BeautyRush Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 (edited) It's been quite sometime now since I've been reading threads after threads here on LS. The advices and thoughts here usually helps me get thru the day. But today, I'm having a very difficult time functioning. I don't know where to turn to anymore. It's been 15days of my NC today. Everyday is a struggle for me. I went back to my workout routine, learn to bake and basically, just trying to move on and not looking back. The breakup was pretty harsh. Although the relationship lasted for only 7months, yet it was the most draining roller-coaster ride. He dumped me several times before and after few days, he took it back and each time, I took the bait hoping he will change. But the situation went from bad to worst. I couldn't take his cruelties anymore. The verbal abuse, his lack of empathy, always emotionally unavailable to name a few. Because of this, I went from a happy carefree lady to a bitter, self-loathing person. I knew then I had to stop seeing him. Two weeks ago, after receiving loads of vicious texts from him, and refusing to answer his persistent calls, I just went straight to NC. Surprisingly, he went NC himself too! His last sms were too nonsense. I was seeing one of my girlfriends and he got mad over this because he asked us to meet him but we didn't. I know he was threatened that I was gonna confide with my friend this time over his bad treatment to me. So he ranted over the texts basically threatening me that we are over if we won't meet him that night. I was so lucky my friend was with me. She helped me a lot and gave me the best of advice. That was his last text and yes, he went NC right then. Two days ago, he called and texted my cousin and asked about me. Asking how I was doing, if I have been dating and that I was really cute and so strong now that I haven't contacted him for weeks! (I unfriended him on facebook the next day after his last texts but he could still see pics of me thru my cousins, I think). Knowing this, I got really angry. I was enraged! What did he suppose to mean by me being "so strong" now? God, HOW DARE HIM! Perhaps, he expected me to die now or in misreable place that he wasn't contacting me? And why on earth he expects me to contact him after all the hell he put me thru? What an arrogant, narcissistic leech he could be! I am so mad of myself too because everytime I sleep, even for a short nap, he is always in my dreams! Arghhh! I feel so weak and hopeless, sometimes... Especially today.... I am so lost, so sad, so depressed... Help! Any thoughts will be much appreciated... Thank you so much... Edited August 7, 2012 by BeautyRush
big bear Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 From the looks of it you are handling things well.. Keep it up!!
Author BeautyRush Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 From the looks of it you are handling things well.. Keep it up!! I really hope so bigbear... But today, I couldn't find myself to do my workouts or do anything at all. I feel so sick. The loneliness, the sadness .... It's debilitating and eating me whole... I don't know to what extent I could hold up all these mixed emotions. I just want to understand why he did all these to me. I want clear answers from him. I didn't do anything. In fact, it was me who tried so hard and invested too much time to work things out between us. He is insanely jealous. He didn't like it if I hang out with cousins or friends without him. As much as possible, he tried to do things for me like doing my groceries/ shopping just so I won't be seen by people. Everytime a guy would look my way, he would go berserk. I know it's disturbing and I shouldn't allow it in the first place but I don't want arguments and somehow, I felt so protected and loved (sick, right?). I did love him ... Too much... That I lost touch of myself... And now, hated myself too much for allowing him to thrash me out like this. Why does it have to be so difficult when we can just sit and talk this out fully? Why treat someone so badly when you can't have your way? And what's with the "so strong" thing? What does he want anyway? My sanity is giving up, really. I don't know what to do anymore to make myself feel a little better. All I know is to stand firm with my NC. Any inputs are highly needed and much welcome...
big bear Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Why?? What?? When?? Whom?? Will all these questions make a difference. I was really bad with my ex I feel so. But will my guilt, remorse, love anything change her mind, I don't think so. The thing is you cannot focus on all that has happened. Learn your lessons and move on. Because even if you don't others will. Fate, Destiny, Karma, Nirvana blah blah blah... Don't think on all this. Dwelling on the past can bring no good. I read "The sense of an Ending"-- A fiction which won the Booker Prize.. There was this line which basically meant that the past is a reflection of or current mindset. Personally, when I was getting desperate for my ex all I could see in our past FB chats how she was an angel and I was the devil. Now all I can see how I grovelled and her heart did not melt.
Author BeautyRush Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 (edited) Why?? What?? When?? Whom?? Will all these questions make a difference. I was really bad with my ex I feel so. But will my guilt, remorse, love anything change her mind, I don't think so. I think, yes. At least, by showing some guilt or remorse, the pain would be lessen and she would understand more where you came from and why you did it to her. The thing is you cannot focus on all that has happened. Learn your lessons and move on. Because even if you don't others will. Yes, I do agree. Fate, Destiny, Karma, Nirvana blah blah blah... Don't think on all this. Dwelling on the past can bring no good. I don't. Though sometimes, the confusion is killing me but we are all a work in progress. I read "The sense of an Ending"-- A fiction which won the Booker Prize.. There was this line which basically meant that the past is a reflection of or current mindset. Interesting. Thank you for sharing. Personally, when I was getting desperate for my ex all I could see in our past FB chats how she was an angel and I was the devil. But why did you treat her badly when she was an angel? Perhaps, it's only you who can answer all my questions. Why abuse people who stick with you and put up with all your craps? Is it because you are too insecure and just want some ego-boost? I don't understand really and it's tearing me apart. Kindly explain? Now all I can see how I grovelled and her heart did not melt. I hope he is starting to realize that now, too. Maybe, that's what he meant by "so strong" now. Edited August 7, 2012 by BeautyRush
big bear Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Why do people do what they do?? Come on if there was an answer to this question, the world would run on logic. I was bullied for 2 years straight in my life. Every second was hell. Would it make a difference if I get to know the motivations of those people. Would it make a difference if in some strange sense of a way I blame my behavior on that. I could justify but can I in my honest mind take the moral responsibility away. NO NO Never. What people do is sometimes aliens to themselves. The situation, locations, people condition a 100 things can make a difference. Do you think motivations, reasons and justifications can give peace. Well, no they don't. At least in real life. The only closure comes when you except the truth and move on as if that person is just a person in the crowd. Feelings of Hate, Compassion, Empathy, Pity. They do not help.
Ruby65 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Hang in there, you two. You're going through the worst of it right now. But it gets much, much better -- and sooner than you think. Honest. You're both doing GREAT! 1
weallfalldown Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 don't do what i've been doing..... I lasted 2 months, then caved in and today, i sent off a load of texts... I feel embarassed, a complete idiot, and i know it's done no good..... I'll never move on at this rate, i need a friggin brain transplant!
Author BeautyRush Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Why do people do what they do?? Come on if there was an answer to this question, the world would run on logic. I was bullied for 2 years straight in my life. Every second was hell. Would it make a difference if I get to know the motivations of those people. Would it make a difference if in some strange sense of a way I blame my behavior on that. I could justify but can I in my honest mind take the moral responsibility away. NO NO Never. What people do is sometimes aliens to themselves. The situation, locations, people condition a 100 things can make a difference. Do you think motivations, reasons and justifications can give peace. Well, no they don't. At least in real life. The only closure comes when you except the truth and move on as if that person is just a person in the crowd. Feelings of Hate, Compassion, Empathy, Pity. They do not help. Now, it explains it all... You really sound like him... and yes, he's been bullied most of his life, too... He is a product of adulterous affair and his dad took him from his mother when he was only 6mos. old and that was the start of his unending calvary. His own half siblings beat him to death with verbal/emotional abuse. He grew up as a bully and vice versa. I could say he becomes misanthropic to survive to the extent of lashing out his extreme hatred even to those people that care for him. The last time he crawled back, I gave my conditions. I told him I'm not getting back unless he will seek therapy. He did see a therapist once and that was it. He was back to his old loathing self. It was the most draining months and I had enough. Have you consider seeing a therapist, bigbear? I hope this time, you've forgiven these bullies who've put you thru hell. Remember, we can never change the past, but by making a difference in the present we can turn our future around, 360 degrees.
Author BeautyRush Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Hang in there, you two. You're going through the worst of it right now. But it gets much, much better -- and sooner than you think. Honest. You're both doing GREAT! Thank you so much Ruby for the encouragement. I do need this one today. Yes, nothing lasts forever. As the song says, "Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue..." I'm feeling a bit okay now. I just had my workout, whew! Thanks god I decided to post here. :)
Author BeautyRush Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 don't do what i've been doing..... I lasted 2 months, then caved in and today, i sent off a load of texts... I feel embarassed, a complete idiot, and i know it's done no good..... I'll never move on at this rate, i need a friggin brain transplant! I know the feeling once you caved in, you can't just stop it. Ughhh it's like a torture... An addiction... But then, the sadness and loneliness are way better than rejection, frustrations, anguish, disappointments, confusions, anger and hopelessness. 1
big bear Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Now, it explains it all... You really sound like him... and yes, he's been bullied most of his life, too... He is a product of adulterous affair and his dad took him from his mother when he was only 6mos. old and that was the start of his unending calvary. His own half siblings beat him to death with verbal/emotional abuse. He grew up as a bully and vice versa. I could say he becomes misanthropic to survive to the extent of lashing out his extreme hatred even to those people that care for him. The last time he crawled back, I gave my conditions. I told him I'm not getting back unless he will seek therapy. He did see a therapist once and that was it. He was back to his old loathing self. It was the most draining months and I had enough. Have you consider seeing a therapist, bigbear? I hope this time, you've forgiven these bullies who've put you thru hell. Remember, we can never change the past, but by making a difference in the present we can turn our future around, 360 degrees. If you compare me to your ex, it's really disheartening to see my ex would be seeing me in the same light.. Any how what's done is done.. I am making significant progress each day.. Not seeing a therapist for now.. I think I will wait a couple of months before I think on going to one.. Giving time a chance to heal things for me.. And as for her.. Sadly, that ship has sailed I think now..
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