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[Exit]

Anyone in touch with her? She hasn't made a thread for a few days and still wasn't sounding much happier.

[Hindsight_is_20_20]

I was thinking the same thing.. hope she's doing alright.

[ImASadPanda]

Hi ... I'm sorry I disappeared from the forums ... I fell off the wagon and pretty much backslid pretty far ... sent two meaningful emails to the ex, the first, prompted by myself, my own thoughts of how we, as people in general, are able to cultivate growth of the new from the ashes of the old and dead, and that I truly believed that sometimes things have to be completely torn down... leveled to the earth, before a truly stable foundation can be laid that is capable of supporting the infrastructure of something meant to stand the tests of time and all obstacles that come with it.

 

Then I got a note ... hand written, at my door that simply said "I haven't see your beautiful smile lately" with a phone number. I knew exactly who it was from ... a neighbor a few doors down, that has two large breed puppies, and I always feel happy when I run into them and they seem like such a handful that I left a note offering to help him walk them if it would be helpful. Well, I sent that email Thursday, got that note Thursday night, and that prompted the second email ... trying to paint the picture that I don't think he realizes ... that his back and forth, "I miss you" but "I don't think I can get over this quickly, I need time to reset, like a computer" ... all this push and pull, is going to change my feelings ... I will see that other people are interested in me, and my feelings for him will start to change and fade, and that it was the last thing I wanted, but it was a reality he needed to know. The ex texted to try to at least acknowledge the emails, saying he wanted to call, but it was hard to even figure out what to say in response ... I asked him if he realized that those emails were triggered by things ... and he said no, and I asked if he wanted to know and he said yes. So I explained the first was a lot of reflection, and understanding that to move forward together we would both have to leave the old relationship behind, and that I was ready to do that work with him, but that the second one was triggered by a note, and text messages that were sent from that guy ... and I even sent my ex a picture text of the note, and one of the text messages from the admirer that said "Well, I have had a crush on you for a while, but you were dating that guy when we met and I thought you were still seeing him."

 

I let my ex see those ... and my followup text to those was "do you realize that "that guy" I was dating was you, and the reason I was completely unaware of this guys "crush" was because when I date someone, I am dedicated and loyal and all the rest of the world (in terms of men) fades away.

 

Anyway ... text conversation kept going a little while, then we talked on Sunday, both of us crying, but me more out of suffering and pain that I am enduring trying to salvage this and baring all the burden ... his tears, he said it because it pains him to have to say the things he says, and how much he wishes we could still have all our dreams, but that he emotionally "fragile" and that I did too much damage by pointing out his self-centered and selfish actions to his, and making him face who he really was in the relationship.

 

I've had pretty much no good days, many void feeling days and even more random bad days of waking up crying, crying at random in the car, I took several days off work (though I worked anyway ... work/life balance is such a lie), and I just cried randomly at home, saying to myself why, or I don't want this to be like this, or I can't be like this anymore, please God just let it stop, let me stop hurting ... and of course this makes me feel like I have truly lost it when I am literally talking to myself out loud to try and calm down out of anxiety fits.

 

I had packed everything up weeks and weeks ago, pictures, notes, etc., but there are a few things I had kept out ... one being the panda bear stuff animal mini pillows (one was supposed to be him, the other me ... cheesy, I know ... but there you have it) ... I had been sleeping with one in the bed at night, and letting my little dog sleep with her head on the other. The second thing(s) I still have out our some maps from our travels in Europe that we bought to frame (artistic/old world looking maps), and the two travel books we bought for our trip last year ... The panda pillows I finally put away 2 nights ago ... but I really like the travel books and framed maps in my livingroom ... it conveys part of who I am and what I love, but they also taunt me when I look at them, know there will be no more trips like that, and they are now just meaningless pieces, because they will no longer be first to what we wanted to be a collection of old world looking maps from everywhere we went together (thinking long term).

 

My friend's birthday was tonight ... we went out, lots of friends and drinks, I kept myself to a limit, knowing I didn't want drug interaction in public, and I needed to be able to get myself home. I had checked my phone several times, knowing that today was the day he flies home at 7:18pm each week ... and nothing. Eventually I just got tired at the late late hour called 10:30 ... by 11pm I had excused myself and said I was going home. I realized I have no desire to be going "out" anymore, that is not the phase of life I am in, I am ready to be serious and settle down in the next few years ... and these bars and clubs are always the same faces, over and over ... not dating potential at all. All of this was setting in as I took the subway alone, and walked to my car alone, and then to my apartment alone ... that I simply enjoy being in relationships ... I don't want all the attention and to be out partying every night ... I grew out of that person a long time ago. So by the time I made it to my apartment, dropped the "bar" clothes for comfy closed and hopped in bed with the tiny puppy (without the panda bear pillows), I started crying again... just like that , just out of nowhere. How is that even possible? I can be seemingly fine, ok, holding it together, and then I just randomly burst into tears and sobbing out loud, or the tears silently trickle down and create a tear stained face. It's sad to say, but my laptop screen is actually tear stained from the past week... I leaned in as close to my laptop as possible during a crying spell at the office so no one could see ... and the tears ran down the laptop screen ... and for some reason, I can't bring myself to clean them off ... what is that? That is crazy, that's what that is. What the hell is wrong with me. We are going on 8+ weeks here ... and I did everything wrong immediately after the break up that I could have, then regrained a little ground by forcing his hand, then completely put the ball and power back in his court while i remain a sobbing mess, and I assure tonight's out probably made it worse as I looked around and saw tons of men ... that looked like they had just graduated undergrad, had no real clue about life, and for SOME STRANGE REASON, all seemed 5'6" and under??? (please don't hate me if anyone is offended, I'm just tall at 5'9" so this creates issues in finding taller men to date to avoid wrecking their self confidence if I am taller).

 

I sent a text message to a friend I was out with tonight (she has been the closest to me during the breakup) after I got home ... just saying "I'm still not ok, I just got home and burst into tears, I'm not capable of coping with this, not this time, other breakups yes, but for some reason, not this one. I'm sorry to interrupt the continued festivities, i just feel like I am breaking and needed to reach out, but not response expected or necessary tonight ... enjoy the night for me."

 

That's pretty much it ... I did my horse show last weekend that I had mentioned in a post ... but literally no sooner had we gotten back to the barn with the horses, and I put my guy away and fed him and hopped in my car and all the distractions I had for the day were gone, and I cried in the car the entire 30 minute drive home.

 

Nothing is working ... diving into work, taking some time off work, riding and competing in jumpers with my horse, going out with friends, getting my hair done ... all I do is cry still ... I feel like I am hitting a breaking point ... the dating scene is dismal and I keep thinking, jesus, even if I felt emotionally neglected and taken for granted ... he is better dating material (at least on paper, matching ourselves up) than any of these @ss hats out here ...

 

I feel hopeless ... lost, desperate for relief ...

[Exit]

Good to hear from you.

 

I read your post, things seemed to trail off unless I skipped a paragraph. What happened after showing your ex the texts and attention from the other guy? I know you mentioned that he still said he is too hurt from what you did to him. So is that it now? Did he agree to stop doing the push pull and that you guys are going to leave each other alone? Or is this nonsense going to continue?

 

Also you said the bar scene sucks and there's nobody you want to date, but what happened with the neighbor who left the note? I'm not saying you're anywhere close to needing a date right now, but at least you have someone interested. Is he not someone you're interested in?

 

that I simply enjoy being in relationships ... I don't want all the attention and to be out partying every night ... I grew out of that person a long time ago.

 

It's fine to not enjoy going out anymore but that doesn't have to directly mean that you need a serious relationship either. It's called being single and figuring yourself out. It sounds to me that you could use some alone time and need to get yourself centered again after being rocked so badly by some of these events you are going through. Finding someone to date is a GREAT bandaid and distraction from our own personal problems, I've done that many times before, but in the end using someone else to ignore other issues in life does not work. I've said in your other threads I don't just think this breakup is the issue, there is a bigger picture here, something already had to be going on inside you for you to totally be destroyed by this breakup of a mediocre relationship were you were doing all the work and the guy was not meeting you halfway.

 

Nothing is working ...

 

You're starting to sound like someone who tries to lose weight and cries that "nothing is working" but they're still eating cake every night. You feel that none of your attempts are working to heal yourself, but you are not addressing the problem, you keep letting the person who is driving you crazy into your life.

 

Last time you were here you were saying you felt strange that 7 weeks wasn't enough to heal. So you send the ex a few more emails and try to show him that some other guy wants to date you, breaking NC. Now you're back here wondering why 8+ weeks hasn't been enough.

 

I heard a simple saying one day, "nothing changes if nothing changes". You were behaving a certain way after the breakup and you were not feeling good or getting better. You're continuing to make some of those same mistakes, and you are not feeling good or getting better.

 

Everyone's situation at this forum is different. Everyone's story has so many details that we can never truly explain to other people. But despite being so different, the common thread is that people who break NC keep getting hurt.

 

You tried to send a big philosophical email to your ex about how some things need to be burned to the ground before they can be rebuilt again. That may be true. Other things in life need to be burnt down, peed on, and walked away from forever. This is the case with things that continue to hurt you. You don't let a friend borrow something if they haven't returned the last 5 things you've given them, and you don't keep talking to an ex who claims that they can't make up their mind.

 

Maybe you gave your ex some of the power back with the way you acted, maybe you didn't. The bottom line is you still have the same power you always did, the power to decide you're sick of feeling this way and that you're finally going to stop. Nobody can ever take that power away from you. It's just a matter of you deciding that you are going to use it.