seekinganswers Posted July 13, 2004 Posted July 13, 2004 I have been married for 30+ years. I got married for all the wrong reasons, but mostly to escape abusive parents. I didn't love my husband, just wanted to be rescued. 7 years ago I met a man and fell DEEPLY in love. We had a wild and mostly wonderful affair for a couple of months. Without going into all the details, I did go back to my husband. Our marriage improved and for the past 7 years we have been very happy. I truly do love my husband now but not in that ga-ga way that I was with this other man. He was the one I felt like writing poetry and songs about....this one is not. I am resigned to the fact that I may never again experience that kind of romance and willingly settle for the wonderful husband who "took me back." Now, here's the problem. Even though I've done all the "right" things to move on (counseling, volunteer work, keeping busy, etc.) I still LONG for that depth of love to be in my life and my longing makes me often look wistfully back and pine for what was. HOW do I ever move on? Maybe I was in love with love, I don't know, I just know I feel a sense of grief and loss because I don't have that "inspiring" kind of love in my life. Sometimes I think about painting or writing poetry and when I look inside for inspiration I feel dead, like there's nothing there to celebrate anymore. I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone. Any suggestions on how to COMPLETELY put the past behind me? Or will I always have scabs to pick at and always have to make the choice over and over again not to? Please help.
pinkyzhu Posted July 13, 2004 Posted July 13, 2004 Hi, I am so sorry for you. It's about your own choice and I have no answer for this dilema. Yes, there are many responsibilities to fullfill in a marriage, yet life is only that long to allow you realize dreams. The point is after ask yourself thousand times and come to a decision, do not ever look back and question it again. Take care pinckyzhu
Blah Toolz Posted July 16, 2004 Posted July 16, 2004 Maybe it was the familiarity with your husband that caused you to feel this way with the man you had an affair with. Would you run off with this man and not miss your current husband at all? The common quote "The grass isn't always greener on the other side," might apply here. I'm not sure exactly what it's like for you, but perhaps it is only a perception that makes you feel "ga-ga" in love with this other man. If you were to move in with him and start living with him, you might find that this "head over heels" perception that you have of him would disappear. Think about your current husband, could you truly leave him and be without him and not feel any pain? Would you miss him? Sometimes you don't know what you truly have until you lose it... what if he were to have left you and had not taken you back? Would things be different?
Author seekinganswers Posted July 16, 2004 Author Posted July 16, 2004 Blah Toolz, You make several valid points and I agree with where you are going on this. My mind realizes 1) the guy was really a jerk and it was some kind of fantasy I had going on in my head, and 2) My husband is handsome, loving, good provider, and maybe its just the familiarity of him that is kind of boring. See, the problem is not with my head, its with my heart. It's an emotional "romantic" thing I'm missing and longing for. I guess in some ways it comes down to disciplining my mind not to wander back there, but how do we discipline the heart? That's where I have trouble.
Blah Toolz Posted July 16, 2004 Posted July 16, 2004 Well... sometimes when you wish your husband would be more romantic -- think of these positive qualities about him in a new light. Think about how great of a provider he is, how great he is with the kids (if you have any), and generally what a great person he is. Try to drop him little hints or even openly suggest that you two schedule one day every month just to forget about everything else, and go out on a romantic date. Like a picnic together, candlelit dinner... where you forget about work, the outside world, everything else. I bet you'll regain some of that romantic spark that you feel you've been lacking.
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