dotnetdave Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 This is my first post on here after reading quite a few different thread so though i would post my story and see if anybody out there can help me there is a longish story to this so will try to keep it short. 3 years ago i ended an affari after my wife found out etc and we did the councilling etc but only a couple of session as at the time we though we had sorted things. During this time she admitted and accepted some of the reasons as to why i had my affair and also said how much she loved me and wanted us to be together. One of the reasons was that i had felt she was too shy and not very sexually advertours after the birth of our son. So not long after getting back together we both talked and agreed to go into the swinging scene. for around a couple of years things were brialliant, she had said things she didnt like about me and i had made steps to change as well some with success and others not so. but we were having a fantastic time and met some greta people and a particular couple how have become our closest friends. Over the last 6 months i had started to feel and see things at parties my wife did that i wasnt entirely happy with, i mentioned them to her but she said to remember it was me who she ended up in bed with and sleeping which i accepted and was happy with with. Then in the last 4months or so at parties as started to feel like she didnt want me with her or at least when i touched her etc she shyed away from me, she put this down to just heat of the moment stuff and i thought fine. Then over the last 3 months she was spending more time in the chat room and on msn just chatting to the point that it was every night for 3 - 4 hours. No matter wheather i sat in the room or not she didnt talk to me anymore and when i tried to i asked her to close her laptop but she persistsed. This made me feel unwanted and unneeded and i stopped doing all the changes i had made, such as going o bed together , smoking more etc. this was my way of trying to say "look at me" 2 weeks ago she dropped the bombsheel on me that she wants a separation, she isnt happy and hasnt been for a few months, she doesnt find me atrractive, i dont turn her on etc etc. I crumbleds and told her how i felt about her and how much i love her, she then went to our mutual close friend and spent several hours there before coming home. Next morning again i begged n pleaded with her etc, but all she said was it was too much too late. So on sunday night i went to see our mutual friends and poured my heart out to them saying what she meant to me etc. After an hour they said she felt all the opposite things i was saying to me. So the wife and our son had already planned to go to relative the following week and that she needed time and space to think and not to smoother her. I talked alot with the male half of the other couple and he got me to make a lot of changes, like going to gym again, cooking\cleaning, stop smoking and face up to a lot of issues. They always said from the start they wouldnt tell the wife what i said and they wouldnt tell me what she said. So during her week again i tried so hard ot not smoother her, but there had been little sign both before and during the week that i though were hope. Still sharing a bed, her been naked, when i attempted to book a holiday she said "no, its not the right time yet" etc etc and i told the male fried all of these things i had seen So she came back and said her feelings hadnt changed and that was it, i cried and pleaded with her, saying everything i felt and how i had changed and give me chance to prove it to her etc. Then on monday i was chatting to the guy and something didnt feel right, so i put some software on her laptop just to see what she was saying on chat so i could gauage her feelings, I got the first report and she was chatting to him, normal stuff etc and said she could see i needed her help\support but she couldnt give it right now, which i thought was positive. Then the next report is what killed me, he started telling her the signs i had said i had scene and told her to stop them and also saying how she was doing the right thing and everything is my fault and they were proud of her and stand by her etc. Then the conversation got more sexually and the next thing is on cam he was masterbating for her and she was as well (common in the swingin scene i know) but they were talking dirty etc. I ended up going inside and saying nothing as she was getting ready for a funeral, so after she went i spoke to him and he said they just chat nothing else and then i dropped the bomb on him and told him i knew and showed him the pic. So everything kicked off when she got back, now before this on monday i had booked to see a counciller on wednesday night and tol dher but she had said she wasnt inetrrested and we did it before and its over. On tuesday morning our "friends" txtd us both saying they were no longer going to get involved and backing out of the whoel situation (which i have to believe) since that and the wife not having a constant feed of been told what to think\do and that what she is doing is right her whole attitudt to me has changed. We talked and i was plcid about a separation saying i wouldnt fight etc and helop her and be fair over things and our son as well as crying a lot, also she cried a lot and kept saying things like "we are doing the right thing arent we", "we will be happy after this wont we", i couldnt say yes as in my heart i wont be. So on wednesday again we talked i told her how i would fight for her and our marriage and show her the changes i had made were real and this was the kick up the backside i had needed. Again she was saying things like befor elookin for confirmation about what was happending and also said she felt heartless about not coming to counsilling and trying to save it. I gave her the option to still come and later in the day she said she though about it and wouldnt come but may in the future. She had always mentioed that my calmess and attribute to separating and been so agreedable etc had taken her back as she though i would fight for everything. So on thursday again like previous she was saying the same things to me and me to her but then in the evening i asked her ot read an article on separtion councilling, she read it on her own and then agreed that she would do it and i said can we both be open minded to it that is is niether soley about separintg or facing issues and deleaing with them to save things, which she agreed to. Sorry this has been so long, but its as short as i could make it. please offer your advice as to what i should do as i really do love her and dont want to lose her. Since our "friends" stopped supporting her and just agreeing with everything she had said and saying it was all my fault she seems to be very confused now about this situation and i know in her heart she does still have some feelings and that i just need to get them out of her, she knows how i feel and that i will fight for her an dher marriage and not give up.
Author dotnetdave Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 Please people we are still in the same house but she is looking at places to rent for her and our son and asking me to look with her, can anyone tell me either whether I have a chance to stop all of this . . One thing is when the affair was coming to an end I movedinto a flat for 4 weeks and that is how we ended up talking n sorting things out I just feel like this time it could be forever
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