supergirl79 Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 I've recently had a few posts related to the same boyfriend, and I probably know the answer, but I'm curious if anyone can help me figure out why this is happening and how i can prevent this from happening in the future with a different guy. Mind you, I realize that not everything is my fault in this relationship, but I can't help but blame myself for a lot of things. For starts, my BF and I have been together for 10 months. We had a whirlwind relationship in the beginning and moved in together after 4 months. He used to do EVERYTHING for me. I mean, was constantly showering me with gifts, sending emails telling me he can't live without me and wants to marry me, we both met each others families - he was so in love with me and I with him. But, after he moved in (I own the house), things took a turn for the worst. He stopped trying almost completely. It went a little at a time, but by April (moved in in February) - we were hardly speaking. Not to mention I allowed him to get a dog (I say allowed because it was my house and I don't even like dogs, so we had to make a mutual decision) - that later turned out to be my worst nightmare. All of a sudden, everything was more important than me - here are a few examples: 1) he plays this online video games for hours on end, during the weekends and evenings when he and I can spend time together (I often get put on the back burner because of this game), 2) his dog I think he loves more than me, and I know this sounds silly but that dog is his life and that's all he cares about (I'll explain more later - but he's the "obsessive pet owner") 3) he has this attitude (and he's actually said this to me, and I quote) "I'm going to do what I"m going to do when I'm going to do it". I feel that I don't get enough time with him because he now has all of these new distractions when I used to be the most important thing in his life. I am not naive enough to believe that the bliss will always continue, but I also don't believe that just because we move in together means he doesn't have to do anything nice for me. We haven't even gone to a movie in 4 months! We've always argued a lot, but we both have very aggressive personalities so I assumed that's why. I'm sad a lot, but I"m writing this because I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much from my BF. I feel that as a couple (especially living together), you're supposed to do lots together, I realize not everything - but all of my past BF's have always been my best friends, the people I do the most with. He used to do everything with me and take me everywhere with him, now it's very divided and he only hangs out with his friends (and their GF's or wives) but will never invite me. He says that he doesn't have to be around me or invite me to everything, but I would invite him to everything! Just last Saturday, one of my best friends was getting married and I had to run an errand before the wedding, which he adamently said he refused to go to with me because it wasn't "what he wanted to do and I'm trying to control him by making him go" - well, isn't that something you do as a couple? You have to compromise and sometimes go to a wedding wher eyou don't know people? I told him that all of the other people at the wedding had their significant other there and he said that "there just a bunch of pussies that allow their GF's/wives to control them. I completely disagree but don't know how to convince him of a different mindset! I"m 25, he's nearly 30 - but obviously very selfish. Instead of going to the wedding with me, he went to his friends house to play poker and I had to go alone. I was so sad and disappointed but he's right, I can't make him go? I just don't understand why someone would refuse to do that for someone they "supposedly love". He says he loves me, but will never do anything with me or go out of his way to do nice things for me. He says I should be content just "hanging out" at home and not having to do something all the time. But, his quality time with me is sitting on the couch watching TV and me being in the other room - as long as "m there, he's happy and feels he doesn't have to do anything else with me! I've cried every day for the past 2 months, I do love him very much - don't think he's cheating on me, but did decide he can't live with me anymore and bought his own house - he moves out in 7 days. He told all his friends he's moving out because I don't like his dog. But, what I don't understand is if you love someone enough, would you seriously give them up over a dog? What I'm wondering, from what I've told you - does this relationship have a chance? Do I let him move out and see what happens or do I just move on? I do feel like a doormat, a girlfriend of convenience - becuase he only wants to spend time with me on his terms. If I want to do anything and he says no, he says that I'm selfish if I get upset because he shouldn't have to do what I want to do all the time. But the fact is, it's NEVER what i want to do! I'm torn, frustrated, confused, and very depressed. I'm certain the right thing to do is get out, but that's such a scary feeling, especially if I've been jumping to conclusions! Maybe I just don't know what a healthy relationship is, so I question myself? Anyway, please help if you can - I know it's long....I'm just so lost!
twalkoe Posted July 13, 2004 Posted July 13, 2004 You have to sit down and analyze what YOU want in a relationship and see if he is meeting par. Just 'cuz you love this guy, doesn't mean that he is compatible to you. You can love him, but find out that he just doesn't like doing the same things that you do. If he is fulfilling every other need that you have, then figure out if you can live without him at these functions. Does he bring enough to the table in other ways? If he does "trip your trigger" in other ways, then weigh that against not going to the movies every week, or being solo at weddings that make him uncomfortable. Relationships are very much give and take. If you being alone on these occassions is THAT important to you, then it is time to move on and find someone with the same interests. The most important thing is to figure out what you want, and right now...this is not what you want. If you think he is receptive to talking with you about this...the two of you should find something that you both like to do. Seriously, you would not belive what a spark it puts into a relationship! Hope this helps ya'.
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