Tank2404 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Hi Please help. Two weeks ago I discovered that my wife(married for a year) was romanticly and sexually chatting with a friend of ours that we have met on holiday recently. She has been sending him pictures and even went as far as telling him that she loves him. I was very upset when I found this out and confronted her immediatly. She has admitted to making a mistake and that she loves me and want to stay with me and make our relationship work as do I and that she has no feelings for the other man, the problem is that she still wants to be friends with this guy and she gets upset and tells me I choose her friends for her when I asked her to consider getting rid of him as a friend. I obviously don't want to choose her friends for her and love her very much and want to make things right again, but the longer they stay friends the more she pushes me away and I want to be able to trust her again. Please help what can I do?
reboot Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 She can't stay friends with him and married to you. Yes, it's just that simple.
BetheButterfly Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Hi Please help. Two weeks ago I discovered that my wife(married for a year) was romanticly and sexually chatting with a friend of ours that we have met on holiday recently. She has been sending him pictures and even went as far as telling him that she loves him. I was very upset when I found this out and confronted her immediatly. She has admitted to making a mistake and that she loves me and want to stay with me and make our relationship work as do I and that she has no feelings for the other man, the problem is that she still wants to be friends with this guy and she gets upset and tells me I choose her friends for her when I asked her to consider getting rid of him as a friend. I obviously don't want to choose her friends for her and love her very much and want to make things right again, but the longer they stay friends the more she pushes me away and I want to be able to trust her again. Please help what can I do? I am sorry. This is a very sad situation. First, it's of course not good to choose your wife's friends for her naturally but in this case, her wanting to be this man's friend still shows that she has very strong feelings for him that is more than just simply being his friend. For example, I have friends who are guys, but I don't tell them I love them and I NEVER EVER send them pictures of me, or sexually chat with them, NEVER. What she is doing shows that she is not setting her heart on being faithful to you. You and her need to go to marriage counseling, because she needs to decide if she really loves you and wants to make it work with you, or not. I'm so sorry.
Citizen Erased Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 She wants to keep him as a "friend" because she wants to continue her little affair. Just in a more secretive way so you won't find evidence next time. Doesn't take a genius.
seibert253 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 She can't stay friends with him and married to you. Yes, it's just that simple. ^^^^^ This
Kelemvor Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 She wants to have her cake and eat it too. You have described very large warning signs that need serious consideration. If she is chatting, sending pictures, telling "I love you", then what you are probably looking at is an affair that you have caught her in... If she can have an affair one year into a marriage, she can have multiple affairs 10 years into a marriage. I say this with a bit of irony in that I myself had an affair, but wasn't caught and even though I can admit that "committing" myself to marriage, the other person, and having a reasonably good internal moral compass and reminded of the sting of guilt... it's entirely possible to mend ones ways, but in this case... If she loves you, she should freely and totally cut off that relationship. It's inappropriate and obviously needs to go to in order to assuage your suspicions and hurt. I had a friend in exactly the same situation. They almost got divorced but in the end, she chose to cut off the relationship entirely and that was the decision that helped them heal the damage. If she had been unwilling to do that, they would be divorced today.
Trimmer Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 When you're married, a "friend" also has to be a "friend of the marriage", and has to be someone who hasn't crossed the boundaries of appropriate behavior with a married person. This person can't meet those requirements, so he cannot be her "friend". This isn't a case where you are "picking her friends", it's a case where you're enforcing your boundaries for appropriate behavior within the marriage. The very worrying thing is that she doesn't see the damage that her behavior has caused, and more to the point: apparently she doesn't understand the gravity of the behavior itself. I had a friend in exactly the same situation. They almost got divorced but in the end, she chose to cut off the relationship entirely and that was the decision that helped them heal the damage. If she had been unwilling to do that, they would be divorced today. Indeed, if she had been unwilling to do that (cut off the relationship after it had gone too far) to me that's a result that indicates she doesn't "get it" and as others have pointed out, that's a big red flag. To the OP: Couples need to communicate their boundaries to each other. That's what you are doing by putting your foot down. You should realize that, even if it's not conscious on her part, she is also communicating her boundaries to you. "This is what I think is OK", she is saying. The question is, long term, can you live in a marriage with that boundary?
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