My wife had an affair for 7 months

[j.temp]

Hello everyone. I'm new to this but I thought I would try to get some advice from someone other than family and friends. My wife and I are both young. I am 26 and she is 22, we also have two little girls, which the oldest isn't biologically mine, but I have became her father over the years and I'm all she knows as a father. We have been married for 1yr this month. I found out in march of this year that she had been having an emotional affair with her co-worker for 5 months. How I found out was that she was logged on his facebook on our computer and never logged off, so of course when I seen his facebook I instantly knew something was wrong. So I looked through there messages and I was devastated by what I had seen. They had been secretly spending time together and the were also saying how they love each other. When I confronted her about it, she told me the truth about them or so I thought. She said that she had ended their affair in January because she couldn't no longer continue to hurt this family. She said they never had sex, they only kissed. So I decided to stay with her and go to counseling. After a couple months I still had feelings that something wasn't right, and of course everyone would say its because of what happened and I just dont trust her, but I just had a gut feeling that they were still involved. So in June I came across some more things on our computer. I found out not only did she not stop the affair like she said, but they never slowed down. She had been sending explicit videos of herself to him and they had been sexually involved with each other. I have been so depressed ever since and I don't know what to do. She claims that she really messed up and she wants to make this work, that she doesnt want to loose me. How can I ever believe she will do the right thing this time. I'm so lost and I feel even worse that we have kids together. Someone please give me some advise

[Radu]

This will be long, and probably a bit painfull.

First you need to figure out what you want to do ... stay or leave.

Either is fine, but staying for your kid/kids is not an option as she will grow up in a rather emotionless and unhappy home.

 

What you did wrong.

When you face something like this [january incident] you have 3 options :

- break up

- reconcile keeping in mind that the WS should pull the wagon and there is full transparency, and she has no right to privacy, and she goes NC with OM/OW, and even like this it will take 2-5yrs to forgive ... you will never forget

- the BS [you], sweeps it under the rug

MC therapists go about 50:50 on this, if you want to get through this, the 2nd option [reconcile without sweeping] has i think better results long term, but the sweeping one has quick result, as basically a partner will sacrifice themselves for the marriage.

You basically took it upon yourself to pay for her crime, and she got off free without repercusions.

What you did is quite beautifull, but you also need a spouse that appreciates it for what it is ... and your wife ain't that spouse.

 

Now :

- she knows how to drive it underground better

- that she doesn't have to pay for her mistakes

- that you are all talk

- that she can manipulate you all she wants

 

So now you have to make a choice, reconcile or go for divorce.

The good thing is that the path for both of these is quite similar for a while.

In both cases you need to 'go to the mattresses', get tough, stand up for your rights :

- are you legally responsible for the older girl or not [i'm talking child support here]

- what do you know about the OM that can hurt their affair fog ?; does he have a job with a company that looks down on this, a family ?

- store the messages between them [FB already stores them so you can subpoena them at the D trial], find more proof

- talk to a lawyer and find out what your liability is

- if you have a lawyer in the family or close to her family, talk to him about something different and pay for half an hr of consultation. By law they are not allowed to then represent your wife, as it will be a conflict of interests.

- take stock of your support network, where you can get help and such.

- look up the 180 and implement it the moment you start the D proceedings

- do not tip her off in any way, act like normal

 

The moment this breaks out, she will blame you some way or another, and will try to turn the ppl against you.

This is where the proof comes in handy.

If you are in the US and there is undeniable proof, check to see if you can make the guy the subject of an alienation of affection suit, ask your lawyer.

I would also DNA test the younger daughter if i were you.

 

If you want to divorce, the above steps will put you in a good place to get partial custody of your girls and take care of them, to give them stability in life.

It will also send a good message to the kids, as they grow older and find out of this story [it always comes out], you will provide them with a good strong male rolemodel instead of a bad one.

If you want to reconcile, the above steps will help you shatter her affair fog.

Though tbh, her betrayal is quite complete ... you willingly wanted to become a family with a single mother, and i bet she had the first kid when she was a teen.

 

Good luck.

[GLDheart]

I feel for you j.temp. Your wife just put you in the worst hell. It is one alot of us here share with you.

 

Radu had some decent advice up there. I'd also suggest immediate change. She needs to understand that her behavior has cause and effect. I don't know what your living, financial, and family support situations are like. However, I would suggest not living together at this point. You'll be too tempted to accept her shallow apology and rug sweep again.

 

Without her involvment, come up with your plan. Map out who will stay where, what days you will share the children, how finances will be taken care of etc. Then drop this on her by demanding a seperation. I know your gut says then she will just run to this other man. Well, she's already doing that but using you as well. You can't stop her from screwing other guys, that's her choice, but you can stop her from using you.

 

If she gets a taste of the destruction she has caused MAYBE she will then put forth the work to rebuild a family with you. If not, It's time to go the Divorce route. Be a good Dad to your girls and move on from this selfish soul destroying woman.

[drifter777]

I don't know how you possibly can believe your wife now when she already was discovered and continued to lie and cheat. You should leave and take some time by yourself - away from her - to sort out your feelings. Find a counselor and start working on your own recovery from her betrayal.

 

You are both so young I'm assuming the children are very young as well. You shouldn't let their welfare overwhelm your decision as kids are very resilient when they are young. Do what's best for you. Period. Only try to reconcile with your wife if she is shows true remorse, cuts off all contact with OM and any other OM, and is willing to do whatever it takes to earn back your trust. If she can do that then it's up to you whether you want to go through all the pain and work of reconciling with someone who has proven to be a lying cheat.

[Radu]

I can't stress enough for you to store the information that proves she had an affair, i made the FB comment in case she deletes them and you end up having to prove affair in front of a judge when you get divorced.

 

But that proof will come in handy because WS have 1-up on you when it comes to manipulations, they have manipulated BS's for a while to have the affair.

And if need be they will also continue lying to their families/friends, which could be used to bring them out of the affair fog.

[j.temp]

I did save everything that I found between them. We are currently seperated now. I moved in with a friend for the time being. I can't even stomach being in that house anymore. It's hard for me to go by there to spend time with my little girls, Bcuz everytime I'm around her I think about how wrong she did me in this marriage. I don't think I even want to try counseling. We tried it the first time I found out and she was still messing around me. The hardest part for is actually walking away and knowing she will probably end up that *******. After I found out I actually stayed with her for a few weeks but everytime we touched or had sex I would think about them two together. I found myself lashing out at her all the time Bcuz of the affair. I'm just tired of feeling this way. She says we can't move on unless I let it go, but seriously how can you let something like this go. Especially after a month

[Med]

j.temp listen to these guy's who know & understand what you're going through. And pay attention to soupduck, he might sound harsh but he is right on the money on this.

[Lauriebell82]

Oy. I dont think your wife has ANY plans to "make this work." She obviously is not done with this guy after she told you she was. She isn't trusthworthy and is STILL hurting your family after her lies about breaking off the affair to not hurt you guys.

 

I would agree that this is bad considering you have children. One of them isn't your's though, if the other one even is, considering how long she has been cheating. I would agree with getting a DNA test. You didn't state their ages, but I would guess they are very young. Unfortunately, there may be a lot of hurt and anguish for them at the hands of your WIFE, not you. I dont think she has any plans to stop this affair anytime soon and she will continue to lie and go behind your back if you stay. Please don't feel guilty for leaving, and yes you do need to leave as painful as it will be.

 

I agree with all the other posters that divorce is really the only option here. She is not remorseful, has no plans to stop, and doesn't care about lying or betraying you. Why would you want a wife like that???

 

I did save everything that I found between them. We are currently seperated now. I moved in with a friend for the time being.

 

Good for you. Start divorce proceedings before she has a chance to manipulate you into coming back to her.

Edited August 5, 2012 by Lauriebell82

[j.temp]

As far as our youngest child is concerned I have no doubt in my mind that e baby is mine. If only you could see her and see me..lol..but I am def taking in all the other advice u guys

[j.temp]

Yea I do. Why?

[Fitz]

Cheaters always say stuff like they only kissed, it's out of the cheater's playbook.

 

"Kissed" means "had sex" in cheater-speak.

 

It's absolutely guaranteed that the seven month affair was consumated, and they didn't use a condom, either.

 

This "we only kissed" BS is absolutely what happened to me with my ex.

And yep -she didn't use a condom either.

 

Once your wife reaches the point of secretly making amatuer porn, I'd say its time to pack your bags. No woman is worth that much trouble.

Edited August 5, 2012 by Fitz

[Artie Lang]

your wife is trying to rugsweep the affair. you can't allow her to do this. she must face what she has done!

 

she needs to do all the heavy lifting here.

[Radu]

I did save everything that I found between them. We are currently seperated now. I moved in with a friend for the time being. I can't even stomach being in that house anymore. It's hard for me to go by there to spend time with my little girls, Bcuz everytime I'm around her I think about how wrong she did me in this marriage. I don't think I even want to try counseling. We tried it the first time I found out and she was still messing around me. The hardest part for is actually walking away and knowing she will probably end up that *******. After I found out I actually stayed with her for a few weeks but everytime we touched or had sex I would think about them two together. I found myself lashing out at her all the time Bcuz of the affair. I'm just tired of feeling this way. She says we can't move on unless I let it go, but seriously how can you let something like this go. Especially after a month

 

I'll translate this for you.

It means 'i want you to take responsability for what i did, deal with it, deal with the emotional problems, it is your job after all to validate me'.

 

OP, even if you know the 2nd kid is yours, a DNA test sends a message.

I think most women in her situation would fear the message more than the consequences, because :

- men have been ordered to pay for kids they did not conceive and didn't know they were not theirs [paternity fraud is not punished]

- she played a damsel in distress on you, the DNA test threatens that in the future; she will continue playing this because that's all she knows ... 'oh, woe is me ... 22yrs old and 2 men have left me with kids'

Edited August 5, 2012 by Radu

[jnj express]

1st things 1st---get your butt, back into your home---if this goes to D., and she has a good atty, you get nailed for ABANDONMENT---so just go home---if she won't leave, then move her out of the marital bedroom, into a small room somewhere in the house---throw all her clothes, cosmetics, and belongings in with her---and tell her that's where she lives---for that is what her reality will be like if you D., her---no mr nice-guy, and no lovery-dovey---for now.

 

She wants this put behind her---we'll tell her to guess again---it will never be swept under the rug

 

Your mistake the 1st time around, was that there were no HARSH consequences, there must be HARSH consequences, otherwise, well I don't have to tell you do I, she just went underground and continued on

 

Its up to you if you stay, and live in misery or not----but if you do stay

 

These are the things that WILL happen

 

She gives up all social websites, she has an unlocked open phone---she is never to talk to a single male, or a married male you don't know ---EVER AGAIN

 

If she works, she is home immediately after work---she does nothing with single GF's

 

What she does do, is act like a married wife and mother---and she spends all her time, every bit of it---with her H., and her family----if you say jump---she answers with how high

 

There is no dixcussion, no arguing, no her getting mad/unhappy---no ANYTHING from her---what she will give you is ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING to make the R work---including---repentance/contriteness/remorse/and accountability

 

If she does not like your boundaries, pack her clothes, and show her the door

 

 

 

from now on there is ZERO TOLERANCE, as to her actions.

[drifter777]

 

- men have been ordered to pay for kids they did not conceive and didn't know they were not theirs [paternity fraud is not punished]

 

Sorry to be off topic, but this is so sick and is 180 degrees away from common sense. It makes me angry.

 

If a cuckolded man has to pay child support then the cheating bitch should at least do a year of hard time for fraud.

[drifter777]

I did save everything that I found between them. We are currently seperated now. I moved in with a friend for the time being. I can't even stomach being in that house anymore. It's hard for me to go by there to spend time with my little girls, Bcuz everytime I'm around her I think about how wrong she did me in this marriage. I don't think I even want to try counseling. We tried it the first time I found out and she was still messing around me. The hardest part for is actually walking away and knowing she will probably end up that *******. After I found out I actually stayed with her for a few weeks but everytime we touched or had sex I would think about them two together. I found myself lashing out at her all the time Bcuz of the affair. I'm just tired of feeling this way. She says we can't move on unless I let it go, but seriously how can you let something like this go. Especially after a month

 

I applaud you for walking out. The separation is a great way to ease out of your wife's manipulative grip. I understand everything you say here, including the selfish, manipulative, insulting demand that you "let go" of her betrayal. Call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. See your kids but stay away from her. Every minute you are emotionally invested in this woman is a minute wasted. Yes, knowing she will end up with him (or someone like him) hurts right now, but you have a whole world of women to tear in to so I'm sure you are going to heal up real fast.

 

Stay strong.

[TG1]

I would leave her even though there is kids involved, I would still be a part of her life because of the girls but other than that, whatever future we would have together would be gone, but that is only what I would do if I were in your shoes but I am not, so if I were you, do you still love her?

 

If you do, then you should work out things in your marriage to make sure something like this doesn't happen again but at the same time you shouldn't trust anything she tells you at all, you should always have your guard up and you would have it so that she is the one who is working to earn your trust back

 

I would leave her because if she could do it once and then do it again, she will keep lying

 

If I were you, I would take your daughters away from her and leave her

[turnera]

j.temp, she is too young to be married. And she has a flaw. Divorce her, care for your daughter, and move on to find someone mature enough to be a good partner.

[Dreamless Sleep]

Your story has some things that really touch close to my story. First move on. She will repeat this. I know. Her lack of remorse is key to that.

Don't wait for it to happen again and again like I did. We get stuck clinging on to a fantasy of what it was, or could be or should be. It's over. Sorry

[turnera]

I know a couple of 21/22 year old girls (my DD21's friends) who just frankly believe that it's their job in life to do whatever makes them happy. If it takes a dozen men, so be it. The husband/boyfriend is just dumb for putting up with it. That's literally how they think.

[j.temp]

Well here's an update on my situation.. I recently found reason to believe that her and the OM are still in contact with each other...I don't know why I expected anything different, but it still hurts like hell. I figured if she is still have any sort of contact with this man after everything we went through then she obviously has no respect for me or this marriage. Although she is denying having any contact, I have no reason to believe her and I kinda have proof of it anyway. So I decided to pack my things and leave. I thought about reporting it numerous times Bcuz my wife is in the army, but I decided not to ruin her life like she has ruined mine...Going through with this divorce is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. Sometimes I don't eve know how I'm going to make it through the day, I am at my lowest point and I don't know how to pick myself back up again. Everything seems so hopeless, I try to stay strong for ky daughters sake but it seems impossible..all I can say is it hurts so bad

[Furious]

Well here's an update on my situation.. I recently found reason to believe that her and the OM are still in contact with each other...I don't know why I expected anything different, but it still hurts like hell. I figured if she is still have any sort of contact with this man after everything we went through then she obviously has no respect for me or this marriage. Although she is denying having any contact, I have no reason to believe her and I kinda have proof of it anyway. So I decided to pack my things and leave. I thought about reporting it numerous times Bcuz my wife is in the army, but I decided not to ruin her life like she has ruined mine...Going through with this divorce is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. Sometimes I don't eve know how I'm going to make it through the day, I am at my lowest point and I don't know how to pick myself back up again. Everything seems so hopeless, I try to stay strong for ky daughters sake but it seems impossible..all I can say is it hurts so bad

 

 

I really empathize with the pain you're going through. You did not ask for this and your world has tilted. I admire your courage for doing what is right for you. Sometimes when we're at our lowest it is also when we are at our strongest. Just know you will get through this, allow yourself to feel what you feel and be good to yourself. One day at a time, things will get better, you will be ok.

[jnj express]

Yes it hurts bad, it will hurt bad for a long time--cuz you have been destroyed--everything you thot that was good, and pure---is nothing but crap and garbage

 

Once again---DO NOT MOVE OUT---GO HOME---she or her parents will get a lawyer to defend the D., action and you will get hit with ABANDONMENT

 

She works, you work---little or no alimony---you are giving up little of your retirement---You probably have not bought a home---and you are only responsible for the one child------maybe even with a stretch, and proof she was cheating on you before the mge was 6 months old---you might be able to get an anulment

 

You can't stay with this woman---she doesn't know what the definition of mge is--she has no clue as to what fidelity is, and every other word out of her mouth is a lie

 

She knew she was destroying you, and she thought nothing of it---she planned, connived, manipulated and decieved------is that the kind of woman you want to call your wife.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself---you actually got a gift here, you are only in one year, and you can get out, much easier than if this was years from now----

 

only way you will heal from this--is to be rid of this woman, who has no clue as to what morality is!!!!!!!

[In Like Flynn]

Custody will be a issue is she is active duty and moves from base to base over the years. Use the threat of exposure to her command to get primary custody!!

[j.temp]

Well I finally told her she needs to leave the house...and now she's staying with a friend. But I do plan ok moving back to the state that ibam originally from, Bcuz I don't know anybody where we are right now and my entire support system is back home..she is not trying to get custody of my daughter l, I think its Bcuz she knows I can go to her commander if I wanted to..but the crazy thing is even though I'm leaving her I can't help but to keep attacking her verbally..I constantly remind her how much of an awful evil person she is..I basically try to say whatever I can to make her cry so she can feel what I feel.. childish as it is I can't seem to help myself..I dropped my career back home and everything I knew to move outta state and get married..I feel like I'm loosing everything but she isnt.. I basically have to move on start all over with my life and that sucks.