A dumping offence, or am I overreacting?

[thepaddy]

I will keep this as brief as I can.

 

I have been dating a girl for nearly 3 months. I am 35, she is 29. It has been quite a passionate affair. She has told me that she loves me and I believe that she does. I have very strong feelings for her also. I would like things to develop into a long term relationship. It definitely has potential for that. We have great chemistry and the relationship has been physical from day one.

 

This weekend we had made plans to hang out during the day and then we had arranged to go out for dinner together that evening. However during the week she texted me out of the blue asking to cancel those plans. This is the first occasion on which she has cancelled a date.

 

She said that she been asked by a friend to go see a live sporting event. It is a really cool event and she would like to go. She also said that she is going to take her friend out for dinner afterwards as a thank you for taking her to the event. I texted back and told her that that was great news and that she should definitely go and enjoy herself. She apologised and offered to meet up with me the day after.

 

However when I spoke with her later on the phone I managed to discover that the ‘friend’ is a guy. I don’t know who he is, but my girlfriend has only been living in my city for a year, so she can’t have known him for long.

 

Whilst I have no problems with her having guy friends, I do have a problem with her cancelling our arranged plans to spend time with some other guy and then also for her to head out for dinner with him alone together. I also have a problem that she broke the initial news about the cancellation to me by text message rather than choosing to speak with me on the phone, which would be more personal.

 

I played it cool on the phone and I didn’t let her know I was bothered, but the more I think about it now the more I am bothered. I definitely don’t think that she would cheat on me, but I think that if she is willing to drop our plans and relegate me just because some one of her guy friends comes to her with a ‘better offer’, and to spend one-on-one time with him instead, then that is a major red flag in the relationship and says a lot about how she prioritises me. I am not pleased about some guy being able to wade in, and effectively ‘buy’ her time from me by offering to take her somewhere cool. And nstead of her saying “sorry I would love to, but I have plans with my boyfriend”, she agrees and cancels me. I am also reading a lot into her breaking the news by text rather than a phone call.

 

I’m actually considering that I should perhaps end the relationship. Is what she has done a dumping offence, or am I overreacting?

Edited August 7, 2012 by thepaddy

[purple_tigger]

While I can understand why you'd be angry about being kept in the dark and her 'choosing' someone else over you, I wouldn't break up with her over this. At least not without talking to her first.

 

First of all, she didn't lie - she just omitted some key information at first. It seems like you weren't bothered when you thought she was prioritising a female friend over you, but the fact that she decided to see a male friend is what is bothering you. Am I right? She didn't lie, she did eventually tell you that it was a male friend, and she gave you notice about cancelling, so she hasn't really done anything wrong. Yes, it is bad form to cancel prior plans because you've received a better offer, that's true. But you said yourself, it was a 'really cool event'. If that's the case, maybe she was more keen to go to that than see you because it was a unique, one-off thing, whereas she is seeing and spending time with you regularly. She probably thought you'd understand and wouldn't mind.

 

It seems like what this is coming down is your own insecurity about your position in the relationship and her feelings for you. If you believe that she loves you then why are you unhappy about her spending time with a male friend? Just because you're together doesn't mean you have a monopoly over her time - after all, you've only been together for 3 months, and sometimes other things come up so plans will be cancelled or altered. Maybe she has picked up on this insecurity within you and is why she initially told you by text and missed out that she was seeing a male friend because she knew you'd overreact and read something into it that doesn't exist - so she thought she'd avoid the hassle by just texting you instead.

 

So to answer your question - yes, I do think you're overreacting. It's only the first time she's done something like this and your relationship is in early days. If you broke up with her she would probably be very hurt and surprised and not understand why.

 

On the other hand, if she consistently starts prioritising other people/things over you and cancelling plans with you at the last minute - then, maybe consider showing her the door.

[Janesays]

Not dump worthy unless you think she got physical with him.

 

I think you both need to sit down and have a 'boundaries' talk. Let her know what is cool with you and what's not. Listen to what is cool with her and what's not. And find a compromise. No anger here. No finger pointing. No, 'you were sooooo wrong.' I'd just say what makes you feel uncomfortable FOR THE FUTURE and see what she says.

 

Now, if you had that talk already and she KNOWINGLY went and did something that you weren't OK with, then that's one thing. But you can't punish her for something she didn't necessarily know was wrong.

[Eternal Sunshine]

While I can understand why you'd be angry about being kept in the dark and her 'choosing' someone else over you, I wouldn't break up with her over this. At least not without talking to her first.

 

First of all, she didn't lie - she just omitted some key information at first.

 

Ha ha ha - that's the same thing.

 

OP, red flag has been raised.

[purple_tigger]

Ha ha ha - that's the same thing.

 

OP, red flag has been raised.

 

 

It's really not the same thing. Lying would be her saying or strongly implying that she was meeting with a female friend - which the OP didn't mention her doing. Lack of full disclosure isn't the same as lying.

 

If the OP was really upset about being sidelined and having his plans with his girlfriend cancelled, then he would've been upset whether or not the friend was female or male. As he tells it though, he was fine while he assumed the friend was female - but once he found out it was a guy, his defences were up.

 

Perhaps she didn't mention who she was meeting because she didn't think it was important. Or maybe she didn't mention it because she thinks the OP has a jealous/insecure streak and wanted to avoid an argument. This just doesn't seem like an offence worthy of being broken up for.

 

Sounds like the OP and his girlfriend have a really good relationship overall, so would be a shame to let such a non-event ruin it.

[mickleb]

I think you feel insecure due to your own issues, OP. I think you need to address them.

 

Are you in the UK, btw?

[thepaddy]

Yes, I live in Wales.

 

I totally admit that when I knew it was a guy (rather than a girl) friend that she was heading out with, that’s when I started to have the problem.

 

Maybe I do have a bit of a jealous streak, but not excessively so and I have not let it show to her here, and I still haven’t. I have played it totally cool and agreed that she should go. If, before we had any plans arranged she had told me that she was heading out with some guy friend one evening then that wouldn’t really be a problem at all.

 

However the cancelling of pre-arranged plans with me so that she could spent 1-on-1 time with some other guy, and then also head out to dinner with him afterwards, instead of me. That is what is getting to me.

 

Personally, if we had things arranged I would never have blown her out to spend time with one of my girl friends. I certainly wouldn’t agree to also go out to dinner afterwards with that girl. Even if some event intervened such that I had to break the date, I would at least have phoned her up and explained why.

 

On balance I think it would be a real shame to break up because everything is otherwise going really well between us, but I think I need to have a relaxed chat with her soon about my boundaries and how I expect things to be handled.

Edited August 7, 2012 by thepaddy

[mickleb]

I totally admit that when I knew it was a guy (rather than a girl) friend that she was heading out with, that’s when I started to have the problem.

 

Maybe I do have a bit of a jealous streak, but not excessively so and I have not let it show to her here, and I still haven’t. I have played it totally cool and agreed that she should go. If, before we had any plans arranged she had told me that she was heading out with some guy friend one evening then that wouldn’t really be a problem at all.

 

However the cancelling of pre-arranged plans with me so that she could spent 1-on-1 time with some other guy, and then also head out to dinner with him afterwards, instead of me. That is what is getting to me.

 

Personally, if we had things arranged I would never have blown her out to spend time with one of my girl friends. I certainly wouldn’t agree to also go out to dinner afterwards with that girl. Even if some event intervened such that I had to break the date, I would at least have phoned her up and explained why.

 

On balance I think it would be a real shame to break up because everything is otherwise going really well between us, but I think I need to have a relaxed chat with her soon about my boundaries and how I expect things to be handled.

 

The above sounds extremely sensible. If I were you, I'd tell her what you've told us here ^^^.

 

Try to figure out what has caused this jealous streak. I have a natural one that pops up from time to time, but I know the unhappiness it has caused me and some guys in my life. I'd much rather analyse it now, and figure out what's really bothering me. Usually, I can deal with it quite painlessly, by myself.

 

And remember, some people really don't see their friends of the opposite sex as anything other than friends.

[FitChick]

After the event, ask her how it went and say, "He sounds like a nice guy. I'd like to meet him sometime."

[Yookie]

Sounds like she's breaking dates with you just to go on dates with other men. I'd launch her.

 

She failed to mention it was a guy on purpose. She's being shady and you have every right to be upset about this.

[GorillaTheater]

Sounds like she's breaking dates with you just to go on dates with other men. I'd launch her.

 

She failed to mention it was a guy on purpose. She's being shady and you have every right to be upset about this.

 

I agree. And it doesn't seem overly jealous to me to have objections to your gf dating another man.

[InJest]

Start pulling back emotionally, and start treating her as just a fun fling rather than a girlfriend. Start looking for other girls, until she addresses the problem or you find someone better.

[O'Malley]

However the cancelling of pre-arranged plans with me so that she could spent 1-on-1 time with some other guy, and then also head out to dinner with him afterwards, instead of me. That is what is getting to me.

 

I think something is off about it as well. Feeling insecure about a situation doesn't always have roots in irrational jealousy. Have you met any of her friends?

 

She could have included you in some part of the plans, which she made no attempt to do. At the very least, she could have invited you to have dinner with them at the restaurant. Nothing wrong with casually mentioning that you'd enjoy meeting him at dinner after the event and gauging her reaction. If he's just a friend, she should be ok with that.

[maybealone]

I would guess the reason she didn't mention the friend was a guy at first was because it was a text message. It's a little difficult to get into details over text.

 

If, however, you had to drag it out of her over the phone (as in having to ask more than a couple of times who the friend was), then that would be a red flag for me.

 

If it were me, and I did not purposely hide it from you but you were still upset, I would probably consider breaking up with you. I would not want to be with someone who, not even three months into the relationship, is all of sudden the expert on my opposite-sex friends and what I am and am not allowed to cancel plans for.

 

Regardless of how it went down, I do think this warrants a discussion on boundaries and expectations. You both need to talk about where you fall on issues like this, and see if you can be on the same page for any future interactions with friends -- especially when it involves canceling plans -- and be on the same page as to where the relationship is headed.

[SJC2008]

She cancels plans on him to spend time with a man and he's insecure? Mind you she's taking out this man afterward for dinner. She should of asked if you were comfirtable with the situation first. Have a boundary conversation with her and see how it goes.

[mickleb]

Honestly, he does sound insecure. He's admitted to a tendency towards jealousy, too.

 

It's the fact that he wasn't bothered by any of it, until he found out the friend was male. He is concerned that she is dating someone else.

 

Seeing a friend and going on a date are two very different things. If she was dating the other guy, I doubt she'd have bothered to tell him. She would've cancelled but not given many specifics at all.

 

He should not let the sex of this friend alter how he views the situation. He should talk to her and ascertain more information about their friendship. That's a perfectly normal thing to do. He cannot be angry that she has male friends. If he was truly bothered by her cancelling, he should be bothered regardless of who she spent time with.

 

*IF this is an Olympic event, btw, you'd be a bit of a t*t not to be happy for her getting a ticket to go. Once in a lifetime, and all that. Just sayin'.*

[serial muse]

Yes, I live in Wales.

 

I totally admit that when I knew it was a guy (rather than a girl) friend that she was heading out with, that’s when I started to have the problem.

 

Maybe I do have a bit of a jealous streak, but not excessively so and I have not let it show to her here, and I still haven’t. I have played it totally cool and agreed that she should go. If, before we had any plans arranged she had told me that she was heading out with some guy friend one evening then that wouldn’t really be a problem at all.

 

However the cancelling of pre-arranged plans with me so that she could spent 1-on-1 time with some other guy, and then also head out to dinner with him afterwards, instead of me. That is what is getting to me.

 

Personally, if we had things arranged I would never have blown her out to spend time with one of my girl friends. I certainly wouldn’t agree to also go out to dinner afterwards with that girl. Even if some event intervened such that I had to break the date, I would at least have phoned her up and explained why.

 

On balance I think it would be a real shame to break up because everything is otherwise going really well between us, but I think I need to have a relaxed chat with her soon about my boundaries and how I expect things to be handled.

 

OP, a couple of questions for you, just to think about:

 

1. Would you have been OK with this exact scenario, but minus the dinner afterward? Or if she'd invited you along for dinner?

2. Sounds like you still don't know who the guy is. He could be anyone from a childhood friend to someone she met on Match. Maybe it's worth getting more info before hitting the launch button?

 

Anyway, I agree that a relaxed chat about boundaries is a good idea.

[thepaddy]

this is definitely some guy who is just a relatively recent acquaintance. she has only been living in my area for around a year. this isn't some old friend from way back when.

 

i wouldn't have been as bothered if there was no dinner afterwards, but i still would have been bothered. bottom line is she cancelled plans with me and is spending time with some other guy. had it been a mixed group of friends going perhaps i wouldn't have minded, but it is 1-on-1 with him.

 

i personally wouldn't want to join them both for dinner - why would i?! i have more than enough guy friends and i'm more interested in spending time with her alone.

 

mickelb - whilst i admire your attitude of treating male and female friends the same regardless, the reality is that i don't know this guy or what his motivation is. but i am a guy, and i know guys. i am assuming the guy has some other friends apart from my girlfriend. he could have asked them, but chose not to. my girlfriend is a very good looking girl. you can deny it all you want but guys ask girls out and spend time with them for a reason. you do the math.

Edited August 8, 2012 by thepaddy

[FryFish]

She canceled a date with you to go on a date with this other guy... You two arent exclusive it would seem... Break up with her.

 

edit: a sporting event followed by dinner on a weekend night with a single person of the opposite sex IS A DATE!

[thepaddy]

also to say i should treat guy friends and girl friends exactly the same is rather obtuse and totally unrealistic.

 

assuming that they are straight, guy friends have a potential sexual motivation for friendship with a girl, whereas girl friends of girls do not (assuming they are straight also). i'm not sure how you can completely deny that and say there is absolutely no difference.

Edited August 8, 2012 by thepaddy

[serial muse]

this is definitely some guy who is just a relatively recent acquaintance. she has only been living in my area for around a year. this isn't some old friend from way back when.

 

i wouldn't have been as bothered if there was no dinner afterwards, but i still would have been bothered. bottom line is she cancelled plans with me and is spending time with some other guy. had it been a mixed group of friends going perhaps i wouldn't have minded, but it is 1-on-1 with him.

 

i personally wouldn't want to join them both for dinner - why would i?! i have more than enough guy friends and i'm more interested in spending time with her alone.

 

Why would you[!?!]?! Well, because some people want to meet their SO's friends, obviously, before writing them off.

 

Frankly, it still sounds like you have no idea who this guy is, you're just assuming things because you're angry.

 

Maybe you have reason to be, and maybe you don't. I certainly have no idea; my questions were just to get more info about what you know and where your boundaries are, in order to better advise. And from your answers, I learned that it doesn't appear that you have yet asked her anything and you're a lot less open to more pleasant perspectives on the situation than it first appeared; instead, you're just working yourself into a fine lather...

 

mickelb - whilst i admire your attitude of treating male and female friends the same regardless, the reality is that i don't know this guy or what his motivation is. but i am a guy, and i know guys. i am assuming the guy has some other friends apart from my girlfriend. he could have asked them, but chose not to. my girlfriend is a very good looking girl. you can deny it all you want but guys ask girls out and spend time with them for a reason. you do the math.

 

...and here it sounds like you've already made up your mind, anyway. So do what you think best.

Edited August 8, 2012 by serial muse

[thepaddy]

i'm noticing a trend in the replies here - girls think it's all perfectly fine, most of the guys do not and think it's a potential dealbreaker. and therein lies the problem.

[maybealone]

also to say i should treat guy friends and girl friends exactly the same is rather obtuse and totally unrealistic.

 

assuming that they are straight, guy friends have a potential sexual motivation for friendship with a girl, whereas girl friends of girls do not (assuming they are straight also). i'm not sure how you can completely deny that and say there is absolutely no difference.

 

What do you know about this guy? Since you would not be upset if she was out with a straight woman, do you know for a fact that this is a straight man? Or that he is in her age range? That he doesn't weigh 300 pounds or that she finds him unattractive in some way?

 

I don't deny there is a difference, I just think 2+ months of seeing each other barely qualifies as a "relationship" no matter how hot and heavy it is. Should she be dating other people? Absolutely not. Should she dump certain friends you deem inappropriate? I don't think so.

 

i'm noticing a trend in the replies here - girls think it's all perfectly fine, most of the guys do not and think it's a potential dealbreaker. and therein lies the problem.

 

Good point, and it wouldn't surprise me if the opposite were true if we were talking about you and a female friend.

[Quiet Storm]

It's really not the same thing. Lying would be her saying or strongly implying that she was meeting with a female friend - which the OP didn't mention her doing. Lack of full disclosure isn't the same as lying.

 

 

Totally disagree. She picked and chose what information she provided, and left out the information that SHE KNEW WOULD BOTHER HIM. That is no different than a lie, in my book. It is manipulative, dishonest and conflict avoidant.

 

Manipulative, dishonest and conflict avoidant people do not make good partners.

 

I don't think her intentions are innocent either. Women who are madly in love with their boyfriends don't cancel plans with them in favor of a different guy. They don't take that guy out to dinner and tell their boyfriend, that they supposedly love, that she'll catch up with him tomorrow.

[mickleb]

Well, the fact that you felt so slighted you thought about dumping her before you even talked to her about it, tells me something.

 

Don't presume to know that the guy is not a good friend of hers. Don't presume he is trying to get in her pants. He may be, but it's not her fault. If she only sees him as a friend, I can't see why you would have a problem with this. If you believe that she's into you, relax and brush off the potential competition. Not trusting her like this may make her run into some other guys arms, because you're making it impossible for her to love you.

 

Talk to her.

 

P.S. What sporting event was it?