reptilelover88 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 About 6 weeks ago I started dating a wonderful guy. We had been friends for a couple of years and then he confessed his feelings for me and we started seeing each other. We spent a wonderful few days together - culminating in him saying 'I love you' and me happily reciprocating - and then we both went travelling for a month on opposite sides of the world (booked before we started dating). He has emailed me every day like he promised, and we have talked on Skype for hours too. We have talked about many things and got to know each other much better. We are due to be reunited in 3 days - he is driving 5 hours to see me - and we are both so excited. In fact, we are both coming home earlier than planned because we miss each other so much. If anything, he seems to have missed me even more than I've missed him. Anyway, there is only one thing that is bothering me. He has stopped saying 'I love you' at the end of Skype calls. In the beginning he initiated saying it, but now he doesn't say it at all even if I say it first. The end of calls are becoming very awkward (at least for me) and making me feel anxious. His emails however are as loving as ever. He uses the word 'love' a lot in them, and talks in depth about how much he misses me, even if he doesn't actually say 'I love you'. Is this a cause for concern or am I just overanalysing? Is he perhaps slowing things down a little and waiting to say it again in person? Our romance has been quite whirlwind so that would probably be no bad thing. I have been badly hurt in the past in a similar situation - when my ex stopped saying 'I love you' and then broke up with me very harshly - so I know this is one of my insecurities. However, if I'm honest my gut tells me this is a very different situation. Everything else is exciting and wonderful, and I can't wait to see him again. But this one thing worries me. Should I say anything about it to him - maybe in person if not over email/Skype? He is very emotionally aware and would probably be supportive, but I'd still be fearful of hearing 'the worst' or coming off as crazy. I'd be grateful for any thoughts/reassurance.
Emilia Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I think he is trying to hold back the pace a bit to avoid raising the stakes too high too early Just try to relax, perhaps you can say good bye with an 'I love you' if you feel it's awkward without it? Though I think you should wait until you see him in person - which will be very soon! Your insecurity is understandable but I think your gut instinct that it's different this time is correct Good luck and keep us posted!
Axton Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Men can be pretty neurotic too. I'm in the camp where he may be trying to slow things down.
Author reptilelover88 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 Well, unfortunately I was right. He came to visit me this weekend and I could sense that something had changed (still no ILY either). He just told me that he still has feelings for his ex. His feelings for me haven't changed but he is confused and needs time. I am devastated. What should I do?
ThingsAreComplicated Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 words are nothing and pretty much overrated. If you do not FEEL the love you should back out there asap or you'll get another scar.
venusianx13 Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 Having been in that situation, I can say that it truly sucks. I was the "ex" who my ex was pining over while he was overseas for an internship. He'd met a girl where he was, and started a relationship, but then realized he had feelings for me still. He hurt the girl he was with, and then ended up coming back and hurting me... I hate saying this, but a man who entertains feelings for two women at once is bad news and not worth your time. It sounds to me like a rebound, and those are nothing but heartache. Don't be his standby if things with his ex don't work out. Telling someone you love them so frivolously and then redacting on it is very immature.
Author reptilelover88 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Thanks for the replies so far. I'm still feeling awful but we have talked it through pretty thoroughly. He says that he was convinced that he was over his ex until it suddenly hit him one day 'like a bolt out of the blue' that he still has feelings for her. She was his first girlfriend and they lasted 4 years. I don't know how I can ever compete with that. I'm just so angry that I cut short my summer plans for him, only for him to do a complete 180. He still wants to date me but I can't stand feeling like I'm his second choice. He says he wants to be with me but I sense he would get back together with her if he could (she doesn't want to, apparently). I don't know what to do.
spiderowl Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Really sorry to hear about this. The one good thing is that you know you can trust your instincts. I know how I would behave in the short term in your situation but the longer term is more complicated. If he was saying he wanted to continue dating (after changing his behaviour and admitting to harbouring feelings about his ex), I would stop dating him. I would back off and carry on with my life and let him have the space and time he needs. I would not initiate any dating with him. If, after a while, he decided that it was me he wanted after all, then I would be in a dilemma. I would need some convincing because I would be thinking how long would this last? The other difficulty is that his ex gave him up and not the other way round. His confusion suggests he would go back to her given the chance. I'm surprised he didn't already know how he felt but we can all deny our feelings if they are too painful to accept. I wish I knew what the solution was but I think it will have to come down to your instincts again. If you leave him so that he has to work through his feelings about you both, only you will be able to tell if he really means it if he says he's realised you are the one for him. I'm sorry he's done this. Rebound situations are so unfair. 2
Author reptilelover88 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Thanks for your response Spiderowl; you absolutely hit the nail on the head with how I am feeling right now. I am in theory willing to wait for him to work through closure with his ex, but I'm not willing to feel like I'm second best. I made this clear to him today, saying that I only want to be with him once he has decided that he really wants to be with ME, not just because he can't be with his ex. We have decided for the moment to continue seeing each other but not sleeping together or spending time at each others' homes. He has said that he is happy to do all the legwork and cover all the costs of these dates. In the meantime, I have plenty of projects to throw myself into that I am very excited about and know that I'll derive satisfaction from. I will also start to date other people (he knows this and is fine with it). I'm too much in love with this man to stop everything completely but at the same time I'd rather find someone else than feel second best. I suppose I'll have to see how it goes and keep myself busy in the meantime.
pteromom Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I will also start to date other people (he knows this and is fine with it). I'm too much in love with this man to stop everything completely but at the same time I'd rather find someone else than feel second best. He's ok with you dating other people? After professing his love to you? This guy doesn't seem that stable. If he wants to keep dating you, but doesn't care if you date others, I have to wonder what exactly he is wanting here. (FWB? That's my guess.) You've known him for 6 weeks, so you aren't even at a point where you really know him yet, much less know him well enough to be in love with him. Everything he's shared with you are just words, and you've had very little time to see his actions (and what you've seen isn't that impressive, honestly.) I would let him go figure out what he wants on his own. If he comes back wanting to try, fine, but why put yourself through more heartache for no reason? He has told you where he stands, and by accepting less than you deserve, you are showing him you are a doormat who will take anything he can give you. Expect more for yourself.
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