Gaprofitt Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Hi All, Looking for some suggestions, as posted my wife left with our son over a month ago, she refuses to talk to me and has been beyond mean in emails and in person. She hasn't offered to bring my son down to see me and has only offered limited visitation 2.5 hours away from here. Needless to say it has been beyond painful and is a huge nightmare, especially the fact she will not listen to me and how passionate I am about making a huge effort for her and our family to stay together. She thinks it's just BS, but she is totally wrong and would be surprised totally if she could put her anger and resentment aside and forgive me. I just cry all the time because I miss my family and our young 10 month old son. If only she knew how hard I would really try, I've never been to counseling, group therapy or management classes, i've been to over 19 sessions combined since she left. It's sad nothing matters to her and that's the only beginning of changes I want to make. It's so frustrating I can't convince her what is true. I am soo worried about her, I don't know how she is doing, how she is feeling, is she ok, is she hurting. That's just horrible not knowing and being able comfort her or talk to her. I just want so bad to show her what I can do if given a chance. I'd do anything if she would listen so we can save our family, I even offered to move out of the house into an apartment. I'm hoping soon she will call me to talk, that would help me tremendously. Needless to say I cry all the time, every single day multiple times. I don't eat much at all but enough to survive and not get sick. I wake up at 4am every night and can't go back to sleep. Any good suggestions for these issues or do I just have to wait, i've lost 30 pounds.
BetrayedH Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Weight loss and lack of sleep are normal. You'll be happy about the weight loss later. Start working out. It's good for your mind and body. Consider seeing your doctor for anti-depressants. They didn't help much but they did help balance things a bit for me emotionally. As for your wife, wish I knew what to say. Her behavior seems extreme. Makes me suspect an affair. One thing I do know is that either way, your desperation is counter productive. A woman cannot love a man that she doesn't respect. Don't be a doormat. Don't beg. Period. Keep improving yourself and realize that no matter what she says or does, you didn't deserve this. And see an attorney about your kids.
petterr Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 The weightloss and lack of sleep is really scary! I lost one third of my body weight! But if you start working out youll be happy about it later. The results are definately in your favour! As for you waking up at night! I still do that after 9 months! But I have learned to like it! Or at least embrace it! What else could you do! Spend an hour reading instead of thinking. Your minds probably in overdrive right now. Shouldnt there be things you could demand form your wife! I mean not seing your kid! She has no right to punish you like that. Its your kid right!
Gunny376 Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 All of things that you're expercing are normal par the course when it comes to divorce. A book you might find solstice in is "Crazy Time" (I've forgoten the author's name) a book about the craziness of divorce, the emotional roller coaster of it al. And when one is going thorugh divorce? It very much is a Crazy Time. Right now your going throght what it tantamount to a withdrawal from an addiction. The sleepless, the wieght loss, some even report 'cold sweats" There's a biological foundation to all of these caused by the bio-chemicals that are created in the brain when one so-call "Falls In Love" ~ indeed the brain scans of people who reported that they are "in love" is almost identical to those of people who suffer from Obessessive ~ Compulsive Disorder (Ref: Fed 2006 edition of National Geographic magazine titled "Love the Chemical Reaction" and also currently on the shelves is the August 2012 of Scientific American Mind ~ Behavior ~ Brain Sex ~ Insights "His Brain, Her Brain ~ How We Are Different" I won't go into it all but you are very much going through a withdrawal litereally a chemical withdrawal. The brain receptors ~ neuron pathways in the brain that govern "love" "attraction" etc are the same ones that hard drugs such as crystal meth, cocaine, nicotine, caffiene crack cocaine attache themselves to. They in turn cause the body ~ brain to generate extermely strong bio-chemicals which react to the same sensation of pleasure. Aside from the chemical I've listed above? Chocolate (or I should say the chemicals in chocolate) reacts in similar ways for some people ~ particualry women. To say that your in a vulnerable state of mind would be an understatement. What you need to do right now is 1. Pull back and re-group ~ cease any and all contact except the most necessary of contact with the X. Even then keep it short, simple, to the point ~ and most of all to a minimum. You need to do this for yourself, until you can get your head and azz wired back together. The more you pursue? The further you'll chase her away. In your desperate state of mind right now ~ you will only come off as 'needy' desperate, and well even a little bit crazy. None of which are attractive traits. Which is why the harder you pursue in trying to get her back? The harder and faster you will drive her away. 2. You need to get very, very busy! Don't allow yourself to stay in your home alone. It only adds to your depressive state. Go for a walk, surround yourself with people, friends, family. Throw yourself into your work ~ your hobbies, your interests. Remember that in time like these ~ ACTION must preceed FEELING! Which is to say you'll have to do it before you feel like doing it. Now is an excellent time to begin an exercise regeime. If your in the United States? Stop by your local United States Marine Corps recruiting office and see if they won't give you a copy of ethe "365 Day Training Guide" Its a handy ~ dandy pocket size spiral bound little book they give out to potential enlisted to get them ready for the physical rigors of Marine Boot Camp. The Marine Corps physical fitness program is designed intentionally to be used anywhere at anytime with a minimum of equipment. *Note ~ Know and understand the difference between aerobic exercise (walking, running, swiming etc) and anaerobic exercise (pumping ~ lifting weights) Aerobic exercise pumps oxygen into your system ~ which tends to awaken you and keep you awake. Anaerobic exercise depletes oxygen from your system ~ thus making you tired and will help you to sleep. 3. Do any and all of the above in moderation and in "baby steps" A little at a time. Avoid extremes in any and all things that you do. Your having to learn how to crawl ~ walk ~ run ~ talk ~ think all over again. You've got to "re-train' your brain in the way that you allow yourself to think. You can control your thoughts ~ be they negative or positive. It requires time and effort to learn how to do so ~ but it can be done. It will also require some mental and emotional self control and self discipline. 4. Slowly and gradually work on eliminating caffiene (in all of its sources) nicotine (if you use it ~ it will be the hardest as it land on the same receptors ~ nerons of the brain that herion likes to nest in). Above all avoid alcohol!!! Alcohol is a depresent ~ and your already depressed ~ drinking alcohol and/or taking other depresents is like throwing gasoline on a bonfire when your already depressed. 5. Don't "Should-On-Yourself" What was? Was! What is? Is! What will be? Will be! Don't sit around running the same looping tape through your head about you 'should have, could have, would have! Its a self defeating game. When you catch yourself doing so? (Or any negative thoughts) tell yourself to just "STOP!" 6. Don't beat yourself up! There are plenty of people waiting just outside of your front door more than willing to do the job for you! Just to see the look on your face as they do it. 7. Identfy your weaknesses and daily seek self improvement. Change yourself for YOU! And no one else. 8. Recognize that like most of us? You simply didn't have the pre-requistite skill ~ tool set, experience, knowledge etc to begin with. Work on getting it. 9. Take the X off of her pedestial. In your eyes and mind she's may be the ideal woman, wife, mother, person etc. Trust me, she's got more than her share of flaws ~ just as we all do. 10/ It may be the end of your marriage? But its not the end of your life. What one will abuse? Another can certainly use. There is life after divorce.
tojaz Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Hi All, Looking for some suggestions, as posted my wife left with our son over a month ago, she refuses to talk to me and has been beyond mean in emails and in person. She hasn't offered to bring my son down to see me and has only offered limited visitation 2.5 hours away from here. Needless to say it has been beyond painful and is a huge nightmare, especially the fact she will not listen to me and how passionate I am about making a huge effort for her and our family to stay together. She thinks it's just BS, but she is totally wrong and would be surprised totally if she could put her anger and resentment aside and forgive me. I just cry all the time because I miss my family and our young 10 month old son. If only she knew how hard I would really try, I've never been to counseling, group therapy or management classes, i've been to over 19 sessions combined since she left. It's sad nothing matters to her and that's the only beginning of changes I want to make. It's so frustrating I can't convince her what is true. I am soo worried about her, I don't know how she is doing, how she is feeling, is she ok, is she hurting. That's just horrible not knowing and being able comfort her or talk to her. I just want so bad to show her what I can do if given a chance. I'd do anything if she would listen so we can save our family, I even offered to move out of the house into an apartment. I'm hoping soon she will call me to talk, that would help me tremendously. Needless to say I cry all the time, every single day multiple times. I don't eat much at all but enough to survive and not get sick. I wake up at 4am every night and can't go back to sleep. Any good suggestions for these issues or do I just have to wait, i've lost 30 pounds. Like the others said, it all comes with the territory. I lost 60 lbs when I went through mine, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. Your in panic mode and try as you might, your not going to be able to shut it off for some time. Best suggestion is to 1. let yourself cry when you need to 2. remember to eat on a regular schedule 3. use that extra time for anything other then thinking about your wife. Regarding the rest, she doesn't have to be there watching you for you to start bettering yourself. You say you have changes you want to make, so get on a path and start making them! TOJAZ
Author Gaprofitt Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 Wow! You guys are so awesome, what great feedback. I am going to the gym today again. I know I have to start focusing on me and just plain let go. I've done about all I can, if this woman isn't convinced now i'm committed she never will be. That's beyond sad with our 10 month old son. That's what i've been struggling with the most is knowing how passionate I am about making things right. I know, there I go again. I'm not contacting her at all as I can't because of her attorney and me being overbearing. I wish I could though because I need to ask a ton about bills, affording our cats insulin, what bills to pay if I can't afford them, etc. Thanks so much everyone, Greg
Gunny376 Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 At the end of the day? It comes down to one of three choices you have to make? ~ 1 You can let it consume and destroy you. ~ 2 You can let it define who you are as a individual and your life. ~ 3 You can learn from and grow from it, to become a better person.
TaraMaiden Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Wow! You guys are so awesome, what great feedback. I am going to the gym today again. I know I have to start focusing on me and just plain let go. I've done about all I can, if this woman isn't convinced now i'm committed she never will be. That's beyond sad with our 10 month old son. That's what i've been struggling with the most is knowing how passionate I am about making things right. I know, there I go again. I'm not contacting her at all as I can't because of her attorney and me being overbearing. I wish I could though because I need to ask a ton about bills, affording our cats insulin, what bills to pay if I can't afford them, etc. Thanks so much everyone, Greg Keep a journal, and in every way, on every page, write about how much you love your son, and desperately miss him. Keep tabs on what she says/does, and retain evidence of her meanness, regarding your contact with him - but only this. In a few years, when he accuses you of abandonment, and 'not being there for him' - you can prove the opposite was the case. 2
Author Gaprofitt Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 At the end of the day? It comes down to one of three choices you have to make? ~ 1 You can let it consume and destroy you. ~ 2 You can let it define who you are as a individual and your life. ~ 3 You can learn from and grow from it, to become a better person. I think i've been choosing option 1, obviously option 3 and where I need to be. I just can't get myself past the fact she will not try with me given we have a 10 month old son, that's just beyond me. Things would be completely different, I honestly know that, i'm not just saying crap. It's just so hurtful and frustrating. Greg
tojaz Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 I think i've been choosing option 1, obviously option 3 and where I need to be. I just can't get myself past the fact she will not try with me given we have a 10 month old son, that's just beyond me. Things would be completely different, I honestly know that, i'm not just saying crap. It's just so hurtful and frustrating. Greg Although Guns may disagree with me, I think those are stages you go through and you will experience all three. After all something has to be torn down before it can be rebuilt. I can be honest and say at 3 years the other side, I believe i have clawed my way somewhere between 2 and 3 hopefully leaning toward the 3 side. Its a process and you have to go through it. There's no skipping steps, no short cuts. You get hurt and you slowly repair the damage, eventually there are only scars where gaping wounds used to be. Eventually you learn to live with it, and then you learn to live again. Thats how I see it anyway. TOJAZ
Gunny376 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Although Guns may disagree with me, I think those are stages you go through and you will experience all three. After all something has to be torn down before it can be rebuilt. I can be honest and say at 3 years the other side, I believe i have clawed my way somewhere between 2 and 3 hopefully leaning toward the 3 side. Its a process and you have to go through it. There's no skipping steps, no short cuts. You get hurt and you slowly repair the damage, eventually there are only scars where gaping wounds used to be. Eventually you learn to live with it, and then you learn to live again. Thats how I see it anyway. TOJAZ No I wouldn't disagree ~ and its not a straight linear progression ~ but rather and oscalating wave, where one can find themelves at any particular point in time. Anyone can find themselve in-between, or even all three (there are more and other facets ~ I've only touched on the high three ~ its relative to the individual.)
albondigas Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 As many have said; BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. You will go through this process at your own pace. You will cry and feel there is no end. BUT take it from me - once you make it through and start turning the corner, you will once again find happines in life and things will start to flow for you. IT WILL BE OK! For now, do not respond to her emails or insults. Its pointless. NO MATTER what you say or do, she is gone my friend. It is hard because life is trying to take you in a differnt direction and you are fighting it. Once you learn to go with the flow (per say), your days will go smoother and your son will be in your life - I am sure of it. Good luck and find the time to have at least one good laugh a day. Cheers.
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