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I'm planning to cheat back on my husband

MayFlowers

By MayFlowers
in Infidelity

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2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
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Instead of creating more pain for someone else outside my M - I found it more useful to hold onto my integrity by divorcing him.

  • Like 3
Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Forget about him because he doesn't deserve your consideration but think twice about involving an innocent third party in this.

GLDheart Established Member

GLDheart

Posted
Posted (edited)

The anger is normal. I think you need a time out from this relationship. Let him worry about you out screwing other guys while you take an official time out. Do whatever you want with this new free time. Visit old friends, take up a hobby, actually screw other guys. Let him know it's "me" time. Once you do this HIS mind movies will drive him crazy. It doesnt matter if you hid out in a nunnery. He will be thinking the WORST. Make sure he stews for a bit.

 

I'm usually not a fan of game playing. However, we all know you could go out and get laid any night of the week. That's not really what you want. You want him to feel the same insecurity, the same empty feeling of loss, the same dread of thinking someone else is touching what was once sacred...

 

If while you are taking some alone time, you REALLY miss him, maybe then you will think forgiving him is worth it. If you don't miss him, that tells you something too.

Edited by GLDheart
  • Like 3
Furious Established Member

Furious

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Oh May . . . run . . . run as fast as you can.

 

You have no idea how fortunate you are to have found out about his true character before you ever had children.

 

Run and don't ever look back.

 

I agree with Alice

 

Since you're so young and don't have kids and the fact he cheated on you this early in your marriage in a clear sign that he has some serious commitment issues.

 

Count yourself lucky that you didn't start a family with him and discovered his true character years down the road.

  • Like 1
Mme. Chaucer Established Member

Mme. Chaucer

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What are YOUR ethics? Are they relative to how another person behaves? Do you consider yourself a cheater? Do you want to earn that title?

 

I know how bad you feel. I think what will probably help you to recover from this is NOT a "revenge affair," but a real separation and possibly, divorce.

 

Stay true to what YOU think is right, for yourself.

  • Like 5
StripeyShirt Member

StripeyShirt

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Hello May, your anger and frustration is really heartbreaking. I do understand your need to have some revenge. But honestly, that simple act of sleeping with another man will give you a little bit of satisfaction and a lot of bitterness. Please dont use your body to hurt someone else. You will hut yourself so much more in the long run, and you are worth more than that.

 

You also dont need to give him any ammunition to throw stones yor way in case you decide to divorce. Stay squeaky clean and tread the higher moral ground.

 

Put on the biggest act of your life, act like you are the bees knees, like you dont give flying f**k about him, carry on with your life, and make a plan to end the marriage and start a beautiful new life without him.

  • Like 2
Bugz Bunny Member

Bugz Bunny

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You are young.

 

You dont have kids.

 

Dont cheat,dont be like him.Just divorce him because you are the kind of person that cant get over stuff like this and you will never be happy with him again.Cheating is just a dealbreaker for you and its ok (Its a dealbreaker for me too)...So divorce and find someone who will respect and love you like you deserve...

 

Good Luck...

NotCamelot Established Member

NotCamelot

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From what you say, it sounds like he really is sorry and really is trying. BUT....it takes two to make a marriage work. If you are at the point where you really think you can screw someone in order to hurt your H, then you may be past the point of making this work.

 

As one who has been betrayed, there is no way that I could do that to my wife regardless. I care too much and love her too much cause her the hurt that I felt. And, again, if you could do that to him, there is more than revenge that you need to worry about.

 

As good as you say you have been to him, there are millions of guys who will treat you like a queen. Don't lower yourself to the level of a cheater......you will regret it. It may make you feel better for a minute....but probably only for a minute.

 

Let him experience life without you. Even though you are not doing all the things you did before, you are still there, ever present and ever faithful....and that still means something to him. If he has to be alone, he will either try to woo you back or he will return to other women. Regardless, you will know what you are dealing with then. You will also know what you really want.

 

It won't be easy. I know. I forgave and am reconciling. But I certainly can understand you situation and I wish you the best.

scatterd Established Member

scatterd

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I am so sorry you are hurting. I know the feeling well.

Even though its been a year some people need more time to heal. Each time it happened to me I was the faithful good wife. I was also beat on in two of my marriages. Yes I have been divorced twice and that hurt is just as bad. My Dad was in the military and my whole family does not believe in cheating. But that does not mean that whom I married had the same bringing up.Its is hard to understand why you get cheated on especially when you give it your all. You have to understand its not that you have something wrong with you, they would do it with anyone. Some people need a ego boost from others to validate they are still sexy or what ever. Maybe your husband will never do this again he loves you enough to go to counseling to try to fix why he cheated. Try reading the book suggested and give your self more time. If you can not fix it you might have no choice but to leave. Your still young enough that you can move on if you wanted. Do not bring your morals down because your husband did. You would beat your self up for it. know you are going to have click that plays the affair in your mind. What you are going through is normal but in time it will be less and less. Sit down with him and tell him about your pain and what is making you angry and you are still having a hard time. I hope you find peace soon. Big Hugs

eeyore1981 Established Member

eeyore1981

Posted
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I told my husband after he "gave me permission" to have a revenge affair that firstly, my morals would'nt allow me to do that, and secondly, after feeling the total devastation that his infidelity caused I could never do that to another person. I wouldn't be able to live with it. NOTHING excuses cheating, not even being cheated on. If being cheated on is a "dealbreaker" then get a divorce and move on.

 

I'm responding to stuff you posted in my quote that isn't going to show up on here.

 

You say when someone cheats in a marriage it doesn't dissolve the marriage. I never said it did. I said (and it is actually in print and can be gone back and looked at again) when someone cheats the marriage is no longer monogamous. A monogamous marriage involves two and only two people, specifically the two people who took vows to be faithful to each other. Once one of those people breaks that vow, the vow is broken for both. This addresses your second point as well, again, it's only cheating when there's a monogamous relationship.

 

 

Then you said something about still being a member of a club. So, you're a card carrying member of the faithful club. What does that even mean? IMO, the only value to that is what you yourself place on it, it doesn't necessarily hold the same value for others, like your husband and my husband. Not to minimize cheating, but it's kind of like when you're going down the highway and you see the signs for road construction. You can be a good citizen and get in the lane you're supposed to be in, or you can run up ahead and cause a traffic jam for the good citizens because you feel you are superior and should not have to wait your turn. Say you're one of the good guys. So you can feel good about yourself, but the reality is you're stuck in traffic that's barely moving while the jerks that are causing the problem are actually getting to jump the line and continue on with their lives...So really, what's the payoff for being the good guy, being late to work?

 

I really feel like you (not you personally) have to have a streak of masochism and martyrdom to really believe the 'high road' is all that great.

 

As far as cheating being a dealbreaker and so get a divorce, why? The cheater didn't get a divorce, they cheated. Sometimes and eye for an eye is the way to go, and sometimes it's a matter of self-defense. Sometimes the betrayed maybe need to go and check it out, see (just like their spouse did) if there is something better out there before they give up what they have.

Owl Established Member

Owl

Posted
Posted

I'll keep my response short and simple.

 

You don't want to reconcile the marriage. That's ok...nothing wrong with that choice.

 

Then divorce.

 

Don't lower yourself and cheat...just end the marriage and be done with it.

  • Like 3
goodthingscome Established Member

goodthingscome

Posted
Posted

Eeyore, in my case, my marriage as I knew it was gone/dissolved due to my husbands betrayal. That was what was meant by my post. I disagree that once one of the people breaks their vows, the vow is broken by both. I didn't break my vows, he did. Sure, we both paid for what he did but I held up my end of the bargain.

 

And yes I am figuratively speaking a club member, and I don't expect it to mean anything to anyone but myself. I am not going to apologize for trying to be the best person/wife I can be and while I am far from perfect, I would rather be late for work then be "that jerk".

 

I don't think people that take the "high road" as you put it have streaks of masochism and martyrdom unless they are taking it for the wrong reasons. I take it because it's what makes me a better person, IMHO.

 

As to the dealbreaker (divorce) The Bible allows divorce due to infidelity. It is one of the most selfish acts of betrayal a person can commit. It destroys whole families, how could any good come out of such a horrible decision?

 

It appears I came across as pompous and better than others, and I apologize,because I am not. But I will never apologize for my integrity and ethics.

eeyore1981 Established Member

eeyore1981

Posted
Posted
Eeyore, in my case, my marriage as I knew it was gone/dissolved due to my husbands betrayal. That was what was meant by my post. I disagree that once one of the people breaks their vows, the vow is broken by both. I didn't break my vows, he did. Sure, we both paid for what he did but I held up my end of the bargain.

 

And yes I am figuratively speaking a club member, and I don't expect it to mean anything to anyone but myself. I am not going to apologize for trying to be the best person/wife I can be and while I am far from perfect, I would rather be late for work then be "that jerk".

 

I don't think people that take the "high road" as you put it have streaks of masochism and martyrdom unless they are taking it for the wrong reasons. I take it because it's what makes me a better person, IMHO.

 

As to the dealbreaker (divorce) The Bible allows divorce due to infidelity. It is one of the most selfish acts of betrayal a person can commit. It destroys whole families, how could any good come out of such a horrible decision?

 

It appears I came across as pompous and better than others, and I apologize,because I am not. But I will never apologize for my integrity and ethics.

 

I think part of the problem here is some miscommunication. Your husband cheating did not mean YOU BROKE YOUR vow, that's not what I said. I said the vow is broken FOR both. That doesn't mean you have to run out and act on it, it doesn't mean you have to go bed another man, all it means is it's not the same thing as it would have been before. BBM. The Bible does allow for divorce due to infidelity, and allows for remarriage. However, if you divorce for reasons other than infidelity (or abuse) what are you considered in the Bible if you remarry? An adulterer. So even the Bible agrees with me.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

You have every right to be angry. You are more than lucky you do not have children. Why not divorce and start anew with someone who respects you? Once you are away from his cheating face it will be easier to heal. I can promise you cheating to get back at him will not work and more than likely he will cheat again.

eeyore1981 Established Member

eeyore1981

Posted
Posted
Eeyore, in my case, my marriage as I knew it was gone/dissolved due to my husbands betrayal. That was what was meant by my post. I disagree that once one of the people breaks their vows, the vow is broken by both. I didn't break my vows, he did. Sure, we both paid for what he did but I held up my end of the bargain.

 

And yes I am figuratively speaking a club member, and I don't expect it to mean anything to anyone but myself. I am not going to apologize for trying to be the best person/wife I can be and while I am far from perfect, I would rather be late for work then be "that jerk".

 

I don't think people that take the "high road" as you put it have streaks of masochism and martyrdom unless they are taking it for the wrong reasons. I take it because it's what makes me a better person, IMHO.

 

As to the dealbreaker (divorce) The Bible allows divorce due to infidelity. It is one of the most selfish acts of betrayal a person can commit. It destroys whole families, how could any good come out of such a horrible decision?

 

It appears I came across as pompous and better than others, and I apologize,because I am not. But I will never apologize for my integrity and ethics.

 

Also, if I'm reading this correctly, you terminated your marriage, so it's a little different for those of us who didn't.

goodthingscome Established Member

goodthingscome

Posted
Posted
Also, if I'm reading this correctly, you terminated your marriage, so it's a little different for those of us who didn't.

 

No, I didn't divorce my husband. Reconciling is one of the hardest things I've ever done and without his commitment and remorse I can't say I wouldn't have. I love my husband but I (and he) hate what he did.

eeyore1981 Established Member

eeyore1981

Posted
Posted
No, I didn't divorce my husband. Reconciling is one of the hardest things I've ever done and without his commitment and remorse I can't say I wouldn't have. I love my husband but I (and he) hate what he did.

 

I'm glad things have worked out for you.

frozensprouts Established Member

frozensprouts

Posted
Posted

it sounds as if you are making this decision out of anger, and often things done in anger come back to bite you later on. If you heat, and heating is normally something that goes against your value system, then you may well find that you don't like yourself very much once the anger has faded and you're left with nothing but the fact that you became someone you are not.

 

Don't let his actions do that to you...

 

Take some time away from him. Get your head on straight. Legally separate if that's what you feel you need to do. Give yourself time to think and to make decisions free from his influence. figure out what's best for you, and then decide what steps you need to take to make that happen.

 

i don't want to sound condescending to you, but you really are young and you have so many more years in front of you to live your life and be happy...focus on making that happen, and not so on getting back at him.

 

best of luck to you

road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted

Seems the original poster has left the building.

 

I hope it was to buy the book and now is reading it.

BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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Posted

I could write a book here but I'm going to avoid that. If you haven't seen it, there's anoher thread here that got a lot of responses.

 

After having one of my own, what I learned is that a revenge affair is like drinking a poison in hopes that the other person will die.

 

Most importantly, it doesn't get rid of your anger as you are hoping it will do. Afterwards, you will be mad at him because this is what you have now become. You'll be mad that he still brought you both to this awful place. You will still have mind movies. But you'll be far less justified in anything you have to say (if you feel you have the right to say anything at all).

 

Please make decisions with your head, not with your heart. I'm sorry you find yourself here. Good luck.

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