A dumping offence, or am I overreacting?

[thepaddy]

well, i would have loved to have been given the opportunity to talk to her about it, but you will recall that she decided to simply text the news to me!

 

in any event, when i phoned her to discuss after receiving the text, i played that i was totally stoked for her. as far as she is concerned i am happy as larry that she is going so she would have no reason to 'run into somebody else's arms' on account of me being unreasonable.

 

i am going to let her go and enjoy it and then have a chat afterwards. to have the talk beforehand might make her feel guilty and she may not enjoy the event.

 

and the event? well, i know that you would love me to say that it's something to do with the olympics so you can then pass judgement on me as per the above and call me a t*t, but it ain't!

[maybealone]

I didn't realize this event hasn't happened yet. Any reason you have not suggested meeting them for dinner? (Not inviting you might have been an oversight on her part, I can be kind of clueless like that sometimes.)

 

This, of course, presumes you have already met most of her other friends. If not, it would probably be weird to only ask to meet this one.

 

well, i would have loved to have been given the opportunity to talk to her about it, but you will recall that she decided to simply text the news to me!

 

But you texted back. I don't think it would have been unreasonable to wait until you talked to her rather than reply to her text, since she did ask about canceling the plans.

[the ill-made knight]

I would talk to her about it, but it all seems very off to me. She doesn't tell you it's a guy at first, they are going out together alone, and she loves you, but she cancels on you to spend time with someone else. I personally have always felt canceling on people for other people is particularly rude too, imo.

[thepaddy]

i am surprised me going to dinner with them is being raised so much as an option. so.........freasons for not going to dinner with her and this guy:

 

1. i wasn't invited.

2. i'm not going to invite myself. that would be weird and in fact would imply to her that i don't trust her and feel the need to keep an eye on her.

3. in any event i don't want to go to dinner with her and some other guy.

4. i will likely go out and do my own thing with my friends that evening. in fact i definitely will.

 

"but you texted back..." i have read this a few times and i honestly don't understand what the relevance of this is. are you saying i should not have texted her back? how does that work..... note that following the exchange of texts i was the one that did the calling (about 5 hours later) to talk with her and clarify. she did not ring me.

Edited August 8, 2012 by thepaddy

[maybealone]

2. i'm not going to invite myself. that would be weird and in fact would imply to her that i don't trust her and feel the need to keep an eye on her.

 

That's not the case?

 

"but you texted back..." i have read this a few times and i honestly don't understand what the relevance of this is. are you saying i should not have texted her back? how does that work..... note that following the exchange of texts i was the one that did the calling (about 5 hours later) to talk with her and clarify. she did not ring me.

 

No, I am saying that if you are only okay with her canceling plans for a female friend, then you should not have been in such a rush to say okay on canceling your date until you clarified things on the phone. Texts are a little limited when it comes to explaining things.

[thepaddy]

maybelone - you need to separate my private thoughts on all this, to the way i have dealt with it with her and her perception of what she thinks i think. they are 2 totally separate things.

 

yes, i am suspicious. that's the whole point. but me inviting myself to dinner with them would only make it worse and blow the whole 'i am totally cool with this' approach that i have dealt with thus far. it would imply me wanting to keep an eye on her. that is not the way i have played it with her.

 

my text back saying that is fine is in line with the same approach. 'guy or girl, baby it doesn't matter go and have fun'.

 

if i reserved my decision until i clarified on the phone, started digging, discovered it was a guy and then told her that's not cool and don't do it then where does that leave me? well according the the girls i would be jealous and controlling. according to the guys i would have at last have a set of balls!

 

wilsonx - i agree, actions are usually a far better indicator of true intent. i am a firm believer in that. in the past i would have dumped over this purely on point of principle. heck, initially i was going to, but i thought about it and reflected and thought i was maybe being rash, so came on here to get alternate opinion. but i have feelings for her, and i think hers are genuine too, unless she is an amazing actress and is lying through her back teeth. and all her actions up to now have been consistent with what she says, so that is why i have not dumped yet.

Edited August 9, 2012 by thepaddy

[silvermercy]

No, it's not just males, I'm female and have the same opinion as the guy posters here (minus the Tampon talk of course since it's making the female gender look inferior, and trust me, such attitude won't work well in dating).

 

Please, go ahead and voice your concerns. She's not psychic.

[TheFinalWord]

maybelone - you need to separate my private thoughts on all this, to the way i have dealt with it with her and her perception of what she thinks i think. they are 2 totally separate things.

 

yes, i am suspicious. that's the whole point. but me inviting myself to dinner with them would only make it worse and blow the whole 'i am totally cool with this' approach that i have dealt with thus far. it would imply me wanting to keep an eye on her. that is not the way i have played it with her.

 

my text back saying that is fine is in line with the same approach. 'guy or girl, baby it doesn't matter go and have fun'.

 

if i reserved my decision until i clarified on the phone, started digging, discovered it was a guy and then told her that's not cool and don't do it then where does that leave me? well according the the girls i would be jealous and controlling. according to the guys i would have at last have a set of balls!

 

wilsonx - i agree, actions are usually a far better indicator of true intent. i am a firm believer in that. in the past i would have dumped over this purely on point of principle. heck, initially i was going to, but i thought about it and reflected and thought i was maybe being rash, so came on here to get alternate opinion. but i have feelings for her, and i think hers are genuine too, unless she is an amazing actress and is lying through her back teeth. and all her actions up to now have been consistent with what she says, so that is why i have not dumped yet.

 

Yikes, that's a sticky situation. If you were in a long-term relationship with her and she was a really social person, might be a different situation. But only dating three months...are you in a committed relationship with her? Seems really soon to being saying I love you unless you two have gone through something serious together. I've had girls tell me they love me, but that is kind of like faith. Talk is cheap until you see it tested. I've found when someone throws out that word with no evidence it's more infatuation, which can wear off. But I won't psychoanalyze b/c there is very little info about your relationship on here.

 

If you're not in a committed relationship, and that's what this has shown you you want, I'd work on seeing if that's what she wants too. If you're not in a committed relationship she can multi-date if she wants. I'm not saying that's a quality way to date, but if there is no official bf/gf commitment it's not really cheating. If you're not in a committed relationship and don't want one, I don't think you can really demand accountability from her. If she's throwing out I love you and you won't commit she may be thinking you're not into her that much.

 

You found out later it was a guy, from her or someone else? If it wasn't from her I think that is something key for her to leave out of a conversation so early into getting to know each other. She may feel like it's not official between you two and doesn't need to explain everything. Not sure b/c I didn't see you post whether you were or not.

 

I am often slow to make rash decisions too. I don't end things easily unless it's something blatant or very early on and games are already being played. Lots of people here will tell you just to end it at the first miscommunication. Maybe this is the first test of a good thing? Too many unknown variables to tell you one way or another. Good luck!

Edited August 9, 2012 by TheFinalWord

[thepaddy]

i have been been totally honest and already admitted that the problem is that she is choosing to spend the time with some other guy, combined with cancelling on me.

 

i have already confirmed that i have no problem with her having guy friends and going out with them, providing that she isn't cancelling plans on me to do this.

 

i suppose the combination of the two (i.e. cancelling and guy) is creating the problem. and the way in which it was communicated also i.e. by text

 

finalword - i found out it was a guy from her when we spoke, but i had to subtly ask round the topic before this was revealed.

 

yes we are exclusive. that has been agreed and established. too early for saying i love you? you are probably right. then again there's no rulebook and that's is just the way it has happened.

[phineas]

I agree. And it doesn't seem overly jealous to me to have objections to your gf dating another man.

 

Yep. She purposefully didn't mention it was another guy at the time & if he had done the same thing she'd of gone ballistic.

 

I honestly don't think i've ever been in a relationship with a woman who would think it would be cool to blow me off to go out with a guy friend & not tell me it was a guy friend.

 

I've dated women like OP's in the past who have done this & I was cool about it because like you'll get called "insecure" but those women just got progressively more disrespectful so I had to end things.

[maybealone]

maybelone - you need to separate my private thoughts on all this, to the way i have dealt with it with her and her perception of what she thinks i think. they are 2 totally separate things.

 

yes, i am suspicious. that's the whole point. but me inviting myself to dinner with them would only make it worse and blow the whole 'i am totally cool with this' approach that i have dealt with thus far. it would imply me wanting to keep an eye on her. that is not the way i have played it with her.

 

my text back saying that is fine is in line with the same approach. 'guy or girl, baby it doesn't matter go and have fun'.

 

if i reserved my decision until i clarified on the phone, started digging, discovered it was a guy and then told her that's not cool and don't do it then where does that leave me?

 

It leaves you being honest.

 

Instead, you have put yourselves in a position where you are saying one thing and feeling another, and she probably has no idea. Even if you talk to her after the event, you are still letting her do something that really bothers you only to bring it up afterwards instead of being upfront.

[thepaddy]

maybelone - that is total nonsense. if you are seriously trying to tell me that you have never hidden your feelings in a relationship, particularly in the early stages, and that 100% of the time you always tell the other person what is on your mind and what is bothering you regardless of the consequences, then you are either a fool or a liar, or both. on top of that i would be surprised if any of your relationships last!

 

you are asking me to be some sort of paragon of virtue here. i am sorry, but i am not that. if you are that, a total open book and 100% honest in all your dealings with people and never ever hold back your true feelings and private thoughts about things no matter what, then i salute you.

 

you are also completely missing the point, in fact the entire point of this thread. i have my private thoughts about all this but the question is are those thoughts and opinion justified? if they are not justified then i am prepared to rationalise them and accept what has happened and perhaps change my outlook. that is something i need to deal with myself internally. you appear to be suggesting that i should have just come straight out and told her what i thought as soon as it happened and have it out with her there and then. that may be honest, but i don't think that is sound relationship advice. if you do think that that represents sound relationship advice, then that is fine and we can agree to disagree.

Edited August 9, 2012 by thepaddy

[BetheButterfly]

I will keep this as brief as I can.

 

I have been dating a girl for nearly 3 months. I am 35, she is 29. It has been quite a passionate affair. She has told me that she loves me and I believe that she does. I have very strong feelings for her also. I would like things to develop into a long term relationship. It definitely has potential for that. We have great chemistry and the relationship has been physical from day one.

 

This weekend we had made plans to hang out during the day and then we had arranged to go out for dinner together that evening. However during the week she texted me out of the blue asking to cancel those plans. This is the first occasion on which she has cancelled a date.

 

She said that she been asked by a friend to go see a live sporting event. It is a really cool event and she would like to go. She also said that she is going to take her friend out for dinner afterwards as a thank you for taking her to the event. I texted back and told her that that was great news and that she should definitely go and enjoy herself. She apologised and offered to meet up with me the day after.

 

However when I spoke with her later on the phone I managed to discover that the ‘friend’ is a guy. I don’t know who he is, but my girlfriend has only been living in my city for a year, so she can’t have known him for long.

 

Whilst I have no problems with her having guy friends, I do have a problem with her cancelling our arranged plans to spend time with some other guy and then also for her to head out for dinner with him alone together. I also have a problem that she broke the initial news about the cancellation to me by text message rather than choosing to speak with me on the phone, which would be more personal.

 

I played it cool on the phone and I didn’t let her know I was bothered, but the more I think about it now the more I am bothered. I definitely don’t think that she would cheat on me, but I think that if she is willing to drop our plans and relegate me just because some one of her guy friends comes to her with a ‘better offer’, and to spend one-on-one time with him instead, then that is a major red flag in the relationship and says a lot about how she prioritises me. I am not pleased about some guy being able to wade in, and effectively ‘buy’ her time from me by offering to take her somewhere cool. And nstead of her saying “sorry I would love to, but I have plans with my boyfriend”, she agrees and cancels me. I am also reading a lot into her breaking the news by text rather than a phone call.

 

I’m actually considering that I should perhaps end the relationship. Is what she has done a dumping offence, or am I overreacting?

 

You have been dating her for three months, yes?

 

It is possible she hasn't developed a connection with you (yet).

 

When my hubby and I had been dating for 3 months, I don't care if a man offered to take me swimming with the dolphins (that's one of my dreams), I wouldn't go!

 

By 3 months, I had already connected emotionally with my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I would not have wanted to enjoy the experience with any other man but him!

 

So, I understand why you are questioning ending the relationship. Are you sure the guy isn't a family member? If the guy was a family member, that would be more understandable... for example if the guy was her Dad or brother who wanted to see a game and it was a family thing to do, that would make much more sense that she would go, yeah? Also, if he was simply a good friend... but a guy who is a good friend would also want to check you out and make sure you are a good guy for her... (my guy friends have always been very protective of me) so really I do think you have cause for concern. If he wanted to check you out and make sure you are a good guy for her, he would have invited you too and watched you, how you treat her, as well as how you talk with him. (I know by experience lol because of my guy friends.)

 

Because of this, I think it could be a dumpable situation.

Edited August 9, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[morichu]

I have a few questions that need to be answered then I can give you your advice...

 

1. Who was this man? (Old friend or somebody random)

 

2. Did she come home back to you that night or stay out?

[morichu]

Ok, nevermind I guess I was too lazy to read the thread. I think it's pretty clear that she's not totally serious about a real, exclusive relationship. I would never have a serious girlfriend drop me to go on a 'date' with a random guy. So I think you have 2 options....

 

1. outright break up with her

 

2. Fight fire with fire and start looking at other options as well while keeping her as backup.

[Radu]

It's really not the same thing. Lying would be her saying or strongly implying that she was meeting with a female friend - which the OP didn't mention her doing. Lack of full disclosure isn't the same as lying.

 

If the OP was really upset about being sidelined and having his plans with his girlfriend cancelled, then he would've been upset whether or not the friend was female or male. As he tells it though, he was fine while he assumed the friend was female - but once he found out it was a guy, his defences were up.

 

Perhaps she didn't mention who she was meeting because she didn't think it was important. Or maybe she didn't mention it because she thinks the OP has a jealous/insecure streak and wanted to avoid an argument. This just doesn't seem like an offence worthy of being broken up for.

 

Sounds like the OP and his girlfriend have a really good relationship overall, so would be a shame to let such a non-event ruin it.

 

OP, don't let such kiss-ass posts affect you.

She borderline lied by omission.

Borderline because she came clean in the end and mentioned it was a male friend, but :

- she texted instead of calling, why ?

- she cancelled the plans with you to be with him, and mentioned it to you why ?

 

So, i think it's one of the following :

- idiotic girl who thinks that guys and girls can easily be 'just friends'

- princess who believes that everything she does is right

- you are low on her list of priorities

- she is trying to make you jealous

 

Either way, it's a bad deal for you.

Prepare yourself for a breakup, you are not exagerrating.

 

And in the end, in dating, if someone cancels on you :

- they are responsible for the next date, including getting you two together, etc.

- go with the backup plan for the date; always have a backup plan.

She cancels, well, you wanted to see that cool new movie so go see it.

etc ... you get it.

Don't let women walk all over you like this because soon after they will lose respect for you and leave.

[BetheButterfly]

Sounds like she's breaking dates with you just to go on dates with other men. I'd launch her.

 

She failed to mention it was a guy on purpose. She's being shady and you have every right to be upset about this.

 

It does sound like a date, doesn't it?

 

By the way, I love your avatar. It's very artistic.

[Radu]

i'm noticing a trend in the replies here - girls think it's all perfectly fine, most of the guys do not and think it's a potential dealbreaker. and therein lies the problem.

 

Dude, if even ES on page 1 told you that this is shady and stinks ... heh

 

This is not something that early 20 yr old girls understand.

We guys understand it because we know the way we think, women who went through life understand it also because they learned, with time.

Just out of teen yrs girls are quite idealistic, they still need to bump with their heads in the wall a few times to understand it's there.

There are some young girls who understand the boundaries but those were raised by parents with some brains between their ears, few of them out there.

[BetheButterfly]

Dude, if even ES on page 1 told you that this is shady and stinks ... heh

 

.

 

Yeah other girls have voiced their concern over it too.

[serial muse]

i'm noticing a trend in the replies here - girls think it's all perfectly fine, most of the guys do not and think it's a potential dealbreaker. and therein lies the problem.

 

I notice a trend that even just asking an open-ended question, without actually offering an opinion yet, gets you a defensive answer. Please note that I never said I thought it was "perfectly fine"; I said I didn't know because there wasn't enough info. Thought I would ask for more rather than give a knee-jerk response, as happens all too often around here. Shouldn't have bothered. Waste of time.

 

Meh, so pointless. Launch, it's what you want to do anyway.

Edited August 9, 2012 by serial muse

[thepaddy]

serial muse - i simply observed and was providing general comment on what i thought was a trend developing in the responses here. that observation may or may not be correct. in any event nothing was directed at you personally and i did not intend to cause offence. cheer up, after all we are just shooting the breeze here

[gaius]

Treat people how they treat you. Next time you have a date scheduled, blow her off and take some other girl she hasn't met out to a nice, expensive place for dinner.

[maybealone]

maybelone - that is total nonsense. if you are seriously trying to tell me that you have never hidden your feelings in a relationship, particularly in the early stages, and that 100% of the time you always tell the other person what is on your mind and what is bothering you regardless of the consequences, then you are either a fool or a liar, or both. on top of that i would be surprised if any of your relationships last!

 

All along, most of my posts have been based on the fact that this relationship is not even three months old. And now you seem to agree that this is the "early stages." To me, the early stages are too soon to be dictating what constitutes an acceptable reason to cancel a date.

 

And if we are going to play "total nonsense" cards, I do find it a little hard to believe that the only reason this bothers you is because she canceled plans with you.

 

For the record (not that it really matters ), I do try to be honest about whatever is bothering me, even in the early stages. From what I understand, that whole "saying okay to something when it actually really bothers you" is one of the top things that women typically do that ticks men off. So I do my best to not do that to men.

 

you are also completely missing the point, in fact the entire point of this thread. i have my private thoughts about all this but the question is are those thoughts and opinion justified? if they are not justified then i am prepared to rationalise them and accept what has happened and perhaps change my outlook. that is something i need to deal with myself internally. you appear to be suggesting that i should have just come straight out and told her what i thought as soon as it happened and have it out with her there and then. that may be honest, but i don't think that is sound relationship advice. if you do think that that represents sound relationship advice, then that is fine and we can agree to disagree.

 

Not exactly. What I meant was that if you had a problem with her canceling a date to go out with a male friend, then you should not have said okay to canceling the date until you talked to her to find out more details about who she was going with.

 

I also don't think there is anything to "have out" with her. You could have texted back something like, "I don't know, I was really looking forward to our date. Can we talk about it?" Then you could have found out more details about why she wanted to cancel before agreeing to it.

 

I do see your point about seeing if your private thoughts are justified, and it is well taken. I did read your post about how in the past you would have dumped a gf over this but now you want to give it more thought, and that is commendable. My apologies for getting off that track.

[ThingsAreComplicated]

She has told me that she loves me and I believe that she does. I have very strong feelings for her also.

 

(...)

 

I’m actually considering that I should perhaps end the relationship.

 

must be very strong feelings...

[Quiet Storm]

You thought NOTHING of her cancelling your plans and thought it was a great opportunity for her to see a sporting event that is enjoyable - when you thought the friend was female.

 

When you found out her friend was a male, all of a sudden you're crying that she's got one hell of a NERVE to cancel those oh-so-sacred plans she had with you.

 

Funny how it wasn't a problem at ALL for her to cancel your plans when you thought the friend was female.

 

Um, yeah. He doesn't want his GF going on dates with other dudes. It is a perfectly reasonable request.

 

Straight, single men with normal testosterone levels are not "just friends" with ATTRACTIVE women. They either want to be in a relationship with them or have sex with them. Many have no problem being a "friend" because they want to be the shoulder she cries on when there are arguments or she is feeling neglected. Friends are familiar. Friends make us comfortable. It is much easier for a girl to get physical with a man that she is already comfortable and familiar with, and one that she thinks genuinely cares about her. Men know this. Even if he trusts his GF 100%, he has every right to expect that she protect their relationship by turning down outings with other men.

 

He can trust his GF all day but that doesn't change fact that some other guy is nosing in his business, imagining his GF naked and waiting for her to show a weakness so that he can make his move. Or he may just want to be close to her and is too afraid to make a move. Either way, his motivation is sexual, physical or romantic...and he is settling for friendship.

 

Any girl that doesn't know this is naive and needs brothers or a father to get real with her. She is essentially teasing the "friend" and hurting her boyfriend when she "innocently" does this kind of thing.

 

You are not being controlling or insecure by being upset about this. It is perfectly fine to set the standard that you do not want your exclusive GF to be out alone with other men. Don't make any demands on her, but make your boundaries clear. If she chooses to disregard your boundaries, then you know she is not the girl for you, and simply break up with her.