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I have a funny feeling about this ... what do you think?

the_entertainer1

By the_entertainer1
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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the_entertainer1 Established Member

the_entertainer1

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Hi :)

 

I wasn't really sure which section was the best place for this thread, so please forgive me if it doesn't go here. I have a bit of an issue that concerns friendship, marriage, attraction and flirting, so I couldn't decide on the right place for it. I chose this section in the hope that some people would be able to give me some good advice ...

 

I'm 23. It's my second year out of college and for the last year, I've been working in the most amazing job. I'm a high-school teacher. I loved the school I was working at but recently (and reluctantly) changed schools in order to broaden my experience and job opportunities.

 

Anyway, I was the youngest teacher at that school. There were a couple of others who were only a couple of years older than me, but the majority of my coworkers were about 35-60. The age difference bothered me at first, but now I'm good friends with many of them.

 

Because I was new to teaching, I had lots of support from everyone. (This is the backstory, I'm getting to the interesting bit!)

 

One man seemed to particularly help me out a bit. We worked in different departments, so technically, didn't have to really interact much. He was one of the first people I met when I started there (along with 2-3 others, we all had to supervise students at after-school sport 2 nights a week). When that finished, he'd occasionally pop by my desk and ask how I was going with my workload (I was given more classes than I probably should have been, considering my inexperience), and help me with little things, like if I had trouble with my computer or the photocopier.

 

The weird thing is, I taught his son. This guy is 50 and married with 2 kids. Everyone always goes on about how he's such a nice guy. (A number of the women have crushes on him, and I have to admit, I developed one too, despite his age). Of course, I respect the fact that he's married and I was always very self-conscious of my actions when I was around him, so he wouldn't find out.

 

Anyway, over the past year, we developed a bit more of a 'friendship', though I wouldn't exactly call it that. To me (perhaps because of the way I felt about him), things always seemed a little awkward. Like, he'd be really nice sometimes, but at other times, he'd avoid eye contact if we passed each other. Sometimes it seemed as if he'd walk in the opposite direction if he saw me coming. I'm not sure if it was a conscious effort to ignore me, but it felt really obvious to me. I didn't think I'd done anything to offend him, so the only other reason for his behaviour seemed to be that he was attracted to me and was trying to distance himself.

 

At our Christmas party last year, I drank about half a glass of champagne more than I should have (I had tried to be responsible and drink a glass of water in between my drinks, so I don't quite know why I got a bit drunk!) and because I was the youngest, he teased me about whether I was even allowed to be drinking, and that I should switch to soft drink. Even six months later, he still jokes about my alcohol consumption that night.

 

Anyway, a couple of days later we were saying goodbye for the holidays. He thanked me for teaching his son, said I'd done a really good job and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. As I'm new to the 'adult' working environment, I'm not sure if that's the done thing or not??

 

When we resumed school after the holidays, things went back to 'normal' with his seemingly 'nice one day and ignoring the next' act. He'd still continue to help me with things, and joke around and tease me a bit. I noticed, though, that sometimes he'd then touch me on the arm or shoulders if he was 'joking around'. I was fine with that - whatever, I guess it seemed harmless enough - but looking back on it, I don't think he interacted with other people in quite the same way. He's not really a 'touchy feely' kind of guy. Now, it's 'teacher thing' to buy chocolates or lollies to occasionally give students. However, amongst the staff, it was a bit of a tradition for us to give these sweets to eachother instead of the kids. I noticed that whenever I gave him one, or he gave one to me, our fingers would brush. (Again, this could have been an accidentally, and I could just be reading too much into it).

 

When I found out that I was leaving the school, I was devastated. It's a prestigious school with great students and fantastic working conditions. But changing schools is the nature of contract work: the person I was replacing had returned from leave. I told him about a month before I finished up and he helped me to come to terms with it. Though he knew I was upset, he would always focus on the positives. I wanted him to acknowledge the fact that I was sad about leaving, but he'd always say stuff like, "at least you have another job" or "it's good experience" or "you don't want to be stuck here forever" and then "you'll get a job back here soon."

 

Anyway, on the Monday of my last week, we passed each other in the corridor. He did a kind of double-take and said "come here." Then he goes, "it's your last week, you need a hug" and held out his arms. I appreciated the comfort, but I'm not sure if that's all he was trying to do? It was quite brief.

 

Later that week, I had farewell drinks. I invited most of the staff, including him, but he couldn't make it. He did say, though, "don't worry, I'll give you a big goodbye kiss before then!" He was obviously joking, though I don't know if the 'joke' was just a cover for his true desires? (For the record, it didn't happen!!)

 

On my last day (also the last day of school before holidays) he gave me two hugs. The first was in the morning and we were walking across the courtyard, side-by-side. He said something like, "no tears today!" and put his arm around me as we were walking. The second hug was the 'final' goodbye. Again, in the courtyard, and his kids were there, waiting for him to take them home from school. It was a long hug though, probably last ing 8-10 seconds. Even if I wasn't attracted to him, I think I just needed a hug like that from someone. (I didn't cry at school, by the way, though it was a struggle at times!)

 

During the holidays, I accompanied a group of students on a school trip. His daughter went on the trip, so when we returned from the trip, he was there to pick her up. When he saw me, he came over and gave me a hug. Since when did we go to a hugging relationship? It's not like we were even very good friends (not really close enough to hang out after school or anything like that).

 

Anyway, my phone had died so he let me use his to call someone to come pick me up. He even offered me a lift home (I declined) but made sure I'd be ok. Then he just said goodbye and left with his daughter.

 

Later that day I sent him a text message just to thank him for all his help and telling him to 'keep in touch' - I meant by email or something. He sent me back a reply that thanked me for taking care of his kids, saying that they'd all miss me, and wishing me luck at my new school. He finished with "catch up for a beer later this term."

 

That threw me a bit. I mean, even though I really wanted that opportunity, I never thought it could actually be a possibility.

 

I think that he's a nice man. I'm still a little bit attracted to him, but I respect the fact that he's married and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardise his relationship with his family. I don't to take things any further than where they are. I would like to catch up with him though, and I wish that we could be friends. Am I being naive? I'm mature for my age, I guess, and like the company of older people as much as I like the company of people my own age.

 

So anyway, I replied to his message, suggesting a week around mid-term. He replied with "it's in my diary, but you'll have to give me a reminder." It's almost time for the reminder, but for some reason, I'm a bit uneasy about the whole thing. I have a funny feeling. I mean, even if everything is platonic (which is what I desire most) it just seems weird that a twenty-three-year-old is catching up with a fifty-year-old for a beer.

 

I guess my questions are:

- does it sound like he's *interested* in me? Or is he being a bit paternal?

- Do coworkers usually act this way towards each other?

- Would it be unusual for us to catch up? (I've caught up for dinner and drinks with other people from that school)

- Is it possible for us to be friends? I'm quite determined that I am not going to let anything 'sus' happen.

 

I apologise for the length of this post! I just really need some advice/perspective/guidance.

 

Thanks :)

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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i can understand why.:rolleyes:

 

OP - look upon him as a father figure.

I'm sure you're reading way too much into this.

 

There's nothing there, but a crush.

you're letting your imagination run away with you, and frankly, I'd rein it in.

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the_entertainer1 Established Member

the_entertainer1

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Thanks for your responses so far. I agree, and I originally did think his actions were a bit paternal, or fatherly.

 

So it's ok then, if I go out for a drink with him?

 

Of course it would be just as friends, and like I said before, I'm conscious of the way I act when I'm around him so he doesn't know how I feel.

 

It's just that ... I mentioned it to a friend of mine (the fact that my colleague suggested a beer - I didn't even tell her how I felt about him) and my friend automatically jumped to the conclusion that he might want more than just a beer, especially given the age gap. In her words: "why would a fifty-year-old guy want to hang out with you?" lol.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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Give it a while, then call him - and visit him at home. If he wants to meet you alone - then you have your answer.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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Yeah. Actually, exactly what Just_A_Poster said.

I just couldn't take the time to write it....

2sure Established Member

2sure

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If a man, a friend, or a co worker makes a date, an appointment, or schedules anything with you....then tells you that you will have to call and remind him about it....there is Zero interest , in being friends, co workers or anything else.

 

I guess you can call him about the reminder , and maybe he will out of obligation attend but it doesn't sound like it. And all that is fine, just shoot him an email once in awhile to stay in touch professionally so you can continue building your network.

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the_entertainer1 Established Member

the_entertainer1

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I know I wrote my post asking for opinions, but I have to disagree with a couple of points you made:

 

You don't respect his marriage at ALL or you wouldn't be a-flutter every time the guy looks at you.

 

To me, there is a big difference between having feelings for someone and actually acting on such feelings. The fact that I haven't acted on them (and do not intend to) proves that I do respect his marriage. It's not like I've gone and flirted with him (and I don't intend to, either!)

 

For someone who has NO desire to make this romantic, you sure are concerned about whether or not he's 'interested' in you. You started this fishing expedition with the text message, HE didn't.
'

 

Honestly, I don't want to make this romantic. Those romantic feelings will go away, anyway. My text message to him wasn't intended to be a 'fishing expedition', but to convey my sincere thanks for his help - besides, he was the one who suggested we catch up for a beer, not me! In terms of my concern about whether or not he's 'interested' in me ... like I've said before, it doesn't really seem 'usual' for a fifty-year-old guy to want to have a beer with a twenty-three-year-old girl. My dad's that age and I don't see him going out for beers with girls my age. I was really more concerned about him having friendlier-than-usual intentions if we do go ahead and catch up - I know I can control my behaviour, but I want to make sure I'm not walking head-first into a potentially 'suspicious' situation.

goodthingscome Established Member

goodthingscome

Posted
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I know I wrote my post asking for opinions, but I have to disagree with a couple of points you made:

 

 

 

To me, there is a big difference between having feelings for someone and actually acting on such feelings. The fact that I haven't acted on them (and do not intend to) proves that I do respect his marriage. It's not like I've gone and flirted with him (and I don't intend to, either!)

 

Excuse me? In my book of boundaries, unless you were a family member or a really close friend of the family by allowing him to hug and kiss you is flirting.

Honestly, I don't want to make this romantic. Those romantic feelings will go away, anyway. My text message to him wasn't intended to be a 'fishing expedition', but to convey my sincere thanks for his help - besides, he was the one who suggested we catch up for a beer, not me!

 

So? Since you claim that their is no sexual/romantic feelings, tell him you would love to meet up with him "and his wife". See what he says then. It doesn't matter who made the first "move" it can only progress if the other person follows suit. YOU need to back off. You can't be his friend, you can be a colleague but that's it. Keep it strictly professional.

 

In terms of my concern about whether or not he's 'interested' in me ... like I've said before, it doesn't really seem 'usual' for a fifty-year-old guy to want to have a beer with a twenty-three-year-old girl. My dad's that age and I don't see him going out for beers with girls my age.

 

Exactly why you need to put a stop to this before it gets out of hand. You are trying so hard to justify the relationship and there is none. Sorry if it's not what you want to hear.

 

I was really more concerned about him having friendlier-than-usual intentions if we do go ahead and catch up - I know I can control my behaviour, but I want to make sure I'm not walking head-first into a potentially 'suspicious' situation.

 

You can't control your behavior if you could you wouldn't be trying to get strangers to tell you it's okay. You would know it was a bad idea, period.

Edited by goodthingscome
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the_entertainer1 Established Member

the_entertainer1

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You can do what you want. You're an adult and you surely don't need anyone's permission to have a beer with a professional colleague.

 

Thanks, that is true. And I am approaching this with the intention of it being a beer with a professional colleague, rather than a potential 'date'.

 

But the situation could imply (assuming you would in no way actually be opento sexual advances should they occur) that you are seeking ego validation by teasing a horny old man. Surely you have better things to do with your free time. It would be very easy for you to play the game of pretending to be shocked, offended, and surprised if he does hit on you (meanwhile getting your ego gratification from being sought after).

 

I see what you mean, but I'm not trying to tease a 'horny old man' to boost up my own ego. I think that that would just cruel really, and I wouldn't want to hurt him or make him feel embarrassed or weird. I suppose some people might get a kick out of it, but I'm not one of them. I'm a little worried of inadvertently doing this though - I mean, he could be wondering why I want to catch up with him!

 

Your idea of inviting other colleagues along too is good. But, we're not really friends with the same groups of people. Sure, we all get along well and would chat in the staff room, but the people that I would 'hang out with' aren't the same as the ones that he would. If it were a whole-staff thing it would be different.

 

Anyway, I think everything will be fine. We're both professionals. I don't know how he feels about me, apart from the fact that he likes me as a coworker. In any case, I won't overstep the mark and I don't think he will either - he's a decent man. So yesterday I sent him a message, saying hi and asking if he was still keen for a beer next week.

 

He replied with "Sure. I hear you are also coming to the work dinner." (Another ex-colleage, a friend of mine, invited me but unfortunately I can't make it. I already let them know.)

 

So I responded by saying that I couldn't make it and suggested that the days later on next week would be best for me (in terms of the beer).

 

He wrote back with "I'll let you know." Usually if a guy says "I'll let you know", I'd assume that he's not interested in catching up. But this guy is a very busy guy and has family commitments too. It seems plausible that he'd have to check his schedule before committing. Besides, he's the one who suggested the beer in the first place. If he didn't want to, why would he have suggested it Couldn't he just as easily have said that he was busy next week?

BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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Personally, I think you are right to be concerned. Right now he has perfectly plausible deniability with you. If he had to, he could defend every one of his actions.

 

But I would bet my next paycheck that if you lean in to kiss him in a dark corner of the parking lot after your beer together, he'll be all over you. Ridiculously, you'd then both say, "It just happened - and it all happened so fast." This is how affairs start in the workplace. It's crossing one small boundary at a time.

 

He's not going to risk his job, family, etc by taking the initiative on his own. But he will leave the door wide open for you to make the first move.

 

You'd best cancel that beer. Or you might find yourself posting on the Other Man/Other Woman forum a year from now wondering if he'll ever leave his wife for you.

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the_entertainer1 Established Member

the_entertainer1

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OP, you've asked and been warned off this whole thing both here and by a friend in real life. At this point you're willfully ignoring what you don't want to hear.

 

I suppose I am, aren't I? But there's more to it. Sure, I am attracted to the guy. But first and foremost, I see him as a mentor and an ex-colleague who can give me some professional advice. I honestly do not want to interfere with his marriage. But it's important to me that we catch up. I don't know if you've switched jobs much, but it's been quite difficult for me to go from seeing all my coworkers, my friends, every day for a year, to seeing (some) of them perhaps once a month.

 

If this is really just catching up with a professional acquaintance, you don't need to meet him in the evening and you don't need to meet him for drinks.

 

You meet him in the faculty cafeteria at lunch time and share a cup of coffee with him. In the presence of lots of other people.

 

If you're unwilling to meet with him in the way I suggested....that speaks to your motives.

 

You're right - evening isn't necessary, neither is a beer (he suggested it though, not me!) I assumed that if we did meet for a drink, it would be after school rather than during the evening. The presence of other people would be fine too - I'd probably actually prefer it. I'd be happy to meet him at lunch but it's not that simple ... from my perspective, the whole reason we tried to organise this catch up was because I was moving schools. I'm now at a different school, so it's impossible to meet up for lunch.

 

It's been about a day and I haven't heard from him (though I think he's polite enough to still get back to me, even if he is going to cancel).

 

BetrayedH - I'm not going to make a move; I know it's 'wrong', I'd probably be too shy, and I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. Those three reasons are enough to stop me in my tracks!

BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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He may be trying to build up his own nerve and thinking that a beer or two for both of you might help to finally move things along.

 

Not trying to be accusatory but this is the way that thing happen "innocently." The fact that you have some chemistry is a huge red flag for you to keep healthy boundaries (such as not having drinks one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex).

 

I hope things work out for you. You should be cautious and it appears that your radar is up at this point. If he makes a move, be smart enough to back off and say, you know, thise people at Loveshack warned me about this. ;)

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pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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I would drop it and move on. What good can come of this, honestly? You say you weren't that great of friends when you worked together, so it isn't like you need to see your old pal or something.

 

You want to see him because you are attracted to him.

 

That's dangerous.

 

At best, you'll have an awkward meeting with him and you'll go home and dissect and analyze everything he said and did.

 

At worst, now that you don't work with him, something will happen, and you'll find yourself in an affair.

 

This was your first real job. You'll have many more. You'll have lots of people come into your life and leave. You'll feel more for some of them than for others. Some of them will keep a permanent spot in your heart as someone you remember fondly or who taught you something.

 

Close the door on this man. It was fun having someone to daydream about at your job, but no good can come from continuing a relationship with him.

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veryhappy Established Member

veryhappy

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Why did you think you'd get better feedback on the marriage forum? Actually, you did. The responses have been nicer to you here.

 

If you are going forward with this, it's in your best interest to own the fact that you are persuing an affair with a MM double your age. Don't be a silly, naive young woman. Think about it first and all the scenarios, and be mature about it. Otherwise, you'll be on the OW again saying how the wife is manipulating him into staying. You are an adult, you can have an affair with another adult (if it's not against the law where you live), but it's in your own interest to be realistic and smart about it.

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Hira New Member

Hira

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I can't understand why you feeling such, as there is no such things like funny. Isn't it?

Cb3657 Established Member

Cb3657

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I'm sorry but everything this fella has written or done sounds very innocent, i manage young people and, other than the hugging, (not a hugger). I would say very similar things and I have never slept with any of these people and never will cheat on my wife. Are we now at the point were we cannot be nice and civil without suspicion. He could end up bringing his wife for this beer then how stupid would this coversation sound? I would say he has treated her just like many people treat work aquitences they like, why is this so bad?

2sure Established Member

2sure

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When are you supposed to be calling him to remind him to meet you for a beer?

Athena Established Member

Athena

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So anyway, I replied to his message, suggesting a week around mid-term. He replied with "it's in my diary, but you'll have to give me a reminder." It's almost time for the reminder, but for some reason, I'm a bit uneasy about the whole thing. I have a funny feeling. I mean, even if everything is platonic (which is what I desire most) it just seems weird that a twenty-three-year-old is catching up with a fifty-year-old for a beer.

 

I guess my questions are:

- does it sound like he's *interested* in me? Or is he being a bit paternal?

- Do coworkers usually act this way towards each other?

- Would it be unusual for us to catch up? (I've caught up for dinner and drinks with other people from that school)

- Is it possible for us to be friends? I'm quite determined that I am not going to let anything 'sus' happen.

 

I apologise for the length of this post! I just really need some advice/perspective/guidance.

 

Thanks :)

The way your colleague behaves reminds me of my husband, who btw is also similar age, and my husband is also friendly and takes on an interest in the young 'uns and others... I have to say that even though MY husband is a serial cheat with younger women too, that the way you describe your friend seems normal.

 

I think there is a possibility for friendship, but it should be done perhaps with his wife's knowledge, out in the open. Perhaps suggest to him that he brings his wife with.

Treat him as a Mentor.

 

I think we as women read lots into little nuances and brushed fingers and walking the opposite way, but guys are not the same... most of the time they seem less emotionally aware and engaged (though I have to say there are exceptions, and most of them seem to be on THESE boards at LS).

Mme. Chaucer Established Member

Mme. Chaucer

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It's all very simple, actually. It's inappropriate to pursue a relationship of any kind at all with a married person of the opposite sex who you're attracted to. That's all there is to it.

 

And married people (who are interested in maintaining a happy marriage more than having an affair) don't pursue relationships with new friends of the opposite sex who are crushing on them.

 

I think this is common knowledge.

 

Marriage is not that easy to keep. Boundaries are a great help.

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lionqueen Member

lionqueen

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STOP... CUT IT OUT.. DON'T DO IT... SERIOUSLY !!!

 

I read your story and I relived my whole story. It started with an MM 13 yrs my senior. We were friends and then the hugs started then there was a little kiss on the cheek .. all very innocent. I was adoring the attention and feeling very powerful and at the same time feeling incredibly guilty. I also tried to make it all right... what was a hug or a little peck on the cheek... I'm not doing anything wrong... but my alter ego was saying "he wants you baby".

 

Then I got the invite to meet him to chat cos we talked a lot about his problems at home by then... and he said I was such a good friend and he felt comfortable with me...I said to myself on one hand.. "meeting him to talk couldn't hurt!! nothing will happen, he's my friend" ... another voice was saying "he sooo is going to make a move and I can't wait"

 

Sure enough the "meeting" ended with a brief kiss on the lips...my voice "ah we not doing anything wrong he's just real affectionate"

 

To cut a long story short after I had justified my actions to myself for a few months I lost my virginity to this MM and it continued on for ages to the stage where he got a fit of the guilts and was going to cut off ties with me and I nearly had a nervous breakdown... then one day I get the call " I've left, can you come and pick me up"

 

There was a messy nasty separation and divorce and he had 3 kids !! It wasn't good. If I could go back I may have done things differently. I can't say though as I am married to and have been together with this guy for 26yrs now.

 

Your story my love sounds exactly like mine so far. You are trying to silence your inner voices that are conflicting and confusing you. The message is clear. He is flirting BIG TIME. He wants things to go further. He is of the age that his ego needs stroking and what better conquest than a 23yr old !! WooHoo'!!

 

The people that are saying he is just a kind caring man and a mentor etc have no idea what they are talking about. I am sorry and I mean no offence but I got shivers and relived every moment of the start of my relationship when I read your account. There will be serious consequences and you need to see that.

 

Seriously my darling... RUN... RUN... and DO NOT LOOK BACK!!!!!!

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