A dumping offence, or am I overreacting?

[Coil]

This is something you should not have to tolerate. How would she feel if you went out on a "date" with some other girl? I'd dump her @$$ and move on.

[mickleb]

a sporting event followed by dinner on a weekend night with a single person of the opposite sex IS A DATE!

 

I think this is the source of some of the disagreement on here. If she'd cancelled time with thepaddy to DATE another guy - of course! You can't tell one guy you love him, then date another. But I don't view this as a date.

 

well, i would have loved to have been given the opportunity to talk to her about it, but you will recall that she decided to simply text the news to me!

 

I said before 'Talk to her.' Future tense. I still think you should.

 

in any event, when i phoned her to discuss after receiving the text, i played that i was totally stoked for her. as far as she is concerned i am happy as larry that she is going so she would have no reason to 'run into somebody else's arms' on account of me being unreasonable.

 

Again, I was talking about future potential. What I'm saying is, if you chew her out about this, she may decide you're not the one for her. (Before the event, after the event, etc.)

 

i am going to let her go and enjoy it and then have a chat afterwards. to have the talk beforehand might make her feel guilty and she may not enjoy the event.

 

This is actually quite sweet. I think part of you is aware you don't have the full picture here, so to make her feel bad (if the situation is innocent - as least on her part) would be unfair.

 

I read your additional reasons for not wanting to talk to her about it before this weekend, but I would personally try to do that, too.

 

I think this can be a difference between men and women. I think your pride (possible revealing that you feel jealous) is stopping you. I understand that but would advise anyone who has difficulty resolving their difficult feelings, in a relationship, to talk about them with their partner, asap. Not always easy to do, but usually the most practical solution. I think you're wise to seek counsel before laying it on her, though, and you seem to be keeping a pretty cool head about things - so respect.

 

What I fear will happen is that you will feel wretched about it on Saturday (it is this weekend, isn't it?) and this will fuel your anger when you do talk to her.

I'm not saying this is all completely okay. I know very little about her and she could be a selfish, using bitch. But I do think it's quite possible that she sees him only as a friend and got excited by this rare opportunity. I agree, in fact, that informing you by text was not ideal. I'd have had the courtesy to call. I, probably, would have mentioned the name of the person I was going with - to inform you of their sex indirectly - to check that wasn't a problem for you. But if I HAD chosen to text you, I might not have mentioned it until we talked.

 

The main point I'd like to get across here is that, to her, this may simply be as she's said. A friend has invited her to an event she'd really like to attend, it's a great opportunity so - if you're okay with it - she's going to go, then pay for dinner as a thank you. It is possible that she sees nothing untoward about this. I, personally, don't think it's a big deal. (ALTHOUGH, I admit, I'd still probably feel slightly snubbed by it - to some extent that's human nature. Doesn't mean she should be history, though.)

 

I think you like her a lot, for good reason. I think you think this is out of character for her, so I think you owe it to the both of you to ascertain more information about the relationship she has with this guy. How would you feel if you dumped her, then found out she'd known him for 18 years and he was like a brother to her? (I've got friends like that. I've only been living in the town I'm in now for a year. Why shouldn't she?)

 

and the event? well, i know that you would love me to say that it's something to do with the olympics so you can then pass judgement on me as per the above and call me a t*t, but it ain't!

 

Yeah, I'd have got a tiny bit of satisfaction if we were talking about the Olympics! But not because I want to call you a tit! I really don't! But I also really don't want you to end up feeling like one. Really, the point was trying ascertain how special this event is. If it's something the two of you could do, at any time, that's one thing but if it's a rare opportunity, it's another.

[threebyfate]

See her in person. Watch her face when you suddenly ask her why you couldn't have joined them for dinner. Her expression should be enough to tell you all you need to know, whether to dump or not.

[kaylan]

She doesnt respect you OP nor have boundaries. Dump her. At this early stage I dont ever let a girl get away with something disrespectful. And second chances only go to those who have really earned a spot in my heart over time. Some chick Ive only been dating a few months doesnt get that.

 

You dont cancel plans with someone you are seeing to make plans with someone else (ESPECIALLY OF THE OPPOSITE SEX!) Its disrespectful to do so, and the other person being of the opposite sex makes it even more disrespectful.

 

NEXT!

Edited August 11, 2012 by kaylan

[fificremefarben]

I totally agree with maybealone, 3 months is too short a time to have been together to start attempting to dictate boundaries within a relationship. You can talk it out and say "that hurt my feelings", sure, but if a guy sat me down after 3 months and said "this is how i expect you to behave in our relationship" and "I won't put up with that" yadda yadda, I'd be gone. W

 

Out of interest (and apologies if it's already been mentioned, I just skimmed through the past few pages of replies), what kind of sporting event is it? Is it something she's really interested in? Is it something once-in-a-lifetime? Is it something worth cancelling your plans for?

 

Since the relationship is still in such an early stage, I would most definitely give her the benefit of the doubt. You say she's lived in your city for a year and so she can't have known him that long. Bull. Of course she can have made good friends in that time. Obviously it sucks when you get blown off for another guy at whatever point in the relationship, but you have to put it into context. If it just ends up being a one-time thing and something she really wanted to go to (and she goes out of her way to make up for blowing you off), then definitely give her the benefit of the doubt. It's too soon to be talking about dumping her for something like that and, frankly, it would worry me about your standards and expectations if your inclination is to do so. If it becomes a repeat offence, then that's when you two need to have a serious chat.

[Emilyduare]

Yeah, I think you are. Its just jealousy talking right now and youre not thinking rationally. Its just a guy...the only difference between a woman and a man is...well, the obvious. And thats exactly what you are thinking about...youre jealous about it. She would have spent one on one time with either a woman or a man and you would still have not spent the day with her regardless. She probably didnt even think to mention the gender of the person and didnt think you would mind. Just tell her that you are jealous, do it in a cute, loving way...she will probably just laugh and tell you that there is nothing to be jealous about. Just think about all the good times and remember them, dont throw it away over a silly emotion such a jealousy. I wouldnt anyway.

[Emilia]

This weekend we had made plans to hang out during the day and then we had arranged to go out for dinner together that evening. However during the week she texted me out of the blue asking to cancel those plans. This is the first occasion on which she has cancelled a date.

 

It is rude to cancel by text, I get pissed when a guy does that to me, I wouldn't expect that from a 29 year old

 

 

She said that she been asked by a friend to go see a live sporting event. It is a really cool event and she would like to go. She also said that she is going to take her friend out for dinner afterwards as a thank you for taking her to the event. I texted back and told her that that was great news and that she should definitely go and enjoy herself. She apologised and offered to meet up with me the day after.

 

However when I spoke with her later on the phone I managed to discover that the ‘friend’ is a guy. I don’t know who he is, but my girlfriend has only been living in my city for a year, so she can’t have known him for long.

 

Whilst I have no problems with her having guy friends, I do have a problem with her cancelling our arranged plans to spend time with some other guy and then also for her to head out for dinner with him alone together. I also have a problem that she broke the initial news about the cancellation to me by text message rather than choosing to speak with me on the phone, which would be more personal.

 

She should have called you, should have explained that it was a major sporting event, gone along for that and invite the guy out at a later stage for drinks/dinner with both of you. She also should have been able to try to see you that evening after the sporting event (I'm not sure what the time scales were

 

 

 

I played it cool on the phone and I didn’t let her know I was bothered, but the more I think about it now the more I am bothered. I definitely don’t think that she would cheat on me, but I think that if she is willing to drop our plans and relegate me just because some one of her guy friends comes to her with a ‘better offer’, and to spend one-on-one time with him instead, then that is a major red flag in the relationship and says a lot about how she prioritises me. I am not pleased about some guy being able to wade in, and effectively ‘buy’ her time from me by offering to take her somewhere cool. And nstead of her saying “sorry I would love to, but I have plans with my boyfriend”, she agrees and cancels me. I am also reading a lot into her breaking the news by text rather than a phone call.

 

I’m actually considering that I should perhaps end the relationship. Is what she has done a dumping offence, or am I overreacting?

 

I think she is probably more of an idiot than anything else, there are plenty of people who just don't know how to conduct themselves and either don't understand others' motives or can't put themselves in someone else's shoes. Personally, I prefer to date people that are brighter than this.

 

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I think you have every reason to be annoyed and to hold her to higher standards of behaviour. Whether I would dump someone over this, I'm not sure but they would be on the watch list.

[Emilia]

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I think you have every reason to be annoyed and to hold her to higher standards of behaviour. Whether I would dump someone over this, I'm not sure but they would be on the watch list.

 

Actually, I take it back. If I was seeing a guy for 3 months and he texted me to cancel our evening out only for me to find out he was dining some chick, I would dump him. I advise you to do the same OP like some of the others have done on this thread.

[phineas]

I totally agree with maybealone, 3 months is too short a time to have been together to start attempting to dictate boundaries within a relationship. You can talk it out and say "that hurt my feelings", sure, but if a guy sat me down after 3 months and said "this is how i expect you to behave in our relationship" and "I won't put up with that" yadda yadda, I'd be gone. W

 

Out of interest (and apologies if it's already been mentioned, I just skimmed through the past few pages of replies), what kind of sporting event is it? Is it something she's really interested in? Is it something once-in-a-lifetime? Is it something worth cancelling your plans for?

 

Since the relationship is still in such an early stage, I would most definitely give her the benefit of the doubt. You say she's lived in your city for a year and so she can't have known him that long. Bull. Of course she can have made good friends in that time. Obviously it sucks when you get blown off for another guy at whatever point in the relationship, but you have to put it into context. If it just ends up being a one-time thing and something she really wanted to go to (and she goes out of her way to make up for blowing you off), then definitely give her the benefit of the doubt. It's too soon to be talking about dumping her for something like that and, frankly, it would worry me about your standards and expectations if your inclination is to do so. If it becomes a repeat offence, then that's when you two need to have a serious chat.

 

Yeah, I think you are. Its just jealousy talking right now and youre not thinking rationally. Its just a guy...the only difference between a woman and a man is...well, the obvious. And thats exactly what you are thinking about...youre jealous about it. She would have spent one on one time with either a woman or a man and you would still have not spent the day with her regardless. She probably didnt even think to mention the gender of the person and didnt think you would mind. Just tell her that you are jealous, do it in a cute, loving way...she will probably just laugh and tell you that there is nothing to be jealous about. Just think about all the good times and remember them, dont throw it away over a silly emotion such a jealousy. I wouldnt anyway.

 

^^^^^^^^^^

ROTFLMAO!

 

Because if the below situation happened to the two of you you'd be perfectly ok with it.

 

Actually, I take it back. If I was seeing a guy for 3 months and he texted me to cancel our evening out only for me to find out he was dining some chick, I would dump him. I advise you to do the same OP like some of the others have done on this thread.

 

I don't even acknowledge flake texts that are last minute & a woman breaking a date with me to hang out with a guy friend? LOL!

That's a date.

[fificremefarben]

Pfft, yeah Phineas, as I outlined in my post, it WOULD suck. I didn't say that it wouldn't. However, I just feel that to be actively encouraging the OP to see it as a deal breaker for the whole relationship (3 months in) when we don't know if it's a one off, the girl's motivation for wanting to go to this particular event nor whether or not she'll pull out all the stops to make it up to him.

 

I also don't agree that the fact that she postponed plans with him to go and see another guy officially constitutes her going on a "date" with someone else. It may well be, I don't know her, but it's most certainly not a given. What's that craziness all about?

[Emilia]

I also don't agree that the fact that she postponed plans with him to go and see another guy officially constitutes her going on a "date" with someone else. It may well be, I don't know her, but it's most certainly not a given. What's that craziness all about?

 

So if the guy you dated texted you to cancel and you found out he was taking some other woman out for dinner after the sporting event where she had taken him, you would pat him on the head?

[fificremefarben]

So if the guy you dated texted you to cancel and you found out he was taking some other woman out for dinner after the sporting event where she had taken him, you would pat him on the head?

 

 

Well, obviously not...

I just don't see how it can be so easy to condemn her behaviour when not all of the facts are known. What if the guy is a really good friend (who she met even before meeting the OP) who's going through a tough time (maybe he was just dumped or a family member has cancer) and she's lending an ear? It's unlikely but, then, you just don't know her motives behind meeting this guy. Frankly, I find it a little disconcerting and selfish ("me me me") that the immediate reaction is to brand her as this and that before all of the facts are made clear. The world isn't so black and white, I'm afraid.

[maybealone]

I just don't see how it can be so easy to condemn her behaviour when not all of the facts are known.

 

I agree. There are a lot of unknowns.

 

First, why did she text to postpone the date? Maybe the OP was at work and she couldn't call him, and maybe the guy with the tickets to the event needed to know as soon as possible if she could go. Or maybe she was somewhere where sending a text was easier, or maybe texting is their primary form of communication and she didn't think that this time he might all of a sudden require a phone call.

 

Second, what is the live event? All we know is that it isn't the Olympics. It could be something cool, something even the OP would consider canceling a date for. And let's remember this date was to "hang out." I am more likely to consider postponing a date if there were no firm plans beyond what day of the week it would be and that we would grab something to eat.

 

Third, who is the guy? I have male friends who are 30 years older than me, overweight, and not attractive to me. How they look at me is irrelevant. I occasionally do things with them, and I would expect anyone I am dating to accept that. We don't know if the guy the OP's girlfriend is hanging out with is her age, attractive, or even if he is straight.

 

Fourth, has the OP met most of her other friends? Or are they not at that stage in the relationship yet where they are hanging out with each other's friends? I can see her not inviting him to dinner with her friend if he has not been inviting her out with his friends.

[Emilia]

Well, obviously not...

I just don't see how it can be so easy to condemn her behaviour when not all of the facts are known. What if the guy is a really good friend (who she met even before meeting the OP) who's going through a tough time (maybe he was just dumped or a family member has cancer) and she's lending an ear? It's unlikely but, then, you just don't know her motives behind meeting this guy. Frankly, I find it a little disconcerting and selfish ("me me me") that the immediate reaction is to brand her as this and that before all of the facts are made clear. The world isn't so black and white, I'm afraid.

 

I think when it comes to men and women and sex, it is pretty black and white. It is also black and white when it comes to blowing someone out by text. It's not so much whether it's a date or not, it's whether you want the other person (the one you have a relationship with) feel that way.

[snug.bunny]

I wonder what "sporting event" it is? Seeing an Olympic event is a chance of a lifetime!

 

This is a delicate situation at only three months in. Had you been a couple for several years and she cancelled to spend time with a friend, it most likely wouldn't be a big deal. Trusting your partner completely and knowing that your partner trusts you completely is one of the best feelings in the world.

 

But, where to draw the line and not feel like a chump.

[Emilia]

I agree. There are a lot of unknowns.

 

First, why did she text to postpone the date? Maybe the OP was at work and she couldn't call him, and maybe the guy with the tickets to the event needed to know as soon as possible if she could go. Or maybe she was somewhere where sending a text was easier, or maybe texting is their primary form of communication and she didn't think that this time he might all of a sudden require a phone call.

 

Second, what is the live event? All we know is that it isn't the Olympics. It could be something cool, something even the OP would consider canceling a date for. And let's remember this date was to "hang out." I am more likely to consider postponing a date if there were no firm plans beyond what day of the week it would be and that we would grab something to eat.

 

I don't think the issue is the sporting event, it's the shady way she went about the whole thing. She is 29 not 19. I don't think she deserves the benefit of the doubt.

 

Third, who is the guy? I have male friends who are 30 years older than me, overweight, and not attractive to me. How they look at me is irrelevant. I occasionally do things with them, and I would expect anyone I am dating to accept that. We don't know if the guy the OP's girlfriend is hanging out with is her age, attractive, or even if he is straight.

 

Would you blow out someone in order to hang out with this particular friend? By text?

 

 

Fourth, has the OP met most of her other friends? Or are they not at that stage in the relationship yet where they are hanging out with each other's friends? I can see her not inviting him to dinner with her friend if he has not been inviting her out with his friends.

 

I think this is a red herring with all fairness. If it's such a big deal, it could have been the first time to hang out with friends.

Edited August 11, 2012 by Emilia

[thepaddy]

some further information and an update:

 

last night she texts me asking if it's maybe still ok for her to come round to mine at around 11pm after she and the guy go to the sporting event and go for a drink/dinner afterwards. she says she still wants to see me and wants to show me pictures of the event etc. if she is coming she will definitely spend the night also.

 

i text back and say that i have now arranged to go out with friends (this is true) and am heading out with them. i did toy with the idea of just leaving it at that. however i thought better of it and added that maybe i could be able to get back to my place by then to see her. i also tell her to make sure to take lots of pictures of both her and her friend at the event! she texts back and says that's great and she definitely will take lots of pictures.

 

either way i am feeling a better about the whole thing now. she obviously still wants to see me that night and i would say it's totally above board and she has nothing really to hide if she's prepared to show me picutures of this guy. here's hoping he's some weedy geek and not a complete studmuffin!

 

either way i'm going to let her go, enjoy it, see her later that night, get a bit drunk and have fun together.

 

however, when the dust settles i am definitely going to have a relaxed word with her about how, if in the future she wants to rearrange plans, it is far better to speak with me rather than text. obviously as well if the cancelling of plans becomes a habit then i am alive to that and we will for sure have a problem, but i am hoping all this is just a one off.

Edited August 11, 2012 by thepaddy

[snug.bunny]

Let us know if he looks like this:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-edtENkqjkEQ/T_jE_VGqzoI/AAAAAAAAC7A/VY_VY-Dg798/s1600/channing-tatum.jpg

 

Or, this...

http://monkeysinmybag.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/ugly-guy.jpg

[phineas]

Pfft, yeah Phineas, as I outlined in my post, it WOULD suck. I didn't say that it wouldn't. However, I just feel that to be actively encouraging the OP to see it as a deal breaker for the whole relationship (3 months in) when we don't know if it's a one off, the girl's motivation for wanting to go to this particular event nor whether or not she'll pull out all the stops to make it up to him.

 

I also don't agree that the fact that she postponed plans with him to go and see another guy officially constitutes her going on a "date" with someone else. It may well be, I don't know her, but it's most certainly not a given. What's that craziness all about?

 

Breaking a date with me to go out with another guy she recently met when we agreed to be exclusive = "date" in my book whether the relationship was official 3 months ago or 3 days ago.

 

Exclusive means you don't get to go out alone with people of the opposite sex you recently met.

 

If I was in the OP's situation i'd be calling up the the woman I ignored for this woman & setting up dates with them & just let her be the other guy's problem.

 

Like I said EVERY time I was in this situation & let it go the women just got more & more disrespectful so I just drop them now.

 

This is just common sense here.

[fificremefarben]

Breaking a date with me to go out with another guy she recently met when we agreed to be exclusive = "date" in my book whether the relationship was official 3 months ago or 3 days ago.

 

Exclusive means you don't get to go out alone with people of the opposite sex you recently met.

 

If I was in the OP's situation i'd be calling up the the woman I ignored for this woman & setting up dates with them & just let her be the other guy's problem.

 

Like I said EVERY time I was in this situation & let it go the women just got more & more disrespectful so I just drop them now.

 

This is just common sense here.

 

I don't agree that it's common sense and my views differ from yours almost completely. I can't stand the thought of a relationship where I don't "get" to do things even though they don't make me a cheater. So what, though? These are your opinions, your boundaries and your expectations of a relationship...and that's all good. I definitely respect that. Everyone has different perceptions of what is constituted as "acceptable" behaviour within a relationship. Part of the jigsaw puzzle that is the dating game, I suppose. You just have to find the two pieces that fit together!

[threebyfate]

some further information and an update:

 

last night she texts me asking if it's maybe still ok for her to come round to mine at around 11pm after she and the guy go to the sporting event and go for a drink/dinner afterwards. she says she still wants to see me and wants to show me pictures of the event etc. if she is coming she will definitely spend the night also.

 

i text back and say that i have now arranged to go out with friends (this is true) and am heading out with them. i did toy with the idea of just leaving it at that. however i thought better of it and added that maybe i could be able to get back to my place by then to see her. i also tell her to make sure to take lots of pictures of both her and her friend at the event! she texts back and says that's great and she definitely will take lots of pictures.

 

either way i am feeling a better about the whole thing now. she obviously still wants to see me that night and i would say it's totally above board and she has nothing really to hide if she's prepared to show me picutures of this guy. here's hoping he's some weedy geek and not a complete studmuffin!

 

either way i'm going to let her go, enjoy it, see her later that night, get a bit drunk and have fun together.

 

however, when the dust settles i am definitely going to have a relaxed word with her about how, if in the future she wants to rearrange plans, it is far better to speak with me rather than text. obviously as well if the cancelling of plans becomes a habit then i am alive to that and we will for sure have a problem, but i am hoping all this is just a one off.

While I understand why you would attempt to be reasonable, you're avoiding asking her why you can't join them for dinner.

[USMCHokie]

While I understand why you would attempt to be reasonable, you're avoiding asking her why you can't join them for dinner.

 

The two of them must have tickets to dinner too....

[threebyfate]

The two of them must have tickets to dinner too....

But of...course. Let's hope it's not sausage.

[maybealone]

Breaking a date with me to go out with another guy she recently met when we agreed to be exclusive = "date" in my book whether the relationship was official 3 months ago or 3 days ago.

 

Exclusive means you don't get to go out alone with people of the opposite sex you recently met.

 

Since the OP doesn't know how long they have known each other, I can't imagine you know for sure they just met.

 

While I understand why you would attempt to be reasonable, you're avoiding asking her why you can't join them for dinner.

 

I can understand it, especially if they are not at the point where they are hanging around with each other's friends.

 

OP, I am glad you are being reasonable about this. My guess is that if she wants to see you after dinner, she is not looking at this event as any kind of a date. I hope you both have a fun night!

[threebyfate]

I can understand it, especially if they are not at the point where they are hanging around with each other's friends.

They're in a three month long exclusive relationship. If they're not hanging out with each other's friends by now, there's something seriously wrong.