tmercer05 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I'm in a strange situation where I am not sure what to do so I appreciate the advice. My story is definitely going to have people judge me but I would hope this is a safe forum to just talk things out. Back in April, a dad to one of my son's friends friended me on Facebook and we just had a very casual friendship on FB. He liked a lot of the shows my husband and I liked and he started to get a little more flirty with me. I was a little scared and just held off until July when we engaged in I guess Facebook IM sex. There isn’t any other word to maybe describe this. No pictures were swapped or anything. Just very graphic IM’ing to each other. That was about July 12th. While on vacation about 2 weeks later, we started another session like this where I ended up calling him and we had phone sex secluded away at the house we were renting. DH doesn’t know. We have a fine intimacy life. The dad (OG –other guy) sounds like he’s in a rut with his intimacy. He said he’s tired of intimacy with his wife and she feels the same way. So this is purely a friend with benefits (FWB) thing going on right now. We don’t want a committed relationship, this is just purely primal needs to be met. After the phone sex session, OG engaged me to another session to meet face-to-face. I was scared but yet thrilled and exhilarated. We were just going to make out not do anything else. Well it was more groping than anticipated but no sex at all. We IM’ed again about four days later when we started in on the IM sex again, plenty of pictures were exchanged through chat and we had wanted to set up a time to meet again in a ‘safe’ area. We were fully aware this this is just a need being met. Yet, that exchange in the car was too close for comfort. That IM sex went on from about 1:30 until 5:45 a.m. I had open house at my kid’s school. I was so exhausted yet excited to meet him. However he was tied up because he too was at the open house (different time than me) and when he asked if it was safe to come over, I said “Yes but I just feel ugh,” He took that as a “she’s maybe not ready” and he said ‘that’s cool. Maybe we need to just talk things out a bit” I really want this session to happen but he’s dismissive to me on FB and unresponsive. He was the one who was all about me wanting the FWB and he’d be on board. Yet I feel like this is a power struggle. My family is leaving and the house is definitely safe for him to come over and I’ve hinted at this but he’s not bitten. Yes I had a minor flip out but it wasn’t anything too extreme. We have protected e-mails we write each other but I have no way (unlike Facebook) to see if a message is read or not but just considering putting something out there and if he’s not interested at least tell him he should let me know if this is not going to continue. But now I feel like I’ve said my stance, I’m open for more but he’s distant. He was fine with all the IM sex but maybe seems freaked about the real thing? I want to respond to his posts to engage him but I don't want to feel like a flattened popcorn box that keeps getting run over and over.
stillafool Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 FWB is usually a relatationship that involves some sort of sex but no emotional involvement. The fact that you are now on LS discussing him before you actually have physical sex is not good. You sound like you are falling for this guy which will be a disaster. My advice is to find a FWB who is not married and have a chance for a real relationship. I don't think you are cut out to handle a FWB relationship.
woinlove Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 (edited) I'm in a strange situation where I am not sure what to do so I appreciate the advice. My story is definitely going to have people judge me but I would hope this is a safe forum to just talk things out. Back in April, a dad to one of my son's friends friended me on Facebook and we just had a very casual friendship on FB. He liked a lot of the shows my husband and I liked and he started to get a little more flirty with me. I was a little scared and just held off until July when we engaged in I guess Facebook IM sex. There isn’t any other word to maybe describe this. No pictures were swapped or anything. Just very graphic IM’ing to each other. That was about July 12th. While on vacation about 2 weeks later, we started another session like this where I ended up calling him and we had phone sex secluded away at the house we were renting. DH doesn’t know. We have a fine intimacy life. The dad (OG –other guy) sounds like he’s in a rut with his intimacy. He said he’s tired of intimacy with his wife and she feels the same way. So this is purely a friend with benefits (FWB) thing going on right now. We don’t want a committed relationship, this is just purely primal needs to be met. After the phone sex session, OG engaged me to another session to meet face-to-face. I was scared but yet thrilled and exhilarated. We were just going to make out not do anything else. Well it was more groping than anticipated but no sex at all. We IM’ed again about four days later when we started in on the IM sex again, plenty of pictures were exchanged through chat and we had wanted to set up a time to meet again in a ‘safe’ area. We were fully aware this this is just a need being met. Yet, that exchange in the car was too close for comfort. That IM sex went on from about 1:30 until 5:45 a.m. I had open house at my kid’s school. I was so exhausted yet excited to meet him. However he was tied up because he too was at the open house (different time than me) and when he asked if it was safe to come over, I said “Yes but I just feel ugh,” He took that as a “she’s maybe not ready” and he said ‘that’s cool. Maybe we need to just talk things out a bit” I really want this session to happen but he’s dismissive to me on FB and unresponsive. He was the one who was all about me wanting the FWB and he’d be on board. Yet I feel like this is a power struggle. My family is leaving and the house is definitely safe for him to come over and I’ve hinted at this but he’s not bitten. Yes I had a minor flip out but it wasn’t anything too extreme. We have protected e-mails we write each other but I have no way (unlike Facebook) to see if a message is read or not but just considering putting something out there and if he’s not interested at least tell him he should let me know if this is not going to continue. But now I feel like I’ve said my stance, I’m open for more but he’s distant. He was fine with all the IM sex but maybe seems freaked about the real thing? I want to respond to his posts to engage him but I don't want to feel like a flattened popcorn box that keeps getting run over and over. Who knows what MM is thinking? Maybe he had second thoughts and cold feet, maybe he was just in for the chase, maybe he is onto someone else who is simpler, maybe you deflated the fantasy. On the last possibility, your message "yes but I feel ugh" is not what a MM is usually looking for in the early stages of an affair where there is a possibility of a hookup. It kills the fantasy and better to make up an excuse than imply you simply are too tired or don't feel like a hookup with him - that is if a hookup is what you want, and that does seem to be the case. If that is what happened, you spoiled the sexy fantasy, it is difficult to go back because explaining it would also not be sexy. All you can do is either let it go or put yourself out there with more sexy, light talk and see if he picks up (assuming this is really what you want - see my comment below). I'm just curious as to why no actual "sex"? Does it make it more arousing to you to just "fool around"? Or do you have qualms about sex because you are both married, but fooling around is fine? Anyway, that is up to you. I wouldn't want your lifestyle, because I don't like deception, and I do wonder if you are actually happy with it. If not, you should think of ways of getting the excitement and fantasy, or as you say, primal needs met, without the deception. Edited August 6, 2012 by woinlove
scatterd Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 If this continues you will end up in a full blown affair. Its best to let him move on. You said he is married maybe he is afraid of getting caught.
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 What is missing inside of you that you feel the need to risk your marriage and ruin it all for some selfish fun on the side? How would you feel if your husband befriended another woman and was doing what you were doing? Think of your son. Don't know how many children you have but is flirting and sexting, possibly starting an affair (it is NOT FWB - single folks do that, when married folks do that, it's called an affair!) is going to ruin your lives. All that you know, all that your kid(s) know and love will be gone. A family unit broken up, for what? Fun on the side? Why waste this energy on a MM when you have a husband at home, in bed with you every single night? Put that energy into your husband and marriage.
Author tmercer05 Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 I am way over 18. He is married as well. My next approach (if i do not bail) is to just put it out there again. But if he is not into it, i at least should see some message that he isnt? Right? I do not need a full termination letter...obviously. As for the sex, maybe we are both bailing or delaying it for now. I do fear that there is attachment going on so i am refocusing but wanted to just get advice. And i really do appreciate all the advice.
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I am way over 18. He is married as well. My next approach (if i do not bail) is to just put it out there again. But if he is not into it, i at least should see some message that he isnt? Right? I do not need a full termination letter...obviously. As for the sex, maybe we are both bailing or delaying it for now. I do fear that there is attachment going on so i am refocusing but wanted to just get advice. And i really do appreciate all the advice. What about your husband? Why do you feel the need to cheat on your husband and risk your marriage?
jwi71 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I am way over 18. He is married as well. My next approach (if i do not bail) is to just put it out there again. But if he is not into it, i at least should see some message that he isnt? Right? I do not need a full termination letter...obviously. As for the sex, maybe we are both bailing or delaying it for now. I do fear that there is attachment going on so i am refocusing but wanted to just get advice. And i really do appreciate all the advice. This is easy. I cannot guess, nor can anyone, WHY he is behaving this way. So ask him. "I want to have real physical in the flesh intercourse with you. Do you want that too?" Word of caution though....A's are inheritantly unhealthy and rarely "end well". Read through the stories here and elsewhere to see how painfully destructive they can be. It's logarithmically worse if you get caught.
Owl Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Rather than focusing your energy on trying to figure out why is he doing this...you need to focus on why YOU are doing this????? What makes this ok in your marriage?
Emme Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 We IM’ed again about four days later when we started in on the IM sex again, plenty of pictures were exchanged through chat and we had wanted to set up a time to meet again in a ‘safe’ area. I don't care if your face is in the images or not. Stop doing it. No exchange of images. You are meat. He is not hungry. When he's hungry he'll find you. That's the dynamic of this relationship. The night the house is free. Call your girlfriends and go out with them. Try maybe a strip club. Find a release that won't leave you embarrassed in the community if those images get out.
suki1 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Honey this is only going to end in hurt. I get it that he's attractive and for a while gave you some of the attention you are missing at home and that this makes you feel like you're 15 again which in the moment feels amazing. But the thing is it can only end one of two ways. He ignores you from now on and you feel awful and rejected and are left in a place where someone else could easily manipulate you or he comes back just when you're at the height of despair over it and then he has it all nice and set up to manipulate you further with the push-pull type scenario others have mentioned. Either way you hurt and apart from a bit of sexual gratification you don't win. And that's before we think about your family and the possible consequences there. Ultimately you will make the decision that is best for you. Just remember he isn't your only option. If the issue is bluntly sex then there are many ways you can make that better at home, just by talking to your husband and suggesting something new to do. If it's more the emotional side, once again talking and going out for a day to do something fun will reconnect you. Also, you have the option to end your relationship and go play the field as a single woman. Your OG is not the only option.
frozensprouts Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 is it possible that you just like the thrill of online sex? ( don't how to put that properly, but I hope you know what I mean)...if so, is it possible to have that same thrill with your husband? The two of you could try it with each other...that way you'd get the "thrill" without cheating ( and you are cheating, make no mistake)
freestyle Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 So---just what has your H done that is so awful--- That you would show him the ultimate disrespect-- by fooling around with someone else, in HIS OWN HOME? Do you realize, that if you get caught,that could be the dealbreaker? You're also putting your son at risk for extreme humiliation, and possibly losing a friendship with the son of OG. Your son may also never look at you the same way again, and he could end up being set up to never be able to trust a woman again. Is that less important than you getting your ya-yas?
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