Girlfriend Drunk Skyped Me - I'm Not Happy

[Eternal Sunshine]

Update...

 

She called for a mid-day Skype call (this is very unusual).

I didn't join the call, I texted her instead.

 

Me: xxx-chan. Im out right now. Ill call you at the normal time.

Her: I wanted to talk to you . That's why i called you ( v^-゜)♪

Me: <No response>

Her again:yyy-chan, Sorry i won't be at home on normal skype time today. If you can be on skype earlier, it would be good(*^^*)

Me 1 hour later: Okay, have a great Sunday.

 

I'm still pissed, so maybe it's best I don't talk to her for a while.

 

bluegreen - Thank you. I too truly hope for something positive to come from this. Glad to hear of your happier story.

 

The Way I Am - We met in my state, she moved back to Japan because of work, our plan is to have her move back here to live early next year. It's not the best of situations.

 

NXS - I have a different way of doing things. I won't tell her not to go out with her long time friend, a friend I met and drank with on two different occasions. Especially being a LDR. I gave her enough rope, she can decide how to use it. But deal with the consequences of those decisions.

 

Why are you playing passive aggressive games? Avoiding her won't solve anything. How about you talk to her and openly tell her how you feel about what happened and see what she has to say for herself?

[Toonces]

NXS - Yes, we differ on how to handle LDRs. I can't police her. I have to trust she will do the right thing and be ready to do something about it when she screws up. I also don't care if she goes out with friends. I go out with girls all the time, but I know my place. She should have too. Relationship boundaries for this event were made clear many months ago.

 

TaraMaiden - It may seem like that, but she knows she f**ked up and I didn't like how she's was setting the time and pace for this discussion. This is *my* show now.

 

We don't have time for a real discussion anyway. However, over email, I don't want to give her time to think or prepare for the storm that's coming once the field is set. She'll just put up a big fat wall. I'd rather she think it's all good and that I'm not phased until the time comes.

 

Eternal Sunshine - We just don't have the time right now and I rather this not be duked out in text messages or email (partially due to a language barrier). IMO, this is better handled on a face to face call when time is abundant.

Edited August 5, 2012 by Toonces
Added response

[NXS]

NXS - Yes, we differ on how to handle LDRs. I can't police her. I have to trust she will do the right thing and be ready to do something about it when she screws up. I also don't care if she goes out with friends. I go out with girls all the time, but I know my place. She should have too. Relationship boundaries for this event were made clear many months ago.

 

It doesn't work like that boundaries are not a static agreement but have to be upheld time and again. I agree with the other poster, LDRs generally fail because of the temptations in real life and there has to be something tangible at the end of it, a motivation to avoid temptation. A blase approach to what you can both do doesn't work, and you've seen the proof of this. There's a big lesson for you here but you are refusing to see it.

 

TaraMaiden - It may seem like that, but she knows she f**ked up and I didn't like how she's was setting the time and pace for this discussion. This is *my* show now.

 

We don't have time for a real discussion anyway. However, over email, I don't want to give her time to think or prepare for the storm that's coming once the field is set. She'll just put up a big fat wall. I'd rather she think it's all good and that I'm not phased until the time comes.

 

Well I hope you rip her a new one but based on what you've written so far I doubt it.

[lino]

My girlfriend is quite the drinker. She drinks nearly daily to get her mind off her corporate job and relax

 

 

!!!

 

Already a very bad sign here, even before the 3 guys come into the picture.

 

I would've made the 2:30 am skype call my last contact with her. Someone doing that sort of thing (inviting 3 drunk guys into her room) wouldn't deserve 1 second more of my time.

 

 

Reading this sort of stuff makes me think like I've pretty much won the lottery.

[ascendotum]

You've given her WAY too much time to create a bullet-proof story is all you've done.

 

I'll have to repeat myself. All you've done is given her LOADS of time to prepare a bullet-proof story. Being the one to "call the shots and decide when the storm arrives" isn't showing her squat. Besides, she'll probably just tell you her male harem left 10 minutes after you both shut down Skype.

 

This girl is on the otherside of the pacific, she could say anything and its not like he can fact check. It wont be a brain buster to come up, "we smoked a joint while listening to the latest Nas cd, then we watched a dvd of How I met your mother, then they caught a taxi back to their suburbs." That could be a story or it could be 100% truth. I personally would have got this off my chest with her already, but I dont think the extra time gives her advantage.

[Pyro]

Nothing new to add to this discussion because I do agree that it is unacceptable on all counts. How do you think she would handle seeing you on skype with three women whilst drunk? Best of luck to you with this situation.

[gaius]

Should have just told them her favorite sexual position and hung up. You're probably beyond redemption at this point unless you stop talking to her completely. Then she might remember you fondly years later for not putting up with her nonsense.

[HeavenOrHell]

What's the problem exactly? If you both go out with friends of the opposite sex, what's she done wrong exactly, you've got no evidence of cheating.

 

From your original post I'd have thought she skyped you purely cos she was drunk and out of it and didn't do it for any reason other than not really being aware of what she was doing, and being in a silly mood.

 

Or maybe she did it to make you jealous, because she misses you and LDR's are lonely?

 

 

 

 

NXS - Yes, we differ on how to handle LDRs. I can't police her. I have to trust she will do the right thing and be ready to do something about it when she screws up. I also don't care if she goes out with friends. I go out with girls all the time, but I know my place. She should have too. Relationship boundaries for this event were made clear many months ago.

 

TaraMaiden - It may seem like that, but she knows she f**ked up and I didn't like how she's was setting the time and pace for this discussion. This is *my* show now.

 

We don't have time for a real discussion anyway. However, over email, I don't want to give her time to think or prepare for the storm that's coming once the field is set. She'll just put up a big fat wall. I'd rather she think it's all good and that I'm not phased until the time comes.

 

Eternal Sunshine - We just don't have the time right now and I rather this not be duked out in text messages or email (partially due to a language barrier). IMO, this is better handled on a face to face call when time is abundant.

[phineas]

The trade-off for answering to a woman is supposed to be sex.

You aren't even getting that & she's a disrespectful drunk inviting strange men into her house late at night to boot.

 

Why are you not out finding a woman who lives close enough to actually spend time with you instead of dealing with this out of country train-wreck again?

[bluegreen]

I hate to admit this but I agree with gentleman above

But lets all not be to harsh either cause being OK decent person and having lousy s/o its bad enough.

Any news on the matter positive negative ones did you managed to talk ?

[manup]

My girlfriend and I are in our 30s, and in an LDR. She told me last night on Skype that she was going to a cocktail party, invited by a male friend (i met this guy once, old friend of hers). I asked her if any of her other friends would be there and she replied that she didn't know, probably not. I tell her to have fun and be safe.

 

My girlfriend is quite the drinker. She drinks nearly daily to get her mind off her corporate job and relax. I fully expected her to drink at this party and come home tipsy. I asked her to take a safe route home and drop me a text that she got home safely, even though I'd likely be asleep (she lives in Japan and roughly 5 hours behind my time).

 

I wake to my phone ringing at 07:30 AM and I can hear the caller ID speak her name. This is highly unusual I thought, I hope nothing is wrong. It's 2:30 AM her time, and this call means she wants me to get on Skype (based on how many rings). She never calls at this time, this is maybe the first time in our 8 month relationship.

 

I drag my butt out of bed and I look like crap, I can barely see. I hope something bad didn't happen. I turn on Skype to see her at home, dressed in party clothes, her lights dimmed, and her music is blaring. She is drunk and smiling into the camera. Clearly, she either just got home or is up late but didn't change clothes.

 

In my sleepiest voice and with half closed eyes I ask her, "Are you okay?". "Did you just get home?" She says she's fine. She's clearly drunk. She asks if she woke me up and I pause for a bit and say "yeaaah".

 

My next sentence is interrupted by the sound of voices in the background.

"Are there...people there?", I ask.

She pauses, then turns the camera to reveal maybe 3 guys there (room was dark), including the friend who invited her to the party.

 

I am pensive but manage to say "hi" to everyone. They are watching me on her monitor.

She directs my attention to two of the guys sitting against the wall telling me she met them for the first time tonight.

 

I whisper to her, "Why are there three guys at your house at 2:30 in the morning?"

She senses my growing irritation and whispers to the mic, "These guys are really happy right now". This is her way of saying not to ruin the mood.

 

I am half asleep, confused, irritated, and now being observed by a bunch of drunk guys in my girlfriends house at 2:30 AM on a drunk girlfriend Skype call, long distance.

 

She senses something amiss and says, "This is maybe a bad time, let's talk later". I agree, choke down my annoyance, and politely say my good nights to everyone in the room.

 

----

 

I want to know why she thought it was cool idea to call me on Skype, to show me strange drunk guys in her home, and then imply I was bringing the party mood down. I am clearly bothered by this event. If I were to speak to her right now, I'm not sure I could keep a cool head.

 

We have a scheduled Skype call in 12 hours. How should I deal with her?

 

Read that again, does that sound like wife material? NO!!!

[Toonces]

Update:

 

She came on to Skype last night and seemingly cheerful, clearly playing it off like she did nothing wrong. She saw my look and realized something was coming her way.

 

I lit her the f**k up. As I spoke I made clear that if she stepped to me with any arrogant air or attitude she would piss me off more so she better shut the F up and listen. Which she did.

 

I asked her if she had anything to say for herself. She tried to play it off like she didn't think she did anything wrong.

 

It really hit home when I asked her what her parents would think if they knew their daughter liked to go out, get drunk in public, bring back strange drunk guys to her house at 2:30 in the morning. What would MY parents think if they knew I was dating someone like that. What would your friends say?

 

By the time I was done with her, she was a mess.

 

She freely admitted the whole thing was her idea and it was her fault. She apologized and promised not to do it again. She kept apologizing, nodding, "hai...", "hai...". and saying "it's my fault". She didn't give me any attitude.

 

It felt great.

 

We ended the call on a neutral note, we're talking again tonight.

 

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, everyone.

[Star Gazer]

Update:

 

She came on to Skype last night and seemingly cheerful, clearly playing it off like she did nothing wrong. She saw my look and realized something was coming her way.

 

I lit her the f**k up. As I spoke I made clear that if she stepped to me with any arrogant air or attitude she would piss me off more so she better shut the F up and listen. Which she did.

 

I asked her if she had anything to say for herself. She tried to play it off like she didn't think she did anything wrong.

 

It really hit home when I asked her what her parents would think if they knew their daughter liked to go out, get drunk in public, bring back strange drunk guys to her house at 2:30 in the morning. What would MY parents think if they knew I was dating someone like that. What would your friends say?

 

By the time I was done with her, she was a mess.

 

She freely admitted the whole thing was her idea and it was her fault. She apologized and promised not to do it again. She kept apologizing, nodding, "hai...", "hai...". and saying "it's my fault". She didn't give me any attitude.

 

It felt great.

 

We ended the call on a neutral note, we're talking again tonight.

 

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, everyone.

 

Wow, you actually enjoyed talking to her like that?

 

You're quite the sadist, aren't you?

[Chunky]

So nothing happened with those guys then right? Did she explain that?

[The Way I Am]

By the time I was done with her, she was a mess.

 

She freely admitted the whole thing was her idea and it was her fault. She apologized and promised not to do it again. She kept apologizing, nodding, "hai...", "hai...". and saying "it's my fault". She didn't give me any attitude.

 

It felt great.

 

Uh... that's... good... I guess. I would hate being on either end of that conversation. It made me uncomfortable just reading it.

 

It's a minimum of 4 months until she can move back to you. With no more than 8 months invested, I don't understand wanting to put your relationship through the strain and drama of an LDR. To me, the best option seems like splitting up and reevaluating the relationship if/when she moves back. I guess I don't get why you're determined to hold on so hard.

[bluegreen]

I would say you where tough but fair I despise people who do harm and pretend to be stupid when its time to answer for it she admitted whole thing was her Idea so she knew what she was doing whole time.

You must love her a lot to even consider staying with her but you will never trust her again and as for your family ouch if she keeps up like this it will be discovered and they will be disgusted for life with her as for her own as traditional as they are it does not bear saying what they would do to her.

[phineas]

Wow, you actually enjoyed talking to her like that?

 

You're quite the sadist, aren't you?

 

I wouldn't say sadist but man, WTF?!?!

 

Last Time I called a woman out for her BS it was because I was done with her & I wanted to make sure she knew that I knew what she did & that there was no chance of her coming back.

 

LOL at op thinking he put her in her place.

Once someone is so over the top disrespectful to their partner like her & that partner keeps them around, it doesn't end well.

 

I have two kids, I don't need a 3rd, i'd never stay with someone like OP's GF.

 

She's in another country.

All OP has done is teach her not to broadcast the pre-game to a gang-bang over skype.

[SmileFace]

What is actually going on here? She isn't your child - she knows right from wrong. How can you be happy with leaving someone in a " mess" as you put it. What do you think that proves? What are you going to do next time... Ground her?

 

Plus you are making excuses for drinking and how stressed she is - now you are mad when she makes a next bad choice? Putting her in her place means nothing. Until you step away from this you are truly laying on your back and taking it loyally.

[mickleb]

Got a horrible feeling we won't hear from the OP again, and that he's visited just to manage his feelings before he won back his 'power'. I hope we do, though.

 

This relationship is a mess. You seem to enjoy hurting and punishing each other. Ew.

 

People get involved in LDRs because they believe that their partner is the best option they have. They can be very useful for building excellent, mature communication skills. They are dependent on the latter. They can fail very easily but, if this level of communication cannot be reached or maintained, they cannot continue.

 

I cannot see why either party here would view the other as their best option. I cannot see what is positive about maintaining this hurtful relationship. I cannot see a happy future for these two. What I can see is two insecure, immature individuals, who don't respect each other and choose to spend their time trying to maintain a painful, unfulfilling relationship that will end in tears.

 

OP, if you want to come back and tell me why I've got the picture wrong, please do.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am disgusted by the OP

 

How can you enjoy talking like that to someone you love?

 

I see power games all around. This relationship is already dead.

[ascendotum]

All OP has done is teach her not to broadcast the pre-game to a gang-bang over skype.

 

From the pragmatic perspective, thats absolutely right. The thing is though if she is a dirty cheating wench by nature I really doubt she would have broadcast the little party the first time. This woman is Japanese. I have not dated one, but maybe they dont have the same mindset we do when it comes to relationship boundaries like we do. Japanese guys might be totally respectful of a woman who is in a relationship, and having a few drinks late at night is simply having a few drinks late at night over there. A number of the guys instinctively think, there is going to be GB, but for the typical japanese woman (and likely even the majority of men over there when it comes attached women) that thought of a 3 way after just talking their bf would never enter their head. She did the wrong thing but from Japanese dating perspective its possible she didn't realise it was a huge deal, but now she does. Just saying.

[EasyHeart]

Wow, you actually enjoyed talking to her like that?

 

You're quite the sadist, aren't you?

It's the dark side of Nice Guy Syndrome, isn't it? Act meek and passive most of the time, then blow up and become a viscous ***hole when you can't control it any more.

[Eternal Sunshine]

FYI, gang bangs pretty much only happen in porn.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's the dark side of Nice Guy Syndrome, isn't it? Act meek and passive most of the time, then blow up and become a viscous ***hole when you can't control it any more.

 

That's why I tend to cringe at people that describe themselves as "nice guys". All that pent up aggression

[TheBigQuestion]

What the hell? A few days ago everyone in this entire thread was talking about how this guy was letting this woman walk all over him because he refused to call her out on her poor behavior in a timely manner. Now that he actually DID express how he felt, he's being called sadistic? Nothing he said was out of line. Why the need to automatically interpret his statement that "it felt great" as meaning "I'm really glad I made her feel like crap," rather than "I'm relieved I finally addressed the situation." I agree with those that say they should break up, but did you really expect the guy's behavior to be all sunshine and roses? How civilized have YOU behaved when addressing your SO's potential cheating and/or boundary issues?