TG1 Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I have a feeling that my girlfriend is going to flake on me, and when I mean flake, I mean I made plans with her asking her if she wanted to come over to my place and she told me she would have an answer for me by Thursday but I just can't help but shake the feeling that she is going to flake on me for the millionth time. I want to believe that she will come through and not flake but I just have the feeling that I already know what is going to happen. I have flaked on her in the past as well but generally most of the time I always came through but I really hope she doesn't cancel on me I even went as far as to tell her that she doesn't even need to spend time with me if she doesn't want to, and that she didn't have to give me an answer now but I have a feeling that her answer is going to be NO already and if it is, then I am not going to bother to concern myself Link to post Share on other sites
Author TG1 Posted August 5, 2012 Author Share Posted August 5, 2012 Because I made these plans with her yesterday because I actually saw her face to face and today I just called her not that long ago, I'm hopeful but at the same time kind of wearing my heart on my sleeve but still I even said that she didn't have to spend time with me if she didn't want to and it's not like I'm forcing her to either Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 You are needy. Ignore her for two weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TG1 Posted August 5, 2012 Author Share Posted August 5, 2012 What should I do, not get my hopes up or what? Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I thought you two had a big chat recently, and you got a lot of this stuff off your chest. Or am I presuming here, and you just got back together without actually addressing any of the issues you were having? You need to be honest about how fragile you are. You have had a tough upbringing and blame this for your feelings of paranoia in this relationship. She needs to understand that, and if she can't be sensitive about this - and follow through on her words with her behaviour, so you can finally trust her, then this will just continue to be painful for both of you. Can you explain what you two talked about after your 'break'? Link to post Share on other sites
yongyong Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 What's the difference between You and a Dog? Dogs can't do anything when the owner doesn't spend enough time with him. Instead of waiting for her to hangout with you like a Dog, go hit on other chicks. When you have couple other options, you wouldn't care this much. Banging that other chick is up to your discretion. Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 What should I do, not get my hopes up or what? Well, reading your post I think you will not be able to 'not get your hopes up'. Try to keep your dignity and to not show your desperation so much. Contact her once, or wait until she contacts you. Don't smother her. Link to post Share on other sites
DuchessKaye Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 The worst thing you can do is to panic and the best thing you can do is to get a life and keep yourself busy so that you’ll rarely have time to think about her flaking on you. If she flakes, then just get over it, let it go and move on! Link to post Share on other sites
henderson14 Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 I have a feeling that my girlfriend is going to flake on me, and when I mean flake, I mean I made plans with her asking her if she wanted to come over to my place and she told me she would have an answer for me by Thursday but I just can't help but shake the feeling that she is going to flake on me for the millionth time. I want to believe that she will come through and not flake but I just have the feeling that I already know what is going to happen. I have flaked on her in the past as well but generally most of the time I always came through but I really hope she doesn't cancel on me I even went as far as to tell her that she doesn't even need to spend time with me if she doesn't want to, and that she didn't have to give me an answer now but I have a feeling that her answer is going to be NO already and if it is, then I am not going to bother to concern myself Sounds like a new relationship. You should be discussing this with her and not us. Link to post Share on other sites
tivoconga Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 (edited) .................. Edited August 6, 2012 by tivoconga Link to post Share on other sites
Author TG1 Posted August 6, 2012 Author Share Posted August 6, 2012 I thought you two had a big chat recently, and you got a lot of this stuff off your chest. Or am I presuming here, and you just got back together without actually addressing any of the issues you were having? You need to be honest about how fragile you are. You have had a tough upbringing and blame this for your feelings of paranoia in this relationship. She needs to understand that, and if she can't be sensitive about this - and follow through on her words with her behaviour, so you can finally trust her, then this will just continue to be painful for both of you. Can you explain what you two talked about after your 'break'? Yes I apologized to her about our break but then we got into just why I asked her for one in the first place and then she said she still wanted to be with me and that she didn't want a break in the first place and that we had to work on our issues and as of today I just got into another fight with her but it was something that I did and I tried apologizing for it but it is clear she is mad at me right now, so I should give her time and space away from me, and I even told her that she doesn't have to come see me anymore, trying NC for a while, and I will see how it goes Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Yes I apologized to her about our break but then we got into just why I asked her for one in the first place and then she said she still wanted to be with me and that she didn't want a break in the first place and that we had to work on our issues and as of today I just got into another fight with her but it was something that I did and I tried apologizing for it but it is clear she is mad at me right now, so I should give her time and space away from me, and I even told her that she doesn't have to come see me anymore, trying NC for a while, and I will see how it goes Well, from what you've written above, she sounds as though she's responded sensibly. She has stated that she doesn't want to have a break from you but that you two have to work on your issues. What did you fight with her about today? Why are you fighting, when you should be trying your hardest to talk things through - without judgement and blame, as objectively as possible? Your current system seems to be to swing from upsetting her, to ignoring her. This will just erode the trust that remains further. Sometimes, if people are too hurt to talk sensibly, it's wise for them 'take a breather' but they need to reassure their partner they want to sort things out, and will be back. Write to your girl, saying you are sorry for what you've done today (if you are) and that you would like to talk about it, as soon as she's ready. Tell her you love her. Then, spend your time addressing the issues you clearly have. Read some books that will help you to deal with your fear of abandonment, do activities you enjoy that will build your self-esteem, and seriously consider finding a therapist to help you understand your irrational behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
Devon5 Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Accept her decision and never be confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TG1 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Share Posted August 7, 2012 Well, from what you've written above, she sounds as though she's responded sensibly. She has stated that she doesn't want to have a break from you but that you two have to work on your issues. What did you fight with her about today? Why are you fighting, when you should be trying your hardest to talk things through - without judgement and blame, as objectively as possible? Your current system seems to be to swing from upsetting her, to ignoring her. This will just erode the trust that remains further. Sometimes, if people are too hurt to talk sensibly, it's wise for them 'take a breather' but they need to reassure their partner they want to sort things out, and will be back. Write to your girl, saying you are sorry for what you've done today (if you are) and that you would like to talk about it, as soon as she's ready. Tell her you love her. Then, spend your time addressing the issues you clearly have. Read some books that will help you to deal with your fear of abandonment, do activities you enjoy that will build your self-esteem, and seriously consider finding a therapist to help you understand your irrational behaviour. But at the same time I feel like if I give into her, I will be letting her win here and granted I was the one who did something stupid, yes I am not going to deny that but still after what she said to me yesterday, I am really starting to question my relationship with her especially since she said she didn't want to be with me anymore, and I told her that if that is how she really feels, she should just leave and I am not going to keep her in the relationship anymore, if she wants to walk out, she can, I'm not going to stop her, but I don't know if I can be with someone who I constantly fight with because I want to be in a relationship where I'm happy all the time instead of being in one where I am happy one minute but then miserable the next Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 You haven't said what you did that was 'stupid', so it's really difficult to judge who's to blame here. But that seems to be all your relationship has been about for the past week (at least). There are two things I get from your posts: 1. So much of this relationship equates to a power struggle for you. A relationship should not be focused on who has the power. It's childish and unfulfilling. You always have a choice about when and how you interact with others. Remember you are in control of your happiness, and these power struggles become meaningless. 2. You seem to find it difficult to take full responsibility for your part of the unhappiness in your relationship. Not so much about who did what to whom, but what you can do to change things. You give in easily, saying general things like 'we fight too much'. That may be so, but why are you fighting? If you have tried your hardest: learnt how to improve your communication skills with a partner; compromised; dealt with your issues from your past, etc. Then why haven't you walked away? If two people are fighting in a relationship, two people are to blame. It may be time to call it quits. From your posts I get the impression that neither of you are really ready for a committed relationship. You need to address your fears (which are based in how you were treated as a kid). She needs to learn not to threaten to 'jump ship' every time the boat is rocked. I suggest you tell her what you're thinking. You're still in this relationship, you owe her your honesty. But, remember, if you end it: that's it. No going back. Be prepared for that reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TG1 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Share Posted August 7, 2012 You haven't said what you did that was 'stupid', so it's really difficult to judge who's to blame here. But that seems to be all your relationship has been about for the past week (at least). There are two things I get from your posts: 1. So much of this relationship equates to a power struggle for you. A relationship should not be focused on who has the power. It's childish and unfulfilling. You always have a choice about when and how you interact with others. Remember you are in control of your happiness, and these power struggles become meaningless. 2. You seem to find it difficult to take full responsibility for your part of the unhappiness in your relationship. Not so much about who did what to whom, but what you can do to change things. You give in easily, saying general things like 'we fight too much'. That may be so, but why are you fighting? If you have tried your hardest: learnt how to improve your communication skills with a partner; compromised; dealt with your issues from your past, etc. Then why haven't you walked away? If two people are fighting in a relationship, two people are to blame. It may be time to call it quits. From your posts I get the impression that neither of you are really ready for a committed relationship. You need to address your fears (which are based in how you were treated as a kid). She needs to learn not to threaten to 'jump ship' every time the boat is rocked. I suggest you tell her what you're thinking. You're still in this relationship, you owe her your honesty. But, remember, if you end it: that's it. No going back. Be prepared for that reality. Thank you for your advice, really mickleb, I want to walk away but at the same time I really can't because I've invested a year and a half almost 2 years into this relationship and I feel that if I leave now, I won't find anyone better or I feel like I will fall back into old patterns but I feel like I want to be happy at the same time all the time Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 Thank you for your advice, really mickleb, I want to walk away but at the same time I really can't because I've invested a year and a half almost 2 years into this relationship and I feel that if I leave now, I won't find anyone better or I feel like I will fall back into old patterns but I feel like I want to be happy at the same time all the time You seem to be saying that she's your emotional crutch. This is not good for you and it's not good for her. You may have invested a significant amount of time in this relationship but you have learnt during this time. You have got something out of it. It has not been a waste of your time. You chose to be with her. If you do not address the problems here, it will turn into 3 years of investment, 5 years etc. A painful, elastic relationship always straining away from each other, then pinging back, out of insecurity. It sounds as is you're tired. If you genuinely believe you have given all you can, you need to cut your losses. Then you need to be alone for a while and working on your stuff. There's quite a bit to go through, there, I think. Still, it's worth telling her all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TG1 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Share Posted August 7, 2012 You seem to be saying that she's your emotional crutch. This is not good for you and it's not good for her. You may have invested a significant amount of time in this relationship but you have learnt during this time. You have got something out of it. It has not been a waste of your time. You chose to be with her. If you do not address the problems here, it will turn into 3 years of investment, 5 years etc. A painful, elastic relationship always straining away from each other, then pinging back, out of insecurity. It sounds as is you're tired. If you genuinely believe you have given all you can, you need to cut your losses. Then you need to be alone for a while and working on your stuff. There's quite a bit to go through, there, I think. Still, it's worth telling her all this. Mickleb, you're right, I do need to be alone for a while hence the reason why I haven't contacted her since Sunday since our fight, and with NC, I feel that if I do that, then I can work on myself Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 Mickleb, you're right, I do need to be alone for a while hence the reason why I haven't contacted her since Sunday since our fight, and with NC, I feel that if I do that, then I can work on myself Okay, honey, but NC happens when a relationship has been declared over. Before that, open and honest communication should be maintained, as much as possible. The work we're talking about here will take a significant amount of time, also. If you want to end it, permanently, you need to tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TG1 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Share Posted August 7, 2012 Okay, honey, but NC happens when a relationship has been declared over. Before that, open and honest communication should be maintained, as much as possible. The work we're talking about here will take a significant amount of time, also. If you want to end it, permanently, you need to tell her. Yes I know it will take a significant amount of time but I feel like if I am going to stay in this relationship, then I have to avoid contact with her for a while, so that way I can work on myself Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 Yes I know it will take a significant amount of time but I feel like if I am going to stay in this relationship, then I have to avoid contact with her for a while, so that way I can work on myself It sounds like you've decided to take another 'break', without telling her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TG1 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Share Posted August 7, 2012 Yes mickleb as it so seems but I feel like I need to work on myself and avoid her for a while because I know that if I do that and I work on my issues, then she will learn to appreciate me more or maybe she might want me back, I don't know Link to post Share on other sites
Author TG1 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Share Posted August 8, 2012 But the distance definitely needs to be there Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 Yes mickleb as it so seems but I feel like I need to work on myself and avoid her for a while because I know that if I do that and I work on my issues, then she will learn to appreciate me more or maybe she might want me back, I don't know You need to work on your own issues, for your own sake, not to try to influence anyone else's behaviour. She wasn't happy the last time you suggested taking a break, was she? Why don't you contact her to say that the two of you seem to be struggling to make things work at the moment. Tell her you know you need to work on stuff and that you feel she doesn't want to be around you at the moment, either. Say you want to try to make things work, but need a little space to get your head straight (not 'a break'). Tell her you don't want her to feel abandoned by you, so ask her to contact you when she wants to - but to understand that you might not be ready to talk about things as much as she would like to. Say you will be able to shortly, though, and that you promise you will let her know as soon as you are. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TG1 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 You need to work on your own issues, for your own sake, not to try to influence anyone else's behaviour. She wasn't happy the last time you suggested taking a break, was she? Why don't you contact her to say that the two of you seem to be struggling to make things work at the moment. Tell her you know you need to work on stuff and that you feel she doesn't want to be around you at the moment, either. Say you want to try to make things work, but need a little space to get your head straight (not 'a break'). Tell her you don't want her to feel abandoned by you, so ask her to contact you when she wants to - but to understand that you might not be ready to talk about things as much as she would like to. Say you will be able to shortly, though, and that you promise you will let her know as soon as you are. What do you think? Yes I guess I can somewhat see your point Link to post Share on other sites
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