Husband cheated in the dumbest way

[Roxy1689]

I am a 23 yr old female. My husband is 27. We have been married for 15 months. 4 months ago he kissed one of my 19 yr old friends behind my back at a bar. I was dancing with another friend. We had several friends with us. I did not find out till 4 days afterwords when my friend came to my house and told me. She says he tried to make out with her then tried to sleep with her when he took her home. She only lives a mile from us so normally we pick her up..he took her home alone that night cuz I didn't wanna go. We he denied it when I confronted him...but when I took my wedding ring off her confessed but claimed it was a silly joke, But then he contradicted himself and said he didn't tell me cuz he was trying to figure out how. He claimed she was lying bout him trying to sleep with her on the way jomf. Well I left for 4 days...came back and we celebrated our one ur anniversary a month later. I hardly talk to my female friend now. Well 3 weeks ago.we had a party at our house...normally we have six to seven friends over on weekends to hang out but this party was huge. Like twenty ppl.I started to feel sick...so I went inside and latest down around 11pm...in the bedroom..well my hubby and drunk friends were constantly checkin on me so I couldn't fall asleep. Well apparently my best friend got do drunk she passed out around one am. Someone put her inside on the couch around 2am. Well around 5am my hubby came and checked on me..I was fine...well evidently when he shut the bedroom door my Bestie seduced him...they had sex on the couch..but stopped in the middle...both went outside. Well my Bestie casually told everyone my hubby raped her. Well ppl left almost immediately cuz it was an awkward situation. Now remember I'm inside and no one came and got me. Neither my hubby or my Bestie made a sound..bedroom good leads into living room...my Australian shepherd was in bedroom with me...he barks at everything and he never barked and I never heard a sound. Well I heard everyone's vehicles leave and my hubby came in and told me the "rumor" my Bestie started...he denied it all. Well apparently my Bestie went and ate breakfast and ride around for several hours and was forced by friends to go to police...well police made her go to er to get the morning after pills...cops initially talked to my hubby but we have not heard a thing in three weeks. Never took dna or nothing. Rumor is she dropped charges. I dunno. I caught her with six guys drinking beer the night after. So personally I think she is a hoe and the only way to look like a victim was to say rape. Well my hubby told me what happened ...claimed he was drunk. I lost my job two days later...I had had two days off. I worked with my bestie...so put two and two together. Anyways we had to move in with his parents cuz I have no income. Lost our rent house. Only reason we r sleeping in the same bed..had no choice at his parents. I never see us having sex again. It makes me disgusted when I think about it. I worked hard and gave him everything I had and he threw it all away. Why would I wanna fix it when I could move on and start new. I'm young ya know. It would be his third chance....twice he cheated...and I did nothing but love him...he annoys me and gets on my nerves now...I plan on finding a good job and moving back with my parents where I can pay my car and payments without him...but I'm scared ill want him back and he won't be there. But I know I deserve better. He claims he knew he wasn't gonna lose me the first time but that he's scared to death ill leave this time. I've told him I plan to move back home to heal but he says how can he prove he will change if I'm gone...and he said since I dint trust him now ill think he's out doing stuff....I guess I am just worried ill want what I had back when I leave...but yet I'm miserable with his infedility hanging on mind all the time...

[trippi1432]

Hi Roxy, welcome to LS. Ultimately the decision on how to proceed is up to you, but a question to you, this has happened twice now with two different "besties" and I would say that they aren't as much "besties" anymore due to this. What's going to happen when your husband runs through all of your best friends as it sounds like he thinks he has free reign to do so?

 

I had a similar situation happen with my first exH, we were together for five years. Met in high school at 17 years old, married at 20 and separated at 22. During that time, we split up several times for his late night partying and infidelities with girls I thought were my friends. I don't even go back to that town because I was 5 years out from our divorce and still running across friends there who admitted sleeping with him while we were together. The last friend's story was similar to one of yours, he drove her home after a party at our house, she passed out, woke up with him "finishing up" as she put it.

 

The straw that broke the camel's back was when we split for the last time and he got a girl I knew he had cheated on me with preggers and was running from her. It was a defining moment in my life and a point of moving on from a bad relationship/marriage that was never going to work. Too many times I did not hold him accountable for his actions, I too blamed the friends and made excuses for him or believed him when he said he learned a lesson and wouldn't do it again. It was the most emotionally devastating relationship I ever had at such a young age as he was my first love.

 

I'm sharing this with you because I can tell you from experience...........this won't stop until you put an end to it. He's learned that he can get away with it. In both cases, it sounds as though he is into it for the sexual conquest, excitement, doing something taboo. It is infidelity; however, it's not an affair. In an affair, his sights would be set for one specific woman, typically someone he has grown close to and is emotionally drawn to as well as sexually. An affair, crazy as it sounds and just as devastating, is something that a marriage can try to recover from in some cases. Sexual promiscuity and unfaithfulness are the behaviors that your husband is showing because he has issues that he needs to resolve. Whether you choose to leave or not, those issues will still be there for him, and will also give him the permission and license to continue on his course of acting as if he is not married.

 

The next step really depends on you. In both cases, he acted even though he knew it was wrong. The only consequence he sees is that you will be upset when he is exposed about the promiscuity, but you will blame your friends and hold them more accountable than him. If you leave, you need to resolute that this is done and you can move forward from it as you do deserve better treatment from a spouse. Threatening to leave him isn't going to change his behavior if you leave and come back....back and forth.

 

If you stay and you think the two of you can work on it, HE needs to earn trust back and admit that he has a problem with sexual promiscuity and resolve it. It's a hard road either way you go but he's 27 years old, time for him to grow up and be a responsible spouse to his wife and marriage I would say.

 

Much luck to you hun.

Edited August 7, 2012 by trippi1432

[notbroken]

He has serious character flaws. Get him out of your life for your own sanity.

[Roxy1689]

Trippi,

Yes I guess i definately need to choose better friends. Both of these girls were my closest friends at the time. Hadnt been friends very long. A couple months. Both of our friendships were ended by my husbands actions. The first girl I still randomly talk to. What is strange is when my husband says things like "how come do yall not hang out anymore, yall were so close." Remember he claims it was just a silly joke and no harm was done, but that strikes me as strange. Now the second girl i do not talk to at all, in fact i know hate is a strong word but i hate her. The reason i do is because i believe that she took it too far, didnt handle the problem, instead she ran from it. You dont mess with ppls lives like that. This girl is only 21 too. So she has not lived or gotten out from underneath her mommas hand to know what the real world is like. She hasnt had to completely face consequences for her own actions yet. But what happens with this girl doesnt matter to me.....point is my husband cheated.

SO with that said....i can relate alot to what u said trippi....my husband had recently started going to some friends houses and parties alone. Normally the party would start at our house and when i got tired i would go inside and go to bed. Well he would ask permission to leave with some friends to go party hopping. Course i trusted him at the time and i trusted our friends so i saw no harm in it. Until he didnt come home till 6 am at times. After this happened a few times i put my foot down. Well then he would just have parties till 6 am at our house. Even if i went inside around 3 to go to bed...instead of telling everyone to leave and that it was time the party ended. He would continue to party till he felt tired.

I know EXACTLY how you feel about not wanting to be around the town anymore! The town that we did live in..we now live about ten minutes outside of town now..with him parents. I try to avoid going to town as much as possible, either by going to a different town to get what I need...or by combining as many errands into a trip as possible. BOTH of us do not go to parties or drink anymore. With me its mainly because even though i know that everyone looks at me like the poor faithful wife.....i worry ppl will think i am stupid for staying with him. Thus, I feel the way to avoid this is to not allow anyone to see me. I believe the reason my husband doesnt want to party or drink anymore..is not because he knows its a problem between us..i believe its because he knows his reputation is messed up now and he does not want to show his face around ppl now. I have even gone as far as not looking for a job in this town now. So until I find a job elsewhere and can move back home with my parents, i imagine i will avoid this town until then.

The affair/infidelity comparison u made was an eye opener to me, because you are exactly right. It is not a specific woman, or even type of woman he is going after. So it cant be as though he is trying to recreate a past woman, or a fantasy. He is simply trying to fullfill his sexual desires in anyway he can. Those being taboo...the excitement of doing it behind his wifes back. Which...i think can never be stopped. He claims the drinking was a huge problem, but i think he is just looking for an easy way out. We were together for 3 years before we got married and used to drink with friends. Never once had a problem until we got our own place and stress of bills. So i dont think he will ever change.

Now tell me if im crazy......to stay with him or to leave...here is my thoughts. WHen i think about staying with him...of course i immediately think about where his privates have been...how he must have no little person on his shoulder telling him right or wrong. How i would first have to get over that, and right now i NEVER see myself having sex with him again. Then i think of having to move back into our own house and having to face other problems. Which would put us back in the same situation and the same options for him to have another infidelity. Cuz of course living with his parents he cant do anything wrong. .....With the way things are right now...he gets on my nerves ALOT. When i think about it, it makes me angry and honestly...i just want to run away and start completely over...the thought of wishing i had never met him even crosses my mind. Cuz i know i love him...but i think the person i love is long gone.

Lately i have found myself daydreaming about the possible "new person." How wonderful things could be to go on dates and hang out with no worry of if he has been lying to me. To fully trust this person because he has not giving me a reason not to. The thought of remarrying and being completely happy because this person is completely faithful. ...Hell i even think of leaving him and being single again....not having to worry about if my husband is out running around..not having to care if he doesnt like the job i work at cuz of my hours or cuz of the ppl i work with. ......

But the thought is always in the back of my head.....my parents support me completely...they are going to allow me to move back home...even bring my cat and dog with me......and that what ever i decide will be my choice and they will not have an opinion unless i ask for it. They just want me happy. I have mentioned something to my husband about the possibility of moving back in with my parents...to live separately for a short period...to clear my mind, and find out if i truely love him enough to work it out. I have even told him that i think this will have to happen for me to completely trust him again...it would be live starting our relationship over completely...like when we were dating. We would be able to see each other when ever we agree to...only instead of going home together we would not be sleeping in the same beds. His response was " how do u expect me to prove to you u can trust me if we arent together." I dont really understand that. Am I wrong for wanting my space...and basically wanting him when it is convienent for me. Cuz ill be honest...i hate living with his parents because i cant handle our problems on my own...because his parents have rules. I cant be free to forgive....or free to forget if i need to.

Right now I am at my parents house...i am a country girl....we live on a farm....and my parents are outside...there is a spare bedroom....my old room....so it would be easy to move back home. But i know the smart thing to do would be to wait till i get a job. Which sounds bad cuz its like im only living with my husband for his money....is that wrong? But i got to think of my future...afterall we wouldnt be in this boat if it wasnt for him. But being at my parents now...thinking all this out....without him here....im in a happier mood....feel more comfortable.....am i wrong to want to move home? Would it be a bad idea to have a trial separation?

[Roxy1689]

Notbroken,

That he does, and when i think about getting rid of him i feel like a weight has been lifted....but then i miss the old him...but it is the old him i am missing and not the man i am married to at the moment. Im just scared one i leave that i will realize i do really love him and i can really work it out and get over it....that he wont be there, then ill be forced to file for divorce. Although I doubt this will happen..the scare is still there. .......or he will see it as a freedom option and go run around

[evryrozhasitsthorn]

Marriage has a way of bringing out the latent childhood traumas of the past. He's a boy in a man's body. My guess is that he doesn't grow up for a long time. With no kids, I'd be done. It might hurt for a while, but when you find someone with character, you'll be glad you quit on him.

[trippi1432]

Marriage has a way of bringing out the latent childhood traumas of the past. He's a boy in a man's body. My guess is that he doesn't grow up for a long time. With no kids, I'd be done. It might hurt for a while, but when you find someone with character, you'll be glad you quit on him.

 

Marriage doesn't bring out flaws that were already there, people do when they can't get over their past, move on without letting it define them and punishing everyone in their wake. But I do agree, a boy in a man's body and that happens despite man or woman.

 

 

Roxy -

But the thought is always in the back of my head.....my parents support me completely...they are going to allow me to move back home...even bring my cat and dog with me......and that what ever i decide will be my choice and they will not have an opinion unless i ask for it. They just want me happy. I have mentioned something to my husband about the possibility of moving back in with my parents...to live separately for a short period...to clear my mind, and find out if i truely love him enough to work it out. I have even told him that i think this will have to happen for me to completely trust him again...it would be live starting our relationship over completely...like when we were dating. We would be able to see each other when ever we agree to...only instead of going home together we would not be sleeping in the same beds. His response was " how do u expect me to prove to you u can trust me if we arent together." I dont really understand that. Am I wrong for wanting my space...and basically wanting him when it is convienent for me. Cuz ill be honest...i hate living with his parents because i cant handle our problems on my own...because his parents have rules. I cant be free to forgive....or free to forget if i need to.

Right now I am at my parents house...i am a country girl....we live on a farm....and my parents are outside...there is a spare bedroom....my old room....so it would be easy to move back home. But i know the smart thing to do would be to wait till i get a job. Which sounds bad cuz its like im only living with my husband for his money....is that wrong? But i got to think of my future...afterall we wouldnt be in this boat if it wasnt for him. But being at my parents now...thinking all this out....without him here....im in a happier mood....feel more comfortable.....am i wrong to want to move home? Would it be a bad idea to have a trial separation?

 

First and foremost, where are you happier? You see, I get this...my most peaceful moments were at my parents house sitting on the porch. My mom always lived in the sticks away from life...and that's where I went to collect my thoughts. My other safe haven was my best friend's porch swing...best thing about him was that he wasn't looking to have a sexual encounter with my guy <insert haha here>...but he was also just my best friend who could give me the "guy" perspective....and honestly...guys do that without saying much.

 

First, if you want a trial separation because the stress has become too much you have to do what is best for you. You also have to be willing to lose in this situation because you can't control (nor did you ever have control) over what he chooses. If he decides a different path than where your marriage and connection were, then that is up to him. That's when you will know if he was the right person for you to begin with. This is where I stated you must be resolute in your decision because you also have to be willing to live with the consequences and move on to a better life. The only control you have is over you.

 

The best advice my father ever gave me about love: "You will only find your true mate when you have been abused enough to know what you don't want AND when you meet another person who has been abused enough to know what they don't want. Then both parties are finally willing to give up control for a shared responsible relationship."

 

I bolded that last part because that is the gist of it, that is a marriage, that is intimacy, that is a relationship of honor, love and respect. You cannot fix what is broken, you can only try to understand. You cannot love what cannot be loved, you can only tolerate and try to understand...but you have to respect yourself. His choices are his choices, don't make them your problem because it's not you.

[dreamingoftigers]

From someone 5 years away from from your situation that has a three-year old daughter ........ Run.

 

My husband put me through Hell for three years until our daughter was taken away. Then he straightened up.

 

It isn't worth going through that level of crap.

 

I didn't know until I was 8 months pregnant. You know now.

 

You don't want to waste any more time on this predator. You will never be able to have anyone close to you if you keep him in your life. You'll be isolated and have only his drivel to listen to until you start to believe it.

 

You have all the blaring blazing sirens and signs. He isn't the man that you thought he was. He lets his inner demons rule and he is completely lacking in common sense and decency.

[KatZee]

He has serious character flaws. Get him out of your life for your own sanity.

 

Seriously. You have some crappy friends, and an even crappier husband. Once the blinders are off you're not going to want this back for one second. You've been married for 5 seconds and he's already cheated on you not once, but twice, and lies right to your face. It's as if he thinks you're truly stupid and he can just get away with anything. The first year of marriage is the honeymoon, not the guy sticking himself in all your best friends. That's disgusting and your husband is a pig. He's probably cheated on you with others that you don't even know about. If he has the balls to cheat with people you're this close to, just imagine what he's doing out there with the rest of the world. He won't stop. Your marriage (if you stay) will be plagued with this for as long as it goes on... I wouldn't even be surprised if he one day gave you an STD.

[Roxy1689]

I'm planning on moving in with my parents once I land any job...doesn't matter what..just something for income. My mind is definately made up in that aspect. Once i move in with my parents I'm sure I will realize I don't need him and it will be easier without him. Cuz I too believe he has cheated with ppl I know nothing of. I honestly seeyself happier without him and eventually the hurt will turn to anger.

[darkmoon]

at 23 you can have any man you want, you can leave and have your pick of new men, at 33 less so...and so on...what are you waiting for? xx

[Roxy1689]

I just wanted to update... I did leave... I'm now out on my own living with a roommate.. Had one bf that only lasted a few months and I'm now talkin to a close friend of mine who happens to be a body builder.....I'm happier than ever and the divorce will be final in a few weeks. My ex husband is now dating the girl he originally cheated with. I don't hate him or feel anything towards him. I've lost 60 pounds and have my high school body back... I work as a veterinarian technician after finishing my schooling.... I would say I got the way better deal and came out on top. It seemed like hard decision but I am so glad I left!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

I just wanted to update... I did leave... I'm now out on my own living with a roommate.. Had one bf that only lasted a few months and I'm now talkin to a close friend of mine who happens to be a body builder.....I'm happier than ever and the divorce will be final in a few weeks. My ex husband is now dating the girl he originally cheated with. I don't hate him or feel anything towards him. I've lost 60 pounds and have my high school body back... I work as a veterinarian technician after finishing my schooling.... I would say I got the way better deal and came out on top. It seemed like hard decision but I am so glad I left!!!

 

Good for you!

 

:) :)

[trippi1432]

Absolutely!! Good for you Hun!!

 

:bunny::bunny:

[TheBladeRunner]

I just wanted to update... I did leave... I'm now out on my own living with a roommate.. Had one bf that only lasted a few months and I'm now talkin to a close friend of mine who happens to be a body builder.....I'm happier than ever and the divorce will be final in a few weeks. My ex husband is now dating the girl he originally cheated with. I don't hate him or feel anything towards him. I've lost 60 pounds and have my high school body back... I work as a veterinarian technician after finishing my schooling.... I would say I got the way better deal and came out on top. It seemed like hard decision but I am so glad I left!!!

 

Ahhhhh! A better life, now that's revenge! Good for you!!

[Leo the Homely Lion]

Get rid of him, Roxy. It will save you pain.