fray5 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I posted about this about a couple weeks ago and things seem to have not gotten any better. My gf has been distant the last 2 wks. We're both 26 and in an LDR and she said she needed some room. I asked her to talk on the phone several times yesterday and she said she was too tired. I told her I was finished trying and then my phone battery died and several hrs later when I got it charged up I had several texts and a voicemail from her jumping all over me. I stood my ground and told her on the phone she has hurt me with the distance she put between us. She always tries to turn it around on me, and I honestly she walks all over me sometimes. I was supposed to go to a party with her this past wkend and she pushed me away from that too. She then texted me and told me what a great time she had and a lot of people there (other guys) were sooo interesting and that talked about a lot of things they had in common. So then I get on FB and she's becoming friends with these dudes and also her relationship status is now hidden. I asked her about the status and she said there's no way she could've changed it from her phone and doesn't have internet access where she's at to do it either. I think you can change it from your phone from what I've read online. I feel like I'm being mentally screwed right now and I've tried my best to be good to her. Now she has lightened up and is being nicer again but I think it's bc she knows she's about to lose me. What's up with her and should I just go ahead and break it off? And how? I feel I have no choice but still don't really want to bc I love her a lot.
Emilia Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I can only tell you what I would do and I would end it with her. You love her a lot but she is putting you through so much, I don't think it's very healthy to be frank.
Author fray5 Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 I can only tell you what I would do and I would end it with her. You love her a lot but she is putting you through so much, I don't think it's very healthy to be frank. Is it normal for this to feel so hard to break up with her? I'm not sure whether to drive down to see her in person or over the phone. I'm feeling pretty bad about everything.
Emilia Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Is it normal for this to feel so hard to break up with her? I'm not sure whether to drive down to see her in person or over the phone. I'm feeling pretty bad about everything. Yes of course, you are a good person. A friend of mine said once though that just because it's hard it doesn't mean it's wrong You should see her
Author fray5 Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 Yes of course, you are a good person. A friend of mine said once though that just because it's hard it doesn't mean it's wrong You should see her It helps to hear that. I just wish this stuff was easier. I've tried so hard with her and it's like I'm losing all that.
Emilia Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 It helps to hear that. I just wish this stuff was easier. I've tried so hard with her and it's like I'm losing all that. It has to be your decision and it has to be the final one, no backtracking, no getting weak. If you decide to stay however, you have to think about what you think is likely to change. 2
Author fray5 Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 It has to be your decision and it has to be the final one, no backtracking, no getting weak. If you decide to stay however, you have to think about what you think is likely to change. Yeah, I almost feel as if there has been so much damage done. It's like she does this, notices I'm slipping away, and then tries to reel me back in. I have all sorts of weird feelings and I'm just afraid of not thinking logically and making a quick decision that may be wrong.
mickleb Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I think you should take some time to ensure you feel sure about doing it. From what you've said, her behaviour is unreasonable, and she's toying with your feelings. I would be feeling the same way as you but I would also want to be 100% sure about my decision. Do not break up with her, then flake down the line. Step back, truly embrace the idea of life without her, then either tell her what behaviour needs to stop or end it. Good luck, and keep us posted.
Author fray5 Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 I think you should take some time to ensure you feel sure about doing it. From what you've said, her behaviour is unreasonable, and she's toying with your feelings. I would be feeling the same way as you but I would also want to be 100% sure about my decision. Do not break up with her, then flake down the line. Step back, truly embrace the idea of life without her, then either tell her what behaviour needs to stop or end it. Good luck, and keep us posted. That sounds like a good idea, but it's just so hard to get focus to try to imagine life without her. I feel anxious all the time right now and like I want to talk to her all time. I'm trying to keep cool but it's hard man.
mickleb Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 That sounds like a good idea, but it's just so hard to get focus to try to imagine life without her. I feel anxious all the time right now and like I want to talk to her all time. I'm trying to keep cool but it's hard man. Well, write down what you want to say to her. If you decide to give it a shot, share what you have written with her. I know it's not easy not speaking to her, but writing down your thoughts will help you to process them. Try to figure out why you find her behaviour so hurtful. (I'm not saying you shouldn't find it hurtful but the reasons why particular things she does really hurt you, probably have some roots in your childhood, or previous relationships.) Once you figure out what you find hurtful, and why, you'll be able to assess better if she's capable of actually making you happy. If you do choose to break up with her, that difficulty you're having imagining life without her, will be your everyday reality. So you'd better make sure you choose wisely.
Author fray5 Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 Relationships can have rough patches but they're not meant to mentally screw you over. I know how you feel, pal. My ex mentally tortured me with her actions but I was so in love with her and couldn't leave her. I tried to but always failed. Now it's over I feel so relieved, I had my foot out the door and I made her push me because I just couldn't do it myself. If you've given it lots of time and chances and it still tortures you then I'd say it's probably time to let it go. Good luck, I hope things work out for you. Man how did you finally get out of it? I've told my sister about all of what has been going on and she told me to get out. She said I don't deserve to be treated that way. I'm so close to doing it, but I'm just nervous about what'll happen if I do.
Author fray5 Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 In the end I just started contacting her less and less, I'd really had enough of it by this point. I wanted to get to the point where she was still in my life but not so prevalent in it. We were actually broken up officially by this point, and had been for some months, but it didn't feel like it as there was still quite a lot of emotion, at least on my part. She got the hint, contacted me and said she got the idea I didn't wanna see her anymore. I told her I just didn't wanna see her every week. We ended up having a huge argument, I lost my cool but this woman had really put me through the ringer emotionally and didn't give a **** about it. We ended up pretty much telling each other to **** off and that was that, 5 weeks on and I've heard nothing. I kinda wished it had ended nicely but I don't think it was ever going to go that way, far too much hurt there and far too much water under the bridge. Your situation is different but I think in your case you want to leave. You just gotta do it, say to yourself that enough is enough and I'll no longer be treated like this. You can still like the person, even love her but it doesn't mean you have to be with her or around her. My ex treated me like **** but I don't hate her, I feel sorry for her actually and I feel for her next boyfriend but it's no longer my problem but I do wish her well. It's literally like ripping off a band aid. Do it, get it done then go no contact. I spent 18 months of my life in a lot of emotional pain because I felt the same way you did, how will I live without her? What will life be like now? etc. Life aint great for me at the moment but I'm at least no longer suffering mentally anymore. It really comes down to whether or not you wanna stick with this emotional turmoil or leave it behind and step out into the unknown. I won't lie, it will hurt and it won't be easy but it's really a case of short term pain for long term gain. Man, thanks so much for your post. The way she's acting is making so insecure and mentally unstable, I'm almost tempted to log on to her facebook to see if she's messing around. I know that's an awful thing to do, but at this point it's heavy on my mind. I feel like if I found something, even the slightest thing, it'd help me break this off and move on easier. It sounds like I'm right where you were, Fats. It's like she hasn't cared about my feelings at all these last couple weeks. I reason I mention the facebook thing is bc she's gotta be lying to me. I know this. And for some weird (bc it's stupid facebook) reason this makes me want to end it right now. Would it be very wrong of me to look at her messages or should I just keep some dignity about myself and break it off without doing so?
Leopard Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 All I can say is that if you are already thinking about it, then you are past the point of no return. Once you start considering a break up, then it's clearly what you need to do.
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 My ex told me she was raped but in reality was actually willingly ****ing around with another guy, him and numerous others and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I'd much rather have your situation than the one I had! Why log into her facebook? It won't make a difference. If she's pushing you away from parties and what not then I don't see why you're bothering. I just don't think it's worth the mental torment, no one is. Yeah your situation sound much worse than mine. I'm glad for you you were able to get out of that! Hope you are doing better now. Your right about Facebook and I'm not doing that. My emotions were running high when I wrote that. I talked to her last night and was close to breaking up with her, but she started to change the way she was talking. I think she sensed what I was about to do and is starting to try to reel me back in. She's acting more normal now too on texting. Her relationship status on Facebook is showing again too. Weird. She's gotta be crazy
mickleb Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 You need to make it clear to her what behaviour you will not put up with. Make sure your fear is not dictating your behaviour. 1
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 You need to make it clear to her what behaviour you will not put up with. Make sure your fear is not dictating your behaviour. By fear, you mean my fear of breaking up with her? Bc I was about to say and stick to it but something was holding me back.
darkmoon Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 "She always tries to turn it around on me" please spell out what the "it" is. was the LDR your idea or hers?
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 "She always tries to turn it around on me" please spell out what the "it" is. was the LDR your idea or hers? Like if she's done something that is obviosly wrong, she'll try to turn it around and point the finger at me. For example, she got this citation for parking in the wrong place one night. I drove up to visit her that wkend and we were watching a game that was on at a sports bar. She has a pretty hefty fine, and told me that it's my fault for her getting the ticket that night, and it would've never happened if I'd been there. This was after I already told her I'd help her pay 200 bucks of the 400 dollar fine.
darkmoon Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Like if she's done something that is obviosly wrong, she'll try to turn it around and point the finger at me. For example, she got this citation for parking in the wrong place one night. I drove up to visit her that wkend and we were watching a game that was on at a sports bar. She has a pretty hefty fine, and told me that it's my fault for her getting the ticket that night, and it would've never happened if I'd been there. This was after I already told her I'd help her pay 200 bucks of the 400 dollar fine. then you're dealing with a spoilt brat - i say tell her goodbye by next weekend be free 4 better girl/s
TG1 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I posted about this about a couple weeks ago and things seem to have not gotten any better. My gf has been distant the last 2 wks. We're both 26 and in an LDR and she said she needed some room. I asked her to talk on the phone several times yesterday and she said she was too tired. I told her I was finished trying and then my phone battery died and several hrs later when I got it charged up I had several texts and a voicemail from her jumping all over me. I stood my ground and told her on the phone she has hurt me with the distance she put between us. She always tries to turn it around on me, and I honestly she walks all over me sometimes. I was supposed to go to a party with her this past wkend and she pushed me away from that too. She then texted me and told me what a great time she had and a lot of people there (other guys) were sooo interesting and that talked about a lot of things they had in common. So then I get on FB and she's becoming friends with these dudes and also her relationship status is now hidden. I asked her about the status and she said there's no way she could've changed it from her phone and doesn't have internet access where she's at to do it either. I think you can change it from your phone from what I've read online. I feel like I'm being mentally screwed right now and I've tried my best to be good to her. Now she has lightened up and is being nicer again but I think it's bc she knows she's about to lose me. What's up with her and should I just go ahead and break it off? And how? I feel I have no choice but still don't really want to bc I love her a lot. Break up with her man because it is apparent or it is at least clear to me that it will only be a matter of time before she cheats on you, so break up with her before she has the chance to do it
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Break up with her man because it is apparent or it is at least clear to me that it will only be a matter of time before she cheats on you, so break up with her before she has the chance to do it Man I really hate to admit it, but I'm really scared about that happening too. A guy she works with who she told me hooks up with all these girls has started posting on her facebook wall
mickleb Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 By fear, you mean my fear of breaking up with her? Bc I was about to say and stick to it but something was holding me back. Yes, but I was also thinking of what might be stopping you from putting your boundaries in place. What was holding you back from leaving her? Like if she's done something that is obviosly wrong, she'll try to turn it around and point the finger at me. For example, she got this citation for parking in the wrong place one night. I drove up to visit her that wkend and we were watching a game that was on at a sports bar. She has a pretty hefty fine, and told me that it's my fault for her getting the ticket that night, and it would've never happened if I'd been there. This was after I already told her I'd help her pay 200 bucks of the 400 dollar fine. I was thinking all of that before I read this. This is just plain, abusive behaviour. I find it disgusting. Please get out of this unhealthy relationship. Then spend some time figuring why you've put up with such horrible treatment for so long.
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Yes, but I was also thinking of what might be stopping you from putting your boundaries in place. What was holding you back from leaving her? I was thinking all of that before I read this. This is just plain, abusive behaviour. I find it disgusting. Please get out of this unhealthy relationship. Then spend some time figuring why you've put up with such horrible treatment for so long. Man, I don't know what it was that held me back. I think maybe i'm scared of losing all the fun things we do together and worried about finding that with someone else? I dunno, it's really confusing to me. Or maybe it's that I still care about her a lot.
mickleb Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Man, I don't know what it was that held me back. I think maybe i'm scared of losing all the fun things we do together and worried about finding that with someone else? I dunno, it's really confusing to me. Or maybe it's that I still care about her a lot. It's because you have really low self-esteem, I'm afraid, my sweetie. Many people stay in abusive relationships because they hold onto the good times. Many abusive relationships begin with an abundance of good times. The good times have gone, though, and been replaced with a whole host of bad. You do not need to keep having such a horrible relationship (with ANYBODY!) You can spend your time doing better things. Things that you know will make you happy. You need to take some control of your life back. You are responsible for your happiness and you are denying yourself it, at the moment. Do some reading, or ideally therapy, to figure out why you've been so afraid to say 'that is not okay'. Invest your time in activities you enjoy. Get a life sounds rude - but really, you owe it to yourself, don't you, honey?
Author fray5 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 It's because you have really low self-esteem, I'm afraid, my sweetie. Many people stay in abusive relationships because they hold onto the good times. Many abusive relationships begin with an abundance of good times. The good times have gone, though, and been replaced with a whole host of bad. You do not need to keep having such a horrible relationship (with ANYBODY!) You can spend your time doing better things. Things that you know will make you happy. You need to take some control of your life back. You are responsible for your happiness and you are denying yourself it, at the moment. Do some reading, or ideally therapy, to figure out why you've been so afraid to say 'that is not okay'. Invest your time in activities you enjoy. Get a life sounds rude - but really, you owe it to yourself, don't you, honey? You don't sound rude at all, mickleb. I've always been a confident guy with a lot of self-esteem. However, it feels like how all of this has happened has really took a chip out of that. I think maybe that is why I'm being this way. I guess also I'm also just looking at the really good times we've had and seeing her for that when I do think of breaking up with her. I'm having a hard time believing the person I fell in love with is actually like this.
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