Is it really over? Or is she nuts?

August 6, 2012

So here is my story. My wife of 4 and 1/2 years and mother of our three children, one of which is 7 (so before marriage) and the last one was born 6 months ago. Has decided that she no longer wants to make it work and is currently having a long distance emotional affair with her high school boyfriend, who is also married and has two kids. She says she no longer loves me and is madly in love with him ( I don't know what she sees). But I have tried all things that are advised against in this forum, begging, pursuing her love, expressing my devotion, and commitment to change. I truly believe I can change some the annoying habits that she has complained about. But feel I can do nothing if she doesn't want to work on us.

At this point I am considering moving into the basement, but will not leave my house. She has suggested that she will not leave as well (due to the kids and finance). For now, I am the source of all her unhappiness in the world, and this guy is the answer.

My question to everyone here. Is my relationship with my wife really over or is she nuts?

Edited August 6, 2012 by icDude
additional info

August 6, 2012

I'd have to say the answer is yes to both, but I thought mine was over many times in the last 3 years. There was a time when my wife was so much in a fog of stupidity that I could have had the kids and she would have signed custody over. In hindsight, I wish I would have taken that deal rather than put humpty dumpty back together again. I hate divorce, but in the long run I think it would have been ok.

August 6, 2012

Is my relationship with my wife really over or is she nuts?

My best guess is half right on the first and totally right on the second. Your situation is not a lot different to mine. The bottom line seems to be that she feels you are the source of her problems while someone who has zero vested interest is the answer. My wife is seeing a single man in his late 40's. My very first question is how can you be single in your late 40's and be a decent person? It doesn't make sense. It's so easy to be in an affair. "oooohh sweetheart we could be so happy together if wasn't for ..." Good luck friend.

August 6, 2012

My very first question is how can you be single in your late 40's and be a decent person?.

???

That makes no sense.

August 6, 2012

???

That makes no sense.

You are right. It was written in haste and not well thought out. I wanted to say, how can someone make it into their late 40's without ever forming a proper long term relationship? Even if that relationship ended. The man my wife is seeing is such a person. It makes me wonder how this can be.

August 6, 2012

Having been where you find yourself (and having come back and gone again! ) I would say that from the sound of it that the DW may be having what you might call a mid-life crisis.

While such is different for each and every individual ~ they are similarities ~ likewise, there are differences between men and women ~ but again there are similarities.

For women its the realization of not only their mortality, but mourning their youth and oftentimes ability to attract a man.

Its easy for me to write this NOW ~ tWENTY -TWO YEARS HENCE ~ but in retrospect? Back in the day when my XHEX was out cheating on me? Literally in my face with it?

I wouldn't move out! HELL NO! I wouldn't have given her the SATISFACTION of a divorce. I would have given her money to go out and be with her toy boy. I would have stayed home with my children, kept all the things that I had busted my azz for over the course of the years. I would have given her the keys to my car after I had just washed it, detailed it, gassed up! Hell I would given her money as she left to go out.

I wouldn't have cuzzed and fuzzed at her, I would have given her the silent treatment and just gone on with my life.

:laugh: I can say that now ~ but that's what I would have done.

To succed in this life in all of his many facets?

You've got to have a a back bone and a funny bone ~ most of all a funny bone!

August 6, 2012

don't know if your m arriage is over,BUT since your wife is in a long distance relationship, i would see a lawyer about having papers drawn up were she can not move outta state and take your kids.

August 6, 2012

There's a book I read recently

Women’s Infidelity

LIVING IN LIMBO

What women really mean

when they say,

“I’m not happy.”

It describes my wife to a tee. The guy in the book, Kevin, has a lot in common with me. So much so I thought the author prescient. The short of it seems that the people with the greatest success in recovering anything, if there is anything to recover, are those who stood up and said, "I ain't taken it anymore". This is of course easy in theory, the practice part I'm going to have to work on.

I spent so much time trying to be Mr. Perfect, showing her how truly worthy I was of her love. BS is all I can say, especially after 25 years I showed that love in so many ways and still do. I'm just not new. That's my problem.

If you read the book, you will see that your wife is definitely nuts and as Gunny suggests it has so much to do with realizing you are a mortal. It's all my wife worries about now even though her health is 100% outstanding. The envy of most human's her age, she still thinks she's going to die tomorrow and needs to "experience" as much as possible. Does she really want to experience the destruction of a long and fruitful relationship and only seeing her daughter part time and losing the family home and a husband who really would take care of her if she got sick? Sorry for the highjack.

Edited August 6, 2012 by PoopHappens

August 6, 2012

So I see a lot of conflict about whether its over. But consensus that she is nuts. Which I fully agree with. My problem is I can't move out of my home and she won't and we both have a legal right to be there unless divorced.

Furthermore, this really wrecked me, I mean I love this woman and I love my kids. I would like to save my marriage, but don't see much chance while she is talking to the other man and expressing devotion to him. It's obviously a fantasy that she has with this guy; no part of it could actually work, from the finances to child custody, since he lives in another state and is minimally employed through the army reserve. He could find a job here or her go there, but then they would have to lose custody. Not that reality is the primary motivation. She just claims to be unhappy and wants to be happy (with him, not with me).

August 6, 2012

Also, I am not sure she would have told me about the affair had I not confronted her. Which may suggest that it would have worked itself out without intervention had I not intervened, but now she is locked into her decision, by my decision to tell her friends and family about it, in an attempt to find support. She has basically alienated herself from her family and friends in doing this. And is really stubborn. Only listening to those who support her and shutting her ears to any words of dissent.

August 6, 2012

And is really stubborn. Only listening to those who support her and shutting her ears to any words of dissent.

This is typical of the "fog" that these women usually find themselves in. If it's really bad, there isn't even any glimmer of guilt or true reality to be found. Even when I thought I had brought my wife out of the fog by fighting for her and, as some have said, being mr. perfect, she really wasn't.

Sorry you are in hell right now.

August 6, 2012

So here is my story. My wife of 4 and 1/2 years and mother of our three children, one of which is 7 (so before marriage) and the last one was born 6 months ago. Has decided that she no longer wants to make it work and is currently having a long distance emotional affair with her high school boyfriend, who is also married and has two kids. She says she no longer loves me and is madly in love with him ( I don't know what she sees). But I have tried all things that are advised against in this forum, begging, pursuing her love, expressing my devotion, and commitment to change. I truly believe I can change some the annoying habits that she has complained about. But feel I can do nothing if she doesn't want to work on us.
At this point I am considering moving into the basement, but will not leave my house. She has suggested that she will not leave as well (due to the kids and finance). For now, I am the source of all her unhappiness in the world, and this guy is the answer.
My question to everyone here. Is my relationship with my wife really over or is she nuts?

I agree that she's nuts, the relationship as you knew it is definitely over.

Basically the two of you are at an impasse. She has declared the marriage "over" in no uncertain terms (in her mind, anyway) by declaring her love for her married-with-two-kids h.s. boyfriend. (Certainly that's the crazy part. Why would he want to trade in his baby mama for yours? Doesn't make sense. He probably just wants a few bangs from her.)

Neither of you will leave the house. She won't because she has no place to go, the dude is married. I'm glad you're sensible and not leaving your home.

That being the case, you sit her down and tell her "O.K. since you don't love me anymore and you won't listen to reason and you won't break it off with this dude, then I am going to immediately start dating other women--and by 'date', I mean 'have sex with in every available orifice.'" Say it calmly, say it like you're dead serious about it (because you should be), and don't let her get you into an argument about it. Use exactly the verbiage I provided because your wife needs to know that since she doesn't love you and she's cheating then you are freed from any vow of monogamy with her. And she needs to know that you intend to be as sexual as you can be with any new women you happen to get together with.

Then, you go out and you DO IT. Start dating other women. Start having sex with them, and without feeling any need to conceal what you are doing.

If she questions you or resists this, just say: "Hey you said you want to move on, I'm fine with that. I'm moving on too. Good luck with your life."

August 7, 2012

So I see a lot of conflict about whether its over.

Your marriage is as you thought it to be is definitely over. In fact in your wife's head it's probably been over for a long long time. Your wife declared it's over. That means it's over. Like any other relationship--if one of the people doesn't want it anymore, there is no relationship.

Of course you have children together and will need to raise them cooperatively. And you will need to live together for the time being, but you should encourage her to leave and go be with her boyfriend.

If she says she can't afford to, tell her to have her boyfriend pay for an apartment for her to live nearby his house so they can see each other whenever they want.

But consensus that she is nuts. Which I fully agree with. My problem is I can't move out of my home and she won't and we both have a legal right to be there unless divorced.

Yes but she's the one who said she wanted "out" of the marriage, and her boyfriend lives somewhere else, so obviously it's incumbent on her to move out and go be with her boyfriend.

Furthermore, this really wrecked me, I mean I love this woman and I love my kids. I would like to save my marriage, but don't see much chance while she is talking to the other man and expressing devotion to him.

Well of course it wrecked you but you can't let the rest of your life be defined by what your wife did. There is no chance of saving your marriage in a case like this. Not unless you basically put your foot in your wife's ass. And you start doing that by making it very clear that if anyone's leaving the house and the kids, it will be her, not you. And you also do it by starting to date, and screw, other women immediately. Let her dwell upon the consequences of her decisions. If she decides she'd rather have you screwing other women than herself, that's up to her. If she decides she doesn't like that so much, she'll let you know and try to give you some kind of incentive to stop.

It's obviously a fantasy that she has with this guy; no part of it could actually work, from the finances to child custody, since he lives in another state and is minimally employed through the army reserve.

It left the realm of fantasy (i.e. all in her head) when she actually started communicating with him. That's reality not fantasy. Tell her she needs to leave the house and go to the other state and be with her true love. He's married? That's her problem--true love conquers all. I would buy her a frickin' greyhound bus ticket if I were you. Pack her bags. Tell her to get her fat selfish ass moving down the road. (You can quote me, no charge.)

He could find a job here or her go there, but then they would have to lose custody. Not that reality is the primary motivation. She just claims to be unhappy and wants to be happy (with him, not with me).

Make it very clear that there's no way she's getting custody and if she tries to contest it you will destroy her in court.

Just say "Baby this is what you wanted. How can you go be with your lover and take care of the kids? That would be irresponsible to the children, so I just can't let you do that now, can I? And neither would any judge. Here's your bus ticket. Now let me drive you to the bus station."

I would even go so far as to look for apartments for her near where the dude lives. You can do it online. I would give her first and last month's rent and a security deposit, plus a couple of months worth of living expenses. Tell her she needs to start looking for a job near where her boyfriend lives. Also tell her not to come back as the locks will be changed, and if she wants visitation with the children, it will be in your home, with you supervising, to ensure she doesn't try to kidnap them and move them out of state.

Edited August 7, 2012 by DuckSoup

August 7, 2012

Affairs thrive in darkness. Nothing kills them faster than exposure to the light. Does the OM's BW know about the A? If not tell her. Many OM have a tendency to throw their AP under the bus when their BW's put the smackdown on them.

Also expose to family, friends, WW's coworkers, anyone who will listen.

Investigate the 180, and start living it. It is for you to start healing.

Finally consult with an attorney and start planning for D.

Best of luck Amigo

August 7, 2012

I've seen this 180 thing on other posts. Googled and can't seem to find anything. What is it? Where is it?

August 7, 2012

Affairs thrive in darkness. Nothing kills them faster than exposure to the light. Does the OM's BW know about the A? If not tell her. Many OM have a tendency to throw their AP under the bus when their BW's put the smackdown on them.
Also expose to family, friends, WW's coworkers, anyone who will listen.
Investigate the 180, and start living it. It is for you to start healing.
Finally consult with an attorney and start planning for D.
Best of luck Amigo

I need to be brought up to speed on the abbreviations. What is a OM, BW, A? Thank you in advance.

August 7, 2012

I need to be brought up to speed on the abbreviations. What is a OM, BW, A? Thank you in advance.

OM= Other Man

BW= Betrayed Wife

A= Affair

August 7, 2012

The 180 is where you turn around and do the exact opposite of what you have been doing to save the marriage. It sometimes works. And to the Debbie Downers out there, I have been going to counseling with my wife. And some of the crazy stuff I have been doing is chipping away at the ice, but not fast. She still talks to him. I know now that his wife knows and is putting pressure on him. And my wife is getting pressure from me. Plus family and friends are aware and opposed to this. Now I back off and be a sweet father and supporting spouse. I'm not going to rub other women in her face. Not yet. That's the Last Resort technique, and surprisingly, even to me, some of my other tactics; helping out around the house, talking about compatibility, practicality, etc. ... seem to be working as well. Not that things are fixed, no way. We are a h@#% of a long way from working. ... It may not work, and she is nuts, but then who isn't. Plus, d#$% it, I love her.

August 7, 2012

The 180 is where you turn around and do the exact opposite of what you have been doing to save the marriage. It sometimes works. And to the Debbie Downers out there, I have been going to counseling with my wife. And some of the crazy stuff I have been doing is chipping away at the ice, but not fast. She still talks to him. I know now that his wife knows and is putting pressure on him. And my wife is getting pressure from me. Plus family and friends are aware and opposed to this. Now I back off and be a sweet father and supporting spouse. I'm not going to rub other women in her face. Not yet. That's the Last Resort technique, and surprisingly, even to me, some of my other tactics; helping out around the house, talking about compatibility, practicality, etc. ... seem to be working as well. Not that things are fixed, no way. We are a h@#% of a long way from working. ... It may not work, and she is nuts, but then who isn't. Plus, d#$% it, I love her.

Then I guess you'll put up with it as long as you can stand to. It's a soul-killing road, but it's yours to choose.

Or you can choose to believe her when she says she doesn't love you anymore and loves the OM. You can tell her "you know, I've been giving this alot of thought and you're right, we are done. You should be with the OM. Best of luck. I value myself too much to stay in this marriage. There are thousnads of women out there and just one of me and I like those odds just fine. We both need to move on. I'll start the divorce process this afternoon."

August 7, 2012

Then I guess you'll put up with it as long as you can stand to. It's a soul-killing road, but it's yours to choose.

Or you can choose to believe her when she says she doesn't love you anymore and loves the OM. You can tell her "you know, I've been giving this alot of thought and you're right, we are done. You should be with the OM. Best of luck. I value myself too much to stay in this marriage. There are thousnads of women out there and just one of me and I like those odds just fine. We both need to move on. I'll start the divorce process this afternoon."

There is but one ultimate trump card as you describe it. I understand the other fellows perspective very well and am trying the same, I sometimes think, pathetic approach. But love does make you do stupid things. For me it's needing to know, with absolute certainty that it's a done deal, over, gone for good. I think once I deal that trump card, it really will be over, I have no intention to re-open negotiations once the papers are served. It will be the end. The end of my marriage is someplace I don't want to be but accept I may have to be there.

August 8, 2012

just wanted to add that I hear "she's in a fog" a lot around here... I think we need to realize that in most cases these folks are not in some trance and if we can get them to "snap out of it" then we can have our loved one back. Most likely your wife is who she is - she changed, maybe slowly or maybe this is who she always was... only you can know for sure... people do change, a lot of times it's for the worse...

August 9, 2012

just wanted to add that I hear "she's in a fog" a lot around here... I think we need to realize that in most cases these folks are not in some trance and if we can get them to "snap out of it" then we can have our loved one back. Most likely your wife is who she is - she changed, maybe slowly or maybe this is who she always was... only you can know for sure... people do change, a lot of times it's for the worse...

Perhaps its not a fog. But I think a part of her still wants me and a part of her wants him. Both will not work, so she has to make a choice. Right now she doesn't know if she should stay with me or go. I want to convince her to stay, and then build a relationship where all her parts want me. Perhaps that's my fog, but then what is love?

August 9, 2012

Perhaps its not a fog. But I think a part of her still wants me and a part of her wants him. Both will not work, so she has to make a choice. Right now she doesn't know if she should stay with me or go. I want to convince her to stay, and then build a relationship where all her parts want me. Perhaps that's my fog, but then what is love?

man, I feel for you... many of us have been there. I think the key is letting her go and moving on yourself... if you try to convince her to see it your way and succeed in getting her back there's a good chance it won't won't... someone shouldn't need convincing to be with someone else... the only way is to move on and if she ever changes her mind and really wants to be with you then YOU can make the choice... if you have moved forward there is a chance you will want nothing to do with her...

Sign In

Is it really over? Or is she nuts?

Recommended Posts

icDude

evryrozhasitsthorn

PoopHappens

M30USA

PoopHappens

Gunny376

mark982

PoopHappens

icDude

icDude

evryrozhasitsthorn

DuckSoup

DuckSoup

seibert253

evryrozhasitsthorn

PoopHappens

dscl

icDude

GorillaTheater

PoopHappens

andyg99

icDude

andyg99

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...