ColumbiaD Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 What do you do when you're angry at your spouse, but there's nothing to do to fix the situation, and discussing it won't help? I was browsing this forum last night and someone in another thread recommended a book, something like 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work. I read some reviews on Amazon, and one mentioned that one happy couple doesn't talk about the things that annoy them about the other partner - they just go do a "time out" activity (not what he called it) and when they come back they act like everything is fine and move on. Does anyone think this actually works? Would you recommend that in my situation? Here are the details: Awhile ago H told me that he was going to a bachelor party for a friend. I like the friend, but just for the record, they are by no means close - they've known each other maybe 1.5 years, and they only talk/see each other maybe 1x/4 months for group get-togethers that they are both invited to. The friend was having a destination bp (not sure if my H was invited, but don't think so), and decided to have a bachelor dinner locally as well. H was invited to the dinner and accepted. The day before the bp H is thinking aloud, wondering if he should stay at the friend's house or another friend's house that lives nearby to him that night. Of course I scoffed and said it's only dinner, there's no reason you shouldn't be able to drive home. This is when he's like "Oh, they changed it, it's dinner and drinks afterward." I told H straight up that he's approaching middle age and married, and that means you come home at night. (For anyone that thinks this is uptight of me, I'm not budging on this point of view. At this stage partying is not an excuse to not come home at night.) I would also like to point out that we know a few other guys (married and in Rs) who were going, and they all had a plan on how to get home, even the ones who were coming from as far away as my H - they were going to splurge on the expensive cab ride. So, here's the first thing I'm mad about: H's response to this was OK, he'll figure it out. Then, after a little pause..."How mad will you be if I stay at John Doe's house? On a scale of 1 to 10. I'm definitely staying there, I just need to know what I'm going to be dealing with." I offered a compromise, which was that he split the cab back to John Doe's house and I would pick him there. H declined. So I said OK, I guess you'll find out how mad I'm going to be if you don't come home after the bp. I definitely don't want him drinking and driving, but it's not like he couldn't afford the cab ride. I'm also going to point out that he has been to several bach parties the last few years, most were out of town for a long weekend, and I didn't give him **** over any of them. It's not like I'm a shrew who doesn't want him to have any fun. Second thing I'm mad about: H didn't text me once to check in the entire night. When I finally texted him he just wrote back "checking in" and "love you". Third thing I'm mad about: apparently the fiance of the bachelor went out with them, or at least met up with them, and after I texted H he asked her to call me. Based on a previous conversation where H was under the mistaken impression that I didn't want him staying at a friend's house because I thought he was going to cheat on me (that idea is completely without merit), I presume that he told her to call me to let me know that he was being a good boy. I'm not sure because I didn't answer. I'm furious because he clearly told her something along the lines of me not trusting him to go out, which is 1. not true and 2. not our friends' business. Fourth: he didn't come home.
xxoo Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 I think you'd benefit as a couple from a book that teaches communication techniques. Or marriage counseling, for the same reason. Did he explain his objection to coming home? Did he ever understand your objection to him staying out overnight? (sounds like no). It is difficult to solve problems if you don't understand each other's pov. Also, it seems like he views you getting angry as something he needs to suffer through, rather than a sign that there is an issue to work through together. Communication is a skill that you each can improve, and it will improve your marriage.
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 I am with you OP. I would lay it on the line, tell him exactly why you are angry. Tell him that it is unacceptable and he might want to think twice about repeating the action. Seriously, who does this at his age? What is he, 21?
Silly_Girl Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I wish I could offer you some advice. I want to kick his ar$e on your behalf
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