Girlfriend Drunk Skyped Me - I'm Not Happy

[Toonces]

My girlfriend and I are in our 30s, and in an LDR. She told me last night on Skype that she was going to a cocktail party, invited by a male friend (i met this guy once, old friend of hers). I asked her if any of her other friends would be there and she replied that she didn't know, probably not. I tell her to have fun and be safe.

 

My girlfriend is quite the drinker. She drinks nearly daily to get her mind off her corporate job and relax. I fully expected her to drink at this party and come home tipsy. I asked her to take a safe route home and drop me a text that she got home safely, even though I'd likely be asleep (she lives in Japan and roughly 5 hours behind my time).

 

I wake to my phone ringing at 07:30 AM and I can hear the caller ID speak her name. This is highly unusual I thought, I hope nothing is wrong. It's 2:30 AM her time, and this call means she wants me to get on Skype (based on how many rings). She never calls at this time, this is maybe the first time in our 8 month relationship.

 

I drag my butt out of bed and I look like crap, I can barely see. I hope something bad didn't happen. I turn on Skype to see her at home, dressed in party clothes, her lights dimmed, and her music is blaring. She is drunk and smiling into the camera. Clearly, she either just got home or is up late but didn't change clothes.

 

In my sleepiest voice and with half closed eyes I ask her, "Are you okay?". "Did you just get home?" She says she's fine. She's clearly drunk. She asks if she woke me up and I pause for a bit and say "yeaaah".

 

My next sentence is interrupted by the sound of voices in the background.

"Are there...people there?", I ask.

She pauses, then turns the camera to reveal maybe 3 guys there (room was dark), including the friend who invited her to the party.

 

I am pensive but manage to say "hi" to everyone. They are watching me on her monitor.

She directs my attention to two of the guys sitting against the wall telling me she met them for the first time tonight.

 

I whisper to her, "Why are there three guys at your house at 2:30 in the morning?"

She senses my growing irritation and whispers to the mic, "These guys are really happy right now". This is her way of saying not to ruin the mood.

 

I am half asleep, confused, irritated, and now being observed by a bunch of drunk guys in my girlfriends house at 2:30 AM on a drunk girlfriend Skype call, long distance.

 

She senses something amiss and says, "This is maybe a bad time, let's talk later". I agree, choke down my annoyance, and politely say my good nights to everyone in the room.

 

----

 

I want to know why she thought it was cool idea to call me on Skype, to show me strange drunk guys in her home, and then imply I was bringing the party mood down. I am clearly bothered by this event. If I were to speak to her right now, I'm not sure I could keep a cool head.

 

We have a scheduled Skype call in 12 hours. How should I deal with her?

[communityFan]

If I saw three guys, I would be so infuriated that I wouldn't be even able speak. In what world would a girl who is in a relationship thinks that is a appropriate.

[veggirl]

If I saw three guys, I would be so infuriated that I wouldn't be even able speak. In what world would a girl who is in a relationship thinks that is a appropriate.

 

me too (although sexes reversed!). There would be none of this "whispering" s.hit about what is going on and whatnot.

 

OP I would not even be making that skype date if I was you.

[chphan]

I assure you, AlexCross, I am not a troll. This just happened 3 hours ago. I'd greatly appreciate serious advice on how to deal with her.

 

 

what's there to deal with? Those 3 guys are happy for a reason. She got drunk and they took advantage of the situation although with her drunk consent.

 

Do you need us to draw you a picture and describe why there are 3 guys in a room with her and what happen after you got off skype?

 

The question now is whether or not you can get past this or how gullible you are when she lies or give an excuse for it.

[Toonces]

communityFan, I was so tired from working till midnight. I was pretty slow on the uptake on Skype. If I had been my awake self... yeah I'd be, infuriated, reactionary, livid, threatening. Now I'm awake and it's hitting me now, while I'm trying to get work done I agree with you, how is this somehow okay in her mind? And to wake me up to Skype like it's cool and/or sweet.

 

veggirl, I am thinking about doing just that. Why did she bother to Skype me. Even if her intent wasn't to cheat, just the idea of those guys being there pisses me off. I get a weird feeling she doesn't know she did something wrong.

 

She easily could have hid her activities, she's in Japan after all. eg Skype from a different room or not at all. But she thought she was being sweet.

 

Benefit of the doubt, or unleash hell?

[Imajerk17]

Time to end this. You cant trust her. Even if " nothing happened" she puts herself in compromising positions--not cool.

[Imajerk17]

Unleash hell. Make us all proud man!

 

Seriously unleash hell and break up with her.

[communityFan]

Toonces,

 

Just do a best case worst case scenario.

 

Best Case: The 4 of them played board games all night and nothing happened. In that instance your GF thought it was okay to get drunk and invite 3 drunk guys to her apartment...very poor judgement.

 

Worst case: She filled out her fantasy of having sex with 3 dudes at the same time.

 

In the best case you are dealing with someone who makes very poor choices.

[Star Gazer]

She senses my growing irritation and whispers to the mic, "These guys are really happy right now". This is her way of saying not to ruin the mood.

 

I think that was actually her way of telling you they were high.

[bluegreen]

O wow not cool not cool at all its not like few friends where hanging around in a middle of the day or even 9 pm but at that time and not even ONE GIRL ?

Is she asking to be molested or something and that daily drinking also its lousy excuse for her behavior there are many more individuals who have high level stressed jobs and not drink at all.

She seems weak immature irresponsible and prone to put herself in hair raising situation I bet that a... of her friend put her up to this to provoke you and put you down make you jealous and show her that she can get such a reaction and feelings from you are you sure they are "just" friends ?

 

Am sorry to be so blunt I mean not to hurt you am just someone who calls spade spade am also in LDR and would never even dream to do this to my boyfriend and he would leave me in second if I did and he would be right to do so I wish you all the best but you have to talk to her really and say stuff like this better never happen again or she will find herself without boyfriend = You ...

[ascendotum]

Toonces,

 

Just do a best case worst case scenario.

 

Best Case: The 4 of them played board games all night and nothing happened. In that instance your GF thought it was okay to get drunk and invite 3 drunk guys to her apartment...very poor judgement.

 

Worst case: She filled out her fantasy of having sex with 3 dudes at the same time.

 

In the best case you are dealing with someone who makes very poor choices.

 

I'm inclined to go with this. My initial thoughts were that she was drunk and happy and you were on her mind and she wanted to talk to you simply because she is in love and happy and is missing you and is reconnecting with you to stay strong despite the distance to help with temptation. They could easily have just watched a dvd and played music had a few more drinks and crashed. You would like to think if she had any intention of cheating that she would not skype you to let you see 3 dudes in her room at night.

 

On the other hand Greznog's take on this could easily be the case too. She called you because she is happy but also drunk & horny. If these guys showed respect for the fact that she had a bf and just kept it respectable then there is a good chance your gf would remain faithful and nothing would happen. If they decided to ramp things up with flirty talk and suggest something like a game of strip poker, who knows. A lot of **** happens when girls are drunk.

I guess it depends on how well you know your gf before she went to Japan.

Bottom line it was poor choice to invite 3 'presumably single' men back to her place at 2am when drunk. I'd be pissed and my mind would be spinning worst case scenario through my mind. I guess it would have been worse if it was just 1 guy that came back to her apt.

[Chunky]

She doesn't respect you. That's evident. You have to ask yourself if you want to have a girlfriend who likes to get drunk then invites strange men back to her place. You deserve better. I'd let her go if I were you.

[Imported]

Maybe she was telling them what a cool and attractive boyfriend she has when she was at the party where those guys were hitting on her. They didn't believe it and through some crazy reasoning, she decideds to introduce them to you to prove how cool and attractive you are and that they aren't getting **** from her, because she is so in love with you.

 

 

Yeah, maybe that's it.

[TaraMaiden]

Toonces, loads of accurate advice here - simply completely unacceptable - and any crap about "I couldn't help it, i was drunk" is just more of the same baloney, so don't let that piece of 'wisdom' be pulled over your eyes....

 

Methinks this relationship - isn't.

Edited August 7, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Eternal Sunshine]

Last night I went out and got a lift from 2 of my brother's friends. My brother left early and I stayed on with them. I barely know them and they are not his close friends by any means. I invited them in and we laughed and watched How I Met Your Mother for a couple of hours and then they crashed in my spare bedroom. Absolutely nothing happened. We were all tipsy too.

 

Just sayin'.

[Toonces]

communityFan - Wise words. It helps to hear articulate advice from someone not clouded by my anger. I know her "reasonably" well to think she wouldn't engage in a 4-way, but probably not enough apparently since she pulled this stunt. The "Best Case" sounds about right, but I feel it's more than very poor judgement. I feel slighted and largely disrespected, along with the relationship.

 

bluegreen - That made sense. Her friend is a long time friend of hers but is one of those perpetually single, quiet, doesn't quite communicate, effeminate Japanese guys. I have no way of telling if he did put her up to it but I will find out. It doesn't sound far fetched. Didn't think of that at all. I'm building my riot act script in my head now. Thanks!

 

ascendotum - Your initial thought was what I normally would think. Something in our conversation tipped my sh*t test detector. Just a little. I will demand full disclosure. It's going to be hell unleashed tonight, it's just a matter of degree now.

 

Chunky - Agreed. No respect. This is not the first time. She's got a severe esteem problem and does dumb, defeatist stuff a lot. But this time, no talking out of it. Something will change. I can't deal with it.

 

Imported - That's not too far off the possible, to be honest. The other night, she had a girlfriend over and was showing her my letters to her and showing off a few other things I gave her. Later on Skype she was telling me about this. Her way of qualifying the relationship I guess.

 

TaraMaiden - Agree, no way the drunk excuse will cut it. She chose to get drunk and stay out late. She tried that before, along with heavy sobbing, and yelling. When that happens, I know I have the upper hand and turn into the Rock of Gibraltar. Nothing gets through. Been there done that.

[Star Gazer]

Last night I went out and got a lift from 2 of my brother's friends. My brother left early and I stayed on with them. I barely know them and they are not his close friends by any means. I invited them in and we laughed and watched How I Met Your Mother for a couple of hours and then they crashed in my spare bedroom. Absolutely nothing happened. We were all tipsy too.

 

Just sayin'.

 

Yeah, but you proooooobably wouldn't have done that if you had a boyfriend you were serious about. Right?

[bluegreen]

communityFan - Wise words. It helps to hear articulate advice from someone not clouded by my anger. I know her "reasonably" well to think she wouldn't engage in a 4-way, but probably not enough apparently since she pulled this stunt. The "Best Case" sounds about right, but I feel it's more than very poor judgement. I feel slighted and largely disrespected, along with the relationship.

 

bluegreen - That made sense. Her friend is a long time friend of hers but is one of those perpetually single, quiet, doesn't quite communicate, effeminate Japanese guys. I have no way of telling if he did put her up to it but I will find out. It doesn't sound far fetched. Didn't think of that at all. I'm building my riot act script in my head now. Thanks!

 

ascendotum - Your initial thought was what I normally would think. Something in our conversation tipped my sh*t test detector. Just a little. I will demand full disclosure. It's going to be hell unleashed tonight, it's just a matter of degree now.

 

Chunky - Agreed. No respect. This is not the first time. She's got a severe esteem problem and does dumb, defeatist stuff a lot. But this time, no talking out of it. Something will change. I can't deal with it.

 

Imported - That's not too far off the possible, to be honest. The other night, she had a girlfriend over and was showing her my letters to her and showing off a few other things I gave her. Later on Skype she was telling me about this. Her way of qualifying the relationship I guess.

 

TaraMaiden - Agree, no way the drunk excuse will cut it. She chose to get drunk and stay out late. She tried that before, along with heavy sobbing, and yelling. When that happens, I know I have the upper hand and turn into the Rock of Gibraltar. Nothing gets through. Been there done that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you you seem like decent guy and Japan is hell of the way to far and that tells me a lot about how much you care for her and once again since am in just a like relationship.

I know exactly that it demands time commitment honesty sweat and tears to make it "from both sides" unfortunately you seem to be stronger one more mature and stable one to but how long will you be able to carry on both of you before breaking apart ?

 

 

I did not say nothing before but as I said you seem decent boy and I have a soft spot for such a people my loved one at a beginning of our relationship was more or less like her wandering eye flirty this that and it tore us apart in horrible break up t for a year or more.

I guess he was not ready to commit or be grown up when we started talking again I changed my tune and started demanding what was my right respect love commitment and no less I stopped letting him get away with crap big or small but I loved him well to I guess its like training child or puppy sounds bad I know but it actually means teaching people how to treat you and once they realize you are not doormat they start respecting you and actually really falling in love with you.

 

Now we adore each other more then ever yes he still does stupid stuff from time to time pisses me off and we end up in war but he knows better then doing anything really bad like cheating or such maybe you should let her know "OK doll yeah me love you but you either start behaving or loose me got that good if not don't let the door hit your butt on way out" ...

[The Way I Am]

What I'm having trouble with is why you're in an 8 month LDR when you're over 30? Usually people realize that LDRs are a bad idea in their 20's. I don't want to be mean, but this is a perfect example of why they're a bad idea. I could understand trying to continue a long-term relationship that was forced to become long distance due to circumstances, but this is only 8 months.

 

Is the long distance only temporary like for a month or less? If it's not, I just don't get why you're continuing the relationship.

[NXS]

She told me last night on Skype that she was going to a cocktail party, invited by a male friend (i met this guy once, old friend of hers). I asked her if any of her other friends would be there and she replied that she didn't know, probably not. I tell her to have fun and be safe.

 

I think this may be your problem here, she told you she was going out with a male friend alone and you didn't say anything about it therefore you gave her 'permission' to do what she did (in her mind of course). She let you know the consequences of your passive approach to this relationship.

[NXS]

What I'm having trouble with is why you're in an 8 month LDR when you're over 30? Usually people realize that LDRs are a bad idea in their 20's. I don't want to be mean, but this is a perfect example of why they're a bad idea. I could understand trying to continue a long-term relationship that was forced to become long distance due to circumstances, but this is only 8 months.

 

Is the long distance only temporary like for a month or less? If it's not, I just don't get why you're continuing the relationship.

 

^^^ this as well. OP what is your situation? Is it just a temporary LDR?

[Toonces]

Update...

 

She called for a mid-day Skype call (this is very unusual).

I didn't join the call, I texted her instead.

 

Me: xxx-chan. Im out right now. Ill call you at the normal time.

Her: I wanted to talk to you . That's why i called you ( v^-゜)♪

Me: <No response>

Her again:yyy-chan, Sorry i won't be at home on normal skype time today. If you can be on skype earlier, it would be good(*^^*)

Me 1 hour later: Okay, have a great Sunday.

 

I'm still pissed, so maybe it's best I don't talk to her for a while.

 

bluegreen - Thank you. I too truly hope for something positive to come from this. Glad to hear of your happier story.

 

The Way I Am - We met in my state, she moved back to Japan because of work, our plan is to have her move back here to live early next year. It's not the best of situations.

 

NXS - I have a different way of doing things. I won't tell her not to go out with her long time friend, a friend I met and drank with on two different occasions. Especially being a LDR. I gave her enough rope, she can decide how to use it. But deal with the consequences of those decisions.

Edited August 5, 2012 by Toonces
formatting

[NXS]

NXS - I have a different way of doing things. I won't tell her not to go out with her long time friend, a friend I met and drank with on two different occasions. Especially being a LDR. I gave her enough rope, she can decide how to use it. But deal with the consequences of those decisions.

 

Yes, your way of doing things is to be passive and not set any boundaries. She told you she was going out alone with a male friend and you didn't show any reaction to this. She was looking for a reaction, something to show that your serious about your relationship. You failed to do this and so she's losing respect for you, hence she had no problem 'disrespecting' you. Now she's probably sober and regretful about it but actions speak louder than words.

 

You've done it here again:

 

Me 1 hour later: Okay, have a great Sunday.

 

You're raging with this woman and you just tell her to "have a great Sunday"?

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah, i have to say, you're so laid back about this, you're horizontal - and she's reading that as a walk-over....

 

Maybe you DO need to rip her a new one, just to show her where you stand... the longer you leave it, the more the situation will dissipate and water will flow under the bridge....

 

you really should strike while the iron is hot...

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yeah, but you proooooobably wouldn't have done that if you had a boyfriend you were serious about. Right?

 

No, I wouldn't have as that would be too disrespectful to my boyfriend.

 

I guess I was trying to say that "gang bang" probably didn't happen.