Cestlavie Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 So met boyfriend just over a year ago, he told me from the start he didnt do commitment which was fine as I wasnt looking for any. Took everything at his pace and then we started falling in love. We both felt we was with someone special and told each other that, we still had our own space but was together on a regular basis doing family stuff etc. We was planning several trips together and we was doing my house up as 'our' house as we knew eventually this was how things were moving. I never asked for more then he was willing to give or try to rush things along. Anyway, the other week I asked to talk to him as could feel he was being a little off, breaking plans regular etc. He assured me nothing had changedand was scared that I might finish things but the reasoning was he had just started a new job and once he found his feet with that things would go back to how they was. Fast forward to two weeks later we was chatting about our relationship and all of a sudden he says he doesnt know what he wants, he wants to be alone, he isnt sure of his love for me. We discussed it for ages as I couldnt believe the man that held me and told me how much he loved me just hours before was saying this. He said that things might change but this was the right decision and could we stay friends and he knew he would never find anyone like me but that he wasnt gonna go looking for anything just needs to be alone. We met up the next day for dinner and his actions towards me hadnt changed (dinner was his suggestion) but was 100% we would just be friends but although he needs to be alone he couldnt not have me in his life. He wanted to still come over, talk, go out etc. All the same things but without the labels attached. We had a week like this with daily phonecalls and normal visits where he would hold me tell me im beautiful etc. Then three days ago I told him this couldnt continue and I couldnt be his friend in this way it had to be all or nothing and since he couldnt give me all we had to move on seperately. He told me it hurt him a unbelievable amount and refused to accept what I was saying he asked me to hold him and told me I was beautiful he didnt want me out with the girls as he didnt like the thought of other male attention coming my way. He said he would text/call and maybe all we need is some time apart and told me i would always be in his heart. He wanted copies of pictures of us together at a family outing. He told me to remember that this was my choice and that he wasnt going anywhere. It is his choice as he was the one to say he wanted to be alone. He said he refused to believe he wouldnt see me again and he could turn up at my hone if he wanted to see me. So thats the story, since we split initially ive not been the one to call, text or arrange a visit it was all him. So now this will be second day NC im doing ok really as know if he wants me he knows where I am and if he dont then NC will help me heal and move forward. What is it with the mixed messages though? My friends reckon he will be in touch with me by end of the week, im kinda thinking that maybe this was what he wanted but didnt have the balls to do himself? Any ideas?
Ruby65 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Firstly, I'm so sorry this has happened to you! Doing a post-mortem, your first red flag was when he told you he just "doesn't do" relationships. Never continue to see a guy who says that to you! Because what he's really saying is, "YOU are not what I consider to be relationship material." He's telling you right there that he's fine having sex with you, hanging out, being romantic, casually dating and having fun.... but that you're NOT "The One" for him. So often, people think if we just go along and have fun, their feelings for us will change over time..... but that so rarely happens! When someone tells you: "I don't want a relationship", what they're really saying is "I don't want a relationship WITH YOU." When you agreed to continue seeing him anyway, you pretty much sealed your own fate. Then, when it gets to be time for a commitment like living together or getting engaged, he bolts and you wonder why..... Please do yourself a favor and MOVE ON. Learn from this experience. Love yourself and kick him to the curb..... get ready for someone who REALLY LOVES AND APPRECIATES YOU!! You deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this sleazeball...... UGGGHHH. Dust yourself off, go NC and start to get ready for your next WAY WAY BETTER relationship! 1
Tally123 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Ruby, i gotta say you give great advice. I wish I could wheel you out of my wardrobe whenever I need a good stern talking to. I might start my own thread soon about my man woes... I know what your response will be though ha
Author Cestlavie Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Ruby, thanks for your reply. I did think this also, I felt the same way that I wasnt looking for a relationship it just kinda happened so does that not make me as bad as him?! I was initially heartbroken but now there is NC I am actually, doing ok (ok so know its early days!) Why do men give such mixed signals?! Ok, so he said on our first few dates a relationship was not for him but then when we found ourselves in one he was the first to label it as such then declare he was in love and I was the 'one'. I will never understand male logic )
Ruby65 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Ruby, i gotta say you give great advice. I wish I could wheel you out of my wardrobe whenever I need a good stern talking to. I might start my own thread soon about my man woes... I know what your response will be though ha Thanks, that's so sweet of you to say!
Ruby65 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Ruby, thanks for your reply. I did think this also, I felt the same way that I wasnt looking for a relationship it just kinda happened so does that not make me as bad as him?! I was initially heartbroken but now there is NC I am actually, doing ok (ok so know its early days!) Why do men give such mixed signals?! Ok, so he said on our first few dates a relationship was not for him but then when we found ourselves in one he was the first to label it as such then declare he was in love and I was the 'one'. I will never understand male logic ) I don't think it's a matter of "male" logic. I know I've talked myself into getting involved with guys who I really WANTED to fall for...... but deep down inside, I knew they weren't The One, so eventually I bailed. The thing is to learn to become more sensitive to those kinds of signals early on, to protect yourself better.
Mike_d Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Why do men give such mixed signals?! Ok, so he said on our first few dates a relationship was not for him but then when we found ourselves in one he was the first to label it as such then declare he was in love and I was the 'one'. I will never understand male logic ) it goes 100% both ways love, sorry, men don't have a corner on this market
YorickBrown Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Ruby, thanks for your reply. I did think this also, I felt the same way that I wasnt looking for a relationship it just kinda happened so does that not make me as bad as him?! I was initially heartbroken but now there is NC I am actually, doing ok (ok so know its early days!) Why do men give such mixed signals?! Ok, so he said on our first few dates a relationship was not for him but then when we found ourselves in one he was the first to label it as such then declare he was in love and I was the 'one'. I will never understand male logic ) First off, I agree, Ruby65 does give great advice. Although I cannot agree all the time with all of them of course....After all, men and women "speak different languages" so to speak. Dunno if you're familiar with Men are from Mars, and Women from Venus book but it does sum it up why you get such "mixed signals" more often than not. When your ex told you that a "relationship" was not for him, he was either saying he was NOT ready yet for a serious one (commitment, exclusivity etc) at that time AND/OR he was still "trying" you out (dates) and see if what kind of relationship would develop....hence the "labeling" afterwards (it makes the selection process a bit organized for us I guess) This was later on even more stressed by your statement that "when we found ourselves in one he was the first to label it as such then declare he was in love and I was the 'one'." You meant, he was the first one to accept and admit the relationship right? I don't see what the big deal is....sure, he declared at that time that you're the "One" but see...that just means, someone (or some things) was (or will be) number Two, Three, Four and so on....and of course, later on...sorry, but priorities change (you got re-numbered) That's the reality. Most relationships are just not meant to last, especially nowadays. Now, how do you deal with this? Accept it that it is over for now, know the process of recovering from it -- in this case by going NC (No Contact) with him for awhile.
Author Cestlavie Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Yeah I get that things change and relationships don't last (I am divorced) In the first week after our initial chat and split I saw and heard from him probably more than usual twice a day phone calls and numerous texts when we was together nothing had changed from him. The week before the split we was talking about the future and he was 100% that a future was what we had. I guess this is what has caused the confusion. When I asked for no contact he repeatedly told me how much it hurt and he wouldn't accept it. I know things, people and feelings change but it just seemed very sudden and at odds with recent conversations! I know I will move on from this and be ok (I been through worse!) just wondered if anyone removed from the situation and not knowing us just the bare minimum facts would give a different opinion from friends/family who all say he will be in touch by end of the week!
Author Cestlavie Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 So NC lasted til the weekend, he text me saying 'can I see you today? I miss you' he came over and we spoke about our week etc. He said it had been really tough and had missed me like hell. I told him he had done the right thing and that I had realised I should have broke things off ages ago. He just looked at me. He asked me if I had got any other guys phone numbers told him its none of his business. We was both out that night with friends and ended up getting together later that night. We met up for dinner last night. He told me he loved me then looked surprised he said it then said I love you I really do. He still wants to be alone though. Cake and eat it springs to mind!! He said I was his perfect girl and the person he wants to end up with and maybe in time we will but right now he can't deal with a relationship. Told me he would call today and come over for dinner later in the week. I'm not sure where this is heading. The way things are like this 'friendship' is the same as our relationship without the label. Think NC is prob the best route still for us.
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