Sky-blue Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Long time lurker, now I have to take the plunge... I have had an affair with a married man for three years, it's not something I'm proud of and wish I could take it back. About a year ago I was accepted into a masters program out of state. Two days before I left I found out I was pregnant. I told him and he was excited, his wife never wants kids and he does. He begged me not to go, but I had to. We still spoke on the phone almost everyday, when the baby was born he flew out. He was so happy and sweet to our baby. He ended up staying with us for a week until he had to go home. He sends his son things all the time and we skype almost every other day. He told me he could fly here for two weeks next month and tell his wife it was for work. He told me how much he loves us and cant wait to see us, he's missed us so much. However the more I think about it the less I want him to, I don't want to be in an affair anymore. What do I tell him? Am I obligated to keep it together for our newborn son?
mercy Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Long time lurker, now I have to take the plunge... I have had an affair with a married man for three years, it's not something I'm proud of and wish I could take it back. About a year ago I was accepted into a masters program out of state. Two days before I left I found out I was pregnant. I told him and he was excited, his wife never wants kids and he does. He begged me not to go, but I had to. We still spoke on the phone almost everyday, when the baby was born he flew out. He was so happy and sweet to our baby. He ended up staying with us for a week until he had to go home. He sends his son things all the time and we skype almost every other day. He told me he could fly here for two weeks next month and tell his wife it was for work. He told me how much he loves us and cant wait to see us, he's missed us so much. However the more I think about it the less I want him to, I don't want to be in an affair anymore. What do I tell him? Am I obligated to keep it together for our newborn son? Good for you for staying on track with what is best for you. Congrats! I hope the program is everything you hoped for. Look at your son and look at the path you are on. Say whatever it is you need to say to MM. Whatever you choose to do always look at your son first and do two things. 1. Promise to always strive to make him proud. 2. Then ask, is what I'm about to choose going to be in our best interest. After I had a child I made it a habit to ask myself would I want her to know what I'm about to do. So many times it stopped me dead in my tracks. 2
scatterd Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 If you do not want an affair no more you do not have to. Do what is best for your your child. Your baby is what matters and it does not sound like his Dad will be there all the time. He needs to tell his wife and give you child support. Especially if he wants to be a part of his life. If you do not want him tell him before he get deeper involved then what he is. 1
Author Sky-blue Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 I've asked him to tell her before, I don't want this to be a secret. He always says it's not the right time, I ask him when that is and he always says "soon" but never anything else. We've talked about child support and he's all for it, we both feel it'd be best to have it documented, I just haven't filed for it. He always talks about how he "wishes I would be with him" but when it boils down to it he never has filed for divorce or really made an effort to be with me. I don't have any false hope of being together so I'm not planning on it, but it would be nice.
MissBee Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 (edited) Long time lurker, now I have to take the plunge... I have had an affair with a married man for three years, it's not something I'm proud of and wish I could take it back. About a year ago I was accepted into a masters program out of state. Two days before I left I found out I was pregnant. I told him and he was excited, his wife never wants kids and he does. He begged me not to go, but I had to. We still spoke on the phone almost everyday, when the baby was born he flew out. He was so happy and sweet to our baby. He ended up staying with us for a week until he had to go home. He sends his son things all the time and we skype almost every other day. He told me he could fly here for two weeks next month and tell his wife it was for work. He told me how much he loves us and cant wait to see us, he's missed us so much. However the more I think about it the less I want him to, I don't want to be in an affair anymore. What do I tell him? Am I obligated to keep it together for our newborn son? Hi Sky, You aren't obligated to keep the affair together for your son's sake. In fact, based on what you're saying, there is nothing to keep together. He saw you guys for a week, which based on your post, seems like something rare, then you skype. This is not much of anything IMO. You don't need to be romantically involved with the MM in order for him to be a part of your child's life. I understand married people who live together and have a family wanting to keep it together for the kids...but if you're in a long distance affair, there is not much you need to keep together. Your son is a baby and doesn't understand anything right now, so it's probably easier for you to stop the A and focus on the parenting now, instead of trying to do both when he's older.On that same note, your MM's wife doesn't know...does he ever plan to tell her??? I understand affairs that produce no offspring being conducted secretly indefinitely, but how can he have a whole other family and hide it? At some point your baby won't be a baby, he'll be a toddler, he'll be a kid, he'll be a teen and he will ask questions about why dad lives elsewhere. I think it's easier if you establish and focus on the parenting role and tell MM he needs to tell his wife, not for your sake, but your son's sake. Deal with the fall out when your kid is a baby and doesn't understand and perhaps by the time he is old enough things would have settled down and you can have a situation where he spends time with his dad and he's not a secret to his dad's wife. It is a hard situation. I have no idea what MM is thinking...he is probably in la la land thinking everything is all good and he can sneak away to visit you and the baby for a week. But does he really think he can do that forever??? Hide the fact that he has a son forever??? I think he still has it all compartmentalized and when he's with you he is a dad, and when he's with everyone else, no one knows he has a child. I doubt it has all hit him, esp since your son is a baby, babies are cute and don't ask questions: he can play with him, feed him and hold him for the random weeks which he can hide from his wife, which are easier things to do and not really raising your child, than when he's 6 years old or 16 and can voice demands for his dad's time, guidance, presence and love. This won't be an easy situation for anyone...but the truth is the start of figuring out something now BEFORE your child is older. Anyway yes, I'd tell him we need to talk about our son and his future and the future of the parenting and then in that convo, tell him you don't want secret A anymore. Do your family and friends support you emotionally? Also, does he help you out financially? Edited August 5, 2012 by MissBee
Author Sky-blue Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 I'm almost 26. The thing that I find nice about him is he provides, when we first started seeing each other I couldn't pay my rent because I was paying for school. He went and paid for three months. He's my best friend, I love him so much we get along great. He's just been someone I've always seen myself with. I've asked him to tell her, and not for my benefit. I've always felt really low for what I did. My behavior is and was inexcusable. My family and friends all love him, no one knows he's married, he was always just my boyfriend without a back story.
Author Sky-blue Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 (edited) Why in the world can't he leave his wife and be with you sky? You said he has no children with her so that can't be used. Does he tell you that he loves both of you? What are the reasons? Do you know what cake eating is? He tells me he doesn't love her anymore and that he hasn't for a long time. He's never given me a reason as to why he won't leave her. He just says he thinks about it everyday. He tells me that he wants to be together one day and I'm what he wants. I do know what cake eating is... I don't know if that's what he's doing or not... When he was here I didnt want him near me, I felt like he was too close. When we would go to sleep he'd hold me close and I couldn't wait til he'd fall asleep and let go. He loves to cuddle and usually I do too, but when he was here I had no interest in it. I was relieved when he left for home. I feel so bad about it... Edited August 5, 2012 by Sky-blue
sad puppy Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Do whatever you need to do to have the kids father documented legally and go for child support. It needs to be established, it's his responsibility in this whole mess. Then, seems to me, that fact will come to light to his wife. It's a win win, he will be required to pay support until your child turns 18 and his wife will find out her scumbag husband has a child with another woman. Then she gets to decide if she wants to stay married to this guy. He can divorce and be with you, if he loves you why isn't he divorcing? Especially now, with a new baby? Get the support order, focus on your baby and your life, and move on. You have a long road ahead of you as a single parent. This guy is gonna weigh you down, end it. DO NOT rely on him sending you random checks as support, get it handled legally. 1
sad puppy Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 And, btw, this is a perfect example of the price some women will pay for "love". For god's sakes, Sky, you're painting this guy as a "good guy". Think about all the fun, day in and out, he will be having with his wife, who he's not divorcing, while you are saddled with a kid on your own for the next 18 years. You need to take control of your life, his wife deserves to know about this situation, so she can take control of hers. Make his life hell. 1
2sure Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 It sounds like you have lost respect for him. Probably because you know he is being dishonest about some aspect of his marriage and why he wants to leave but won't. Probably also because you are moving away from the vulnerable woman who appreciated his help with the rent and are now a woman who must instead care for someone more vulnerable. Maybe any of those things or none...but it does sound like you have lost all respect for him. It's possible that with your baby being so new, your not wanting him close to you is a result of the changes you are going through. You mention that you don't count on it but that if he would leave the marriage to be with you, that would nice. He clearly is not someone who does what he says he will. You need to erase him from your child's life...which will come back at you one way or the other in the future... Or have him sign an affidavit of paternity, just in case your child needs his support at sometime in the future. He says he would be happy to provide child support when you file for it...but like the other things he says...he won't actually do it. You'll have your answer .
Author Sky-blue Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 The story of the rent goes like this, we hadn't known each other very long and he asked to come over. I told him yea he could and the door was unlocked, he didn't know earlier my landlord had told me that I needed to leave. He came in and I was crying, he asked me what was wrong and I told him I couldn't pay and my mom couldn't help me (my dad died when I was 5) and I had nowhere to go and I was scared. He told me I would be ok, he promised. Later that day there was a knock on my door, my landlord told me some guy named ------ had paid my rent for three months. That was it, that kickstarted our relationship. He is on the birth certificate, but the baby has my name. He wasn't happy about that at all... He asked how could I do that if I knew how much this meant to him, I told him it was just in case if he still wants to change it in two years we will. I don't rely on a check every month, he never tells me if and when he's sending them. They're always there though. When I first got here I was extremely depressed and so I went and bought a bottle of his cologne and sprayed it on his side of the bed. It helped me fall asleep, after awhile I could stop doing it, but when he left last time I had to again for a week, it's really embarrassing... I feel like a kid.
sad puppy Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Sky! He thinks the baby should have his last name. Are you kidding me? He is MARRIED to someone else and NOT getting a divorce. Girl, you need to start waking up, right now! You need to file for the child support, legally. You are seriously fooling yourself here. At some point, in the future, I bet he will have a new OW, and you and your child will be left in the dust. So he paid your rent, so what? Cheaper than paying for a hooker. I don't mean to sound harsh here, but women that fall for these small actions of affection are seriously shortchanging themselves. You need to shift your paradigm here. You need to stop focusing on him and perfume and start focusing on the baby, your finances, your future, and the long haul. Good grief. Wishing you a lot of luck here and you're gonna need it cuz you're letting this guy off the hook and focusing on perfume when you have a baby to raise, on your own. And on your own you will be as this supposed great guy is not getting a divorce even when there is nothing to hold him back.
Author Sky-blue Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 Which is exactly why my son has my last name and not his. I am focusing on my child, and that's why I'm doing this, so he doesn't have to be confused later. My son IS the most important of all, I love him.
hermione08 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Why doesn't he leave his wife if he doesn't love her and they don't have kids together? Because it's probably untrue that he doesn't love her. In any case, he will not leave her, so the best thing you can do is file for child support. And somebody should tell his wife about this, asap. 1
scatterd Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 (edited) Sky I am glad you have a sweet little boy to love. They grow so fast before you know it they are going to school. You have a whole life ahead of you and getting rid of a part time man is a good way to start off right. This guy is keeping you and your son a secret. I would think he would like to tell his family and everyone he is a Dad. But he has chooses not to, he is lying and wants to control everyone. He is controlling his wife by not telling her and he is controlling you and your son by keeping this secret. I hope you plan taking control and on getting child support from him, legally before he decides he wants another woman and pays for her. He thinks he can just get up and go to see his son he wants. He is so confident he will not be found out, because he is in "control". I have no idea how old he is but he is acting childish. You and your son deserve to be more then his secret and you also deserve a honest full time man. I wish the best for you and your baby. Big Hugs Edited August 5, 2012 by scatterd
scatterd Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 (edited) Yes this is weird he does not have his kids to use as an excuse.If he is not in love with her anymore so why does he stick around. Edited August 5, 2012 by scatterd
Author Sky-blue Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 Well I was planning on filing for child support so no worries I just haven't had the time. I love him and I don't want to make him suffer or anything, there's no hard feelings between us and I'd like to keep it that way. I do want his wife to know though, I feel like she has that right. One thing that has been bugging me is he keeps asking if we're gonna have sex when he gets here. We didn't last time because of the baby, we just messed around. I told him I wasn't sure and he said "you know you want to as bad as I do" and he's right... But I know I shouldn't do it. Should I give him an ultimatum? What do I say?
scatterd Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 When he was there did he call his wife in front of you? Also does his kind of work include allot of traveling? I am wondering why his wife has not caught on yet. Sky so many cheaters lie to both woman they tell the wife they love them and would never cheat while they tell the OW the same thing. They make the wife look bad in order to keep the affair going and when they get caught the OW gets thrown under the bus. I have heard of them making the OW look like a crazy stalker and the wife is someone that is spending all the money, Does not-sleep with them and so on. What is his excuses? I understand how you want to get away from him. You need a man that will be a good influence for your child. Even if he was divorced could you trust him?
scatterd Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 If you sleep with him you will be the secret mistress. Why is he asking for sex when he should be concentrating on his sweet son. I would tell him you want to don't start on that note again. That when he tells his wife and family he has a child and when he is divorced you will think about it. You do not want him to have all the control do you? Take control back by making him do the right thing do not cut your self short of having a real relationship. He is going to get close to the baby and then he will make demands. You see him as this great guy but he is lying. A good man does not lie to everyone also you do not know what he is like in a full time relationship. He is only going to show you his best side.
Author Sky-blue Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 I'm going to tell him he can't come, if he does he can stay at the hotel that's 10 minutes away. When he gets a divorce he can stay here, and we can do things together, but I've got to take my son, the most important man in my life, into consideration. He won't understand when he gets older so why should I do it now? 1
Author Sky-blue Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 He does Travel occasionally, and he's getting due for one of his trips. He calls her in the car, he'll go outside to talk to her, and he doesn't care if I'm there or not. When I am he never says "I love you" I don't know if he ever does, or just when I'm around.
canuckprincess Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 He tells me he doesn't love her anymore and that he hasn't for a long time. He's never given me a reason as to why he won't leave her. He just says he thinks about it everyday. He tells me that he wants to be together one day and I'm what he wants. I do know what cake eating is... I don't know if that's what he's doing or not... When he was here I didnt want him near me, I felt like he was too close. When we would go to sleep he'd hold me close and I couldn't wait til he'd fall asleep and let go. He loves to cuddle and usually I do too, but when he was here I had no interest in it. I was relieved when he left for home. I feel so bad about it... Do you know why he hasn't left her, I do. Number one if your willing to allow him to cake eat he will forever. I say end it and I know easier said then done. I believe if he thought he was gonna lose you he would do what ever he had to to keep you in his life. I know exactly how you feel about him, my mm is my closest friend and we share things that he has never shared with anyone else. Your son deserves to be first, before his wife or even you for that matter. I wish you all the best in which ever path you take. You have a bond with him that his wife will never have. You have a child conceived out of true love. 1
scatterd Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 I think the way you are thinking of handling this is a good idea. You will find out how committed he is to you and your son or if he has been bull-------- you. Good Job on your plan thats a good start.
alexandria35 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Hey Sky I don't have much to add to what everyone here has already said. I just wanted to say that I'm really happy you didn't stay behind with the MM when you found out you were pregnant and he asked you not to leave. Instead you did what you had to do to continue to pursue your own success. Very impressive. You sound like an intelligent woman with a pretty good grip on things, but unfortunately you have become stuck in this dead end relationship. As was already said there is no benefit to your son in keeping this affair going. As a matter of fact, when he gets older and discovers that his father is a married man, he will lose respect for both you and his father. If at that time the affair is long over, you will be able to tell him that you were a just a young woman who made a bad judgement call but you have learned and moved on and he will respect you for that. However if the affair is ongoing he will not understand why you accept that role and he will struggle with negative feelings towards you. I have met a few grown men who's mothers were OW and they have all expressed feelings of disgust for their mothers role in the affair. I'm sure daughters struggle with this too, but sons especially have a difficult time with this knowledge. Keep looking forward and pursuing your dreams, file for child support and stop the relationship with the MM for as long as he is still married. One day you might meet a wonderful man who wants to be your husband and your sons father but that won't happen until you have completely let go of this MM. 1
goodthingscome Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Do you know why he hasn't left her, I do. Number one if your willing to allow him to cake eat he will forever. I say end it and I know easier said then done. I believe if he thought he was gonna lose you he would do what ever he had to to keep you in his life. I know exactly how you feel about him, my mm is my closest friend and we share things that he has never shared with anyone else. Your son deserves to be first, before his wife or even you for that matter. I wish you all the best in which ever path you take. You have a bond with him that his wife will never have. You have a child conceived out of true love. Excuse me? You were making great sense to me until you got to the last sentence..... This child was conceived from 2 people involved in a illicit relationship one that was and still is a secret! Definitely NOT "true love". I agree she needs to move on, she knows it but still feels "obligated", because her "true lover" did pay her rent after all.... I know the horse is out of the barn and the OP does sound like she is a great mom and loves her little boy and bless her heart for that, but this whole situation could have been avoided if she had used protection or more importantly made him use protection....
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