Starting over again, need MM to make a decision once and for all

August 6, 2012

Without someone else, my only option for achieving that is to save as much as possible for retirement, which I'm starting to work on, because I may never have someone willing to be with me.

I should hope so; aren't you close to retirement age now?

August 6, 2012

What kind of man would he be if he DOESN'T leave her for me?

We broke vows to be together. This wasn't a drunken fling or a heat of the moment thing. We CHOSE to be together. He made love to me and that's a COMMITMENT to a relationship. This has to work out or he has to decide it was all a mistake and he loves her and wants to be with her.

I know he cares about his wife, but if he was in love with her, he couldn't be in love with me. If he was in love with her and committed to her but having sex with me with no intention of leaving her for me, then that makes him a horrible person.

I don't believe she's in love with him. The many times she talked to me, never once did she say she loves him or she can't live without him or he's her life or please don't take away my happiness. She said things like "take him if you want him but that house and those kids and all of the money he has is mine and if he leaves, I'll make him pay for it for the rest of his life." And, "his problem is that he's just too highly sexed, that's why he's with you, he just needs more than a person should expect".

It's sad to find the love of your life after you've made a commitment to someone else, but it happens sometimes. Sex without love and commitment is wrong. The minute he made love to me, his relationship with his wife and mine with my husband was over and ours began and the rest of this is just wading through all of the crap that has to be sorted out.

I just need to figure out how to get him to take action one way or another and to control myself and have faith and patience while I wait. If I had a friend I could talk to about this, I could call her when I had the urge to call him and I could vent about when I was scared or angry, but I can't tell my friends about it this time and it's really hard to deal with having a relationship that you can't talk to anyone about.

But you continued to have sex with your last husband while you were seeing the MM, and I imagine the MM has sex with his wife at least occasionally too, so clearly the act of having sex isn't really a commitment to anything.

Look I'm sure the feelings the MM has for his wife are not the same as the feelings he has for you, but that doesn't mean that his feelings for his wife are less valuable. It's hard to have hot sexy chemistry laden passion for a person you have lived with for years and years on end. Childbirth, raising children, in-law problems, medical crisis, going through health problems, losing loved ones to death, financial issues, the arrival of grandchildren etc are all things that kind of take the sexy out of a relationship but they are also the things that can bond two people together like family and family bonds are usually much stronger and run much deeper than romantic bonds. I have been deeply deeply in love a few times in my life and I have loved my family deeply as well. Guess who has stuck by me through the years and who is still with me to this day. My family. I don't have sexy hot lovin with my family but they are the deepest bonds I know and I value what I have with them immensely. I've seen several OW/OM disparage a marriage just because the marriage is lacking the same passion and intensity as the affair, however usually when push comes to shove and the cheating spouse has to make a decision they choose the stability and security of the marital love instead of the obsessive passion of the affair love because they have greater faith and see more security in sticking with their family and continuing to receive that familial love. I'm always surprised when people talk about married love as though it's worthless because it's not hot and passionate. This is a mistake in my opinion because often this love is the one that runs the deepest. I would love to meet a man, fall madly in love, have passionate sex, bare my soul, etc etc, however said man could just f**k off if he thinks for one second I'm going to sacrafice any of my family ties for him..lol.

OW and betrayed spouses rarely want to show their hurt and vulnerability to each other so I wouldn't take anything his wife said to you too seriously. If I was married and my husband cheated on me I might cry and let my deepest hurt show to someone who really cares about me but I sure as heck wouldn't be showing that side of me to the OW. When she spoke to you she was letting you know that she wasn't going to back down and she was prepared to fight for her marriage. You thought she should cry to you and ask you to please don't take away her happiness? LOL..why would she show such weakness to her enemy? She saved that for the ones who cared for her and who are on her side.

August 6, 2012

If I could picture my ideal life it would be having a man to pour out all of my love and affection on every day and be able to stay home and keep a perfect house for him and make all his favorite foods so he would tell me I'm a good cook and please him in bed so he'd say I'm incredible and be his assistant in his business so he can think I'm helpful and clever.

Wow! I don't think many women can relate to your goal of wanting to live for a man. Don't any of your other relationships hold any value to you? Someone mentioned that you are a grandma. Do you getting any joy out of that at all?

So if all you want is a man to support you while you stay home and cook and clean and make yourself pretty and try to to sound clever, then for the love of God! Stop wasting your valuable time on this MM and go find someone wants what you want.

August 6, 2012

Alex35, are you a guy or girl?

August 6, 2012

Love shouldnt need to include "manipulation" - which is what your crying is = manipulation.

Youtryingto"control" him and this outcome is bound to turns to a very bad scene.

August 6, 2012

It appears her entire life does not have a whole lot of value for her. Everything that she mentions is only of value if a man is involved to guide and control what she does.

All the while she is lying and manipulating and trying to control HIM!

No wonder it's all so backwards.

The ONLY one YOU can control is YOU! And you are using so much negative energy to control others.

August 6, 2012

What kind of man would he be if he DOESN'T leave her for me?

We broke vows to be together. This wasn't a drunken fling or a heat of the moment thing. We CHOSE to be together. He made love to me and that's a COMMITMENT to a relationship. This has to work out or he has to decide it was all a mistake and he loves her and wants to be with her.

I know he cares about his wife, but if he was in love with her, he couldn't be in love with me. If he was in love with her and committed to her but having sex with me with no intention of leaving her for me, then that makes him a horrible person.

I don't believe she's in love with him. The many times she talked to me, never once did she say she loves him or she can't live without him or he's her life or please don't take away my happiness. She said things like "take him if you want him but that house and those kids and all of the money he has is mine and if he leaves, I'll make him pay for it for the rest of his life." And, "his problem is that he's just too highly sexed, that's why he's with you, he just needs more than a person should expect".

It's sad to find the love of your life after you've made a commitment to someone else, but it happens sometimes. Sex without love and commitment is wrong. The minute he made love to me, his relationship with his wife and mine with my husband was over and ours began and the rest of this is just wading through all of the crap that has to be sorted out.

I just need to figure out how to get him to take action one way or another and to control myself and have faith and patience while I wait. If I had a friend I could talk to about this, I could call her when I had the urge to call him and I could vent about when I was scared or angry, but I can't tell my friends about it this time and it's really hard to deal with having a relationship that you can't talk to anyone about.

Jolene

having sex/making love does not mean you are committed to a relationship. It just doesn't

This man has children with his wife so they apparently made love at some point and probably are continuing to do so. His having sex with her didn't make him any more committed to her and his having sex with you doesn't make him committed to a relationship with you.

AND

His wife is under no obligation to pour out her feelings about her husband to you. The fact that she didn't tell YOU that she loves him is not proof that she doesn't.

But really it doesn't matter how she feels about him or it shouldn't as far as you are concerned. You have been in his life for 17 years and he is still in the marriage.

Do you believe he thinks the financials of the situation will be better a few years down the road?

Do you believe he thinks his health or her health is going to improve with age?

What is it that you think will happen/change in a few years that will make a difference and make him suddenly take action and leave the marriage?

AND Jolene

There are pages and pages of posts from people all pretty much telling you the same thing. There is nothing you can do to make this man leave. AND if you did take some action to get him out of the house there is no guarantee that he would run into a committed/exclusive relationship with you.

17 years is a long time to wade through crap to try to get to your happily ever after.

August 6, 2012

Alex35, are you a guy or girl?

LOL...I'm pretty sure Alexandria is a female name.

August 6, 2012

I don't know if you were able to find a therapist for yourself after all. I see you went to MC, so maybe you did end up in IC too. Your kids' therapist was unprofessional to not give you an explanation (which was probably that he wasn't feeling confident enough to take you as a patient - he might have lacked experience with dealing with the problems you had).

The most tragic event to me of everything that happened to you is losing your son. You also wrote that at some point you wanted to kill yourself, so if you are not seeing a therapist, please find one that you like. It's a safety net that you really need.

You need to prepare yourself mentally in the event that MM won't leave. The chances look very slim from the outside. Maybe he will, but what if he doesn't? It's a really healthy thing that you want to get to a resolution, but please do consider that he might choose to stay with his wife. More time, as you've seen, hasn't solved much. 17 years is a looot of time.

August 6, 2012

The most tragic event to me of everything that happened to you is losing your son. You also wrote that at some point you wanted to kill yourself, so if you are not seeing a therapist, please find one that you like. It's a safety net that you really need.

I' m so sorry Jolene. I skimmed over parts of your op and didn't pick up the part where you said your son had committed suicide. Jolene you need a good therapist. I'm not saying you're crazy or mentally ill but you have had a great tragedy and I couldn't go through something like that myself without some professional help, I just know for sure I couldn't do it without a lot of assistance and help. I am so sorry that you lost your son.

I'm not wanting to pick at old scars but is it possible that this intense focus you have on getting the MM is somehow a bit of a buffer between you and the pain you have experienced in other areas of your life. Like is it easier to make everything in your life all about him and obtaining him than it is to face and reflect on the real tragedies in your life? I'm just wondering if it's possible that you are using the MM in some way to protect yourself from certain realities, as you do seem somewhat disconnected from reality in some ways.

August 6, 2012

My honest suspicion is that you may have Borderline Personality Disorder. The reasons I think this is because drama is a hallmark of this disorder. Another symptom is suicidal thoughts. You also seem to always need a man, which is common in Borderline women. You also feel like everything just happens to you- there is no accountability. Also, you have sexual abuse or rape in your past, which is a common demoninator for most Borderlines.

This may be why the counselor refused to see you. Many counselors will not treat Borderlines because of the poor outcome and the unwillingness of the patients to comply with treatment. My sister is a Borderline and it has been difficult to find therapists willing to treat her.

I could be absolutely wrong, but your story had me thinking Borderline from the first post, as your thought process is very similar to my sister.

August 6, 2012

These are all good points. There is NO WAY to make a MM leave. He either leaves, or he doesn't, but that's his choice.

I gotta nitpick here LFH.

MM can stay M precisely because the W doesn't know - and she has equal power in deciding to be M. What I mean is the W can ALSO file for D.

So, tell her. Tell. The W.

No matter what happens after that, everyone wins.

Provided the OW wants that "happy ever after" with the MM...in your case, even though you love him you don't want him as a life partner. However, in OP's case, she DOES - and she's got nothing to lose.

Nit pick over

August 6, 2012

I said to myself I wasn't going to reply anymore but well here I am again.

Jolene, you don't acknowledge any of the posts about finding your own happiness and how dangerous and destructive your insistence is on making this man your whole life and your happiness depends on him and if he leaves. It's all about him, how you can have him, why you got to have him and how you can get him.

I'm really afraid for you if you don't address what is broken within yourself. I think you are going to waste more years of your life waiting on this man because you can't/won't walk away or else you are going to completely lose the plot and come unglued and either end up hurting yourself or someone else or end up stark raving mad in a mental hospital.

I say none of that to be cruel, I just hope you will wake up and seek help with your obsession about this man before it comes to that. I think you ought to print out this thread and take it to a therapist who can help you sort this out and help you.

But my happiness DOES depend on him. I realize that some people can be content not to have a man, but that's not me. I need this. I need to have a man make me into a real, worthy person. A woman who wants a man and can't get a man is worthless. That's the whole point of life. I've worked my whole life at trying to make a man love me and there are no words a psychiatrist or anybody else could say to me and not drugs they could have me take that would make me stop thinking that having a man to belong to is the point of my existence. If I can't have that I really don't want to be here at all, but I still have people depending on me so I'm trying to find a way to get through this.

Getting divorced is really throwing me for a loop. It's such a relief not to have to have sex with him anymore and not to have to find ways to pay for all of the stuff he insists he has to have, but at least when I was married it LOOKED like I was somebody who mattered. I had somebody standing by my side in public and at least he was company. And I was very very nice to him and tried to compensate him well for that up until I left.

August 6, 2012

I should hope so; aren't you close to retirement age now?

I'm 42. I'm determined to be in a position where I don't have to work full-time anymore by the time I'm 55.

August 6, 2012

But you continued to have sex with your last husband while you were seeing the MM, and I imagine the MM has sex with his wife at least occasionally too, so clearly the act of having sex isn't really a commitment to anything.

Look I'm sure the feelings the MM has for his wife are not the same as the feelings he has for you, but that doesn't mean that his feelings for his wife are less valuable. It's hard to have hot sexy chemistry laden passion for a person you have lived with for years and years on end. Childbirth, raising children, in-law problems, medical crisis, going through health problems, losing loved ones to death, financial issues, the arrival of grandchildren etc are all things that kind of take the sexy out of a relationship but they are also the things that can bond two people together like family and family bonds are usually much stronger and run much deeper than romantic bonds. I have been deeply deeply in love a few times in my life and I have loved my family deeply as well. Guess who has stuck by me through the years and who is still with me to this day. My family. I don't have sexy hot lovin with my family but they are the deepest bonds I know and I value what I have with them immensely. I've seen several OW/OM disparage a marriage just because the marriage is lacking the same passion and intensity as the affair, however usually when push comes to shove and the cheating spouse has to make a decision they choose the stability and security of the marital love instead of the obsessive passion of the affair love because they have greater faith and see more security in sticking with their family and continuing to receive that familial love. I'm always surprised when people talk about married love as though it's worthless because it's not hot and passionate. This is a mistake in my opinion because often this love is the one that runs the deepest. I would love to meet a man, fall madly in love, have passionate sex, bare my soul, etc etc, however said man could just f**k off if he thinks for one second I'm going to sacrafice any of my family ties for him..lol.

OW and betrayed spouses rarely want to show their hurt and vulnerability to each other so I wouldn't take anything his wife said to you too seriously. If I was married and my husband cheated on me I might cry and let my deepest hurt show to someone who really cares about me but I sure as heck wouldn't be showing that side of me to the OW. When she spoke to you she was letting you know that she wasn't going to back down and she was prepared to fight for her marriage. You thought she should cry to you and ask you to please don't take away her happiness? LOL..why would she show such weakness to her enemy? She saved that for the ones who cared for her and who are on her side.

Yes, I continued to have sex with my husband only because I had no choice if he was going to continue to help me to dig out of the mess that he/we created. I dug my fingernails into my hand and let him do what he had to do while doing the minimum required and I felt like a prostitute while I was doing it. I didn't do it because I wanted to, I did it because I had to. If I felt desire towards him and wanted to be with him, there's no way I would have ever considered being with anyone else.

Of course I would expect her to cry and be upset. If the situation was reversed, I would be angry, but I would cry and beg her not to take him. I might have felt sorry for her if she did that. I do feel a bit sorry for her because if he does leave I doubt if she'll ever get another man. Even back then she was overweight and unattractive and bitchy. She hasn't improved with age. Not that being overweight is unattractive in itself - look at Delta Burke - but this woman doesn't even try and she doesn't even try to get him to love her. She leaves him alone and goes out and has her own life. I've seen them in public together and in pictures people have posted and they don't even look or act like a couple. He's very attractive and personable and caring and kind.

I assume he probably still sleeps with her occasionally to keep up appearances, but I try not to think about it.

August 6, 2012

But my happiness DOES depend on him. I realize that some people can be content not to have a man, but that's not me. I need this. I need to have a man make me into a real, worthy person. A woman who wants a man and can't get a man is worthless. That's the whole point of life. I've worked my whole life at trying to make a man love me and there are no words a psychiatrist or anybody else could say to me and not drugs they could have me take that would make me stop thinking that having a man to belong to is the point of my existence. If I can't have that I really don't want to be here at all, but I still have people depending on me so I'm trying to find a way to get through this.

Okay my mouth just dropped.....really. That doesn't happen here and I've read some real doozies.

Joleen, please just entertain with us the thought that it's really likely he's not going to leave. Because you leaving is so fresh, it seems to coincide with his pulling away. We've read about this many times here that when 2 married AP's are together, things drastically change and not usually for the good of the one that left 1st. He's likely feeling the pressure now that you're really going to expect him to leave and for him it was all fantasy talk (wish I could run away, want to stay wrapped in your arms forever talk) it's just not realistic, but I'm afraid you're so far gone that none of this is not only not getting through to you, if it did with your mind set it's likely not going to make sense to you, bc honestly Joleen that's just not rational to think that you are worthless unless you have a man. Wow, just wow.

August 6, 2012

Yes, I continued to have sex with my husband only because I had no choice if he was going to continue to help me to dig out of the mess that he/we created. I dug my fingernails into my hand and let him do what he had to do while doing the minimum required and I felt like a prostitute while I was doing it. I didn't do it because I wanted to, I did it because I had to. If I felt desire towards him and wanted to be with him, there's no way I would have ever considered being with anyone else.

Of course I would expect her to cry and be upset. If the situation was reversed, I would be angry, but I would cry and beg her not to take him. I might have felt sorry for her if she did that. I do feel a bit sorry for her because if he does leave I doubt if she'll ever get another man. Even back then she was overweight and unattractive and bitchy. She hasn't improved with age. Not that being overweight is unattractive in itself - look at Delta Burke - but this woman doesn't even try and she doesn't even try to get him to love her. She leaves him alone and goes out and has her own life. I've seen them in public together and in pictures people have posted and they don't even look or act like a couple. He's very attractive and personable and caring and kind.

I assume he probably still sleeps with her occasionally to keep up appearances, but I try not to think about it.

But she and the majority of women DON'T THINK LIKE YOU. Seriously, there's no way a self respecting woman would do that. She would do exactly as she did and whether or not she has love for him is between her and him and their intimate family, not you an outsider. Sorry but that is just unreal that you would think that's how a woman in that situation would respond.

August 6, 2012

Wow! I don't think many women can relate to your goal of wanting to live for a man. Don't any of your other relationships hold any value to you? Someone mentioned that you are a grandma. Do you getting any joy out of that at all?

So if all you want is a man to support you while you stay home and cook and clean and make yourself pretty and try to to sound clever, then for the love of God! Stop wasting your valuable time on this MM and go find someone wants what you want.

Yes, I enjoy spending time with my grandchild and I do frequently, but I can't make him my life. He's his mom's baby, not mine. I don't have any babies at home to love anymore. I miss having kids and I regret so much that I never got to stay home with them more than a few months at a time. But I can't have any more kids. If I could, I would have had one with MM years ago and at least have something of him to love.

And no, I wouldn't want to switch my career to dealing with kids. I really loved spending time with my own and occasionally my nieces and nephews, but taking care of other people's kids all day long sounds like the 7th circle of hell.

August 6, 2012

Jolene

having sex/making love does not mean you are committed to a relationship. It just doesn't

This man has children with his wife so they apparently made love at some point and probably are continuing to do so. His having sex with her didn't make him any more committed to her and his having sex with you doesn't make him committed to a relationship with you.

AND

His wife is under no obligation to pour out her feelings about her husband to you. The fact that she didn't tell YOU that she loves him is not proof that she doesn't.

But really it doesn't matter how she feels about him or it shouldn't as far as you are concerned. You have been in his life for 17 years and he is still in the marriage.

Do you believe he thinks the financials of the situation will be better a few years down the road?

Do you believe he thinks his health or her health is going to improve with age?

What is it that you think will happen/change in a few years that will make a difference and make him suddenly take action and leave the marriage?

AND Jolene

There are pages and pages of posts from people all pretty much telling you the same thing. There is nothing you can do to make this man leave. AND if you did take some action to get him out of the house there is no guarantee that he would run into a committed/exclusive relationship with you.

17 years is a long time to wade through crap to try to get to your happily ever after.

Yes, I do think the financials will improve in the next few years. He has enough money now to retire from his day job now if he stays with her. He's killing himself taking on every bit of work he can get to build that up to the point that it will be enough for her and for us. As soon as he retires from his day job, alimony will be based on just his income from his business. Which is still a full-time job but one that is flexible and he can slowly turn over to supervisors as it grows. I make significantly more than he'd have to pay in alimony and I have retirement savings too. I also have the time now to take over the administrative work she was doing for his business which I didn't have before. The original plan was for him to leave first then me to go as soon as his divorce was final and he had a place for us requiring him to be able to make it without any contribution from me. That's not a requirement anymore as of the last few weeks.

Yes, I do think her health will improve. He finally put his foot down earlier this year and got her to quit waiting around to get a doctor to qualify her for SS disability and dragged her to a bunch of specialists and now she's going to physical therapy daily. Depending on the progress made, she may need surgery, but the doctors have said that they think they can significantly improve her condition. She's already much better than she was 6 months ago.

August 6, 2012

Appearances to her that he still wants to be with her. At one point several years ago he was having ED problems and he finally got some medication for that and told me that he wasn't going to tell her that he had resolved the problem, that was just for us and they moved into separate bedrooms when they moved. Being with both of us bothered him and this was an excuse to stop.

I have no idea if that situation has changed - it wouldn't surprise me if it did, but honestly I don't want to think about it.

August 6, 2012

:eek:Wow, only three words - you need help.

Apparently you are so damaged, and your mindset is so twisted right now. Again you need heLp, otherwise your whole life will continue to be destructive TILL THE END.

August 6, 2012

Yes, I do think the financials will improve in the next few years. He has enough money now to retire from his day job now if he stays with her. He's killing himself taking on every bit of work he can get to build that up to the point that it will be enough for her and for us. As soon as he retires from his day job, alimony will be based on just his income from his business. Which is still a full-time job but one that is flexible and he can slowly turn over to supervisors as it grows. I make significantly more than he'd have to pay in alimony and I have retirement savings too. I also have the time now to take over the administrative work she was doing for his business which I didn't have before. The original plan was for him to leave first then me to go as soon as his divorce was final and he had a place for us requiring him to be able to make it without any contribution from me. That's not a requirement anymore as of the last few weeks.

Yes, I do think her health will improve. He finally put his foot down earlier this year and got her to quit waiting around to get a doctor to qualify her for SS disability and dragged her to a bunch of specialists and now she's going to physical therapy daily. Depending on the progress made, she may need surgery, but the doctors have said that they think they can significantly improve her condition. She's already much better than she was 6 months ago.

Honest question. Do you know for a fact that's why he's working so much? Is there any chance that he could be working more to offset the medical/PT expenses?

August 6, 2012

Appearances to her that he still wants to be with her. At one point several years ago he was having ED problems and he finally got some medication for that and told me that he wasn't going to tell her that he had resolved the problem, that was just for us and they moved into separate bedrooms when they moved. Being with both of us bothered him and this was an excuse to stop.

I have no idea if that situation has changed - it wouldn't surprise me if it did, but honestly I don't want to think about it.

Not to be mean, but maybe to wake you up. Didn't you say it's been 2 mos since you two were intimate? Didn't you also say the W told you he had a very high sex drive? I would guess you could draw your own conclusions. The truth is still there whether it's given thought or not. The only problem with that is with your mindset, when the truth does eventually come out you will seemingly be blindsided, but the truth has been there all along.

August 6, 2012

My honest suspicion is that you may have Borderline Personality Disorder. The reasons I think this is because drama is a hallmark of this disorder. Another symptom is suicidal thoughts. You also seem to always need a man, which is common in Borderline women. You also feel like everything just happens to you- there is no accountability. Also, you have sexual abuse or rape in your past, which is a common demoninator for most Borderlines.

This may be why the counselor refused to see you. Many counselors will not treat Borderlines because of the poor outcome and the unwillingness of the patients to comply with treatment. My sister is a Borderline and it has been difficult to find therapists willing to treat her.

I could be absolutely wrong, but your story had me thinking Borderline from the first post, as your thought process is very similar to my sister.

In light of her most recent posts, I think you are correct. I also think her MM knows there is something wacky going on here and that this makes it even more unlikely that he is ever going to leave his normal life and run away with a mentally unhealthy person. I also think her crazy is part of what keeps him hooked too. Having been romantically involved with a borerline myself I can attest to being addicted to the good side (the adulation, adoration, passion, affection) while simutaneoulsy being scared to death of the bad side (twisted thinking, emotional dysregulation and outbursts, messed up drama filled life and a host of other unhealthy behaviors and actions). I also understand why she believes she can manipulate the outcome she wants. My ex bf also thought along those lines and even begged me at times to tell him what I wanted him to be so that he could be that person and I wouldn't leave. I used to try to feebly explain that I had concerns about who he really was and that him trying to be someone else wasn't going to allievate my fears. A couple of times he also told me that he would rather have a relationship that was fake and love that was fake rather than have nobody at all and when we would break up he would immediately be out on dates with someone else because he was litterally terrified of being alone. Without external validation he would spiral into a pit of despair and worthlessness. Weirdest experience of my life. His love was obsessive and controlling yet shallow and fickle at the same time. He definitely pined more for people who rejected him and who were out of his reach and that was my hold on him for a long time too, although I didn't realize it at the time. I kept him at arms length most of the time and I would completely walk away from him when he was being nuts. This drove him crazy and made him believe that he wanted me and loved me more than he really did. Frankly, I don't think he loved me at all. He was so needy and unhealthy that he wasn't really capable of honest love.

OP nobody here can say for sure if you have borderline personality disorder but if you do then all of your posts here start to pull together and make sense because you do talk like a person with a personality disorder. Has anyone ever told you that before? Have you ever heard anyone mention the possibility of borderline personality disorder to you? There is a wealth of information about it on the internet and I would recommend that you look into it. I'm not saying that to be mean. If you do have bpd there are treatments for it and you can get better or at least improve somewhat to where you are having a normal life. Some symptoms of bpd inexplicably inprove with age and I suspect that although you have us flabbergasted by some of your posts here you are probably much better now than you were when you were younger. I have seen my exbf improve in some areas over the past ten years too because he has gotten older but he still has a long ways to go before he would be able to have a healthy relationship and he probably never will without professional help.

August 6, 2012

Honest question. Do you know for a fact that's why he's working so much? Is there any chance that he could be working more to offset the medical/PT expenses?

Yes. The medical co-pays are significant, but not anything like the scope of what he's doing. It's enough to cut into money that would otherwise be put in savings or discretionary spending, but it's not enough that he'd need to work more. If she still has these ongoing expenses if they divorce plus having to pay for her insurance, that's going to be more significant.

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