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How not to scare off a potential love when you're so far apart....

WhatsLoveGot

By WhatsLoveGot
in Long-Distance Relationships

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WhatsLoveGot New Member

WhatsLoveGot

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Hi everyone,

 

Some of you seem so helpful, let's see if I can get some advice. Im sorry if this is a little long but please read it , it will only take a couple minutes! A friend of mine has posted on here a lot before and she told me it was a good place to vent and get opinions so Im trying it out...

 

I'm a 30 year old woman in grad school internationally (outside the US). I'll be overseas most of the time for the next two years before I come back to the states to work. I'm from the east coast, but feasibly can work wherever I want.

 

I met a guy a few years ago, 2-3 years ago, on a social network site. We were in a mutual interest group, of sorts. He on the west coast, myself on the east. Chatted here and there to say hello but nothing serious. When I thought I was going out to the west coast for a visit, I let him know, in a totally friendly way, to possibly get together. I never ended up going on vacation that year (this is like 3 years ago) but we kept chatting anyway.

 

He's laid back but very nice. Same age as me. Lots of similarities. He even went so far as to call me for hours on end to help me go over my grad-school application essays, and I'd help him with feedback on projects he was working on for his job out west. There was occasional flirting but no talk of anything beyond that. Just really friendly with each other all the time.

 

He came to the east coast once about two years ago for a friend's wedding, and we met for literally an hour before he had to go home. He was half asleep when we met and we didnt get to interact too much, I basically just gave him a ride to the airport. That was the first we met in person.

 

We kept chatting every now and then after I left for school, but since I was in a relationship at the time, it was just friendly, sporadic banter.

 

After I broke up with my ex-boyfriend in the spring this year, me and this guy (let's call him John) started flirting a bit more again. I came out to the west coast to visit some family about a week ago, and John and I finally ended up having a real "date". Went out for drinks, talked, and had some obligatory good old-fashioned making-out like teenagers in the car (I wasn't about to bring him home to my family's place where I was staying....and he had to be up in five hours to go to work anyway). We're both adults, so I find nothing wrong with the fact that we hooked up. He kissed me first, after much hinting on my part. Obviously there is a lot of physical attraction, and at least some personality attraction so far (and I only say "at least some" because we're still getting to know each other.)

 

He works in the film industry so he has to stay on the west coast for a while until he's more established. Im going back overseas in about a month, and only staying on the west coast another few days.

 

I guess I'm wondering what to do to show Im interested but not scare him off. Obviously I can't expect much because we live ten time zones apart, but I'd like to keep seeing each other when we're in the same area, and who knows if we're both still single when Im done with school...

 

But for this week, I find myself thinking about him a lot and not sure what to do. I have the option to stay in Cali until Thursday if I want, but the only reason I'd do that is to see him. He's off shooting a film until Tuesday evening, so basically I'd be staying 5 extra days just on the off chance I might catch him one or two nights again. I have other friends and family here, but to be honest if not for the prospect of seeing him again I'd probably leave to go back to the east coast in a day or two.

 

I don't want to seem desperate. Ive not texted or called him at all today, thinking I'll wait till the weekend to ask if he wants to get together one more time before I leave. What should I say? Should I play this waiting game? I sent him one text the morning after we hung out to make sure he got home ok (it was really late and he lives 45 minutes away from where Im staying). He replied in a regular, nice way, and I havent sent anything else since yesterday. I know he works long days and not concerned about not hearing from him in 24 hours.

 

What do I do in this situation? Sorry if this is confusing and it isnt clear what Im asking, because honestly Im not sure what Im asking. Maybe just for someone to read this and hope they can tell me something to help me feel less confused. Because considering I was in a crappy relationship for two years and thought I wouldn't meet anyone I like again, it makes me feel sad to be leaving this guy now.

FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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It seems a bit premature to think about being more than friends since you will be living overseas for two years.

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WhatsLoveGot New Member

WhatsLoveGot

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I know....I think I'm trying to work out how to deal with these feelings. If you read what I wrote above, I said that it's unrealistic to expect much to happen right now because we are so far apart.

 

I have had a long distance relationship before, and it's not the worst thing in the world when you have the lifestyle that he and I have (we are both never home, always traveling for work or school).

 

It's not like I just met him, it's been a couple years we've known each other and it's just that only recently why finally crossed that threshold of "more than friends" this last week.

 

I'm probably not making much sense right now in what I want. I'd like to be able to gauge from him to what degree he likes me. He's made jokes about coming to visit me where I am for school and it's hard to tell if he's serious about that or not.

 

I came here thinking we'd just hang out in a friendly way and it got more than that and now I'm thinking about him an awful lot and it's disconcerting to me, I guess. Not sure what to do. Just looking for support, or something, or maybe someone who's been in this position before....

justwhoiam Established Member

justwhoiam

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Well, first of all, he's in the film industry... I guess he meets lots of people (girls) every day. And girls who work in the film industry... might be easy. I don't want to sound too cliché, but you have to consider that.

 

Anyway, you had a good time and would like to meet him again.

Does he know when you are leaving? Is he taking you to the airport when you're leaving to return the favor?

 

What I would do. If he does know when you're leaving, text him asking him if you can call him for a couple of minutes when he's having a break. He should tell you when it's ok for you to call him. While on the phone, you tell him you might extend your stay until Thursday and add "If I decided to stay for a few days more, would you like to meet me again? Or is that difficult for you?" Then you go into details of when he could meet you. It might be any day, every day. Or just one hour one of the days. Then you decide if just one hour is worth it.

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WhatsLoveGot New Member

WhatsLoveGot

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Well, first of all, he's in the film industry... I guess he meets lots of people (girls) every day. And girls who work in the film industry... might be easy. I don't want to sound too cliché, but you have to consider that.

 

Anyway, you had a good time and would like to meet him again.

Does he know when you are leaving? Is he taking you to the airport when you're leaving to return the favor?

 

What I would do. If he does know when you're leaving, text him asking him if you can call him for a couple of minutes when he's having a break. He should tell you when it's ok for you to call him. While on the phone, you tell him you might extend your stay until Thursday and add "If I decided to stay for a few days more, would you like to meet me again? Or is that difficult for you?" Then you go into details of when he could meet you. It might be any day, every day. Or just one hour one of the days. Then you decide if just one hour is worth it.

 

 

Hey

 

I texted him today asking if he would have time to meet up again as I may be here until Thursday. Guess if I don't hear back from him by tomorrow I have my answer and should just forget about it. We'll see.

 

i;m not really worried about the whole film-industry job. He's not really the type to screw around with random girls just because they throw themselves, and anyway even if he did what can you do about someone like that. That would be a problem regardless of the distance in that case so I dont think its anything to consider right now :-) His job is more of a nuisance in that hes always traveling for shoots so he's nver in one place, but in some ways that's a good thing in a distance relationship because both sides already know that for at least a little while it's going ot be hard to see each other regularly. It worked really well for me in my last long distance relationship which lasted almost 4 years, and ended for various other reasons because we just wanted different things out of life at some point.

 

AAnyway, There's more to it than this tho. I feel lonely and off right now. Overwhelming year of school ahead of me....not sure why I feel so unhappy lately.

 

Got so happy when I had a great night with this guy, and he's been so nice since we met, and then i tell myself nothing ever works out for me in that regard (love department) so why bother? I'm considered a fairly successful person with regards to life otherwise, but I always feel like such a miserable failure in this department. My recent break up did bad things for my self esteem which makes it even worse....I know that already. Not sure what to do to be happy. Seems like I'm destined to a lifetime of being alone. I hate that advice of "be happy with yourself to be happy with someone else". What if I'm just the kind of person who is happier when Im not single? that happens, and its not the worst thing in the world. It's important for some people.

 

Don't know why I'm rambling right now. Just in a down mood I guess. Will let you know if he responds or not. Hopefully he will and I'll get to see him one more time before I leave but who knows.

Edited by WhatsLoveGot
dropdeadredtx Member

dropdeadredtx

Posted
Posted (edited)

I would be very careful that you don't let the feelings of unhappiness and loneliness you mention lead you into believing that this little on-again off-again long-distance flirtation is anything more than that. Sometimes loneliness skews our perspective in such a way that a smile from a barista and suddenly you are picking out China patterns.

Enjoy it for what it is, and do not try to turn it into something that you happen to need at the moment.

Edited by dropdeadredtx
typo
FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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Why are you discounting the very real possibility of meeting someone new in your new location? If you are pining away for some guy who has made no promises to you, you could very well miss someone right under your nose who is ready, willing and able to love you.

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WhatsLoveGot New Member

WhatsLoveGot

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Why are you discounting the very real possibility of meeting someone new in your new location? If you are pining away for some guy who has made no promises to you, you could very well miss someone right under your nose who is ready, willing and able to love you.

 

Im not discounting it altogether, just skeptical. Don't meet people very often that I like in that manner I suppose, and being in a relationship for two years just recently made me feel even more removed from the dating pool. I will admit that this last relationship killed my self esteem a little bit, and random people telling me I'm beautiful and wonderful or whatever doesn't seem to have any effect in making it get better.

 

I guess Im going through a down time in life and this thing with this guy was a bit of brightness in a crap period and Im clinging to it a little bit.

 

At the very least I find it disconcerting that at my age someone can't just be honest and decent after having a physical encounter....if you don't want to see me again and can't stand to be one of those people to just say "i don't want to see you again", then at least make up some excuse about having to work. Ignoring me is a bit hurtful after speaking for over two years and then hooking up with me :(

FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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My guess would be that he thinks, "What's the point? She's leaving the country."

 

A change of scenery always helps because it's like your previous life was a dream and you've awakened to a new reality.

 

Being a foreigner will make you more attractive to a lot of men.

justwhoiam Established Member

justwhoiam

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So, what happened? Did he ever reply?

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