goingthoughpain Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 My wife and I are in our mid-twenties, married for 4 years with 2 children, ages 20 months and five-years old, but have been together for 7 years. I have an undergrad and am working towards a professional degree, and my wife is a sales person with a media company. We had always had minor difficulties. She came from an abusive household, and found it difficult to escape that wretched cycle of abuse. She brought it with her, and it was something we always had to deal with. She would yell at me, call me names, physical violence, etc. I would sometimes respond in kind, and obviously it became upsetting to us. It was a cause for concern, so we went to couples counselling, and things seemed okay. We stopped going in early June because of scheduling issues, planning on picking it up again, but not doing so. One day a few weeks ago, she came home and was again in an abusive mood. I tried to get her to talk, but she didn't listen. We had a minor fight, she called the police. I wasn't too concerned, which was perhaps a mistake. I got the kids out of there by calling her parents, they came and picked them up, and I spoke to the police. Well, wouldn't you know it, but they charged me with Assault! I explained she grabbed me first, and pushed me, but was told, as a man, 'That I should know better.' I was shocked beyond belief (and a note: my wife is physically about as strong as I am. She's not a dainty flower, though she tries to pull it off). I spent a night in jail, weeping the whole time. I was told I couldn't see my kids, and that I couldn't go home, or speak to my wife. I was spending the summer off of school at home with my kids, so this was insane in my mind. Surely the justice system wouldn't sunder a caregiving parent and children? But yes, I guess they do. She has filed for divorce, and taken sole parenting privileges for the children (something, again, I guess the system allows because of the charge against me. I had no say in the matter.). So I still can't see my kids. I've retained two expensive lawyers – one for criminal and one for civil, but the system is terribly slow. I haven't spoken to or seen my children in three weeks. Prior to this horrific ordeal, I read to them every night, cooked the meals, played with them, sang with them, danced with them and loved them more than anything in this world. My wife made the money, I was the parent. I don't want to disparage her, but I can't understand what she's doing. We had a fairly decent relationship that was improving, and I never had a hint this was coming (she had stated she was thinking of divorce earlier in the year, hence our counselling, but I though those feelings had dissipated.). My mother insists she had this planned to an extent, and probably researched what to do and say to the police to ensure her victory in the matter. I'm heartbroken. Because of the nature of my program, I can't actually go back to university until the criminal charges are resolved. This could take months, if not longer. I'm without my kids (which were my day job for the time being), my house, my wife, my car...my career is in jeopardy. I worry what she's doing with the kids during the day, as she has to work. Are they in a dayhome? She never did a lot of research on those things, as that was what I took care of. The worst is, I'm assumed an abuser by everyone I talk to (police, child services, etc.). It's taken me awhile, but I think I've finally explained to my personal counsellor that I only responded to abuse, I never gave it out. I loved that girl more than anything in the world, and supported her in everything she did. But I'm a man, so it's my fault. I honestly though society has dispelled those stereotypes, but I guess I was wrong. I'm fairly confident the truth will win out in the end...but at what cost? Financially, I'm hurting terribly. My kids not seeing their dad, and being told God knows what by their mother? And what about our future relationship together, even just as separated parents? I'll never trust her again. It's terrible, but my mom managed to speak to her mom just before they broke off communication. Her mom told my mom that my wife was afraid that she would lose the kids if she just got up and left. So this is what she did... The worst is, we were the type of family that did everything together. We never watched much T.V., nor played many computer games or any of that sort of thing. We were an outdoorsy, get out and play family. Now, I'm removed from that, and while I try to be active alone, it's hard. My family has been very supportive, and tell me that things will work out. I've visited with virtually every person I've ever known to pass the time, but my days are still pretty empty. I should be able to see the kids within a week or so (at least, my lawyer thinks so), but who knows? I've never been on the wrong side of the justice system, and I have to say it's pretty draconian from what I've seen. So that's my story. I'm terribly sad. And while I know this is a short time in my kids lives, I also know they are missing me, confused and hurt themselves. The legal system has its vice-grip on us all, and I just pray I can get out with my head held high, my reputation intact, and my children healed. Thanks for listening! I'll update probably as things progress.
Gunny376 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Sadly enough ~ while there are more and more law enforcement officials who aren't buying into the man automatically being the abuser ~ there are far too many that still do. REPUTTION! Its the reason that one needs to identify and live closely to thier own personal code of ethics, beliefs, and values ~ thier core values and beliefs ~ their "center" if you would? Its Marine Corps 101 ~ "Keep your Honor, Integrity, Honsety, Reputation clean and spotless clean!" Doing so has been the single one thing that has saved my azz more than one time! The so-called "justice system" being what it is? If as what you have posted is true? You'll come out fine! That's not to say you won't go through a lot of trial and tribulation ~ worry ~ aggrivation ~ hell, hate and discontent ~ and depression ~ along with a lot of worry, self doubt? But be a man of honesty, steadfast in your core values, your convictons, your own personal standads and beliefs! When all else is gone and lost? Its what's going to get you through this. I KNOW! Its hard for me to talk about? But time and time again? Through.................................... (Fill in tha' blank________________ I can laugh about it NOW! Its been my Honor, my integrity, my core values, my standards, my beliefs (In God, Jesus, Country, Family, the Marine Corps, Dead Hard Friends, etc) that's gotten me through this far!
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