kaylan Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Well I like a friend of mine, but I actually value our friendship...however its sometimes frustrating speaking to her knowing Im kinda into her. Is there a way to blot those feelings out? I mean we get on very well, but I totally dont see any good coming out of being honest about whats in my head. Plus I know we want different things...or maybe Im assuming we want different things. Shes a nice girl, very nice girl...who seems to looking for a nice boyfriend...and I dont want a relationship at this point in my life. And the friendship seems pretty chill so far...and why lose that ya know? I just wanna know how you bury attraction and liking someone so you dont compromise the friendship. Right now Im thinking the only thing to do is to scale back contact a bit. That way I can avoid a lame situation all together. 1
monkey00 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Well I like a friend of mine, but I actually value our friendship...however its sometimes frustrating speaking to her knowing Im kinda into her. Is there a way to blot those feelings out? I mean we get on very well, but I totally dont see any good coming out of being honest about whats in my head. Plus I know we want different things...or maybe Im assuming we want different things. Shes a nice girl, very nice girl...who seems to looking for a nice boyfriend...and I dont want a relationship at this point in my life. And the friendship seems pretty chill so far...and why lose that ya know? I just wanna know how you bury attraction and liking someone so you dont compromise the friendship. Right now Im thinking the only thing to do is to scale back contact a bit. That way I can avoid a lame situation all together. I'm sure you already know, but once she finds a boyfriend that likelihood of compromising the friendship is already in place. Are you okay if she met someone she fancied and they became a couple?
ThingsAreComplicated Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 no I don't believe you can, but of course you should be able to "control" your actions I was in the same position, however the feelings were developing mutual, over the course of 6 months up to a point where there were only 2 options: break contact completely or give it a shot. We did the latter and I don't regret it.
Author kaylan Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 (edited) I'm sure you already know, but once she finds a boyfriend that likelihood of compromising the friendship is already in place. Are you okay if she met someone she fancied and they became a couple? Obviously I wouldnt be super okay with it...but Im not willing to be anyones boyfriend right now, so Id have to deal with it.no I don't believe you can, but of course you should be able to "control" your actions I was in the same position, however the feelings were developing mutual, over the course of 6 months up to a point where there were only 2 options: break contact completely or give it a shot. We did the latter and I don't regret it. Lol Im scared of this though. Cus lets say she ever reciprocated how I feel....then what? Itll be like your situation; either part ways or go for it....but going for it always means things might not work...and then you lose everything anyway. I just wish it was possible for people to be really chill friends without feelings ever springing up. Cus I like the friendship, and I prefer it to the idea of a relationship at the moment...but I have these feelings of affection and attraction that I need to subdue. blargh Edited August 5, 2012 by kaylan
yongyong Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 I don't get what you are trying to say. you really like her but you don't want to be in a relationship? Is she the hot type of chick who gives you boner, makes you think about naughty things every time you see her? do you just want to sleep with her and accomplish that fantasy? anyways, I am in a kind of similar situation. this girl already had a bf when I met her. we get along pretty well and she is the nicest American chick I've ever seen. She is going through a divorce because she was too nice to her husband. I wished her to stay with him forever so I don't have to think about this situation. But she is going to be single again and I really like who she is. (I am physically attracted to her too but the sex is my last intention. I just want to have a life with her) I don't want to let her date someone else. Since every men has Beta tendencies, I feel like I just need to let it out 'hey I like you as more than friends' But I am sure I will hear the typical answer 'oh...but we are friends....johnny...' I think I should escalate little by little (totally different than a girl from the bar) Maybe I will just look into her eyes with very warm smile and see how she responds. Maybe I will just rub her back little or grab her hand and see how she responds. Maybe I will give her a hug and see how she responds....... When she is ok with all of the above, finally I will go for the kiss and then I can bring out the final words 'to be honest, I really liked you.....'
EasyHeart Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 You can control your actions, but you can't control your feelings. If you have feelings for her that aren't reciprocated, then you need to get away from her. Otherwise you'll find yourself pining for her and getting more and more interested in her, if only because we always want what we can't have. After a year or two, once you've gotten her out of your system, you might be able to be actual friends. Or she may realize that you're BF material after all if you show a little spine. Either way, it's really, really bad to stay in that kind of situation.
RedRobin Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Why aren't you looking for a relationship right now? Finding people you are attracted to and get along well with doesn't happen every day. Only gets tougher the older you get too. Girls like the one you are talking about aren't going to sit around forever and wait for guys like you to be 'ready'... Think about it... 1
ThaWholigan Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 I did it before. The way I did this was to not be around her too much. When I did eventually see her, I didn't have romantic feelings for her as much as I did previously. Of course, I'm still attracted to her because she's my type physically, but that is inconsequential as I am unlikely now to feel bad if she gets a boyfriend (and she's had at least one in that time).
xxoo Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Getting into someone else would take your mind off of her. . Shes a nice girl, very nice girl...who seems to looking for a nice boyfriend...and I dont want a relationship at this point in my life. Meeting the right person is the best reason to change your mind about that! I don't believe in "the one", but I also don't think we meet a whole lot of people who are great partner potential with lots of chemistry on all levels. 1
Leigh 87 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 It would actually be easier if she gets a boyfriend ( if that is your wish - to remain single). If she gets a boyfriend, you will then be forced to just be friends.. which could be easy. If you got feelings while she had a b/f, you obviously cease contact with her. On the other hand, if she remains single, and you develop stronger feelings for her, such feelings can literally draw you in so much that you REALLY feel like being intimate.... Genuine love and the build up to it, make it VERY hard to just " be mates....." ...Basically, if your both single for a while, there is a chance both your desires for each other could get so strong, that fooling around/hooking up/and or being together may turn into something you HAVE to do.... The urge for each other could get so strong that you have to either; walk away, or get with her (in a relationship) Come on man, you know that if you really do start to fall in love for this girl, that there is no way to just " hang out" with her when the feelings reach this point......
monkey00 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 This post makes me think of my friend and his close female friend. If he was looking for a relationship now, he would've/might've went after her. But I think he has too much baggage to be involved with anyone right now. He admitted that he was in love/loved her and I think she likes him too. Kind of makes me sad to think of how much potential people have to find happiness when it's right in front of their face, when there are so much miserable people here on LS and IRL who are constantly struggling. You don't know what you had until you've lost it.
Author kaylan Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 You can control your actions, but you can't control your feelings. If you have feelings for her that aren't reciprocated, then you need to get away from her. Otherwise you'll find yourself pining for her and getting more and more interested in her, if only because we always want what we can't have. After a year or two, once you've gotten her out of your system, you might be able to be actual friends. Or she may realize that you're BF material after all if you show a little spine. Either way, it's really, really bad to stay in that kind of situation. Im not too worried about my feelings not being reciprocated, as Im not planning to act on anything. I mean, if I said something and they werent reciprocated then I compromise the friendship. If they are reciprocated, I still compromise the friendship cus you have to move forward from that point and things get weird. Doing nothing and just chilling out seems the best at the moment. And I have loads of spine lol. I just actually value the friendship more than I have others in the past. In the past I have liked female friends and not cared much about if the friendship went south or not...this time its different. Maybe Im just older lol Why aren't you looking for a relationship right now? Finding people you are attracted to and get along well with doesn't happen every day. Only gets tougher the older you get too. Girls like the one you are talking about aren't going to sit around forever and wait for guys like you to be 'ready'... Think about it... Im not looking for a relationship because those take time and energy, and Im trying to devout that to my career and my music. I dont need distractions right now...and god forbid I go through another breakup again when I truly need to focus on getting these two things off the ground. When I was in college, my last relationship really took focus away from school for a little while (during the good and bad times). I much rather be single for now. And Im not expecting anyone to wait around for me. Im actually not to sure we are "right" for each other. Sure we get along, and Im attracted to her, but I do feel we are different in many ways, which leaves plenty of room open for me to be drawn to other women. However its possible that could change if I became closer to her, dunno though.
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