:(

[ILoveMyKids]

sigh...Mine is a long story but I will try to explain the situation as much as possible.

I recently separated from my husband and the divorce will be finalized in a few months. We have 2 young children. We were trying to keep things friendly for the sake of the kids and so we drew up our own paper work stating I have 100% physical custody. He visits them about once or twice a week but I am always open to him visiting with the kids more than that, in fact I encourage it.

For the past year this is how it has been with no problems. Well he got a girlfriend and everything has changed. He wanted them for an over night ...he has not had them even for a whole day for the past year. I was super nervous about it but I let him have them over night at a family members house. Now he is insisting to have them overnight at his girlfriends home whom he has known for less than 5 months...does this sound reasonable??? I feel all of my motherly instincts screaming at me right now but I almost feel as if I don't have any choice

[2sunny]

sigh...Mine is a long story but I will try to explain the situation as much as possible.

I recently separated from my husband and the divorce will be finalized in a few months. We have 2 young children. We were trying to keep things friendly for the sake of the kids and so we drew up our own paper work stating I have 100% physical custody. He visits them about once or twice a week but I am always open to him visiting with the kids more than that, in fact I encourage it.

For the past year this is how it has been with no problems. Well he got a girlfriend and everything has changed. He wanted them for an over night ...he has not had them even for a whole day for the past year. I was super nervous about it but I let him have them over night at a family members house. Now he is insisting to have them overnight at his girlfriends home whom he has known for less than 5 months...does this sound reasonable??? I feel all of my motherly instincts screaming at me right now but I almost feel as if I don't have any choice

 

If you have 100% phys custody you have the power to say nope any/every time you want.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe you should meet her and see how she interacts with your kid first?

 

That may help you out.

[ILoveMyKids]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Yes I brought that up, meeting the girlfriend... I told him that I would like to meet her and he seemed a bit taken back by that.

He said he doesnt know if she would be comfortable meeting me as i am the "X" ...I am a very laid back person, and I didn't really know what to say back bedsides re-stating my purpose for meeting her is purely to make things smooth and not to cause any upsets...I am waiting for him to get back to me on whether or not she is comfortable meeting me...He also said that what I was requesting (by wanting to meet her) was very odd and doesn't happen normally in divorces..??? I am kind of at a loss here.

 

I know that technically I can just put my foot down and say No since I do have 100% physical custody...but i know that most likely he will take it to court...and I have very limited resources...hiring a lawyer would most likely not be an option for me.

I guess I am trying to get him to be a little reasonable while looking out for my children's interests and I'm really trying to stay out of court. I have heard so many horror stories about divorces that go thru the court and like I said I have a very limited income right now.

I guess I am also afraid that if I go thru all of that money and trouble he might just get what he wants after all then I will have no say whatsoever.

[Roxy1689]

Ur ex hubby is a grown man my dear...he should have enough respect from u to have u trust his judgement. If he believes his gf will be good with ur children...which r his too...then I say allow it. If it gets outta hand and the children come home hurt or he is late at meetings then stop it. If he has never put ur children in bad judgemenf before then he shouldn't start now. That's how the courts will look at it too. Give him the benefit of doubt. After all if it is the yr making him want to see his children then she can't be all that bad.

[amaysngrace]

It's normal to feel anxious about the future and how it's all going to play out.

 

They're your children and it's a very stressful job raising them and watching out for their best interests especially doing it alone. I can really relate to what you're going through. My exH met and married a nurse while I was just a stay at home mom. So I know your fears.

 

But you don't know how it's going to be. She may not like having them there because her single-persons house is neat compared to one with kids. She may not want to be tied down to your ex because it's a lot to take on. Or she may love your ex and genuinely love your kids.

 

I've always thought the more love a child gets the better it is for them.

 

Anyway it's early into their relationship and who's to say how it will all end up? Know this though...be a good mom and put your children's needs first before your fears and everything will work in your favor. There is no way it cannot.

[ILoveMyKids]

@ Roxy...Yes I see your point. he has not always had the best judgement, which is part of the reason why we are no longer together. But in his defense I think, like a lot of men, that he does better with older children (out of diapers at least). Thanks for pointing that out and I appreciate what you said as far as him choosing a good person. I do want to respect his decisions and would hope that this woman would be good to my children.

 

@Amasin Thank you for your positivity It has been extremely hard for me to transition from full time single parenting to all of these sudden demands. It is nice to hear from someone in a similar situation. I have been a stay at home mommy for yeeears and this is a working woman who he is now with, so there are definitely some similarities in our stories.

 

I do know that despite our differences and any shortcomings he may have that he does love our children. I guess I will just pray on it and try to have some faith.

You know I have toyed around with all of those scenarios that you mentioned and probably millions more. It has been driving me batty! If you don't mind me asking, how did it go for you when you had to share your kids with your ex and his new GF? Did the kids have an easy time understanding the situation? Any words of advise?

[Trimmer]

We were trying to keep things friendly for the sake of the kids and so we drew up our own paper work stating I have 100% physical custody.

I just wanted to clarify something here - when you drew up this paperwork, did you complete a full, legal divorce, and have a Decree entered by a court, which included the 100% physical custody arrangement? Just something about the way you have referred to your situation made me want to confirm that...

[ILoveMyKids]

Trimmer,

Hi. Well we did go thru the court as far as including our agreement in the divorce paperwork. We went thru a paralegal then filed thru the court....

I hope I answerd your question? I am not familiar with the legal terms for how we filed.

[Trimmer]

Trimmer,

Hi. Well we did go thru the court as far as including our agreement in the divorce paperwork. We went thru a paralegal then filed thru the court....

I hope I answerd your question? I am not familiar with the legal terms for how we filed.

Yeah, that answered it. I just wanted to make sure you made it all official, in whatever way you needed to where you live. Just something about the way you said you did it yourself, and then later said you didn't want to have your divorce go through the courts made me want to confirm it. But I realize you were talking about the possibility of your ex taking the custody question back into court if it came to that...

 

Thanks for clarifying.

 

As to your situation, if your ex wants to bring your kids into the home of his new GF, isn't that going to be a little uncomfortable for them? Speaking as a parent (which is how you should approach this, not as an ex-spoluse) I would say that if the ex is going to put them in that environment, I would expect him to expect his GF to be ready to put up with some potential discomfort to meet you and get to know the kids' mom. If she's going to be a part of your kids' lives, then she's not going to be able to avoid you forever. Might as well break the ice, start off on good footing, and let her know you're "mom" and not so much "the ex." The whole point is to make things easier on the kids.

 

When he said "that doesn't happen normally in divorces", look - there's no "normal." We are all making it up as we go along. I think I would say something like "look, I'm not going to make it more uncomfortable. I just want to meet her and say hello, as a mom. This is about the kids..."

[Gunny376]

 

When he said "that doesn't happen normally in divorces", look - there's no

"normal." We are all making it up as we go along. I think I would say

something like "look, I'm not going to make it more uncomfortable. I just want

to meet her and say hello, as a mom. This is about the kids..."

 

You NAILED IT WITH THAT!

[ILoveMyKids]

Trimmer:

Yes that is EXACTLY what I am trying to get across to him!

 

Thanks for the perfect wording I will try that the next time that we speak.

 

I sincerely don't want to fight or make things more difficult. I just want to try and cushion things for my children as much as I possibly can and having the lines of communication open between all of the adults just seems like it would be so much better for them especially in the long run.

[amaysngrace]

 

@Amasin Thank you for your positivity It has been extremely hard for me to transition from full time single parenting to all of these sudden demands. It is nice to hear from someone in a similar situation. I have been a stay at home mommy for yeeears and this is a working woman who he is now with, so there are definitely some similarities in our stories.

 

I do know that despite our differences and any shortcomings he may have that he does love our children. I guess I will just pray on it and try to have some faith.

You know I have toyed around with all of those scenarios that you mentioned and probably millions more. It has been driving me batty! If you don't mind me asking, how did it go for you when you had to share your kids with your ex and his new GF? Did the kids have an easy time understanding the situation? Any words of advise?

 

Well my son liked her instantly but my daughter had a tough time because she felt disloyal to me to like her. I spoke to her about it and she knew it was okay to like us and even love us both.

 

It's a strange situation that I'm in because my children are older now and they really dislike their father because he is still in love with me while he is married to her and never misses the opportunity to let me know that he wants me back.

 

But she and I get along pretty well. If we all three end up going somewhere together she and I speak like friends and he's just there.

 

Mostly I just try to stay out of their business and always have. I didn't probe my kids but simply asked "did you have a good time?" and they'd tell me what they wanted me to know. Sometimes was good...sometimes was bad but I'd listen and if I needed to make a phone call because it was really bad, I would.

 

I would just simply advise you to lay back, ask how'd it go, listen to them and trust your maternal instincts.

 

Your children will subtly clue you in if you keep the lines of communication open. Also, too, if they say something negative about a situation, hear them out and validate their feeiings but try not to bad mouth them to the children. Take it up with him.

 

If you put your children's well-being before your own emotions you will be just fine.

[KatZee]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Yes I brought that up, meeting the girlfriend... I told him that I would like to meet her and he seemed a bit taken back by that.

He said he doesnt know if she would be comfortable meeting me as i am the "X" ...

 

Honestly, if this woman is comfortable dating a man who has an ex wife and two children, she should be comfortable to meet the mother of those children.

 

They've been dating for 5 seconds. You have no idea who she is, and I highly doubt your ex-H knows her 110% beyond a shadow of a doubt.

 

He hasn't had the kids for a overnight, let alone even a full day in over a year and now he wants to play house with this unknown? Sorry.

 

Even though I have no kids of my own, I can without a doubt say my mother instincts would be screaming at me. I would not allow my kids to be alone with this person when I had no idea who she was, what she was about, what sort of influence she'd have over the kids, if she was classy, tacky, etc etc.

 

If she can't agree to meet you, then the agreement to an overnight is a no-go. You're the mother. You will always be around. You're going no where. If she remains a girlfriend she's GOING to have to meet you. No questions asked. This is my opinion. Then again, I'm a complete bull, I won't be budged. Others may be a bit more lenient.

Edited August 8, 2012 by KatZee

[ILoveMyKids]

Update, the GF has agreed to meet me and the X seems open to letting the kids actually get to know her a little before the overnight...I cannot tell you how relieved I am!

I know that I cannot control what happens on his end of things but I just want to keep things calm. I figure we will be doing this for the rest of our lives we might as well try and communicate and get along as much as possible for the kids sakes.

 

I just figured out how to "quote" so here goes

 

Honestly, if this woman is comfortable dating a man who has an ex wife and two children, she should be comfortable to meet the mother of those children.

 

They've been dating for 5 seconds. You have no idea who she is, and I highly doubt your ex-H knows her 110% beyond a shadow of a doubt.

 

He hasn't had the kids for a overnight, let alone even a full day in over a year and now he wants to play house with this unknown? Sorry.

 

Even though I have no kids of my own, I can without a doubt say my mother instincts would be screaming at me. I would not allow my kids to be alone with this person when I had no idea who she was, what she was about, what sort of influence she'd have over the kids, if she was classy, tacky, etc etc.

 

If she can't agree to meet you, then the agreement to an overnight is a no-go. You're the mother. You will always be around. You're going no where. If she remains a girlfriend she's GOING to have to meet you. No questions asked. This is my opinion. Then again, I'm a complete bull, I won't be budged. Others may be a bit more lenient.

 

Hi Kat: Yes the fact that they have only dated a very short time and have no friendship history whatsoever I think definitely worries me, a lot. I don't understand how you can know a person at all in such a short time. I actually do hope that she is a good fit for him. I mean who am I to say, she could be a really great person and they could work out great together. But in the meantime I would like to attempt to make the transition for my children as painless as possible.

 

 

 

 

 

They are split. You cant wrap your kids in bubble wrap all their lives!!

 

Why the hell would she `want` to meet her??

 

He`s the father!!

 

OP , this sounds more like jealousy,??

 

Hello Coopster... I can assure you there is no jealousy here what so ever.

 

My main reasoning for wanting to meet with her is to establish a level of communication between us. I think it would be far more awkward and uncomfortable for all involved if we behave as if we cannot speak to one another.

My children are very young and there will be many many events and occasions in which we will all have to co mingle to some extent, drop offs pick ups, sports events, graduations and so on. I feel it is always better for the children to see everyone communicating rather than being at odds with one another and not speaking.

[ILoveMyKids]

Well my son liked her instantly but my daughter had a tough time because she felt disloyal to me to like her. I spoke to her about it and she knew it was okay to like us and even love us both.

 

It's a strange situation that I'm in because my children are older now and they really dislike their father because he is still in love with me while he is married to her and never misses the opportunity to let me know that he wants me back.

 

But she and I get along pretty well. If we all three end up going somewhere together she and I speak like friends and he's just there.

 

Mostly I just try to stay out of their business and always have. I didn't probe my kids but simply asked "did you have a good time?" and they'd tell me what they wanted me to know. Sometimes was good...sometimes was bad but I'd listen and if I needed to make a phone call because it was really bad, I would.

 

I would just simply advise you to lay back, ask how'd it go, listen to them and trust your maternal instincts.

 

Your children will subtly clue you in if you keep the lines of communication open. Also, too, if they say something negative about a situation, hear them out and validate their feeiings but try not to bad mouth them to the children. Take it up with him.

 

If you put your children's well-being before your own emotions you will be just fine.

 

 

Amaysn, yes I have seen that happen with friends where the kids felt the need to be "loyal" to one parent . It must be so confusing for them. I agree with you in trying to think positively about the situation and I do not speak negatively about him to the children ever. I think that would add so much unnecessary stress. Thank you for sharing I really appreciate it

[Trimmer]

Honestly, if this woman is comfortable dating a man who has an ex wife and two children, she should be comfortable to meet the mother of those children.

Yes... This was my thought exactly, and you put it much better than I was able to put into words...

 

They are split. You cant wrap your kids in bubble wrap all their lives!!

 

Why the hell would she `want` to meet her??

 

He`s the father!!

 

OP , this sounds more like jealousy,??

Disagree. You are right that you can't wrap them in bubble-wrap, but she is still the mother, and from reading her other posts, it doesn't sound like jealousy, but a reasonable request to make civil and cordial contact with a woman who is moving towards playing a pseudo-parental role in her kids' lives. As a divorced parent myself, I find this completely reasonable, if approached in a civil way: I think it's reasonable for me to expect of my ex-wife, and I find it reasonable in the other direction, if she wanted to make cordial contact with a new GF that was going to be playing a role in our kids' lives, staying overnight, going on vacations together, etc...

 

In addition, the final point for me is that - again, if approached in a civil way, as it sounds like the OP is doing - then it settles down and stabilizes the emotional environment for the kids, which is to their benefit, and to me, that's the best part of all.

 

Update, the GF has agreed to meet me and the X seems open to letting the kids actually get to know her a little before the overnight...I cannot tell you how relieved I am!

I know that I cannot control what happens on his end of things but I just want to keep things calm. I figure we will be doing this for the rest of our lives we might as well try and communicate and get along as much as possible for the kids sakes.

 

But in the meantime I would like to attempt to make the transition for my children as painless as possible.

 

My main reasoning for wanting to meet with her is to establish a level of communication between us. I think it would be far more awkward and uncomfortable for all involved if we behave as if we cannot speak to one another.

 

My children are very young and there will be many many events and occasions in which we will all have to co mingle to some extent, drop offs pick ups, sports events, graduations and so on. I feel it is always better for the children to see everyone communicating rather than being at odds with one another and not speaking.

I think you have a very reasonable approach, and I am glad for your kids that you have this perspective, and are putting the effort into normalizing the environment. Good for you.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

sigh...Mine is a long story but I will try to explain the situation as much as possible.

I recently separated from my husband and the divorce will be finalized in a few months. We have 2 young children. We were trying to keep things friendly for the sake of the kids and so we drew up our own paper work stating I have 100% physical custody. He visits them about once or twice a week but I am always open to him visiting with the kids more than that, in fact I encourage it.

For the past year this is how it has been with no problems. Well he got a girlfriend and everything has changed. He wanted them for an over night ...he has not had them even for a whole day for the past year. I was super nervous about it but I let him have them over night at a family members house. Now he is insisting to have them overnight at his girlfriends home whom he has known for less than 5 months...does this sound reasonable??? I feel all of my motherly instincts screaming at me right now but I almost feel as if I don't have any choice

 

 

This entry on its own doesn't give any cause for having true instinctive character concerns relating to her, or even to him. This smacks of you, (although you may not consciously want to see it) simply feeling (anything aside from 'what's best for the kids' ). If you know her to have a police record, or truly unsavory friends or neighbors, or even a funny uncle, THEN OK, protest and deny the overnight visit.

 

Aside from those sorts of factors, it is well within the realm of possibility that THE KIDS need to interact with their father AND his girlfriend... the GIRLFRIEND needs to gain some sense of your ex's RESPONSIBILITY and his "way" with children (for better or for worse)... AND the EX needs to give his girlfriend THAT sense of himself. (now he may put on the grandest, most wonderful show/act, but THAT won't harm the kids in the near term, even if, when you're 70, and they're 40, you all recognize it as having been a one-act affair)

 

These are very plausible explanations for your EX's sudden will and interest in interacting with the kids.

 

It just seems... the right thing to do when what's best for the kids is the most prominent determining factor.

 

(and it is OK if your ego was bruised and more, by this ex, but if you're really putting the kids first... you've not said anything that makes this a wrong/bad idea)

[g450]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Yes I brought that up, meeting the girlfriend... I told him that I would like to meet her and he seemed a bit taken back by that.

He said he doesnt know if she would be comfortable meeting me as i am the "X"

 

Oh boo hoo, she will be uncomfortable. This is your KIDS we are talking about. If she is going to interact with your children then she better step up to the plate and meet with you. If she has nothing to hide then why is she uncomfortable? It's for the kids right? Sounds to me like there may be more going on here. There is no reason for her to "feel uncomfortable".

 

My boundry would be this: If she cant meet with you then she cant be around your kids. Simple as that. You could also do a background check on her to make sure she is not a phycho. But that costs money.

 

And I wonder if the old H is worried that you two might actually hit it off and you tell her what his faults are.

 

This is why I always advise people not to marry single moms and fathers, even though I did it myself.

 

I am currently helping to raise my new Wife's 14 year old. And one thing that chaffes my azz is the fact that this kids father never let him live with him because his GF didnt like his kid. So he picked his GF over his own Son. There are some really messed up people out there. SOB is completely off the radar now and is a year behind in CS payments.