Untouchable_Fire Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) Well I finally told her she needs to leave the house...and now she's staying with a friend. But I do plan ok moving back to the state that ibam originally from, Bcuz I don't know anybody where we are right now and my entire support system is back home..she is not trying to get custody of my daughter l, I think its Bcuz she knows I can go to her commander if I wanted to..but the crazy thing is even though I'm leaving her I can't help but to keep attacking her verbally..I constantly remind her how much of an awful evil person she is..I basically try to say whatever I can to make her cry so she can feel what I feel.. childish as it is I can't seem to help myself..I dropped my career back home and everything I knew to move outta state and get married..I feel like I'm loosing everything but she isnt.. I basically have to move on start all over with my life and that sucks. Stop bashing her verbally. You can't hurt her the way she hurt you... even if you stabbed her with a knife. It's the hardest part of this kind of cheating. It is only natural that you feel like lashing out verbally, just do your best to stop. Just tell her how much she hurt you... apologize for being verbally abusive. Then take your daughter and go. Go live with family and rebuild your life. Make sure she can see your daughter a lot. Edited August 21, 2012 by Untouchable_Fire
Author j.temp Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 I know a couple of 21/22 year old girls (my DD21's friends) who just frankly believe that it's their job in life to do whatever makes them happy. If it takes a dozen men, so be it. The husband/boyfriend is just dumb for putting up with it. That's literally how they think. Well Turnera you were absolutely right. She doesn't care about anything but her own happiness. So this is the current update on my story. I did move back with my parents and my daughter has been back in forth between Ga with my wife and Va with me. My wife came here over the holidays and spent 3 weeks with me and my entire family. It was a great Christmas, it seemed like this family is what she really wanted. She even went and got my name tattoed on her. Everything seemed good but when she left to go back to ga she started actin distant within a week. So we argued about the affair again, and I thought the argument was over. I apologized the next day for bringing the affair back up and I figured all is good, but later that day she called and told me she is filing for divorce. Her reasons were because she messed our marriage up beyond repair and she just no longer wants to be married. She said that she was never ready for marriage in the first place and shouldn't have did it. She is saying she doesn't even know if she still even loves me. Not even 24hrs after telling me she is filing, she is calling me at work trying to get info from me for the divorce papers. I was curious why she is trying to rush this divorce, and her response was there is no need to sit on it..she is very unhappy and depressed and wants to hurry and get out. She also said that she is going to give me custody of our daughter and pay me child support. This is still very unexpected and it hurts like hell. I feel like she has no right to leave me after she is the one who had the affair. Last year was the worst year of my entire life and now it looks like this is gonna be another bad year. I know I can't make her love me or want to be with me, but I'm still crushed and not sure what to even do. I'm tempted to still report the affair to her army commander because she is being really cold and ruthless a out filing for divorce. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I barely have enough strength to make it through the day. I'm scared that I won't be a good father because I'm so depressed. I just don know
BetrayedH Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Just wanted to say I can sympathize. My wife had an affair also ended up throwing in the towel on our marriage. It's a double-whammy for sure, especially when children are involved; I have two (6 yo girl and a 10 yo boy). Try to focus on your next life. Easier said than done but it's what I keep coming back to. Focusing on her just leaves you stuck in the past. Two other thoughts: (1). Keep in mind that impacting her career impacts her income, her ability to pay, and ultimately less support for your daughter. I've had to stay focused on what would be best for my kids rather than what would be most satisfying for me. (2). As amiable as she may sound now about a divorce, that all changes once the attorneys get involved. You should have zero trust that she's going to do the right thing here. Get your own attorney and see what your wife proposes in writing. I bet it ain't gonna be as gracious as she said. Life will go on, brother. I spent 19 years with my wife before finding out I'm better off without her. 3
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Last year was the worst year of my entire life and now it looks like this is gonna be another bad year. I know I can't make her love me or want to be with me, but I'm still crushed and not sure what to even do. I'm tempted to still report the affair to her army commander because she is being really cold and ruthless a out filing for divorce. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I barely have enough strength to make it through the day. I'm scared that I won't be a good father because I'm so depressed. I just don know I sure know how you are feeling. I get that way too. Can't hardly breath. Feeling dizzy. Head so foggy you can't think. I have a very high pressure job that I love but when I get like this I can't do my job. I just sit and cry or stare into space. Going through this is like kicking hard core street drugs. You will feel pain for a long time. It helps to exercise. (Right, you can't stand up but I'm saying exercise!) Also see a shrink. Get some meds. And remember you probably felt like this before. It got better. You will feel better again. In the middle of an episode like this it is hard to believe. You think this time is different and you will never feel better again. But you will. You get stronger every time you cycle through this kind of thing.
Darren Steez Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Buddy you've been in pain, now it's time to let the pain go. You've. tried to hold it together, so don't look at it as failure because it's not. She has hurt you time and time again, every time you get your hopes ups she sabotages it. It probably makes her feel good in some way, messing with someone's emotions, having that power over you. Time to take that power away, time to remove yourself as her punching bag, time to stand up for yourself and reclaim not only your sanity but your happiness. Aren't you tired of this? Since august you've been writing and no change. Give her her divorce, she doesn't love you and she'll continue to use you as her personal crap dumper. Go and be happy. You've earned it! 2
turnera Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 No offense, but it doesn't sound like you've been doing any learning and growing on your own. Learning to love yourself. Going to IC? Anything? After all this time, you should have at least accepted that she's using you. 1
Author j.temp Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 No offense, but it doesn't sound like you've been doing any learning and growing on your own. Learning to love yourself. Going to IC? Anything? After all this time, you should have at least accepted that she's using you. Your absolutely right..I haven't been doing any growing of my own. I dont even know where to start. And it's hard for me to love myself when I've thrown everything I've had into something that gave me grief in return. I take full responsibility for my part. I knew how she was damaged before I even got with her, but I didn't listen to my instinct. I thought I could change her, but I realize now that I can't. I have start seeing a therapist and she is putting me on meds in a week. I'm just living minute by minute right now. I just hope it'll get better. At first when she said she wanted a divorce, I actually begged her not too but she was so said its no chance she will change her mind. She was so cold and blunt about it. I'm going to sign the papers after everything checks out and I have custody of my daughter. But it's still gonna hurt
turnera Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Start looking at what you have to be grateful for. Custody of your daughter? Practically unheard of! Imagine having to give up half her life. And you're still young, and the women you meet now who will want to date a man with a daughter will be GOOD women and worth marrying. You're in a good position. Definitely take the meds, for at least 6 months. Let it stablize you and lift you up past the sadness. Once you're there, life will be much easier. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I'm going to sign the papers after everything checks out and I have custody of my daughter. But it's still gonna hurt Focus on your daughter and healing too. I'm glad to hear you have custody. Or do you mean you're going to try to get full custody?
Author j.temp Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 Focus on your daughter and healing too. I'm glad to hear you have custody. Or do you mean you're going to try to get full custody? She is willingly giving me custody of my daughter. It's all in the divorce papers. I have read over them and they are currently in my possession. All I have to do is sign them
TobyBoy Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Do not sign anything before consulting with a lawyer! 1
AbeNormal Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 (edited) j.temp Be careful with the medicine – that can be a double-edged sword. This is, of course, not medical advice (since I’m in no position to offer that) – but consider starting out with the lowest dose your doctor thinks might help, and get some serious exercise (with a real exercise routine), etc. to help you cope. I would “up the exercise” before I “upped the drugs”, but your doctor/psychiatrist can give you real advice about that. Stay away from alcohol!! I can tell you, with complete certainty, that just makes things more difficult and might lead to additional problems - think about your daughter. You are suffering. Your wife cheated on you (in an outrageous way) and you know she had problems well before you met her. Here is one additional thing that you should think about (if you haven’t already) - what kind of woman/mother would willingly, and fully, relinquish custody of their child (to reduce the complexity of her life)? I would say a woman that you and your daughter will be much better off living without - but I'm sure it pains you to think about the older child... Sucks, but that’s the way it is. As others have mentioned, you would be well advised to have a lawyer go over those documents even if it costs a bit of money – perhaps your family can help with that if you are temporarily short of funds. You don’t need to to do that in such a way as to make your wife feel that you are doubting her or trying to back her into a corner, but you don’t want any surprises down the road - you really do need to get proper legal advice. As turnera says, think about the positives for your future with your child (and a woman that you have yet to meet - but will). Edited January 13, 2013 by AbeNormal 1
In Like Flynn Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 She is rushing for a reason....find out why before you sign!! Check with your lawyer about military and custody/visitation etc. Does she have orders to another base or overseas deployment making her rush?? It could be anything but you have it in writing already so no rush.
Oberfeldwebel Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I know this is a tough situation and way too common in the military. Accept the fact that she is giving you uncontested custody of your daughter. Also, you have a lot of work to do. I recommend an exercise regiment, this will help reduce stress, make you healthier and more attractive to others, sometime in the future. This is a great time for you to renew an interest in a hobby or to explore one that has always been on your bucket list. Concentrate on your daughter, there will be a time for dating and future relationships, but you need to emotionally finish this relationship, before you try to develop a new one. The emotions you have expressed here are normal, but eventually you will get to acceptance of what was and as unfortunate that is was that it didn't work, you have learn from the experience and will be a better partner for the next women. Best of luck to you.
Recommended Posts