weeb Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I've been with my GF for 13 months and she won't have sex with me because of my past sexual partners. She's self-conscious that she won't look as good naked, taste bad, won't be as good, etc. She was fine with the idea of having sex until I told her how many people I'd been with. She didn't ask, I just felt like she needed to know since she told me, I guess that was a mistake. I told her 11 months ago, so she's had a lot of time to process it. I've had sex with 8 people, maybe 9 depending on how you count it (We were drunk, I couldn't get hard, it lasted 3 seconds). And I've done oral with 12. She's only been with 1 guy. She keeps saying that she's scared she won't be as hot naked as the other 20 girls, or she won't taste good or won't be good at sex and I'll be disappointed, thinking about them, etc. Obviously I don't know how she'll taste, but I love giving oral, I'm sure she's fine. She's the sexiest girl I've ever had, hands down. She has a perfect body, I don't know why she's self-conscious. Even if she isn't good, who cares? 4 of the girls I had sex with were virgins, they obviously weren't good at first. I've told her this, but she just doesn't believe me. Part of the issue is her boyfriend cheated on her and left her for someone else after saying the sex wasn't good and the other girl had a better butt. She'll let me see her in a bikini when we go to the beach, but won't be in underwear around me... Underwear probably cover up more than the bikini! How do I get her to feel comfortable? Would you be uncomfortable in this situation, like her?
amaysngrace Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Reassure her that she's the sexiest girl you've ever gone out with and tell her you want to have sex with her but if she wants to just be friends and not have a sexual relationship that would be cool too. That should work. 6
Author weeb Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 I'm not going to basically force or scare her into having sex with me. The whole "Sleep with me or we're done", is a pretty douchy thing to do. I want her to feel good about herself sexually, not worse. ------------------------------- Another issue she mentions a lot is that she's scared it will hurt because just fingering herself hurts and tears her a bit. I'm quite a bit bigger than her ex and she's really tight. She hasn't had sex in 4 years, so yeah it'll hurt but it'll get better and lube does wonders. Btw, she's 19 and I'm 24.
amaysngrace Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I tried to help you but I guess you need to figure it out on your own. 1
Radu Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I'm not going to basically force or scare her into having sex with me. The whole "Sleep with me or we're done", is a pretty douchy thing to do. I want her to feel good about herself sexually, not worse. ------------------------------- Another issue she mentions a lot is that she's scared it will hurt because just fingering herself hurts and tears her a bit. I'm quite a bit bigger than her ex and she's really tight. She hasn't had sex in 4 years, so yeah it'll hurt but it'll get better and lube does wonders. Btw, she's 19 and I'm 24. Like it or not, she has psychological blocks. So you have 2 options, either do a bit of manipulation, and when/if you have sex be gentle and reassure her she is great. The other option is to break up with her. Right now your choice is to be stuck in decision limbo, for how long you want to be there is again ... your choice.
NoMagicBullet Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 (edited) Being 19 and having that previous BF leave her that way, of course she's going to feel insecure about having sex with any new guy after that. But yeah, volunteering how many partners you've had -- not a good move. BTW, oral counts as sex, so 20 is your total. That's a lot for someone who's 24. Knowing that, many women would assume you're going to quickly move on to the next woman whether the sex with them was good or not. So in the future, I suggest not mentioning it unless asked directly. If it hurts when she fingers herself, then something else is going on -- probably vaginismus. She should really see a doctor for that, and you two should probably hold off on sex anyway until she completes treatment, if that's what it is. Either way, you're going to have to have a lot of patience and be very reassuring, gentle, and supportive, because she is definitely not comfortable with having sex at this point. A good deal of this she'll need to work out for herself (in other words, there's not a lot you can do), but her seeing a counselor and/or doctor is highly advisable. Edited August 7, 2012 by NoMagicBullet Addition
Emilia Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Another issue she mentions a lot is that she's scared it will hurt because just fingering herself hurts and tears her a bit. I'm quite a bit bigger than her ex and she's really tight. She hasn't had sex in 4 years, so yeah it'll hurt but it'll get better and lube does wonders. Btw, she's 19 and I'm 24. She was 15 when she last had sex???? How old was she when she started? Perhaps she is so traumatised by the whole thing that she needs professional help. 4
fificremefarben Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 She's clearly very insecure, which is understandable. The more I think about it, I realise that I, myself, would be intimidated/bothered by a guy who'd had 20 sexual partners at that age. There's nothing wrong with it, but i my number was one twentieth of that, then, yeah, I'd be a little bothered. You sound like a nice guy though and it really comes across that you genuinely care about her and that you're already doing everything right in so far as showing her that you'll be patient etc. That's really all you can do on your part, showing her that you'll wait til she's ready and making her feel good about herself. Ultimately though, she's got to sort this one out herself. She's her own biggest mental block when it comes to this sex issue, so she's just got to get over it alone, bolstered by your support . Don't worry, though. You'll get there. When I was 18, my first boyfriend waited a year and a half for me to feel ready to have sex with him because it was my first time. A lot of guys wouldn't wait around that long, so it's nice to see that you're one of the nice ones who are happy to do so.
mickleb Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I'm not going to basically force or scare her into having sex with me. The whole "Sleep with me or we're done", is a pretty douchy thing to do. I want her to feel good about herself sexually, not worse. ------------------------------- Another issue she mentions a lot is that she's scared it will hurt because just fingering herself hurts and tears her a bit. I'm quite a bit bigger than her ex and she's really tight. She hasn't had sex in 4 years, so yeah it'll hurt but it'll get better and lube does wonders. Btw, she's 19 and I'm 24. No, actually, in your case it's not douchey. If you had just started seeing her, it would be but this has been... 11 months! I admire your patience. This girl may have had a horrendous experience with her ex but she is pretty lucky, finding you. How her ex treated her is NOT your fault. She doesn't seem to be doing it consciously but she is holding you to ransom for his behaviour. This is her issue, and she needs to address it. You can help her do this but she needs to accept it is her responsibility. I suggest she sees a counsellor. She sounds quite traumatised by what happened to her in her last relationship. What happened was not nice, but her response is a bit extreme. If she is not willing to do this, and does not become receptive to - tentatively - trying intimacy with you again, you have no choice but to give her the ultimatum. The onus is not on you to fix her. If you accept that it is, you'll actually be enabling her fearful behaviour. She has held onto her fears for too long, and needs to address them. Give her the opportunity to take responsibility for herself, and if she can't (or won't), move on. (Or accept a lifetime of celibacy with her.)
Radu Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Good point by Emilia. If this is the case, then it's OK to leave someone over baggage if they don't try to fix their baggage.
mickleb Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 If this is the case, then it's OK to leave someone over baggage if they don't try to fix their baggage. Absolutely.
RedRobin Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I see it as a combination of things.... 1) she had a negative experience in the past, and is scared/reluctant to try again. 2) She doesn't trust you because of the number of women you've been with. To be honest, I don't think you are the ideal person to help her work through this. What exactly do you plan to do with her once you get her to have sex with you? As far as she can see, you have a habit of humping and dumping(?). How is this supposed to be a positive experience for her? If she were here, I'd recommend she get counseling and do some reading... and find someone else whose sexual experience is closer to hers going forward.
RedRobin Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Good point by Emilia. If this is the case, then it's OK to leave someone over baggage if they don't try to fix their baggage. It's also ok to not trust or leave men who pretend their past sexual habits have no bearing on their ability to be a caring partner... and think it's the woman's job to overlook their past poor decisions. 2
Radu Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 It sure is. Keep in mind that it also goes both ways, and that any leaving should be done before you waste 1yr of someone's life. 2
thatone Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I'm not going to basically force or scare her into having sex with me. The whole "Sleep with me or we're done", is a pretty douchy thing to do. I want her to feel good about herself sexually, not worse. ------------------------------- Another issue she mentions a lot is that she's scared it will hurt because just fingering herself hurts and tears her a bit. I'm quite a bit bigger than her ex and she's really tight. She hasn't had sex in 4 years, so yeah it'll hurt but it'll get better and lube does wonders. Btw, she's 19 and I'm 24. that's what you get when you go after teenagers and you're 24? either way, mistake was telling her anything she might perceive as negative to start with. your lesson to take away from this is to withhold information that can be used against you until you know she's not the type to use it against you.
joystickd Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I say dump her because its hard being with someone for 11 months with issues. You are a better man than me because the cord would have got cut sooner.
joystickd Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 It's also ok to not trust or leave men who pretend their past sexual habits have no bearing on their ability to be a caring partner... and think it's the woman's job to overlook their past poor decisions. Let's keep you woman's agenda off of this please
Leopard Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I wouldn't be uncomfortable because I am confident about my body, and I know I have a nice body so I have nothing to worry about. But it's her insecurity that she needs to work on. 13 months and no sex? My god you are one amazing man to still stick with her after that. I would tell her that it's over. That's it's not the sex that's bothering you, but her insecurities that are preventing you two from having a healthy relationship. Right now it's not up to you to make her feel comfortable, it's up to her. The only other alternative I can think of is just stop making sexual advances and see how she feels. She might feel even more rejected and make the advances first, to get that confidence back. But seriously? 13 months and no sex? Wow.
Balzac Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Her history sounds more complicated than a bad sexual encounter with an EX. I'd be concerned that she has psychogical trauma predating her ex. 1
RedRobin Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Let's keep you woman's agenda off of this please Last time I checked, women don't need your permission to post here... and yea... women need to be reminded that they have choices and decisions to make too. It's not all one sided... Too bad for you, I guess. (... and ladies... take a peek at the guys recommending lying to get in the sack. If you want to learn how to spot these types early on, make sure to track their posts. You'll get a sense of the MO's of guys like this and what to watch out for)
joystickd Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Last time I checked, women don't need your permission to post here... and yea... women need to be reminded that they have choices and decisions to make too. It's not all one sided... Too bad for you, I guess. (... and ladies... take a peek at the guys recommending lying to get in the sack. If you want to learn how to spot these types early on, make sure to track their posts. You'll get a sense of the MO's of guys like this and what to watch out for) I never recommended lying. I am always about honesty 1
InJest Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Dump this retarded bitch, or start banging other girls until she decides she's ready.
RedRobin Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Yes, I think the young lady is much better off with a guy who hasn't messed with 20 women by 24... Especially if he thinks it's a badge of honor like some other guys who post on LS. Part of it is on her, sure... But she has every right to be with someone she can trust. OP, you may have some explaining to do yourself why none of these encounters resulted in relationships... and what the circumstances were. It's likely that you both are just at an impasse though... and it is time for both of you to move on.
joystickd Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Yes, I think the young lady is much better off with a guy who hasn't messed with 20 women by 24... Especially if he thinks it's a badge of honor like some other guys who post on LS. Part of it is on her, sure... But she has every right to be with someone she can trust. OP, you have some explaining to do yourself why none of these encounters resulted in relationships... and what the circumstances were. Would it be ok if a man told a woman that messed with 20 men by 24 the same thing? You know saying she has some explaining to do about why none of the encounters resulted in relationships.
GorillaTheater Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 (edited) Yes, I think the young lady is much better off with a guy who hasn't messed with 20 women by 24... I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that I've had just about enough of your anti-slut bigotry. Edited August 7, 2012 by GorillaTheater
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