Space, but not breaking up?

[Hammerdinrus]

Ok, I am terribly confused. My girlfriend and me are currently doing a long distance thing (summer). However, it has been pretty going pretty smooth. Well, until very recently. She came out to visit at the end of June for two weeks and everything was just perfect. She worried a lot that I would leave her over the summer (she has little self esteem issues). Anyways, she had to go home because she was about to start a residential summer camp as a supervisor, as was I. Her camp however, is about a week and a half longer than mine. We usually skype fairly often and text throughout the day. But neither one of us gets upset if the other can't connect for a day or two due to work or something. So, while both of us were at our respective camps there was not much talking. It was fine at the beginning, but as the days moved on she got more stressed. Her camp was really eating away at her. She got no sleep, cried fairly often, she was just having no fun at all.

 

About halfway through my camp I recieved a text from her explaining how bad she's feeling, that she's been crying, and that she loves me more than anything. She also wanted to skype. So late that night we ended up talking, and she was feeling a bit better because tomorrow was her day off. So that was a wednesday/thursday. As the days rolled on I heard less from her, when I do her texts/emails are short and very, I'm not sure, 'Forced' ? Eventually, she said she is just feeling so detached from me, but was sure she would feel better when she came out to my place after the camp. Ok, a little bit of detachment was bound to happen, I understand that, but she was still intent on coming out after camp. So, I just stuck to our routine of 'Good Mornings' and 'Good nights.' It was her idea, I'm not a huge texter.

 

So yesterday I asked, about midday, "How are you over there?" She responds later that night (she can't carry her phone) with a one work answer "fine,", I try to get a wee bit of a convo going because she usually likes to text, whereas I'm usually the one to not. Anyways, after a string of one word answers she asks for a break from writing to each other. She adds she just needs some space. My first question is "is this a break up?" and she tells me "no." After a couple fruitless questions she says she shouldn't talk until the end of her camp because I don't deserve a girlfriend like her (her insinuating shes a bad gf). She just "doesn't want to think about us right now," What does that mean?! Of course I tell her shes being silly thinking she's not wonderful and I love her, but I'll give her as much space as she needs.

 

I'm hoping it's just her being out of her comfort zone and sort of freaking out. For me, I'm just so confused, like this literally came out of no where. I knew she was sad, but this has never happened before. We talk very often, and we basically live together through the school year. She knows that if she cheats on me it's over. I mean I feel that way, but we'll see, I hopes that's not the case. I don't think she's cheating on me because when she just got there she was so happy that everyone of the male staff was older and married, or in a relationship so it wasn't ever awkward. My second reason for believing her not to be cheating is that we have so much next year going on, she spent so much of the summer planning out trips for us, because last year I had so much school work and a full time job.

 

Shes at the camp for another week, but I'm going crazy trying to figure out what's going on and if I'll have a girlfriend the next time I talk to her. But, I'll give a while before I try to talk again.

 

-Thanks for any insight

[salmagundi]

Oh dude, I hope I'm wrong but I think the news is probably not good. I've been here... You don't 'deserve' her because she's done 'something bad' is my guess.

 

I betcha she's hanging around some other guy...if I were you this is what my gut would be screaming right now. In any case...she asked for space. People in love don't want space, they want proximity. But she wants space so I say give it you her...truckloads of it.

 

Again I hope i'm wrong but I see a conversation coming where you end up dragging some unpleasant truths about what went on in summer camp from her.

 

Sorry man, like I say, I've been there. Recently. It sucks...

[Samilia]

She adds she just needs some space. My first question is "is this a break up?" and she tells me "no." [/Quote]

 

When someone asks for "space" it typically translates into "It's over"; they're either letting you go "smoothly" or are planning to enjoy the "space" to go do whatever they want, in her case I'd guess there's someone else, and maybe get back with you when they're done with their fun.

 

The "no" would translate into the back burner spot for you.

 

I would dump the whole thing like a hot plate and see from there. I don't see why you would have to put up with her bullsh*t, be second in her life, and wait patiently for her to either be done with whatever she's doing, or wait for her to make up her mind.

[KatZee]

Anyways, after a string of one word answers she asks for a break from writing to each other. She adds she just needs some space. My first question is "is this a break up?" and she tells me "no." After a couple fruitless questions she says she shouldn't talk until the end of her camp because I don't deserve a girlfriend like her (her insinuating shes a bad gf). She just "doesn't want to think about us right now," What does that mean?! Of course I tell her shes being silly thinking she's not wonderful and I love her, but I'll give her as much space as she needs.

 

Oh, Jesus. I see it right there.

 

The guilt is ALL over this. It's oozing right out the seams. I can pretty much tell you something happened.

 

She became detached because she met/was talking with someone. Things happened, and now she wants space from you. This is a red flag right here because you guys are already long distance. She has all the space in the world. The space she's talking about right now isn't literal proximity, it's emotional space.

 

She probably needs to think about something that's gone on, or she wants to evaluate feelings for someone else.

 

She's not bound to tell you it's an official break up until she comes to her final decision.

 

The whole "you don't deserve a girlfriend like me" and "I don't want to think about us" are the guilt indications to me. No one says things like that unless something is seriously... SERIOUSLY wrong.

 

Also need to say that I've pulled the "I need space" card with a guy, and it was just me trying to cushion the blow of breaking up. I was trying to be nice about it.

[lil hoodlum]

I agree with everyone elses position. I've been on the recieving end of that "needing space" thing as well.

 

Do your self a favor and either kick her to the curb or just quit all contact. I know it is hard to understand at first, but once you have been through this you understand completely what it is.

 

I don't know you but YOU DO DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

 

Good luck!

[Sav]

Run Run Run. It's time to stop thinking and start treating the relationship as OVER and start your healing process. Take it from a guy who went through this. I just broke up 12 days ago and it's the same thing. So go now. Start healing and you'll not be caught by surprise.

[JesseMartin]

I disagree with what the rest is saying. You, and everyone else, is reading too much into these text messages.

 

What are the facts:

 

She sent you some text messages that were shorter than usual, and wanting some space to think.

 

She is having a hard time at camp.

 

She has low self esteem.

 

Worst case scenario: she cheated on you.

Best case scenario: she's just having trouble dealing with herself

 

 

Reality? Probably somewhere in between. She didn't cheat on you, but because of her low self esteem, and being away from you, she is reflecting on the relationship (perfectly natural btw!)

 

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