zanzi Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 I feel like my last relationship didn't work out because I didn't want it to. Iv'e been in a few, and most of them, every time I gave my all I got nothing back. So this time I stopped giving. Iv'e had a lot of time to think, which incidentally I did whilst in a closet ( long story.) I am only twenty. I feel like Im too immature to love someone meaningfully, and that my purpose is to ascertain comfort, and once I get it I tend to not know how to deal with it. All I want is to stop hurting. I want to erase the extreme pain and self destruction that this train wreck of a past relationship caused me. I posted before about the fact that he left me for his ex, who has his baby. I saw this coming, and often used to ask him what was going on between the two of them. I never really loved him because I never knew the real him. I also don't believe he ever loved me. He used me to get over this ex he has now gone back to like a lost dog, and I used him so I wouldn't have to be alone. This ideology in me causes a kind of self examination that is very painful. (I understand why he wants to be with his child but as for the ex, he would trash her whenever he brought her up ( too often, now that I think on it) and once even said he wished she would die so he could have custody of his kid. ) But then after he left me for her, he changed his tune. I don't want him back, i don't want to speak to him or see him ever again and wish I'd never met him. But Im still really, really hurting and having a hard time moving on from the pain. I feel like I brought it on myself. Iv'e been depressed and suicidal, my friends told me they didn't trust him. Since this stupidness happened I have been deeply suicidal and people are avoiding me, as though afraid I might explode. This councilor even said I was playing the victim and basically gave me a bo**ocking and told me off. What was god or the force or whatever trying to teach me here.
The Tallest One Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Zanzi, trust me the pain will go away. It does take time but you will get there. And I know about suicidal tendencies, tried twice in last three years. I realize after much self loathing and inner turmoil that noone and I mean noone is worth taking your life for. This dark period of your life will pass and you will soon be in a better stage of life. You just have to hold on during the rough part until you make it to dry land. Reach out to anyone and everyone who will listen. It's not always easy finding family or friends to always be there, it's a lot for most people to handle. But you can get professional help even if one therapist is an idiot, you can keep looking for a better one. It took three tries before I found a good one and they do help a lot. Come here and vent and also read, it's also helpful and you will see that your not alone in your pain, so many of us are going through same situations.
Author zanzi Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 thank you the tallest one. I realize its not really me who is thinking like this because my views are distorted by the depression. I just feel so betrayed. get over it I'm told. I have tried. That kind of betrayal? How does one get over being lied to every day for months. I feel like I've been worked over by a megalomanic.
Dblock10 Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 you feel bad because the whole thing was a lie "I also don't believe he ever loved me. He used me to get over this ex he has now gone back to like a lost dog, and I used him so I wouldn't have to be alone." you know the score, put it behind and move forward. your 20 and have lots of time to meet new people. ones that don't have ex's and babys. you don't need that luggage honey. bad things are temporary remember that, the only reason you feel bad is because you are letting that feeling consume you, know that bad things pass, and good things last
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