wolfy Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 (edited) Im sorry about the wall of text and probably some really hard to read sentences, i typed that quite fast and a little emotionally :\ It was a guy i met online at an online community, i didnt pay much attention to him until he started making some dominant funny jokes which made me start liking him, then we started talking(A LOT) and the more i learned about him the more i fell in love with him. And i wasnt really the person who would want to fall in love or even think i would ever fall in love with anyone, but i can honestly say that this was the first and only guy i ever fell in love with, only thing i wanted was to be with him, be close to him and help me, it was the only goal in my life and woudlnt care what i would have to go through, i even planned on going to him this february for sometime. He was a really troubled guy since he had some issues which made his life harder, he feels bad about hiself and some of his thoughts and anger issues and he also feels helpless and cause of that he always rushes to help anyone immidiately even thought this isnt healthy for him..he works very hard and tries to satisfy everyone but himself, and i honestly believe such guy only deserves to just sit down, go on vacations and leave a life without heavy responsibilities and jsut have fun for himself but he doesnt want to do that...He also had 5 gfs cheat on him and 2 reject him so he kinda quit relationships...(Imprtant thing is that he feels bad about himself and that he thinks that his a bad person cuz of his thoughts and anger issues) Now he did say he loved me before some time and we were talking about how serious that was for the next 2-3 days, although he did say he isnt fan of cyber relationships so we just stayed at that(so technically we werent ever together). Sadly after that i was more open about how much i loved him and probbaly became a little annoying since i was kinda clingy and wanted to know everything about him, althought he does have an issue about not wanting anyone very close to him and feels annoyed by some serious psychological perosnal questions... What caused us to end, well after 2 months since he said he loved me he started feeling more distant, although he still gave me hopes with some stuff he said, which were quite clear evidence he wanted to be with me sometime, and some other less clear stuff like winky jokes, dominant jokes and love emotes(although he didnt use the love word again after the firs ttime he said it). When i was talking about us, he mostly said he was unsure, and i knew he meant it since i had some common friends ask himt he same thing and told him that he isnt sure or his 2 bad of a person for me. But one day as i was triyng to get close to him he finally snapped and just told me he just thinks me as an awesome friend and that he doesnt want ANYONE close to him and that his helpless and then he started the retard talk about how he lives his life tot he fullest cuz he helps everyone who asks him and becaus ehe thinks its good to help others cuz he cant help hiself and taht he doesnt want to just go on vacations and relax... Also he completely forgot the fact that he said he loved me and said his friend could have said that which is impossible since we were talking about that whole love thing for some days and i knew it was him from the way he typed. But the fact taht he wanted to ruin his life like that, throw away his self because he thinks he cant be helped so he must help everyone that asked helped jsut pissed me off insanely...and that also caused me to hate society and religion who puts guilt in peoples feelings or thoughts because they call some things "bad" and make people who have those needs/thoughts/feelings bad about theirselves... I do really feel hate for that now, to the point i feel like i want to murder someone just to prove im not an idiot who will feel guilty because society says killing is bad... Anyway, after that i went offline from everyone for 4 days cause i didnt want to tak to anyone, wierd thing is, i didnt feel very sad or cried much. i was just feeling, its over and i thought that it was and because i thought that time would come, i was prepared for it and didnt feel very bad...Since that day he said that we havent talked at all(but sometime si could see his old posts in a chat we both go, or see if he posted some new status update) And after sending him a huge ranting post about how he should have just relaxed and had fun for himself and shouldnt work hard and help everyone and how religion/society guilt it bad and he shouldnt feel bad i felt a small relief since i wanted to say those to him, and then i stopped thinking even less about him and thought it was over I kinda thought i was over him but...i still see his posts and updates sometimes, and one time he ragequit the chat saying "buck this" and i felt sad about him and wanted to help but i didnt do anything, i also felt sad about one of his status updates saying "why do i even bother" referring to days being same routine days. I also sometimes let my thoughts roam free without caring if they are emberassing or bad and i caught one thought saying that he still loves him which deep down i know its sitll true. Last night i had a dream, and im pretty good at understanding their psychological meaning. We were in a table, i was sitting next to him and on the other side there was a woman, that table was inside a hospital(Which implies im still hurt and far from over him). Now there was a board where it had the peoples initials who would have a sex change and his initials were on that board too, then a doctor came and told him that he should choose who is gonna go next for the surgery from that board. At that moment inside my dream i felt so scared, i never felt so scared in my entire life, i felt that i would die if he chose himself, its was a horryfying feeling.(That probably implies how important he still is to me and how stuck i am to him and how far i am from getting over him). At the end he chose one of the other names and the dream ended... But really that feeling of fear i had just made me see how far i am from getting over him and im freaking out cause this is one time i have absolutely no idea what am i supposed to do...I just dont know how to get over him and wut to do and im feelign really sad about it...after that dream he is all i am thinking about again... I cant really focus on his negative parts, because i jsut cant, if i think abotu his hate of self or depressing actions i feel sad about him and i wat to help him, and i cant really hate him because of his retarded conclusion that he is a bad person therefore i ll ruin my life by trying to help everyone expect myself.... I onyl hate the things that caused it but not him... I really have no idea wut i should do now... Edited August 4, 2012 by wolfy
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