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In a relationship but have feelings for another person. What is going on with me?

alazymermaid

By alazymermaid
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alazymermaid New Member

alazymermaid

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Hello everyone. I'm new to Love Shack and I hope some of you can help me. I don't find people that I'm attracted to both physically and personality wise very often. So when I do find someone I end up really liking them. I've also noticed that all of my relationships have been long. My shortest relationship was a year long. When I get with someone I genuinely really like them a lot so I envision long term relationships with them which could be why all my relationships are so long. I've always been someone who's committed and faithful so this situation really has me confused. When I step back and look at the situation objectively it doesn't really seem like it's me in it. That's how foreign this is for me.

 

The issue I'm having right now is that while I'm in a long term relationship with someone right now (5 years) I've met someone else that I really like. Which shocked me and caused me to become confused about my feelings. The last person I really liked was my bf before we got together. For a while now I've felt like the relationship has been in a rut. And I mean the kind of rut one can end up in after being with someone for a long time like getting a bored, less sex, less excitement, and we work opposite hours so I've become used to being by myself a lot and doing my own thing. I really don't have anything to complain about otherwise though. I haven't even so much as looked at another guy in 5 years. Having feelings for another person has surprised me and shown me a side of myself that I didn't think existed and I'm not exactly happy about it but it is what it is. However, I can't stop the attraction/feelings I feel for this other person which I know is mutual. But when I think about it, is 5 years really something to throw away because of this? My bf's family has loved and supported me from the beginning of our relationship and if we ended things they would surely despise me. Currently I'm staying where I am and trying to get my head straightened out. Me and this other guy work together so we see one another every day. I think about him a lot too which I always try to stop by busying myself. If you love someone how could this happen? I do love my bf but I just don't understand these feelings I'm having. I don't want to be that horrible person that you hear about in relationships who messes things up you know?

 

I don't know if anyone else has been in a similar situation or experienced anything like this before. So if someone has any advice, thoughts, etc. then please share.

Badsingularity Established Member

Badsingularity

Posted
Posted

Would you say that you are in love with your bf?

 

Are you still attracted to him?

Chunky Established Member

Chunky

Posted
Posted

Perhaps it's just a matter of seeing this other guy on a daily basis. You don't see your boyfriend as much so you feel that relationship is not as good as it used to be. Honestly, your boyfriend deserves someone who loves him only. If you can't give him that, then break up with him and let him move on and meet someone else.

Lone Blue Member

Lone Blue

Posted
Posted

Ironically, I just went through this exact situation myself. The exception is I spent 4.5 years with my ex rather than 5 years. That being said, I would ask you what exactly is making you attracted to this new guy in your life. You mentioned you feel your relationship is in a rut; what exactly makes you feel this way? Do you feel that you guys are no longer romantic towards one another, no longer there for each other--what is it exactly?

 

And this new guy, what's he like? Does he have the reputation of a player? Has he said anything to you about this attraction? If you were to break up with your boyfriend, would you immediately go to this new guy? How would he react about it? Would you feel tormented breaking up with your boyfriend?

 

My biggest suggestion in this case is to figure out why exactly you feel you and your boyfriend are in a rut. Five years is a long time, and if he loves you and you love him, do you really want to throw it away for some "what if?" Things are salvageable if you work on them. If you feel, however, that they are not, that's a different story entirely, but know this: your boyfriend is a certainty at least at this moment, this new guy isn't. Even if he has this mutual attraction he says he does, would he fight for you? Would he be there for you when you need him? Just my two cents; I wish you luck with your romantic woes. xoxo

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alazymermaid New Member

alazymermaid

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Posted (edited)
Ironically, I just went through this exact situation myself. The exception is I spent 4.5 years with my ex rather than 5 years. That being said, I would ask you what exactly is making you attracted to this new guy in your life. You mentioned you feel your relationship is in a rut; what exactly makes you feel this way? Do you feel that you guys are no longer romantic towards one another, no longer there for each other--what is it exactly?

 

And this new guy, what's he like? Does he have the reputation of a player? Has he said anything to you about this attraction? If you were to break up with your boyfriend, would you immediately go to this new guy? How would he react about it? Would you feel tormented breaking up with your boyfriend?

 

My biggest suggestion in this case is to figure out why exactly you feel you and your boyfriend are in a rut. Five years is a long time, and if he loves you and you love him, do you really want to throw it away for some "what if?" Things are salvageable if you work on them. If you feel, however, that they are not, that's a different story entirely, but know this: your boyfriend is a certainty at least at this moment, this new guy isn't. Even if he has this mutual attraction he says he does, would he fight for you? Would he be there for you when you need him? Just my two cents; I wish you luck with your romantic woes. xoxo

 

I feel the relationship is in a rut because I don't really want to have sex, I've gotten bored with our routine, and all around I don't get excited anymore which is something I miss.

 

What makes me attracted to him is his outgoing personality and he's very openly passionate about what he loves to do which is culinary arts. He's fun to be around, he's very ambitious and motivated, and always smiling. My bf on the other hand has motivation issues (I try to help with that too), is dull with his emotions and doesn't really show a lot of emotion either, and I hate to say it but doesn't have much ambition. He's one of those people who can be perfectly happy with close to nothing at times which I don't think is a bad quality in such situations.

 

He doesn't have a player reputation and yes he's told me that he's attracted to me.

 

If my bf and I broke up I wouldn't immediately jump into a relationship with this guy. I'd want to hang out and spend some more time with him first.

 

I think about the "what if" scenario too. I know my bf is there for me and a certainty and that's what makes me stop to think. I know I definitely don't sound like the best person in the world but it's not as if I enjoy this situation either.

 

What happened with your relationship Lone Blue? If you don't mind me asking.

Edited by alazymermaid
forgot to answer something
David84 Established Member

David84

Posted
Posted (edited)

I just had my Gf leave me after 3 years. We lived together for 3 monthes. She met a younger cooler and I guess just new guy on her ball team. I loved her and would have done anything for her.

 

She just never told me until she ****ed up one night and something happened with this guy to cause her to split as quick as she could. Our spark had died too but other than that our relationship was AMAZING. we had an amazing spark and loved each other tons for much of that time.

 

My suggestion is to tell your boyfriend exactly how you feel. Tell him the spark is gone. Things are in a rut for both of you. Tell him your interest is fading and you WANT it to stop. Tell him you want him to fight for you and both of you need to put a little work into it. Both write a list of things that bother you, things you want to do together, things you miss that made it special. I say a list because then its all there out in the open. A daily reminder. 5 years is a ton of time.

 

I had no idea until it was too late. She never told me she was interested in another man and looking back we both just stopped the little things that made us amazing together. I am heartbroken but now I'm realizing she was selfish to not give us a chance. She wasted our time. All the passion, the love, the sex, the feelings came out at the very end when it was already too late and the ball was rolling. There was so much passion from both of us but it was just too complicated and late really.

 

I've blocked her out of my life because I'm devastated and need time to heal. She admitted flirting with this guy, all signs point to a drunken mistake made days prior and her sudden need to leave. Guilt or curiosity perhaps but she immediately started seeing this guy days after leaving. You will too. That crushed me. My ego. My manhood. She was mine, not his. But I can't fix it at this point, it's too late. If she had scared the **** out of me with the truth before hand and we both started doing to little things again and working to show we loved each other just the same.

 

Water your own grass. It will be just as green as the grass your leaving for. You will miss him and he will hate you for stabbing him in the back. That's not what best friends do, let alone someone you love.

Edited by David84
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Lone Blue Member

Lone Blue

Posted
Posted
I feel the relationship is in a rut because I don't really want to have sex, I've gotten bored with our routine, and all around I don't get excited anymore which is something I miss.

 

What makes me attracted to him is his outgoing personality and he's very openly passionate about what he loves to do which is culinary arts. He's fun to be around, he's very ambitious and motivated, and always smiling. My bf on the other hand has motivation issues (I try to help with that too), is dull with his emotions and doesn't really show a lot of emotion either, and I hate to say it but doesn't have much ambition. He's one of those people who can be perfectly happy with close to nothing at times which I don't think is a bad quality in such situations.

 

He doesn't have a player reputation and yes he's told me that he's attracted to me.

 

If my bf and I broke up I wouldn't immediately jump into a relationship with this guy. I'd want to hang out and spend some more time with him first.

 

I think about the "what if" scenario too. I know my bf is there for me and a certainty and that's what makes me stop to think. I know I definitely don't sound like the best person in the world but it's not as if I enjoy this situation either.

 

What happened with your relationship Lone Blue? If you don't mind me asking.

 

I actually have a post of what happened to my relationship. If you're interested in the long version, the post is here: A break turned into a break-up. I don't understand men.

 

If you're interested in the short version, the gist is I dated my ex for 4 and 1/2 years. We were high school sweethearts, and well, with the exception of our first year, we were in a long-distance relationship. I went to college 5+ hours away from him. We sincerely loved each other and saw each other monthly, but eventually, things got complicated.

 

I had a panic attack last year that disrupted my life plans. Since then, it seems I became "too much" for him, and well, he essentially preferred me talking to a friend of mine rather than to him. I developed feelings for this friend, and well, the rest is history. As you can imagine, my spark with my ex died despite the fact that I still loved him, and well, when I graduated from college, I came down, and the arguments were just insane. My friend was all over me, and well, I had it and asked for a break. The break ended up turning into a break-up, and well, my ex pretty much admitted to sabotaging our relationship this entire time. I still love him, and well, my friend is just that--my friend. He was severely interested in me, and well, I with him, but eh, all that resulted was an emotional affair that never got anywhere.

weallfalldown Established Member

weallfalldown

Posted
Posted

you meet someone else and finish with your long term bf, you'll cause trust issues.....if you can do that to him, you'll do it again, will be what's on his mind.......your playing with fire.....

lil hoodlum Established Member

lil hoodlum

Posted
Posted

It takes two to make a relationship.

 

I'm sorry, all I hear from you is what your boyfriend isn't or doesn't do. You haven't said anything positive about him.

 

If you aren't that happy with your relationship it is partly up to you to fix it. That means communicating with your boyfriend about your issues and giving it time to work out.

 

I somehow get the impression you haven't told your boyfriend any of these so called "issues" that you have about him and the relationship.

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