fucpcg Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I love how people who have no idea what they are talking about, talk like they know what they are talking about. Unless you are 40 and single, you don't know what leads to 40 and always single. All have commitment issues? My a$$. I am youngest of 7 children, 2 of us never married, me and a sister. She is one of the most prominent lawyers in all of Cali. She's an amazing athlete, her IQ is in orbit, she is quite intimidating to many men. Plus, she works a ton, and works around lawyers all day obviously, and she won't date lawyers. She is 50 and single. I am 42 and single. I spent my 20's growing my business and living out of a suitcase. Dated a girl from 29-35, we weren't meant for marriage, but she is a wonderful woman that I am still friends with. I dated a girl 36-38, she was a commitment phobe, and we could never work past it, so I left her. Dated a girl I wanted to marry from 40-41, but after one big fight she bolted like lightning. She spent 16 years married, met me 5 years after divorce, told me she was ready to have relationship again, she wasn't. I can commit. I find many divorced 30-40ish women cannot. They did the marriage thing already, most too early in life it seems, now they want to go live the singles life again. 3
sleepy one Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I love how people who have no idea what they are talking about, talk like they know what they are talking about. Unless you are 40 and single, you don't know what leads to 40 and always single. All have commitment issues? My a$$. I am youngest of 7 children, 2 of us never married, me and a sister. She is one of the most prominent lawyers in all of Cali. She's an amazing athlete, her IQ is in orbit, she is quite intimidating to many men. Plus, she works a ton, and works around lawyers all day obviously, and she won't date lawyers. She is 50 and single. I am 42 and single. I spent my 20's growing my business and living out of a suitcase. Dated a girl from 29-35, we weren't meant for marriage, but she is a wonderful woman that I am still friends with. I dated a girl 36-38, she was a commitment phobe, and we could never work past it, so I left her. Dated a girl I wanted to marry from 40-41, but after one big fight she bolted like lightning. She spent 16 years married, met me 5 years after divorce, told me she was ready to have relationship again, she wasn't. I can commit. I find many divorced 30-40ish women cannot. They did the marriage thing already, most too early in life it seems, now they want to go live the singles life again. Worst are people who put over 40 never marrieds into a group and say their all about the same. they are not as you've seen and i've seen. i'm married so i don't quite have the same view of the situation as you have. 1
jobaba Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 From my experience, people around that age are still single because they just don't care about dating that much or put other things on a higher priority. They have significant career goals, artistic pursuits to keep them occupied, and a social circle. Also, in the NYC area, not getting married and not having kids is a completely normal thing. So, there's no peer pressure. In contrast, just about everyone from high school who graduated at the bottom of the class, and were the social outcasts are/were married and have children. A number of my married friends also don't want children. I don't want them either (pretty sure), so there's no rush to get married. I do know a couple of guys who just can't get a woman period, but they are not quite 40 yet, more like mid 30s. 1
sleepy one Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I hope I'll be one of them in 9 years time. I have absolutely no desire to marry or reproduce. There's plenty of people reproducing on this planet, let them get on with it I say. That's not my reason though, I just have absolutely no desire to do it. Be in a relationship long term, yes but it doesn't have to end in marriage or kids. in my late twenties I felt that way. then at 30 I met the girl of my dreams, and at 41 we have the most beautiful eight year old daughter. you never know what the future holds. 1
sleepy one Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 From my experience, people around that age are still single because they just don't care about dating that much or put other things on a higher priority. They have significant career goals, artistic pursuits to keep them occupied, and a social circle. Also, in the NYC area, not getting married and not having kids is a completely normal thing. So, there's no peer pressure. In contrast, just about everyone from high school who graduated at the bottom of the class, and were the social outcasts are/were married and have children. A number of my married friends also don't want children. I don't want them either (pretty sure), so there's no rush to get married. I do know a couple of guys who just can't get a woman period, but they are not quite 40 yet, more like mid 30s. I've seen this too. fun hobbies, friends galore, travel, short term flights with attractive women with no strings attached, freeom to do whatever they desire. some are into the single life and happy and may or may not marry for the perfect girl. on the other hand, guys who are in mid 30s and can't get a woman period aren't happy. they can't see signs of interest and when they do score the rare date they blow it on something stupid. they'll tell her they are desperate or will talk about the future the first time they meet or be scared to make a move.
mickleb Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I turned 40 a few months ago and have never been married. I spent a a good deal of my thirties working through the issues I'd carried since childhood. I chose celibacy for most of the last decade. I have no burning desire to be married. Being married for 50% of people equates to waiting to be divorced, for a start. I don't want to add another child to the world when there are so many that are not properly cared for, already. If I happen to find myself in an LTR with an amazing man, great! If not, meh - I'll still be happy. Happiness comes from within, and being celibate has helped me to understand this. If I do find that dream guy, I'm sure we'll be happier as a result of this, too. 3
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 While I believe in the institution of marriage, I don't think everyone is cut out for it and that doesn't mean something is wrong with them. Just like not everyone is cut out to have kids or go to college. We need to stop telling people something is wrong with them if they don't fit the stereotypical ideal. 3
Woggle Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Every never married, older man I’ve met has had commitment issues. I’m sure there are some who “it just hasn’t happened for,” but I haven’t met them. The ones I’ve met are terrified of the responsibilities that go along with having a LTR. They have had lots of options, but typically sabotage any semblance of a relationship. Often there are addiction issues and/or they tend to be emotionally unavailable as well. For this reason, I am cautious of never married men (or ones who never had a LTR) over 40. Divorced men are usually a better bet if you are interested in serious relationship. For whatever reason, the never married, older women don’t have the same issues, IME. They want very much to be married and would make great wives, but are surrounded by men who don’t value marriage or relationships, or who can’t sustain relationships. It’s unfortunate. I read a study that said if a man makes it to 37 without marrying, he most likely won't (the % was VERY low that he ever would). And it's not because he can't find anyone. I think the women are the same but many won't come out and say it. They subconsciously sabotage things as well.
FitChick Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Any sane man would be terrified of having his assets hinge upon the emotions of a woman, especially with, you know, the extremely high likelyhood of a divorce. Of course women don't have the same "issues", they don't stand to lose half of their ****. You enjoy curling up at night with your bags of gold? Women can lose half of their "stuff" in a divorce. Everything is split down the middle. Perhaps your state has different laws. Many women earn more than their husbands and in this economy, more high earning men have been laid off and are being supported by their wives. Men lose more money if they have kids, so get a vasectomy.
Woggle Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Why are slating men here for their genuine and understandable fears about marriage? One reason I agreed to marry my wife is she validated my fears about marriage and understood where I was coming from. Just read of the divorce stories on here and ask yourself if men really have no reason to be afraid of marriage.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Quite, there's this ridiculous idea that those who don't want to marry can't commit. I am perfectly capable of commitment and I want that, but I don't have to sign a legal document to prove it. And that's fine. That is your idea of commitment. For me, I would like to be with someone that is willing to go that extra mile and make it "legal". I do believe marriage is valuable. I sometimes think there is a tendency for some men (I am no talking about you here) to use use that "I don't need a legal document to prove my commitment" as a means to keep themselves distanced from their partner. I relate it to how usually men want the full package that sex entitles. They aren't really happy to be with women that say "Now we can only have sex but no bjs" or "We can only have bjs but no sex". When a man refuses to marry a woman that wants to get married and justifies it under that "it's just piece of paper" thing, then to her, he might as well be saying, "you are only good to commitment to, to a certain point. After that, I go no further." And I don't believe that marriage is just a piece of paper. Your degree isn't just a piece of paper, your house deed or car deed isn't just a piece of paper. Money isn't just a piece of paper. These are valuable things. But, that doesn't mean everyone should get married either. It's not for everyone and you define commitment differently then how others might. Especially a lot of women. 1
Fitz Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 (edited) Its just silly to stigmatize people in their 40's who were never married. Personally speaking, I'm not 40 yet but I have never been married. I was in a LTR from mid 20's to early 30's and was making serious plans for marriage. And then I found out my GF was sleeping around with multiple people -including an old guy twice her age (sugardaddy throwing money at her) as well as a married doctor (whose marriage she is currently trying to destroy). So of course that relationship died, and so here I am... single and in my mid thirties. !! Yes, perhaps, a long time ago the never-married 40 year old was a red flag. But in this current climate of instant gratification, high divorce rates, materialism, greed, celebrity worship, internet porn, reality TV, photoshop, etc. what gives anyone the right to fault someone (at whatever age) for not being married? Who really gets to say what is normal anymore? So in this day and age, a divorced person is automatically more normal than someone who never got married? Really? Well, from my perspective, it's the world itself that's crazy. Moreso than the people in it who (for whatever reasons) just haven't found a wedding ring to put on their fingers yet. Edited August 6, 2012 by Fitz 1
FitChick Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 (edited) Very few attractive women make more than I do, outside of the entertainment industry that is. That reminds me of a friend of a friend who was a struggling actress. She had lived with her boyfriend, a wannabe filmmaker, for a number of years. She adored him, looked after him, cooked, took care of his house, picked up his dry cleaning, made sure he saw his dentist, worried about him when he traveled, etc. She worked as a temp and went on auditions as they came along and contributed financially to the household expenses. He was nothing to look at and wasn't rich. He gave her the "It's just a piece of paper" speech and basically said take it or leave it. Guess what? She got a recurring supporting role on a successful sitcom and the dough started rolling in. She had access to people in the entertainment industry. Suddenly this man decided marriage wasn't such a bad thing after all. Thank God she saw right through him and dumped him. Edited August 6, 2012 by FitChick 1
oaks Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 anyone here met guy or girl in their 40's or even older and never got married. what and why was there reason for it??? i like to hear it. I think her reason was "didn't want to, so didn't do it". In today's society I'm not sure that being unmarried at any age should be an issue. Marriage isn't an automatic lifetime goal (or even early adulthood goal) like it used to be.
EasyHeart Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Most of the men in my peer group never even thought about marriage until they were at least 35. Lots of them were still single at 40. Late 30s-40s are a lot of men's peak dating years. A successful 40 year old man can date 45 year old career women or college girls working in the coffee shop and everything in between. It might be hard to get some of these guys to commit, but it's not because of any emotional issues; it's because they don't have to. 1
serial muse Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Most of the men in my peer group never even thought about marriage until they were at least 35. Lots of them were still single at 40. Late 30s-40s are a lot of men's peak dating years. A successful 40 year old man can date 45 year old career women or college girls working in the coffee shop and everything in between. It might be hard to get some of these guys to commit, but it's not because of any emotional issues; it's because they don't have to. My now-H was early 40s when we met 6 years ago. He had never been married before, and now he is. So, there's that. Datapoint of one. Anyway, I agree with EasyHeart's point - at least in the sense that, at least where I live and in our group of friends in this area, a lot of the people just didn't get married until late 30s, early 40s (this actually includes the women as well), and it was not because of emotional issues, but just because that was basically the "norm". In many cases it has to do with peoples' professional decisions as well. That's leaving aside the childbearing issues, which are of course a whole other kettle of fish. But as far as this thread and marriage alone is concerned, I think that it's true that just because someone's still single after 40 doesn't mean s/he isn't cut out for marriage, per se. Sometimes it does, of course. But it's probably not constructive to assume that it does.
GravityMan Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Marriage isn't for everyone, and I don't see anything wrong with waiting until your 40s to tie the knot, or deciding not to ever marry. Better to take your time on it rather than rush into it. Also, some careers are very demanding of one's time while young and leave little time for a personal life. However, if you reach your 40s and haven't had some experience with some sort of long-term romantic relationship with someone else...then there is a good chance that one or more things are "off" about you and whatever they are...they aren't good. Heck most people feel this way about folks who reach their late 20s or early 30s and lack LTR experience. Most humans are wired to strongly desire some kind of romantic and/or sexual relationship with someone else and to do so during their young adult years.
newmoon Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 my bf of one year is 47 male, never married, and i am friends with a 66 year old man, never married. i have asked the 66 year old before what is up with his single status and he said that he never found someone he loved enough, but that he did come close one time and regrets one special woman that he let get away. so... he does have some regret, but he always says he never truly regrets not having kids or marriage. he is a lawyer, well-off financially, and still dates. he seems decent, so i'm not sure what his underlying issues are, if any, but he is happy being never married and says that it is never going to happen now. my current bf is 47 - i am 36 - and he is also never married (as am i). i can see why he has never been married in his daily behaviors and interactions with me. it comes down, in my opinion, to the personality, a personality that is overly picky, nitpicky with the partner, and has too many exacting standards that no one is capable of meeting for this person. he easily finds fault with the partner and has likely used this as an excuse in the past to avoid committment. plus, it is also financial (not able to support a family), lack of career positioning, and difficulty, overall, relating to people and children and pets and just low social awareness. sometimes it feels like i'm teaching a child when i am with him. i think people with low social awareness are likely to forego marriage or end up married very late in life. just from what i have observed.
GG3 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 it comes down, in my opinion, to the personality, a personality that is overly picky, nitpicky with the partner, and has too many exacting standards that no one is capable of meeting for this person. he easily finds fault with the partner and has likely used this as an excuse in the past to avoid committment. I want to add to this that I just recently found this trait in my last boyfriend. He was 42 and never married. He soon starting showing every "sign" to a T of a commitment phobe that you might find online by searching online. He nitpicked every little thing about me and many things he said were wrong. Such as "not liking milk" which isn't true. But wow...that's a strike against someone? Yes I think someone who hasn't married by the age of 40 has some personality traits or lack of relationship skills and experience that has prevented them from being in a successful relationship. I am 33 and would not be surprised to find myself in this category in a few years. After so many bad relationships and heartache...staying home with my cat and a glass of wine suits me just fine and I'm sure I will develop some bad relationship behaviors and lack of effort myself.
RedRobin Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Most of the men in my peer group never even thought about marriage until they were at least 35. Lots of them were still single at 40. Late 30s-40s are a lot of men's peak dating years. A successful 40 year old man can date 45 year old career women or college girls working in the coffee shop and everything in between. It might be hard to get some of these guys to commit, but it's not because of any emotional issues; it's because they don't have to. These are only peak dating years for men if women let them be...
Yookie Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Its just silly to stigmatize people in their 40's who were never married. Personally speaking, I'm not 40 yet but I have never been married. I was in a LTR from mid 20's to early 30's and was making serious plans for marriage. And then I found out my GF was sleeping around with multiple people -including an old guy twice her age (sugardaddy throwing money at her) as well as a married doctor (whose marriage she is currently trying to destroy). So of course that relationship died, and so here I am... single and in my mid thirties. !! Yes, perhaps, a long time ago the never-married 40 year old was a red flag. But in this current climate of instant gratification, high divorce rates, materialism, greed, celebrity worship, internet porn, reality TV, photoshop, etc. what gives anyone the right to fault someone (at whatever age) for not being married? Who really gets to say what is normal anymore? So in this day and age, a divorced person is automatically more normal than someone who never got married? Really? Well, from my perspective, it's the world itself that's crazy. Moreso than the people in it who (for whatever reasons) just haven't found a wedding ring to put on their fingers yet. Well said! Agree with this.
fishtaco Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I guess I'm one of those liars with serious mental issues. Not interested in marriage at all. So why all the hate against people that don't want to get married? It's a life choice. Modern society makes it possible. Most women tell me I should get married. Most men tell me I'm smart to have side stepped the whole thing. But despite what people tell me, marriage has never interested me and it has nothing to offer me. Why should I get married? In fact the only benefit from getting married that I see is so certain judgmental people won't hate me. Maybe I should do a marriage-divorce so I can fit in. 1
EasyHeart Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 These are only peak dating years for men if women let them be...And they do!!!
FitChick Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 If I had married when I was younger, I'd be divorced by now, maybe more than once. I am far more ready now to be married and would make a much better wife.
danny in van Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I'm over 40 never married - but was loyal to someone for 7 years, and happy with her...she ended it cuz she was 19 when we met and said she needed to spread her wings etc...otherwise was in other ltr of 2 yrs, 5 yrs, etc and loyal. If I was a girl I'd be trying to spot loyal men, rather than ones who have or haven't been married. Girls make the mistake of think 'he was married= loyal'. It's faulty logic. If married always meant loyal then it would be understandable, but ... Also, marriage comes from religion, so if you're not religious why is it just assumed that marriage is the logical obvious progression?
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