villageman Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Hi all, Kind of a long explanation, so bear with me. I broke up with my ex about 6 months ago. It was after 3 months of being in a long distance relationship, prior to that we’d lived together for about a year. I moved away for a grad program, didn’t ask her to come with me because I didn’t want her to quit a good job to come with, and after 3 months or so she met someone else and broke up with me. I was pretty broken up about it, because she was awesome,but in hindsight, she had lots of reasons to break up. Our relationship wasn’t the healthiest, mostly because I didn’t communicate very well and was pretty selfish, and for a lot of the time we were dating she was more invested in the relationship than I was. Anyway, that’s just back ground. Now, I’m back in the city we used to live in together, where she still lives, to do summer internship. I foolishly contacted her to tell her I was coming back… I don’t really know why, we hadn’t had much contact since the breakup, but I felt like it would be weird to come back and not at least let her know I was going to be around, although in hindsight that was probably a mistake. When I contacted her, she told me she wanted to get rid of the cat that we’d gotten together, that she’s been taking care of on her own for the last year, and she wanted to know if I could take him. I asked her if she wanted to meet to talk about it, but she didn’t, saying she preferred to do everything by email, because she didn’t think it would be fair to her new boyfriend to meet with her ex-boyfriend. I was a little peeved, but agreed. We ended up fighting a lot over email, mostly about the cat and whose responsibility it was, and it ended up in her sending me an email, totally unrelated to the cat, telling me that she regretted ever knowing me or dating me, thinks I’m terrible, and is so much happier now that she’s with her new boyfriend, and on and on. At that point I realized, she really didn’t care about me, even as a friend, and that I needed to stop thinking about her completely and just move on. So I did, actually, after that, when I realized that we weren’t going to meet again, and that I was just a bad memory from her past for her, I started to let go and think about the future more than I’ve been able to since the break up. But now, a week later, she sends me an email telling me she’d like to meet, to “go over the specifics about the cat situation.” Why does she want to do this? I don’t think it’s really about the cat, because we’ve already figured almost everything out by email. I really don’t think she has any lingering feelings for me either. Her new boyfriend, from everything I know, treats her really well, and on top of that, has a better job, more money than me, is in better shape than me, etc. I don’t say that to rip on me, my self esteem is mostly ok, I just say it to point out that, in addition to our relationship having had it.s problems, her new relationship and new guy seem to be much better for her than I was, and I think she’s genuinely much happier in this relationship. There isn’t any need to talk about the cat, she either doesn’t care about me, or possibly actively dislikes me, and is in a good new relationship. Any ideas on why she’s asking me to meet now?
danm Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Oh lord, I can't wait to see how this pans out. My girlfriends ex is doing the exact same. They had a cat. He bought it for her birthday, and after the split, she kept it. Except he has decided after 6 months of not seeing her that he wants to 'come and see the kitten' suddenly. What right has he got, its not a child. She is now with me, and she has made arrangements to see and meet him initially over seeing the cat. I call that bullcrap. He or she enjoys eachothers company to want to see them. An ex is an ex for a reason. If you ask me, your ex must just have a lingering urge to see you. You say you have arranged things. But seeing is altogether different. Maybe some unresolved feelings, or the need for closure on her part!?
HumptyDumpty Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I'm sorry, it's not about the cat here anymore! Since she couldn't stay on this topic in the e-mails, insulting you in the end! This is no good. So, up to her to decide: she either gives you the cat or finds someone else to get rid of it. Kinda sad for the animal but it's just hurting you. She either gives you the cat once and for all or leaves it! I mean, I love animals but if they're used as a tool, it would make me really angry and destroy all hopes to even remain friendly with that ex.
Author villageman Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 Yeah, I assume it's not all about the cat, I just can't figure out why she wants to see me. Actually the agreement that we'd come to was that she'd keep him for a year and then I'd take him, I'm in grad school now and my apartment doesn't allow cats. We left it at that and I didn't plan on talking to her until next year, especially after she told me how terrible I was, etc, etc. I miss her, actually, but I was glad to think that we were done contacting each other. Then, about a week later, suddenly she wants to meet. We don't have anything else to figure out about the cat. Who knows?
HumptyDumpty Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 telling me that she regretted ever knowing me or dating me, thinks I’m terrible, and is so much happier now that she’s with her new boyfriend, and on and on. At that point I realized, she really didn’t care about me, even as a friend, and that I needed to stop thinking about her completely and just move on. You need to keep on with this. Moving on. I mean, sure, the relationship wasn't alright. But can't 2 adults just sit down and talk like one? I mean, to go off running to another guy, saying this and then wants to talk to you? I mean, sorry, but after what she said, she doesn't deserve talking to you, since she's not capable of doing this. Now, what I would do is just remind her of the cat, what you decided to do about it and leave it at this. Since I fear that her new guy left her now... seriously, there has to come some intelligent thought from her part and an excuse worth of its name. Just keep it in mind, good luck
Exit Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Ugh, my own heart sank after you described how she told you in the email that she regrets ever being together and all that. With that in mind, say no to the meeting, turn the tables on her, tell her you agree that you probably shouldn't meet up since she has a boyfriend and that you thought you had reached an agreement about the cat through email. Don't play her stupid games. Let her be with this guy who is "so much better". If you have any self-respect there is really no reason to waste time meeting up with someone who basically called you a stain in their memory.
Author villageman Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Ugh, my own heart sank after you described how she told you in the email that she regrets ever being together and all that. With that in mind, say no to the meeting, turn the tables on her, tell her you agree that you probably shouldn't meet up since she has a boyfriend and that you thought you had reached an agreement about the cat through email. Don't play her stupid games. Let her be with this guy who is "so much better". If you have any self-respect there is really no reason to waste time meeting up with someone who basically called you a stain in their memory. Yeah, I'm conflicted. I don't think that she meant everything that she said, because I think she might still be processing some stuff and lashing out to hurt me, but it was a pretty mean thing to say. I agreed to meet her, mostly because I didn't want to escalate the drama again by saying that now I didn't feel comfortable meeting, but it might have been a mistake. I'm thinking about cancelling.
danm Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I was told something recently that made a lot of sense... If people are truly over something, then why waste time regretting, getting angry and upset over it!? You just accept it, and realise you are better now, so you are greater for it. If she is still kicking up a fuss, trying to insult you, it is clear she still harbours some sort of feelings. Feelings of resent that it didn't work out. Of what could have been. Or than she still wants you? I am sure of it. If she was that happy, and the new guy is so incredible, then your past with her would be nothing but a drop in the ocean of resent. But it isn't. This girl still craves you.
BooBoo1982 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 My ex gets in touch just to tell me how much he hates me and how angry he is that I ruined our relationship, I don't think he still has feelings I just think he hates me a lot.
Exit Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Ultimately the decision is yours. I understand how you feel not wanting to cause more drama by cancelling the meeting. Just keep your expectations low. Assume it will be a 90 second meeting in which someone will agree to take the cat. If anything else happens, well, that's up to you to figure out.
BooBoo1982 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 My ex gets in touch just to tell me how much he hates me and how angry he is that I ruined our relationship, I don't think he still has feelings I just think he hates me a lot. This was in response to danm btw
Author villageman Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 Thanks for all of the responses. In the end, I'm gonna go meet her. I didn't want to make things even more dramatic by canceling, and my curiosity kind of got the best of me anyways. Danm, I agree with a lot of what you say, but I'm also pretty damn sure she isn't interested me in any way at all. My guess is that there's some kind of unresolved hurt there, and that she wants some resolution, but who knows. Maybe she really does just want to talk about the cat. I realize that meeting is maybe not the best idea for me, I still have some unresolved feelings too and this will probably stir some of that up and make me feel terrible for a day or two, but I can take it. I'll file a report later if anything interesting happens.
Author villageman Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Well, met the ex. Still have no idea what to think about all of that. She definitely had her guard up when we met, and for the first 30 minutes or so we barely talked about anything. Very little talk about the cat, but after a bit we started to talk about her job, my experience at grad school and what I'd learned. By the end, it seemed like she'd more or less changed her opinion about me, her attitude was totally different, much, much friendlier, and then... that was it. She sent me an email saying thanks for meeting, that she can see that I've changed and that she hopes I do well. Still don't really know why she wanted to meet, or what she got out of that, but whatever, it's done now. I'm actually not doing too bad at the moment either. After she warmed up a bit, she was very friendly, fun to talk to, and, unfortunately, still one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen in my life... and I am in no way exaggerating when I say that, so that stung a little, to realize that I'd been so messed up in the head when I'd been with her that I didn't appreciate her for what she was, but the past is the past. Not going to spend too much time dwelling on that now.
Author villageman Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 Ok, well just a final word of warning for anyone who happens to read this. I met the ex yesterday after not seeing her for about 8 months. It was generally a good meeting, and I think we left things in a better place than they had been. For her it was probably a nice way to put a bow on the end of the relationship, and for me I was glad to show her that I'd come a long ways since we broke up. But... god, as the person who got dumped, it hurt, quite a bit. Before the meeting, I was pretty sure that I'd put the relationship more or less behind me, and that I didn't still have any strong feelings for my ex. Now it's the morning after, and I miss her like hell, and am wondering if I'll here from her again, and when. There's no way we're ever getting back together, so this is not healthy, and it's in a way, a step back, something I'll have to work through. So just wanted to say, as many others here have said before, before you meet with your ex, think very carefully about what it's going to do to you and your recovery process. It could be a bit more than you're prepared to handle.
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