Jamesblame Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 * Question at the very bottom if this is too long. Sorry! * Hmm.... My ex has gone mad. She and I had an amicable split, tried to be friends, and hoped to get back together...I guess it was a break. We met spent the weekend together without sex until the end, and when I suggested reconciling she told me that she had no feelings for me. I was devastated, but moved on. Took care of myself, worked hard, met people. And meanwhile my ex was in a terrible cycle of self-destruction. Drinking, going on dates as "distractions", getting into quick relationships while telling her friends that she had no interest in them, then at night calling and texting me with breadcrumbs. All of a sudden, I met a wonderful girl who blew me away. She's really sweet and affectionate. We started out as friends, but it quickly evolved into mutual feelings. The only problem of course, is the rebound potential. But anyways, I had gotten over my ex's most recent case of screwing with me (i was dating random people, and was honestly happy at the notion of her finding someone else). But I opened my ears to her words of how much she missed me, and how unhappy she was without me. Then as I was thinking it was ok to reconcile, she told me that she loved me but wouldn't stop casually dating. I was sad and livid. I told her that I was already well beyond moving on , and that she should keep her romantic feelings to herself because there would be no way, I'd ever consider her as a potential partner. The next day I met my friend for coffee at 4pm and ended up spending time talking, cooking, and hanging out until 6 am! It just showed me how my ex doesn't have a monopoly on my happiness or good dates. Now, come a few days later and my ex "realizes" her mistake. She's devastated that I'm not interested in her, and she would even be willing to marry me now. She sent dozens of texts, attempted to call 29 plus times, and publicly begged my affection on both our facebook pages. She's contacted all my friends and family, has admitted to several large mistakes, and left wailing voicemails. I can be fairly certain that this recent behavior is not a breadcrumb. I ended up talking to her after she threatened to spend her rent money on a ticket to see me. The problem I'm having is that I'm in the beginning of a very close, very genuine, but possibly rebound relationship. The relationship isn't really set in stone, though we spend a fair amount of time together. I'm suffering from the Honeymoon symptoms. The issue is that I care for my ex...and if she was this serious about admitting her mistakes, then the optimist in me would give it a crap shoot. But I'd lose the new girl who I love being around. I just think it's funny how these things come in waves. Literally I've been alone and sad for months. Then within a couple days I have the interest of 4 separate women: 1. My ex 2. This girl who gets me giddy and make me not want to f up 3. A friend who shares a lot of physical chemistry, but who doesn't really do it for me. 4. Another friend who wants to hook up. My question is : Is there a way of keeping options open with ex in the SOLE case that my budding relationship with the new girl fails? During a successful reconciliation, were you and your ex willing to wait for a better time? My ex says she's willing to take it slow, but if I don't give her a chance than she won't be able to talk to me again. (Though she does acknowledge that she wants me to be happy and be with a girl who deserves me).
changchewsoon Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I would really think that keeping your ex as a backup is probably not the best idea. But again, that's my humble opinion. 1
ihateslowjams Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Sometimes, playing with fire burns. I like to focus on one girl at a time. Im usually a good multi-tasker, but not with women or talking while eating... 1
Skalabanan Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 If anyone ever needed proof of how powerful it is too move on then look no further. I don't have the answers to this situation but your ego must be through the roof, i know mine would be!! 1
Exit Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 After all the times your ex has ultimately decided that she was not wanting to get back together even after acting interested, don't act too quickly this time either. She is acting out of pure desperation by doing all those things, contacting your friends and family, making a scene on Facebook. Her ego is reacting to the fact that she finally sees you moving on and it might not be genuine feelings for you that are really making her say all this stuff. She should understand after how many times she let you down that you aren't just going to come back right away. She shouldn't be the one giving the ultimatums that you either give her a chance now or it's gone for good. That proves even more that what she wants more than anything is just to get you to make a drastic change in direction and show her that you are willing to slow down your moving away from her. I bet it could be the exact same thing again where as soon as you back down and start to open up to her, she'll swerve again and say no thanks to a committed relationship with you. As others have said you're kinda playing with fire to want to keep more than one option open for yourself right now, but I see a small window of opportunity for you to do so if you really feel like risking it. Tell your ex that one fantastic display of making a scene and contacting all of your people and leaving voicemails isn't going to make you believe it right away. There's been times where you suggested getting back together and she said no, there's been times where she has said she will not give up her casual dating, and you are wary that it will happen again. So she needs to just chill out for a while and prove that she really means these things she is saying. Don't let her call all the shots on you, turn the tables and tell her that if SHE is so serious about this, she will understand that you want to see she feels the same way for a few more weeks before you even consider it. And in the meantime I suppose you could sneak in a few more dates with the new girl and see if that is really going to go anywhere or not. But you do absolutely run the risk of all of this blowing up in your face and you end up with neither of them. The safest bet is to blow off your ex who has shown time and time again that she won't make up her mind about this, and commit to not letting any new relationship with someone else just be a rebound. Or if you really feel vulnerable to getting yourself in a rebound situation then maybe you just don't need anybody right now. 1
leoc1973 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 James give the new girl a chance. You might end up realizing that your ex was nothing compared to this new girl. After we get our exes off the pedestal they were on we realize they are just another girl. If she loves you so much then ya know what? She will still be there after you have decided who you want. Remember the most important thing. You don't owe her anything!! Nothing at all she dumped you and she is now turning on the tears to guilt you into giving her another chance? Really? Screw that!! Think back and remember how horrible you felt when she told you she didn't love you. Like I said tho if she really does love you then she will be there after you have decided if the new girl is better. Think of her dumping you as a get out of jail free card. And another thing. Its all about you and what you want and not anyone else. 1
Mariana345 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 All I want to say is Don't do onto others what you don't want done onto you Think about this girls. You are not just going to damage your chances, you can damage some feelings... I think 3 and 4 aren't the real problem, just your ex and the new interesting girl. Think what would happen if you chose one or another and then decide which one is the best outcome, for you. Its not just about you unfortunately, there are others involve. 1
Author Jamesblame Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Thanks so much for all your great responses everyone. I guess I wasn't as clear as I could have been. I didn't want to have a romantic affair with my ex and the new girl. I wanted to have my romance with the new girl while maintaining the friendship with the ex. What I ended up doing was thinking about both my ex and the new girl, and then I talked with my ex, and told her that I was interested in pursuing the new relationship. I have stronger feelings for the new girl than not. So my ex took it graciously and said she'd still like to talk so long as I never mention the girl's name to her. (Fair enough) I then went to the new girl and we spent a nice night together. I told her about my ex's desire and let her see a few texts. Now she' s more comfortable pursuing a relationship with me (!!!) So yay for me. My friends are a bit peeved at me though. The one that wants to hook up thinks it's stupid to go for a relationship, and the other friend...turned out to not be much a friend at all. basically she told me F off once I told her about the new relationship.
Author Jamesblame Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 It's crappy though, because while I am strongly attracted to this new girl, I get really upset thinking about how sad my ex is. I was there a few weeks ago, after all. I feel so bad that she's hurting. And I feel terrible that my "friend" thinks that I was playing her.
Author Jamesblame Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 All I want to say is Don't do onto others what you don't want done onto you Think about this girls. You are not just going to damage your chances, you can damage some feelings... I think 3 and 4 aren't the real problem, just your ex and the new interesting girl. Think what would happen if you chose one or another and then decide which one is the best outcome, for you. Its not just about you unfortunately, there are others involve. It's just unfortunate that everyone's feelings had to be so involved in one way or another. But you're absolutely right. And I think my ex is a good friend, but romantically, I think I'll have a better adventure and luck with a new girl.
Author Jamesblame Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 James give the new girl a chance. You might end up realizing that your ex was nothing compared to this new girl. After we get our exes off the pedestal they were on we realize they are just another girl. If she loves you so much then ya know what? She will still be there after you have decided who you want. Remember the most important thing. You don't owe her anything!! Nothing at all she dumped you and she is now turning on the tears to guilt you into giving her another chance? Really? Screw that!! Think back and remember how horrible you felt when she told you she didn't love you. Like I said tho if she really does love you then she will be there after you have decided if the new girl is better. Think of her dumping you as a get out of jail free card. And another thing. Its all about you and what you want and not anyone else. Good points. This really helped. Thanks!
Author Jamesblame Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 If anyone ever needed proof of how powerful it is too move on then look no further. I don't have the answers to this situation but your ego must be through the roof, i know mine would be!! Haha, it's nice minus the fact that in making a decision I have to hurt 3 people. But you're right. It definitely made me feel better.
Author Jamesblame Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 After all the times your ex has ultimately decided that she was not wanting to get back together even after acting interested, don't act too quickly this time either. She is acting out of pure desperation by doing all those things, contacting your friends and family, making a scene on Facebook. Her ego is reacting to the fact that she finally sees you moving on and it might not be genuine feelings for you that are really making her say all this stuff. She should understand after how many times she let you down that you aren't just going to come back right away. She shouldn't be the one giving the ultimatums that you either give her a chance now or it's gone for good. That proves even more that what she wants more than anything is just to get you to make a drastic change in direction and show her that you are willing to slow down your moving away from her. I bet it could be the exact same thing again where as soon as you back down and start to open up to her, she'll swerve again and say no thanks to a committed relationship with you. As others have said you're kinda playing with fire to want to keep more than one option open for yourself right now, but I see a small window of opportunity for you to do so if you really feel like risking it. Tell your ex that one fantastic display of making a scene and contacting all of your people and leaving voicemails isn't going to make you believe it right away. There's been times where you suggested getting back together and she said no, there's been times where she has said she will not give up her casual dating, and you are wary that it will happen again. So she needs to just chill out for a while and prove that she really means these things she is saying. Don't let her call all the shots on you, turn the tables and tell her that if SHE is so serious about this, she will understand that you want to see she feels the same way for a few more weeks before you even consider it. And in the meantime I suppose you could sneak in a few more dates with the new girl and see if that is really going to go anywhere or not. But you do absolutely run the risk of all of this blowing up in your face and you end up with neither of them. The safest bet is to blow off your ex who has shown time and time again that she won't make up her mind about this, and commit to not letting any new relationship with someone else just be a rebound. Or if you really feel vulnerable to getting yourself in a rebound situation then maybe you just don't need anybody right now. This was really helpful. I absolutely used this piece of advice in making my decision. I really appreciate the advice and used it to help solidify my relationship with this new woman. I hope it works out. And for the record, you were also right about the ex. She's sad, but understands and in fact gave her blessing for me to date this other woman. It was nice of her...and hopefully that altruistic action will make her feel better about herself and her future. Thanks again.
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