Kelemvor Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 (edited) Deleted... Edited August 7, 2012 by Kelemvor
Author Kelemvor Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 I'll figure it out... Thanks. I feel like asking for advice about this on a forum is just an easy way to let someone else make a tough decision for you when it's really something with lots of variables that nobody is going to have nearly as clear an insight into the situation as the person posting. We make mistakes and then live with the consequences and hard decision to make... Such is life I guess. Just ignore the thread. I tried to delete it but don't have the ability.
BetrayedH Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Your marriage and your life will not be authentic until you admit your affair. Keeping your spouse in the dark is also tremendously unfair to them. They deserve to be able to make an informed decision about the rest of their life. Don't let them keep you on a pedestal where you know you don't belong. Good luck.
Author Kelemvor Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 I think it's more complicated than that. Honestly, admitting to an affair is easy if you are prepared for the worst case scenario, and even secretly might long for it. It's an easy way out... a get out of jail card if you will. In cases like that.. I see it as a selfish way out of marriage, purging yourself of all guilt with a single confession and giving the other person an entirely new basket of problems to deal with. For instance, they will be irreparably damaged emotionally. They might even choose never to trust a man again, or marriage for that matter. They might wrongly blame themselves for their spouses infidelity. There are a number of factors. The gut instinct, I think for someone with a good internal moral compass is to admit. After all, honesty is the best policy in life, right? I think it's more complicated than that and you have to think it through and think about the emotional fragility, detrimental effects to the relationship, and long term effects to the other person. If you are inherently a good person who just made a terrible mistake, I can say it's pure torture living with the secret. Blunt honesty would be a welcome reprieve from the constant reminder and guilt, but perhaps that's penance deserved. I think it also depends on if you see it as a one time mistake and the psychological guilt and repercussions are more than enough to motivate you to never make that mistake again... versus say being a sociopath or narcissist who might repeatedly make the same mistake over and over again. All these variables change the scenario and I think every situation is probably unique in that regard. I'm honest enough that if I were ever asked directly, I could and would not lie about it. However, I appreciate your thoughts and response. Honestly, that's my knee jerk reaction and instinct also, is to just come clean entirely, but I have more than myself and my own "weight lifted" catharsis to worry about. I have to think about the potential harm to the other person. I actually discussed this with my closest friend today, even in the context of "what if we were to ever get divorced?". Would telling her give her an easier target to blame for the failure of the marriage, or is this the type of person that would perhaps blame themselves needlessly, or never trust a man again when they might be totally deserving of someone else. It's really not easy. I think most men would want to know and could deal with it. I think with women, it can become a bit more complicated, depending on their psychological make up. Anyway, thanks for your opinion. I deleted the original post because it's really irrelevant at this point. It's something I'll have to work out on my own, for good or for bad. I will say this much... Infidelity is such a destructive force and I don't say that in the context of a marriage, but also in the context of what it does to the person who made the mistake.
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