex as a date means you would be a terrible person to be in a relationship with... It means your boundaries are drawn ALL wrong.... Girls really cant have guy straight guy friends... Because no such thing exists...

 

We DONT want to be your friend... If you are even remotely attractive, we want to ****! If we invite you out to a sporting event and dinner and its just the two of us, we are TRYING to **** you...

 

Quit being stupid.

  • Like 1
threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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But it IS A DATE! The fact that you dont view personal, one on one time, out with a member of the opposite sex as a date means you would be a terrible person to be in a relationship with... It means your boundaries are drawn ALL wrong.... Girls really cant have guy straight guy friends... Because no such thing exists...

 

We DONT want to be your friend... If you are even remotely attractive, we want to ****! If we invite you out to a sporting event and dinner and its just the two of us, we are TRYING to **** you...

 

Quit being stupid.

Not all men are raging hard-ons, waiting to happen. Not all women are cheating liars.

 

I have plenty of male friends but also include my husband in our activities. He also has access to all my accounts, emails and everything in cyberspace, if he should so wish to verify.

  • Like 2
kaylan Established Member

kaylan

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Some of the women in this thread are unbelievable. If the genders were swapped in this thread, you damn well know their response would be different.

 

Its crap like this that makes me not want to date. Women really think this crap is OK? heh, thank god I have a lot a pride now in my mid 20s...because Ive dealt with a lot of crap in my late teens and early 20s. OP, Im telling you right now, this is just the beginning of her disrespect to you...and you failed to put your foot down.

 

What would my foot down have been? I wouldnt have even voiced my displeasure with her or anyone when she canceled with me. Id hang out with her after she had her little outing, and then straight up tell her I feel what she did was disrespectful and that we should see other people. Id let her know respect, loyalty, and honesty mean a lot to me, and if you break any of those things, Im done.

 

I wouldnt be upset in my tone, I wouldnt have anger on my face. Id be straight faced and monotone and not even give a damn. Its 3 months...so she has no leeway to get away with crap like this.

  • Like 1
FryFish Established Member

FryFish

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Not all men are raging hard-ons, waiting to happen.
99.99% of us are... Its the truth, get over it.
threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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99.99% of us are... Its the truth, get over it.
Wrong again.
  • Like 2
ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

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99.99% of us are... Its the truth, get over it.

Some of us have a little more self-control than that :laugh:.

 

Just a little....

  • Like 3
ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

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Some of the women in this thread are unbelievable. If the genders were swapped in this thread, you damn well know their response would be different.

 

Its crap like this that makes me not want to date. Women really think this crap is OK? heh, thank god I have a lot a pride now in my mid 20s...because Ive dealt with a lot of crap in my late teens and early 20s. OP, Im telling you right now, this is just the beginning of her disrespect to you...and you failed to put your foot down.

 

What would my foot down have been? I wouldnt have even voiced my displeasure with her or anyone when she canceled with me. Id hang out with her after she had her little outing, and then straight up tell her I feel what she did was disrespectful and that we should see other people. Id let her know respect, loyalty, and honesty mean a lot to me, and if you break any of those things, Im done.

 

I wouldnt be upset in my tone, I wouldnt have anger on my face. Id be straight faced and monotone and not even give a damn. Its 3 months...so she has no leeway to get away with crap like this.

This is exactly how I would do it.

 

However, in London, with the people I know, if a girl pulls a move like this - it's quite likely she is f*cking the other dude. It might not be the case with this one, but generally girls actually get away with this kind of behavior and the guy is none the wiser. Sometimes, it's even a male friend that BOTH parties hang out with.

 

If I were in this situation, I would either do something similar to Kaylan, or I would break it off and completely disappear.

  • Like 1
laotzu Established Member

laotzu

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either way i am feeling a better about the whole thing now. she obviously still wants to see me that night and i would say it's totally above board and she has nothing really to hide if she's prepared to show me picutures of this guy. here's hoping he's some weedy geek and not a complete studmuffin!

 

Are you kidding me -- this made you feel better? This is classic guilt psychology: she knows she's doing something wrong (i.e. going on a date with another man while she has a boyfriend) and so offers you a scrap to assuage her own guilt. When you complain later, she'll say "but I offered to come over afterwards".

 

Another man asked a girl you're dating out on a date on weekend night, and she accepted, and gas-lighted you on the details. Likely, you're still being gas-lighted. Get out of this while you can, or prepare for the ride.

  • Like 1
phineas Established Member

phineas

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Since the OP doesn't know how long they have known each other, I can't imagine you know for sure they just met.

 

OP said she's only lived there a yr.

He's been in a 3 month relationship & has never even heard of this guy until now.

 

Seriously?

 

Either she just met him or she's been hiding him.

 

Like I said, she'd be gone if this were me.

FryFish Established Member

FryFish

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Some of us have a little more self-control than that :laugh:.

 

Just a little....

I know we have the self control... that is why there are still naive girls who think they have REAL guy friends... Just because we have self control doesnt mean we arent what we are...
pineapples Established Member

pineapples

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I almost had a little heart attack while reading the OP. :o

 

Exactly the same thing has happened to me about 2 years ago, only that I am the woman... Let me tell you. When you like someone, it is hard to see the things the way they are, because you like that person too much.

These little things that bother you, they bothered me too in my relationship, and for some reason I kept convincing myself that they were not important things. I regret now that I wasted my time with someone who kept going on dates with "friends" etc, because eventually I realized he was looking for someone else... Ouch. Don't put up with this, if you don't feel it is OK.

 

And for everyone saying it is not a big deal, well I know that people in Europe do not multidate, not even in the UK, it is not common at all.

 

Do you realize that she is willing to spend approximately 5 hours with this guy friend??

If I am in a romantic relationship, there is only one other man I will go on this kind of date with: my dad.

  • Like 1
fificremefarben Established Member

fificremefarben

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Feeling a little unsettled at some of the responses coming up in this thread. All of the stuff about putting feet down, how partners don't have the right to be alone with someone of the opposite sex when they're in a relationship with someone else etc. Basically it's "fall in line or go home", huh?

 

I have to say that if a guy showed concerns about me being alone with/going out socially with a male friend then I would take it as an admission that he didn't trust me...and then what's the point in even being together anyway if there's no trust?

  • Like 1
veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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I agree with most the guys on this.

 

Cancelling to go to dinner and stuff with another guy is totally inappropriate. If she was really interested in OP, this wouldn't be happening. The dude she is going on a date with (yes I think it is a date) has been in her life less than a year, he is not a long lost friend or anything like that. It's totally shady.

 

Okay let me rewind to when my BF and I had been dating 3 months. I'm picturing it...we have a date planned and then he texts me to say he has to cancel so he can go watch sports and go to dinner / drinks with another girl. Yeah no. I'd be like WTF and we would be having an immediate chat about it...I'd assume he was not too interested in me when he is cancelling on me, his new girl, for a different girl. No thanks!

 

But see we were really into each other. So we didn't cancel on one another unless we HAD to. Other plans didn't sound more fun than the plans we had with each other. So we kept our plans with one another. And we didn't go on dates with others cause we liked each other.

 

I know though, on LS somehow all the gals have millions of male friends who aren't interested in them sexually. In my world though, the dudes who wanna be my "friend" are interested in me romantically or sexually. So we don't go on one on one dates. It'd be totally disrespectful to my BF, and this girl is being disrespectful to the OP

veggirl Established Member

veggirl

Posted
Posted (edited)
Feeling a little unsettled at some of the responses coming up in this thread. All of the stuff about putting feet down, how partners don't have the right to be alone with someone of the opposite sex when they're in a relationship with someone else etc. Basically it's "fall in line or go home", huh?

 

I have to say that if a guy showed concerns about me being alone with/going out socially with a male friend then I would take it as an admission that he didn't trust me...and then what's the point in even being together anyway if there's no trust?

 

Did you read the post? The girl cancelled plans with her new BF so that she could go out to dinner with another guy.

 

Hey my bf has every "right" to be alone at events or dinners with girls if he wants. And I have every "right" to not be okay with that and to tell him it crosses boundaries that *I* am uncomfortable with. Thankfully we agree on appropriate boundaries, if we didn't, we'd each have the "right" to see other people and we would just break up and go pursue others who we are each more in line with.

 

I trust my BF

 

I also believe in PRO-ACTIVELY protecting my R. Part of that is not putting myself in situations where there could be temptations. Luckily he believes the same I do :)

Edited by veggirl
mickleb Established Member

mickleb

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some further information and an update:

 

last night she texts me asking if it's maybe still ok for her to come round to mine at around 11pm after she and the guy go to the sporting event and go for a drink/dinner afterwards. she says she still wants to see me and wants to show me pictures of the event etc. if she is coming she will definitely spend the night also.

 

i text back and say that i have now arranged to go out with friends (this is true) and am heading out with them. i did toy with the idea of just leaving it at that. however i thought better of it and added that maybe i could be able to get back to my place by then to see her. i also tell her to make sure to take lots of pictures of both her and her friend at the event! she texts back and says that's great and she definitely will take lots of pictures.

 

either way i am feeling a better about the whole thing now. she obviously still wants to see me that night and i would say it's totally above board and she has nothing really to hide if she's prepared to show me picutures of this guy. here's hoping he's some weedy geek and not a complete studmuffin!

 

either way i'm going to let her go, enjoy it, see her later that night, get a bit drunk and have fun together.

 

however, when the dust settles i am definitely going to have a relaxed word with her about how, if in the future she wants to rearrange plans, it is far better to speak with me rather than text. obviously as well if the cancelling of plans becomes a habit then i am alive to that and we will for sure have a problem, but i am hoping all this is just a one off.

 

Cheers for the update. Sounds rational to me, paddy.

fificremefarben Established Member

fificremefarben

Posted
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Did you read the post? The girl cancelled plans with her new BF so that she could go out to dinner with another guy.

 

Hey my bf has every "right" to be alone at events or dinners with girls if he wants. And I have every "right" to not be okay with that and to tell him it crosses boundaries that *I* am uncomfortable with. Thankfully we agree on appropriate boundaries, if we didn't, we'd each have the "right" to see other people and we would just break up and go pursue others who we are each more in line with.

 

I trust my BF

 

I also believe in PRO-ACTIVELY protecting my R. Part of that is not putting myself in situations where there could be temptations. Luckily he believes the same I do :)

 

Yeah, I read it. They didn't have specific plans, they were just "hanging out". One of her friends had tickets to a sporting event that she wanted to go to (I'm not sure if it has come up yet exactly what this sporting event it, but it's very well possible it's an event she's enthusiastic about) and were grabbing a bite afterwards. She ran it by him first, he said he was fine about it and she went out of her way to still see him that evening (offering to come by after). If she didn't really give a crap it would've been a case of "see ya when I see ya".

Garfish Established Member

Garfish

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OK, this is going to sound very "Sociobiology" of me, but I'm thinking the guy she went out with is maybe taller or better looking or has more money or a better sense of humor or is more of a "smooth talker" than you? I'm not trying to insult you Paddy, just speculating on some typical well known behavior patterns.

 

Responding to those who've said guys can't have female friends, I have one female friend I've known for decades, who I have no sexual intentions towards, who I could go out alone with and neither her guy (a GREAT buddy of mine) or my gal would suspect anything. This friend even jokes sometimes that she's a guy, and occasionally makes jokes about some observed behavior of her own gender. She really is the kind of chick who's welcome at guy's night out (but she's not "butch", that's not what I mean). That said, I'd never text my woman to tell her I was breaking a date to go out with said friend. That's called A LACK OF RESPECT, don't forget it.

 

I'm assuming you two have been intimate, you said she was 29 and she said "I love you" already at 3 months (seems crazy to me for a woman to say that at 3 months. A slightly insecure guy maybe, but a woman?). This is a short time, trust me. If you are this jealous at 3 months you have to let her go. Texting you to break the date and not even calling you? Maybe I'm showing my age but that's not cool. She may be one of those (very many) ladies who like to put some variety and "spice" in their lives. You should not have to endure so much internal stress just for a relationship that has lasted only 3 months. Either she likes being with more than one guy at a time, or, (sorry for the pop psych cliche), "She's just not that into you".

 

If that doesn't convince you, imagine staying with her and having this happening again and again for the rest of your life. Chances are she'll even do you a favor and break it off herself. It's only my opinion, but her behavior is extremely immature for a 29 year old.

Edited by Garfish
clarity
maybealone Established Member

maybealone

Posted
Posted
But it IS A DATE! The fact that you dont view personal, one on one time, out with a member of the opposite sex as a date means you would be a terrible person to be in a relationship with... It means your boundaries are drawn ALL wrong.... Girls really cant have guy straight guy friends... Because no such thing exists...

 

We don't even know if this guy is straight. Or under the age of 70. Or even remotely attractive to the OP's girlfriend.

 

At least, I hope every time I grab a quick lunch with my 64-year-old male friend, people aren't assuming we are dating.

 

Its 3 months...so she has no leeway to get away with crap like this.

 

So according to LS, women best be having sex by the third date and prepared to act like an old married woman by two+ months of dating someone? All I can say is: Wow.

 

OP said she's only lived there a yr.

He's been in a 3 month relationship & has never even heard of this guy until now.

 

Seriously?

 

Either she just met him or she's been hiding him.

 

Seriously? In the first two+ months of dating someone, you are absolutely sure you have discussed every friend you could possibly do something with? I was married for 14 years and it's quite possible I left a few out.

FryFish Established Member

FryFish

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Not married anymore... I wonder why...

maybealone Established Member

maybealone

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Not married anymore... I wonder why...

 

Really, you needed to go there? What makes you sure that I'm not a widow, or divorced for a reason other than failing to divulge every friend I have ever had over my entire life to my husband?

 

OP, I hope that you are able to just go with your gut when your girlfriend comes over. You probably know her well enough to know if she is acting differently, especially since she will be showing you pictures.

kaylan Established Member

kaylan

Posted
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So according to LS, women best be having sex by the third date and prepared to act like an old married woman by two+ months of dating someone? All I can say is: Wow..

Whats with some of you people. Learn to read what is written. I said nothing about sex, and if you read my posts, you know I dont fall in line with what every male on LS thinks. But nice try.

 

If you understood the last part of my post, youd see I was saying enough rapport isnt built by 3 months where a girl can cancel on me last minute, and have me just be ok with it. ESPECIALLY if shes bailing on me to hang out with another "guy friend"

maybealone Established Member

maybealone

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Posted (edited)
Whats with some of you people. Learn to read what is written. I said nothing about sex, and if you read my posts, you know I dont fall in line with what every male on LS thinks. But nice try.

 

No, your post here said nothing about sex. My apologies. I let my frustration with many LS posters who talk about how the "relationship must be this way by X numbers of dates/months" interfere.

 

If you understood the last part of my post, youd see I was saying enough rapport isnt built by 3 months where a girl can cancel on me last minute, and have me just be ok with it. ESPECIALLY if shes bailing on me to hang out with another "guy friend"

 

Judging by when the OP posted and when the event was, she postponed about a week ahead of time, and postponed on a date that was just to "hang out" to go to a "really cool live sporting event." I don't think that is as big of an offense as someone canceling at the last minute on a date with actual activities planned/tickets bought. But everyone is different, yes.

Edited by maybealone
phineas Established Member

phineas

Posted
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Seriously? In the first two+ months of dating someone, you are absolutely sure you have discussed every friend you could possibly do something with? I was married for 14 years and it's quite possible I left a few out.

 

Tell us, did you break your plans with your husband to go to an event & dinner with any of these guys who were left out?

 

In my experience when a woman is really into you she takes every opportunity to show me off to ALL of her friends ASAP.

 

Even if I haven't met all of them after a few months, I've sure as hell heard about them. Both male & female. It's called communication & sharing the people in your life.

 

And if out of the blue she decides to cancel on me to hang out with a guy "friend" i've never even heard of who is taking her to a sports event & dinner that's called shady.

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