Author Toonces Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 No new updates, and we're dealing with the aftershock. I can see she is ashamed of her actions and I made no further mention of the incident. It's as TheBigQuestion says. "It felt great" = I'm glad to get rid of that anger after 2 days of holding it in. It's been addressed, we can move on. It needed to be done and now it's out of the way. Conversely, I fully expect her to keep me in line as well when I f**k up and to articulate that in a manner that impacts me the same way it impacted her. The relationship didn't begin as a long distance one. And my reason for being with her certainly isn't because a LDR is my best / only option. She has many amazing strengths mixed into one person and it does it for me. It just does, and I am unwilling to share specifics. And if by chance something else happens, we will address it. But for now, we're healing and the smiles are slowly returning. 1
The Way I Am Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 (edited) What the hell? A few days ago everyone in this entire thread was talking about how this guy was letting this woman walk all over him because he refused to call her out on her poor behavior in a timely manner. Now that he actually DID express how he felt, he's being called sadistic? Nothing he said was out of line. Why the need to automatically interpret his statement that "it felt great" as meaning "I'm really glad I made her feel like crap," rather than "I'm relieved I finally addressed the situation." I agree with those that say they should break up, but did you really expect the guy's behavior to be all sunshine and roses? How civilized have YOU behaved when addressing your SO's potential cheating and/or boundary issues? My issue isn't with "it felt great" so much as "she was a mess" and shaming/scolding he described. A healthy adult discussion about boundaries in a relationship shouldn't devolve into one party in tears. I personally don't think there was a need to "put her in her place". There was a need to express how her actions affect the relationship, how she made him feel, and how he's not willing to accept it. Bringing up what her family or his family would think of her is over the line. I would never have done what that girl did, because I treat my boyfriend with more respect than that. But if any guy ever felt like I had wronged him for any reason and talked to me that way about it, he would be gone. Edited August 8, 2012 by The Way I Am 1
TheBigQuestion Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 My issue isn't with "it felt great" so much as "she was a mess" and shaming/scolding he described. A healthy adult discussion about boundaries in a relationship shouldn't devolve into one party in tears. I personally don't think there was a need to "put her in her place". There was a need to express how her actions affect the relationship, how she made him feel, and how he's not willing to accept it. Bringing up what her family or his family would think of her is over the line. I would never have done what that girl did, because I treat my boyfriend with more respect than that. But if any guy ever felt like I had wronged him for any reason and talked to me that way about it, he would be gone. Neither you nor any other poster on this board is the final arbiter of what is or is not "over the line" when having these discussions. Why NOT ask her what her family or his family would think about her actions? It's kind of like the old adage that goes something like "If you wouldn't be caught dead doing it in sight of your mother, what you're doing is very likely wrong." Maybe she DOES need to feel shame in order to step back and actually look at the situation without telling herself that everything she did was a-ok. More likely than not, she KNEW what she did was shady, but did it anyway, and was even brazen enough to attempt to shrug it off like she did nothing wrong when he tried talking about it in a calmer manner.
Imported Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 So did she **** all off them? Or did she only give them blowjobs? Or maybe she ****ed one of them, sucked the other one off and the last guy only got a handjob. Or maybe the two guys eiffel tower'd her and the third guy was just making a vid with the cell phone and got to pound her after the other two were done. The possibilities are endless. She felt ashamed? This probably wasn't the first time and the shame is probably only because someone is judging her harshly, not because that is not what she's into and will probably keep doing..more descretely. I never been in a gangbang, but known plenty of girls that wanted to be tagged teamed. Sure gangbangs do happen and not just in porno movies. I don't know how you would work through that. Unless nothing like that actually happened and it really was all innocent.
Art_Critic Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 It'll be interesting if she comes thru with the next Skype call... 100-1 she is about to dump..of course so is he...
The Way I Am Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 (edited) Neither you nor any other poster on this board is the final arbiter of what is or is not "over the line" when having these discussions. Last I checked, this is a forum for advice and opinions. That is mine. Why NOT ask her what her family or his family would think about her actions? It's kind of like the old adage that goes something like "If you wouldn't be caught dead doing it in sight of your mother, what you're doing is very likely wrong."Unless that person is very, very close with my family -- which would not be possible at only 8 months -- then claiming to know what my family thinks of me is over the line. Maybe she DOES need to feel shame in order to step back and actually look at the situation without telling herself that everything she did was a-ok. More likely than not, she KNEW what she did was shady, but did it anyway, and was even brazen enough to attempt to shrug it off like she did nothing wrong when he tried talking about it in a calmer manner.In that case, she's not worth dating. If you feel like you have to shame your partner into behaving the way you want them to, you probably shouldn't be dating them. Edited August 8, 2012 by The Way I Am
mickleb Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 No new updates, and we're dealing with the aftershock. I can see she is ashamed of her actions and I made no further mention of the incident. It's as TheBigQuestion says. "It felt great" = I'm glad to get rid of that anger after 2 days of holding it in. It's been addressed, we can move on. It needed to be done and now it's out of the way. Conversely, I fully expect her to keep me in line as well when I f**k up and to articulate that in a manner that impacts me the same way it impacted her. The relationship didn't begin as a long distance one. And my reason for being with her certainly isn't because a LDR is my best / only option. She has many amazing strengths mixed into one person and it does it for me. It just does, and I am unwilling to share specifics. And if by chance something else happens, we will address it. But for now, we're healing and the smiles are slowly returning. Glad you returned, Toonces. I agree with The Way I Am. Some of the language you used to describe the process of 'dealing' with this is very disturbing. As is her behaviour. Do you not think that this dynamic is pretty unhealthy? She wakes you up to show you her little private party, then sort of 'shh's' you, as you're bringing the tone down (whether it was 'innocent' or not). She then acts like she's done nothing wrong at all - not sensitive to the fact that she's majorly weirded you out and hacked away at the trust you share. You, eventually, sit her down and scold her like a child, reduce her to tears, admit you made her 'a mess', and then tell us 'it felt great'. (Doesn't matter why it felt great - none of it sounds great to me.) Can't you two learn how to respect each other's feelings and want to make each other happy? As I said before, LDRs are dependent on good communication skills. That includes telling each other how you feel in order to AVOID anyone having to 'f*ck up', I'd have thought. 2
Star Gazer Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 It's the dark side of Nice Guy Syndrome, isn't it? Act meek and passive most of the time, then blow up and become a viscous ***hole when you can't control it any more. Yup. The nice, charming, "insecure" guy usually becomes a vicious arsehole, just like this. It's all that pent up anger and bitterness.
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