when you are being played for a fool

[SarahRose]

I am really not sure how to handle this but all I know is I'm sick of it.

 

my husband has been out of work for 9 months now. in that time he has not applied for one job; not a one. he conned me into him taking some 6 month training thing which was part time and he has been done with that for a month.

 

he wouldn't update his resume or anything so finally i did it and sent it out to some job ads.

 

he keeps telling me he can't apply for anything as he doesn't know how and isn't qualified. this is ridiculous. he was employed for 4 years and got laid off so he knows how to look for work.

 

he is doing absolutely nothing but playing video games, surfing the net, watching tv, and figuring out game hacks.

 

last week i asked him several times if he was looking for a job and all he did was open up a job site for about 5 minutes and stare at it and then close it and go back to his game.

 

this week i asked him if he applied for a certain job and he said no as he didn't know how to write a cover letter. he was expecting me to write it for him. i gave him about half a dozen books on job search and resumes and he looked at one briefly and did nothing.

 

he keeps talking about how he wants to work from home and have his own business but i just ignore it as it is so insanely ridiculous when he won't even update a one page resume and look for a simple job.

 

i am at the end of my rope and feel i have put up with this long enough.

i am waiting one more week and not say a word to see if he applies for anything and if he doesn't all heck is going to break loose.

 

Seriously, what should i say to him? i feel like i have been more than supportive and he is just treating me like an idiot.

[whichwayisup]

he keeps talking about how he wants to work from home and have his own business but i just ignore it as it is so insanely ridiculous when he won't even update a one page resume and look for a simple job.

 

Why are you ignoring this? He told you he'd like to start his own business. So, discuss with it with him. Instead of dismissing it, see how serious he truly is by asking him his plan on idea.

 

Is there something else going on with him? Depression? Self confidence issue? Maybe he feels insecure and doesn't believe in himself.

 

You aren't his mom, you're his wife. Encourage him, don't brow beat him as that isn't helping..If anything, the more you push and treat him like a child, scold him etc., the more he will do what he pleases. You know your husband well, so look at him carefully - Which leads me back to him feeling down and depressed.. He is on the computer too much, probably not helping out around the house and isn't lookin for a job. Is he showing any other symptoms of depression?

 

You have every right to be angry at him for doing nothing and sitting around playing video games if it turns out he just doesn't want work and isn't depressed. That's just laziness on his behalf and wanting what he wants like a child. But, if there's something else going on, you need to help and support him as his wife/partner and get him help.

[SarahRose]

Why are you ignoring this? He told you he'd like to start his own business. So, discuss with it with him. Instead of dismissing it, see how serious he truly is by asking him his plan on idea.

 

Is there something else going on with him? Depression? Self confidence issue? Maybe he feels insecure and doesn't believe in himself.

 

You aren't his mom, you're his wife. Encourage him, don't brow beat him as that isn't helping..If anything, the more you push and treat him like a child, scold him etc., the more he will do what he pleases. You know your husband well, so look at him carefully - Which leads me back to him feeling down and depressed.. He is on the computer too much, probably not helping out around the house and isn't lookin for a job. Is he showing any other symptoms of depression?

 

You have every right to be angry at him for doing nothing and sitting around playing video games if it turns out he just doesn't want work and isn't depressed. That's just laziness on his behalf and wanting what he wants like a child. But, if there's something else going on, you need to help and support him as his wife/partner and get him help.

 

why do i ignore it? because i did ask him about his plan and ideas but he had none. he told me to think of something and he'd do it. in other words it is all talk as he would have looked into it.

 

he isn't depressed. he has no problem doing things he wants to do.

 

i have kept my mouth shut for 9 months and said nothing and he did absolutely nothing. some people are just like that will take advantage and lay around and do nothing until they are forced to.

 

i only started asking him about it a couple weeks ago so in no way was i pushing him or browbeating him in any way what so ever.

 

so now what do i do?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't know what you should do … but I feel very bad for you. I was in a situation just like this in my past. Talk about a rock and a hard place. The person who has reverted to being an irresponsible teenager is pretty impossible to deal with. If you try to "make" him do something, he goes all, "you're not the boss of me" and digs his heels in even further.

 

One way or another, you are going to HAVE to get in a situation with your husband where the two of you can have open and constructive communication, and then (when he is really LISTENING to and HEARING you) you will need to tell him how it makes you feel. And then you'll need to extend that to him even though you are furious.

 

Are you working? Are you financially responsible for your lives, all on your own? What was the arrangement when you two married?

 

Are you close to being ready to issue an ultimatum and stand by it?

 

I don't think I could stand to be working and "bringing home the bacon" if my partner was watching TV and gaming … I might be ready for a separation if it kept up.

[mercy]

why do i ignore it? because i did ask him about his plan and ideas but he had none. he told me to think of something and he'd do it. in other words it is all talk as he would have looked into it.

 

he isn't depressed. he has no problem doing things he wants to do.

 

i have kept my mouth shut for 9 months and said nothing and he did absolutely nothing. some people are just like that will take advantage and lay around and do nothing until they are forced to.

 

i only started asking him about it a couple weeks ago so in no way was i pushing him or browbeating him in any way what so ever.

 

so now what do i do?

 

Are you paying all the bills?

 

If you are then turn off the internet connection, use your phone for access. I'd turn his phone off to. He has a 'job', it's to get another job - one that pays.

 

I'm mean. I'd really do these things.

[SarahRose]

I don't know what you should do … but I feel very bad for you. I was in a situation just like this in my past. Talk about a rock and a hard place. The person who has reverted to being an irresponsible teenager is pretty impossible to deal with. If you try to "make" him do something, he goes all, "you're not the boss of me" and digs his heels in even further.

 

One way or another, you are going to HAVE to get in a situation with your husband where the two of you can have open and constructive communication, and then (when he is really LISTENING to and HEARING you) you will need to tell him how it makes you feel. And then you'll need to extend that to him even though you are furious.

 

Are you working? Are you financially responsible for your lives, all on your own? What was the arrangement when you two married?

 

Are you close to being ready to issue an ultimatum and stand by it?

 

I don't think I could stand to be working and "bringing home the bacon" if my partner was watching TV and gaming … I might be ready for a separation if it kept up.

 

i will have to have the conversation with him at some point. i have been avoiding it.

 

yes i am the sole breadwinner. we were both working when we got married and that is the agreement to both work.

 

even if one person did stay home, it wouldn't be fair to just lay around and plays games and do nothing. that is not being a partner at all.

 

there were a couple time where i was unemployed for about 2 months and i looked hard every day applying for jobs and working on improving my skills. i would have felt ashamed to have sat around and done nothing at all while my spouse was working their butt off.

[SarahRose]

Are you paying all the bills?

 

If you are then turn off the internet connection, use your phone for access. I'd turn his phone off to. He has a 'job', it's to get another job - one that pays.

 

I'm mean. I'd really do these things.

 

i work in IT as a consultant and need the internet connection for owrk so i can't shut it off. he doesn't use his phone.

and yes his job is to look for work meaning getting up early and looking.

[KungFuJoe]

Off topic: What type of consulting do you do? I was a VMware/Citrix/ms/NetApp consultant for three years until I got a cushy job working for a very large bank (that was a former client). But I do miss consulting and will probably go back someday.

 

On topic: your husband is acting like an over privileged child. Only problem is, he's not your child...he's your husband. I don't have much advice really. Not sure if punishing him will help. I would say one thing you could do is make him a house husband until he finds a job. He does all the cooking, cleaning, foot massages when you get home, etc...until he finds a job.

[SarahRose]

i am pretty sure i might have gotten him a job.

 

it is so pathetic and im angry about it that it was me who had to do everything. it was like the little kid sitting on the floor and you pick them up and they go limp just to irritate you as they don't want to get up off the floor.

 

he is also playing stupid with me when someone does not do something because they claim you didn't say to do that. like you say can you take the clothes out of the drier and they do but just pile them on top of the drier and you ask why they didn't put them away and they have the gall to say well you didn't tell me to put them away like that is even something that needs to be told step by step. people are just playing minds games and messing with you when they do that.

 

the job i had found had been listed for weeks and i said something about he could have applied for it a long time ago and been working. he said well i wasn't looking for that kind of job.

 

aggghhh you should be looking for all sorts of jobs

[SarahRose]

Off topic: What type of consulting do you do? I was a VMware/Citrix/ms/NetApp consultant for three years until I got a cushy job working for a very large bank (that was a former client). But I do miss consulting and will probably go back someday.

 

On topic: your husband is acting like an over privileged child. Only problem is, he's not your child...he's your husband. I don't have much advice really. Not sure if punishing him will help. I would say one thing you could do is make him a house husband until he finds a job. He does all the cooking, cleaning, foot massages when you get home, etc...until he finds a job.

 

mostly project management consulting

 

yeah that would never happen. he would not keep the house clean or anything like that.

[KungFuJoe]

So let me get this straight. You work and pay all the bills. You also cook and clean as well? Does he do ANYTHING? Do you have kids?

 

All I can is HELL NO. I cannot even fathom the idea that something like this would ever happen in my household. I understand times are tough. But if I was out of work, I would be looking for a job every single day. And until I found one, I would be my wife's personal bitch.

 

Have you really tried sitting his ass down and giving it to him. And I don't mean a snide comment here or a brief discussion where he gets tired and doesn't want to talk about it. I'm taking about a back and forth, heated discussion if necessary, where you don't stop until there is an agreement on both sides on what you expect from each other and what it will take to create "equality" in the household.

[SarahRose]

So let me get this straight. You work and pay all the bills. You also cook and clean as well? Does he do ANYTHING? Do you have kids?

 

All I can is HELL NO. I cannot even fathom the idea that something like this would ever happen in my household. I understand times are tough. But if I was out of work, I would be looking for a job every single day. And until I found one, I would be my wife's personal bitch.

 

Have you really tried sitting his ass down and giving it to him. And I don't mean a snide comment here or a brief discussion where he gets tired and doesn't want to talk about it. I'm taking about a back and forth, heated discussion if necessary, where you don't stop until there is an agreement on both sides on what you expect from each other and what it will take to create "equality" in the household.

 

it was fine for 4 years that he worked as he had a good work ethic and seldom missed work and he was very valued employee. the business took a dive and they laid everyone off. he was the last to go.

 

then he did nothing. absolutely nothing.

 

i am going to make him an appointment to go to the doctor and get counseling.

 

no i haven't had it out with him as when i get in his grill about this, he tells me i am being mean and grumpy and that i have pms.

 

today i told him i didn't think it was nice at all what he was doing and he asked me what, and i said not looking or applying for work and expecting me to do it all. he said he didn't know how to apply to jobs or write a resume. i didn't let it go this time. i said you mean since you have been 18 years old you haven't had to write a resume or cover letter and send one out? he said he did but it never mattered as nobody ever called him for an interview. i said well there a ton of resources online. why don't you look it up and research it?

 

i guess i had him backed in a corner then as usually i would just shut up and let it go and i have not been this forceful towards him before. i am pretty easy going maybe too much.

 

what he did was not eat all day and fall asleep on the sofa and tuned me out all day. he is night time and he still has not eaten anything all day.

 

 

he thinks he is going to play victim and bully me by being passive aggressive, it is not going to work.

[SarahRose]

i might add that i am being contracts right now. i had an injury and am trying to heal up but i have been looking every day for a new gig and have been attending interviews. i am working through some training videos on my own and working on a book i hadn't had time to work on when i was working.

 

i really resent that not only do i have to look for my own job and prepare i have to look for his while he surfs he net, plays games and sleeps.

[Selina1]

I think you have helped him enough, he needs to be shaken up. Same happened with my partner, he was out work for a year and really was being half assed about his job search. Only difference is that we weren't living together, so I couldn't see him wasting his time, glad of that too as it would have made my blood boil. I eventually gave him an ultimatum, I stopped talking to him for a while until he fixed up his act. Women have to constantly adapt and compromise, theres only so much you take as a human. You need to do whats best for you and not let anyone else drag you down. As I can imagine it puts a strain on your relationship. You don't need the stress, shake him up and tell him to fix up!

[SarahRose]

I think you have helped him enough, he needs to be shaken up. Same happened with my partner, he was out work for a year and really was being half assed about his job search. Only difference is that we weren't living together, so I couldn't see him wasting his time, glad of that too as it would have made my blood boil. I eventually gave him an ultimatum, I stopped talking to him for a while until he fixed up his act. Women have to constantly adapt and compromise, theres only so much you take as a human. You need to do whats best for you and not let anyone else drag you down. As I can imagine it puts a strain on your relationship. You don't need the stress, shake him up and tell him to fix up!

 

Did he eventually get a job and how long did it take? are you still with him?

 

That part irks me a lot to see him sitting there doing nothing all day long. I have enough problems as it is without that as it does bring me down.

 

he comes to bed so late, we never go to bed together. i can't and won't stay up until 2am every night like he does then i wake up early around 6 to start my day and he gets up at 10 or later.

 

i cant say a word to him as he will just tune me out and refuse to do anything. i don't know who he is trying to fool when he opens up the job site for 5 minutes and closes it without applying for anything.

 

we are most likely going to lose this house too.

[Selina1]

Yes he did finally after a year. But it wasn't the best of work, since then he has moved from job to job. Im still with him, he finally saw that if he carried on the way he did he would loose me, because I weren't taking no ****! I think you have so much to lose, I mean if you might loose your house? thats a huge thing really, he needs to be shown the consequences of his actions. I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be for you, but you have to put your foot down otherwise, he will just drag you down, and you don't need that. Be strong give him a ultimatum, stop enabling him. you know him best so you know what will work. He just really needs to be shaken up! good luck!

[SarahRose]

I think he may finally be realising im not budging on my stance about it.

 

he told me he has been really happy since he has not been working and he is dreading finding a job because he doesn't want to work.

 

i said well i have been pretty miserable with you not working because it has damaged us financially and we are going to lose everything. i said i am beginning to doubt you are ever going to look for work and i just can't deal with that any more.

 

then he had the nerve to mention to me that i had my phone turned off today avoiding calls. i mean is he kidding? i have my phone off one day and somehow that excuses him not looking at all for nearly a year.

 

he then said he was going to start looking and i said i really hope you do. and i said it in the way that implied i wouldn't be around if he didn't.

[Els]

Ugh, his behaviour repulses me. I'm sorry that you have to go through that. It's one thing if he genuinely has a plan for his own business and is working to get it started and just needs you to help keep him afloat temporarily, or if he were studying something that would actually give him a huge boost in employment prospects. It's also perhaps acceptable if he was at the very least doing most of the housework and actually acting grateful for your financial support.

 

But what he's doing.. really isn't. It isn't just the finances that galls me. It's the fact that he doesn't appear appreciative for your support in the least, doesn't even try to pull his own weight by doing whatever he can, AND he is being passive aggressive and dismissing your concerns when you try to bring this up with him. To be honest, it sounds like he's addicted to gaming. Gaming is fine when it doesn't take over your entire life - his does.

 

Seeing as you have tried the reasonable method (talking to him) repeatedly, it's probably time to put down your foot, which may hopefully make him see the light. You have two options for this:

 

1) Tell him you're not going to support him a week longer. Mean it. Stop cooking for him, doing his laundry, cleaning for him.. and stop sharing your finances with him. Have your pay go to a separate account. Dispense with your router (and I mean genuinely throw it away) and have the internet go directly to YOUR computer. If he wants internet back, he can very well buy a router.. with his own funds. Tell him the payment is due on the bills next week and his computer and TV will be sold to cover that if he cannot.

 

2) The method I'd suggest, which is far more drama-free... is to tell him what you're thinking: That you don't feel you could stay in this R any longer. That you are seriously considering filing for divorce. You live in Australia, which, if I recall correctly, doesn't take the outrageous stand on alimony that the USA does, so he should realize that if a divorce comes up he would lose both you and this lifestyle that he is so used to.

[SarahRose]

Well i finally confronted him strongly and i was surprised how strong i was. i refused to let him blame or turn this around on me and yes he tried. he tried the well you had your phone turned off avoiding calls today translated meant that gives me permission not to look for work for 9 months.

 

next excuse well i was going to school the past months. i said yes, part time and school has been done for more than a month.

 

next excuse, there were times when i was working and you weren't, and i came home and you were on facebook. i was off 2 months one time as i had a nervous breakdown. it was so low, i didn't bother to reply to this at all.

 

then i said i look for work every day and bust my bum and he was dismissive and said well i guess you do, who knows.

but i ignored every attempt and just kept focusing on him not looking for work.

 

i made it very clear there was no excuse not to look for work and it was up to him, entirely up to him what he did but if he continued, i would be gone. i said i would not say one word about it to him ever again and that i mean. if he keeps it up, i will just pack my things and move out.

[Els]

Seems like you handled it fairly well. Good luck, and stay strong.

[SarahRose]

thanks, it was hard to do but i had to.

 

yeah i am laying down now. i am so shaky and panicky. i am not used to even slightly raising my voice to anyone and it hurts my psyche.

[Els]

It's always difficult to be in a situation like that. You did what you had to, though. The situation was completely unsustainable. I wouldn't even let a teen child act that way (zero chores, zero income contribution, AND zero appreciation, all together), much less a grown partner. If he was suffering from debilitating illness or something like that, it would be excusable, but playing games and arguing with you? Eurgh.

[SarahRose]

It's always difficult to be in a situation like that. You did what you had to, though. The situation was completely unsustainable. I wouldn't even let a teen child act that way (zero chores, zero income contribution, AND zero appreciation, all together), much less a grown partner. If he was suffering from debilitating illness or something like that, it would be excusable, but playing games and arguing with you? Eurgh.

 

thanks again. yes he knows what he is doing is unfair and wrong but just thought i would be too timid to stand up for myself to him.

[2sure]

i am pretty sure i might have gotten him a job.

 

it is so pathetic and im angry about it that it was me who had to do everything. it was like the little kid sitting on the floor and you pick them up and they go limp just to irritate you as they don't want to get up off the floor.

 

he is also playing stupid with me when someone does not do something because they claim you didn't say to do that. like you say can you take the clothes out of the drier and they do but just pile them on top of the drier and you ask why they didn't put them away and they have the gall to say well you didn't tell me to put them away like that is even something that needs to be told step by step. people are just playing minds games and messing with you when they do that.

 

the job i had found had been listed for weeks and i said something about he could have applied for it a long time ago and been working. he said well i wasn't looking for that kind of job.

 

/QUOTE]

 

This is 15 year old crap. I know, my daughter is 16. That playing stupid thing is lazy and passive aggressive , childish, and manipulative. My daughter is over it, I told her she had to start living her own life and not expecting me to do it for her.

 

I would seriously tell him that he has one week to come up with a formal business plan and presentation. If he did and it seemed valid, I would support him. When he doesn't...send him back to his mommy.

[SarahRose]

 

This is 15 year old crap. I know, my daughter is 16. That playing stupid thing is lazy and passive aggressive , childish, and manipulative. My daughter is over it, I told her she had to start living her own life and not expecting me to do it for her.

 

I would seriously tell him that he has one week to come up with a formal business plan and presentation. If he did and it seemed valid, I would support him. When he doesn't...send him back to his mommy.

 

I tried that some time ago when he first started on the business nonsense and he did nothing.