AlexanderJames Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Hey everyone. Feelin pretty sad could use some insight or some advice or something I dunno. I found out last night that two of my ex's close friends are both really worried about her. They say she's off the rails and taking too many hard drugs too often. They're worried she's going to hurt herself or worse. Naturally I'm feeling really guilty. My friends tell me that I can't blame myself for her decisions but in my eyes she never would have been put in the position to make these choices if I never hurt her. I feel like its my fault she's doing this to herself. And can't seem to shake the depressing feeling that it's brought on. I know she's doing it to numb the pain I caused. I know no ones forcing her to do it to herself, but it's a very shameful feeling knowing that I tried so hard and showed her that I could make the pain go away but she still chose substance abuse over me. Ahh life, seems to be one thing after another.
blotter Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Hey bro, not your fault she has no coping skills. It's her responsibility to develop those coping skills and no one, including you, can give her those skills. They need to come from within and are usually developed during childhood. She'll have to hit rock bottom and get into therapy to learn how to properly cope with bad things that happen in her life.
2sunny Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 It's not your fault. The choices she's making aren't due to you... It's hers only. The main thing you can do is pray that she changes. Stay far away from her. Get counseling to help yourself understand WHY you feel the need to own HER behavior - its very unhealthy of you.
RogerWallace111 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 yeah man, its sad but its not your problem at this point. that may sound callous or shallow but its the truth. think if the tables were turned and you were numbing your pain with drugs or your poison of choice. even if it were very clearly the heartbreak she left you that caused you to turn to them, would you be able to blame her ?? On a few ocassions ive gotten very drunk with the subconscious but acknowledgeable motivation to kill my sad feelings about muh ex, but I dont find myself waking up hungover/feeling terrible, thinking- "she drove me to this", or blaming it on her. these sh*thole feelings are just a part of life. She should be able to handle it, and if she isn't, its not your problem. Feel sympathetic but not guilty.
RogerWallace111 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 and really,,, try to stop worrying about how you "hurt" her. your own guilt probably plays that up to a much higher importance than it really holds. seriously. even if you were super cruel/mean to her, it should just be a bone to pick between you to. If its really something thats bringing her down and eating away at her, she needs to deal with it herself, as much as that sucks. you think if she did some terrible sh*t to you, she would be there holding your hand through it, apologizing and trying to help you out..? nope, just the way it goes, all is fair in "love"
Author AlexanderJames Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 Thanks guys. Made me feel a bit better. Sunny i don't feel the need to own her behavior at all. I just feel responsible. I dont want to dictate how she copes with her life or what she does. But I do care about her still and I'd hate to see her harm herself. Hypothetical situation: You see someone struggling to get out of their car seat because of their size. You jokingly mutter "what a fatass" to a friend and the person hears you. You find out that night that the man went home and killed themself. You're going to feel terrible yes? And somewhat responsible? Well it's a little more extreme than my situation but you get what I mean. Feeling guilty for making someone turn to substance abuse. Not wanting to be in control of what they do
2sunny Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 You feeling responsible for HER behavior is part and parcel to owning it for her.
Author AlexanderJames Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 What good is it going to do art critic? She's left me alone for almost 2 weeks now and I find out she's using hard drugs all the time. I could contact her and plead with her not to but if she won't listen to her close friends who are worried about her there's no way I'll be of help. Whether she's not messaged me in nearly 2 weeks because I asked for space or cause she's trying herself to move on this space is doing us both good. I can only hope she sorts herself out before she does anything really stupid to herself. Besides I feel slightly better today than I have the past fortnight. And my dreams are getting back to being good dreams, not nightmares. 1
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