mickleb Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I've always been a confident guy with a lot of self-esteem. However, it feels like how all of this has happened has really took a chip out of that. I think maybe that is why I'm being this way. Well, that's really good news. It means you'll probably be able to cope a lot better than you think, when you do choose to move on. I guess also I'm also just looking at the really good times we've had and seeing her for that when I do think of breaking up with her. I'm having a hard time believing the person I fell in love with is actually like this. It is hard, isn't it? It means having to accept that we made a mistake. (This can be very difficult!) Accepting that our ability to judge others may be seriously flawed! But it also means accepting that we give too much, and that this is not helpful to ourselves - or to those we are giving to. Why do you feel the need to give too much of yourself to someone else? Is your idea of love just too idealised and romantic? There is an idea that true love means putting someone else's happiness before one's own. This idea, while sweet, is bullsh*t(!) It is only when we can provide our own happiness, that we can offer the excess to others. Then we can give it freely, with no expectations or disappointment. Time to be completely honest with yourself, fray.
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Well, that's really good news. It means you'll probably be able to cope a lot better than you think, when you do choose to move on. It is hard, isn't it? It means having to accept that we made a mistake. (This can be very difficult!) Accepting that our ability to judge others may be seriously flawed! But it also means accepting that we give too much, and that this is not helpful to ourselves - or to those we are giving to. Why do you feel the need to give too much of yourself to someone else? Is your idea of love just too idealised and romantic? There is an idea that true love means putting someone else's happiness before one's own. This idea, while sweet, is bullsh*t(!) It is only when we can provide our own happiness, that we can offer the excess to others. Then we can give it freely, with no expectations or disappointment. Time to be completely honest with yourself, fray. It really helps when you lay it out that way. I'm pretty stubborn to begin with especially when I really want something. It must just be that I'm having a hard time realizing I was completely wrong about her. I can say that, but it really helps hearing it from you and others. It's so funny how things work out when at times you think about starting a family with the person and then it comes to where I'm at now.
InJest Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 It's time to either break up with her, or start actively pursuing other women. Once you've got a couple new girls in your life, it will be much easier to cut the cord with this terrible girl you're with now. Personally, I think you should all out cheat on her after the way she's treated you, and end your relationship with a text message. Stop being such a wuss, and rip this broad's heart out.
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 It's time to either break up with her, or start actively pursuing other women. Once you've got a couple new girls in your life, it will be much easier to cut the cord with this terrible girl you're with now. Personally, I think you should all out cheat on her after the way she's treated you, and end your relationship with a text message. Stop being such a wuss, and rip this broad's heart out. Ya know, as bad as that sounds, she prob kinda deserves something like that. Maybe it'd help if I just chat and flirt with a couple other girls. I feel a little bad for saying that, but how wrong would it be with all she has put me through?
InJest Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 It's not wrong at all. She's starting to move on, and you should too. It obviously starts with chatting, but you really need to make plans and go out with others, so that your time really is occupied and you're not just moping around thinking about this dumb bitch. You'll start to actually care less about the relationship and she will notice that, and most likely she will bring it up. If she doesn't, then seriously pursue other women and actually get physical with them, just so you don't fall into the trap of thinking you can't get another girl. It will give you a much clearer perspective on your situation.
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 It's not wrong at all. She's starting to move on, and you should too. It obviously starts with chatting, but you really need to make plans and go out with others, so that your time really is occupied and you're not just moping around thinking about this dumb bitch. You'll start to actually care less about the relationship and she will notice that, and most likely she will bring it up. If she doesn't, then seriously pursue other women and actually get physical with them, just so you don't fall into the trap of thinking you can't get another girl. It will give you a much clearer perspective on your situation. That's what I thinking that if I start talking to other women and they actually want to have a conversation, it'll prob help me start to realize how deep of crap I'm in. I have a feeling when I start doing this she'll start being really nice again.
InJest Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 It doesn't matter if she becomes really nice again. You know it isn't real. Don't stop seeing other girls until she demands/begs. Trust me, if you do this, you will hold all the cards. Once she sees that you're okay with not being with her, she will freak out. Attention whores like your girlfriend always do.
truth_seeker Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Do what girl's normally do: keep her around until you find someone else, then jump ship.
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 It doesn't matter if she becomes really nice again. You know it isn't real. Don't stop seeing other girls until she demands/begs. Trust me, if you do this, you will hold all the cards. Once she sees that you're okay with not being with her, she will freak out. Attention whores like your girlfriend always do. You know what man, she pretty much broke up with me a few months into the first go. She kept texting me after and I would text back. Eventually I couldn't do it anymore and told her I wouldn't be contacting her for a while so I could move on. About 2 weeks after I told her that she came back pretty much begging to be back with me. It sounds bad but I want to hold all the cards so she can learn something of what she's done. So InJest, I'll start chatting with other girls but should I still text her like I do and just let my attention drift as I hang out with other girls?
InJest Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 (edited) Don't initiate texts with her. If she texts first, just be short and after two or three texts tell her you have to go meet someone, or go do something. Don't make it about teaching her a lesson. Make it about actually moving on from her. Even when shes nice, she's just not a sincere person. Use her up and drop her once you find someone better. I'd be willing to bet she will even forgive you if she finds out you've been seeing other girls too. This type of girl can't stand losing, especially to another girl. Start going after other girls, today. Edited August 7, 2012 by InJest
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Don't initiate texts with her. If she texts first, just be short and after two or three texts tell her you have to go meet someone, or go do something. Don't make it about teaching her a lesson. Make it about actually moving on from her. Even when shes nice, she's just not a sincere person. Use her up and drop her once you find someone better. I'd be willing to bet she will even forgive you if she finds out you've been seeing other girls too. This type of girl can't stand losing, especially to another girl. Start going after other girls, today. Ok thanks for the advice. It's weird how she texts... like she tells me what is going on with her day all the time and what her and the other work people are talking about but never asks me much of what's going on with mine. It's always me replying something like "ohh ok that's cool". Ya know what I mean? Is this just her liking the attention?
Million.to.1 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Sorry, but injest must be joking because this advice is terrible. For starters, planning in advance to cheat is extremely immature, and won't solve anything. Secondly, involving an innocent 3rd party in this personal drama is really unfair and cruel. OP, you need to man up and end this relationship without resorting to stupid game playing or facebook hacking or any of this crap. Be the bigger person. truth is, that the ending of a relationship is hard. you are going to feel at a lose end for a while, but that's no reason to stay in a relationship that isn't serving your happiness anymore. Looking for a way out by cheating or creating drama on FB is just lame. Just tell her the truth. The truth is that she is checking out of the relationship, and only putting in effort when it serves her. That's not love. LDR are hard. Put it down to that if you want. If you are unsure if you are making the right decision, then ending the relationship respectfully will leave the door open for possible reconciliation down the road. If you do end this relationship... i would highly recommend going NC and telling her this is will be your method for moving on and healing. Not because you hate her. Block her on FB, as FB is the evilest thing in the world when fresh out of a break-up. In the long run, it makes it sooooo much easier.
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Sorry, but injest must be joking because this advice is terrible. For starters, planning in advance to cheat is extremely immature, and won't solve anything. Secondly, involving an innocent 3rd party in this personal drama is really unfair and cruel. OP, you need to man up and end this relationship without resorting to stupid game playing or facebook hacking or any of this crap. Be the bigger person. truth is, that the ending of a relationship is hard. you are going to feel at a lose end for a while, but that's no reason to stay in a relationship that isn't serving your happiness anymore. Looking for a way out by cheating or creating drama on FB is just lame. Just tell her the truth. The truth is that she is checking out of the relationship, and only putting in effort when it serves her. That's not love. LDR are hard. Put it down to that if you want. If you are unsure if you are making the right decision, then ending the relationship respectfully will leave the door open for possible reconciliation down the road. If you do end this relationship... i would highly recommend going NC and telling her this is will be your method for moving on and healing. Not because you hate her. Block her on FB, as FB is the evilest thing in the world when fresh out of a break-up. In the long run, it makes it sooooo much easier. I don't think I could cheat if it came down to it anyways and you're right. It's just weird when you say she's checking out of the relationship bc she told me she's just in one of her phases and everything will go back to normal and that she doesn't want to break up. Is she just playing games with me or is she serious? If I could tell this for sure I'd end it right now.
InJest Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Millionto1, My advice may not be warm or idealistic, but it is practical and almost guaranteed to work, and help the OP to get what he wants. Fray5, Yes, her texting you every detail of her day is attention whoring, and if that's most of what you're getting then you shouldn't respond to those. Don't respond to anything that doesn't prompt a response. If she just sends you a random statement like that, ignore it. If she asks you a question, answer it. One thing for certain is that she is playing games. Once she finds a new guy, you are history, and hopefully you'll come post about it, so I can savor the, "I told you so."
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Millionto1, My advice may not be warm or idealistic, but it is practical and almost guaranteed to work, and help the OP to get what he wants. Fray5, Yes, her texting you every detail of her day is attention whoring, and if that's most of what you're getting then you shouldn't respond to those. Don't respond to anything that doesn't prompt a response. If she just sends you a random statement like that, ignore it. If she asks you a question, answer it. One thing for certain is that she is playing games. Once she finds a new guy, you are history, and hopefully you'll come post about it, so I can savor the, "I told you so." InJest, what would you do if you were me? Just end it now or follow your plan? Unfortunately, I can possibly see something like what you said happening with how things are going
Million.to.1 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 All your advice proves is that you are passing judgment on a girl you have never met, based only on this slither of info the OP has posted from his perspective. Maybe you have had some really horrible heartless bitches in your life, but it is not the OP's job to seek revenge for the gender as a whole because of your experience. maybe you are right... maybe she will get all jealous and give the OP what he wants.. power, to hold all the cards... ... but I'm an old fashioned romantic. Playing cards is a GAME. OP... please really think through this advice. What if you found out that she was doing this to get a rise out of you?? At the end of the day, you have to live with how you treat other people. You are not being fair on yourself, your girlfriend or other girls you talk to while your agenda is to hurt the feeling of someone so they will behave how you want them to behave. My guess is that Injest is under 25... because these are the games of high school and college kids. The better you are to her, the more honest you are and the more mature and caring you are when you end it... the bigger her loss will be. If you start flirting with girls and being a cock... it will be easy for her to move on. I have always found it easy to move on from players because they are cocks. The nice guys still have space in my heart. period.
InJest Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 If she had treated me like she's treated you, I'd follow through with what I suggested that you do. Is it the honorable, high road thing to do? No. That kind of thing doesn't bother me though. Someone uses me, I've got no problem using them. At that point you're both using each other and you're both benefiting, so it's really not so bad. In my experience, it's always easier to get a girl you want if you're already sleeping with someone else, so I think you should start looking for the next girl, whether she's a fling or g/f, while you're with the current one. That's what has worked for me, and while I've never cheated on a girlfriend, there are plenty of times where girls thought I were exclusive with them and starting showing signs of attention whoring. Most were hurt to find out I was sleeping with someone else too, and all still kept seeing me.
InJest Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Millionto1, I'm 27, and I actually haven't encountered many heartless bitches. I've encountered several women who are attention whores and users, and I treat them the way I am treated. If they have some redeeming quality that is worth the interaction with them, then I'll keep things up until I decide they have nothing to offer, worth my time. I have an awesome girlfriend, and we are very open and honest with each other with no need or time for games.
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 If she had treated me like she's treated you, I'd follow through with what I suggested that you do. Is it the honorable, high road thing to do? No. That kind of thing doesn't bother me though. Someone uses me, I've got no problem using them. At that point you're both using each other and you're both benefiting, so it's really not so bad. In my experience, it's always easier to get a girl you want if you're already sleeping with someone else, so I think you should start looking for the next girl, whether she's a fling or g/f, while you're with the current one. That's what has worked for me, and while I've never cheated on a girlfriend, there are plenty of times where girls thought I were exclusive with them and starting showing signs of attention whoring. Most were hurt to find out I was sleeping with someone else too, and all still kept seeing me. InJest, this whole day she has been texting me more and even tried calling me a little bit ago leaving a voicemail where she sounded extremely nice telling me she hopes I have a great evening and she'll call again later. It bothers me bc I can't tell if she's just crazy and isn't stringing me along or if she's actually stringing me along?
InJest Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 It doesn't matter how many times she calls you. If she keeps up this amount of contact over the next couple months then you may be okay, but I highly doubt it will. My advice isn't going to change. It's not conventional but it's practical and it works. At this point though, you seem pretty hopeless and she's got you wrapped around her finger.
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 It doesn't matter how many times she calls you. If she keeps up this amount of contact over the next couple months then you may be okay, but I highly doubt it will. My advice isn't going to change. It's not conventional but it's practical and it works. At this point though, you seem pretty hopeless and she's got you wrapped around her finger. I'm taking your advice.
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 It will end in tears then. I didn't mean I'm going to cheat on her. I'm gonna just break it off. I can't deal with this crap anymore. I'm going to wait for a good time to talk with her tho bc she has some stuff going on which will make it difficult to talk with her. She's moody and in one those right now. I want to do it as calmly as possible
mickleb Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Just wanted to make it clear to the OP, and anyone else reading, that I completely disagree with InJest, too. Looks the fray has decided not to play his GF, which is good news. Calmly talking her through this is the best way to go, fray. Just be completely sure of how you feel and what you NEED to say to her, before hand, then ensure you don't back down on that. We'll be here.
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