dsw31 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 (edited) My ex dumped me 4 1/2 months ago.He knows how I feel about him.I loved him more than anything.The breakup devastated me & turned me into an empty shell of a human being.I am different. That's besides the point-My question is... My ex knows I don't want to be friends with him.I can not ever accept anything less than a full committed relationship from him.He has stated that he's not capable of committing to me so that's it...I want to get over him & pretend he never existed. The problem is, I work a few houses away from his house & no matter what, it's inevitable that we'll keep bumping into each other.We already have dozens of times & I was just ignoring him.Pretending he doesn't exist.But on Monday, he actually parked his car right where I was standing & basically forced his presense on me with conversation.I was in an ok mood so I half chit chatted with him but told him "We are not friends.Never have been.Never will be.We're not meant to be friends" So he said "I'll see ya around" Today he does it again! But I'm not in the mood for this crazy nonsense.I was so cold & unresponsive today.I looked him dead in his face & didn't smile or even acknowledge him.Then he said "What's up?You don't wanna talk to me?" I said "Not really, we're not friends" So he sat in the car & kept trying to make small talk.(about my dog & the fight this weekend) I just kept looking at my phone & half listening, half not listening to him talk. I couldn't believe the audacity! He is basically trying to force his friendship on me.Should I text him & tell him to not bother stopping to talk next time?Or should I just wait till he pulls up next time & say "Get out of my face?" Or should I keep doing what I felt forced to do today?(cold & distant responses) I just want him to know it's all or nothing with me.If he can't be a committed boyfriend, I don't wanna have to look at his sexy ass anymore.I wanna get over him.He told me that he has no other friends & doesn't even see a purpose in living life anymore. I feel the same way but being only his friend hurts me.How do I handle this? Edited August 3, 2012 by dsw31
HumptyDumpty Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Now... I can completely understand. Since I'm in this case at the mo'! Thing is that I've tried the "all or nothing" thing and well, he was fine with it, not wanting to annoy me or anything! So I settled for a friendship... and well, I seem to be coping well but at times, there are set-backs! As in me not understanding why I'm not gf material anymore, what I did wrong and what is generally wrong with me! Problem: we can't go along with each other, but without doesn't seem to make the deal either! If i can give any support in any kind, well, you're not alone! Help would still be appreciated haha, I shall follow this threat (until the prob is resolved)!
Author dsw31 Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 Now... I can completely understand. Since I'm in this case at the mo'! Thing is that I've tried the "all or nothing" thing and well, he was fine with it, not wanting to annoy me or anything! So I settled for a friendship... and well, I seem to be coping well but at times, there are set-backs! As in me not understanding why I'm not gf material anymore, what I did wrong and what is generally wrong with me! Problem: we can't go along with each other, but without doesn't seem to make the deal either! If i can give any support in any kind, well, you're not alone! Help would still be appreciated haha, I shall follow this threat (until the prob is resolved)! Thanks for the support HumptyDumpty, I'm sorry about what you're going through.All I can really tell you is that you are going to continue having "set-backs" as long as you give in to being friends with him.Your self esteem will continue to go down hill.You don't want to stand by him as a friend, while he dates other girls, do you? You're even questioning what you did to not "be girlfriend material" anymore!(btw-you did nothing wrong!) You need to dissassiociate yourself from him completely.If he's not pounding down your door begging for your company-he's not worth it!! Trust me!...I know it's hard but, it's not impossible!
HumptyDumpty Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Well, kinda new update... So Friday night, I got kinda moody again that night and well, what I did was tell him via a text, that I want to cut contact, even though it's difficult I'll make it. Since it's impossible to stay friends when you feel more than just friendship... So, for now, NC! Saturday he sent me a text (just non-sense between us) saturday and I replied Sunday... Now, Sunday night he wrote a text again and I didn't reply and have no intention. Thing is, I wanted to do so many NC and it just got messy and I wasn't strong enough to keep it through. Even though I managed to move on a bit, I'm like an addict and he is my drug! He knows that when he sends a text, that I'll answer straight away and even though I was moody, I was dead serious about him. Of course, I could get rude if he keeps sending me text messages, however I'd like to maintain a friendship in the future: could be in a month or a year, just the time I need... Kinda tricky thing I have to add! i wouldn't hang on to an ex like this but the break-up was caused by a deal-breaker, an "idea" of what to expect in 10 years but we don't know for sure really, do we what will happen in the future... therefor the feelings! Now, the only thing to do is ignore. I don't see any other solution, they gotta let go after a while nope...? :/
CarrieT Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 My ex knows I don't want to be friends with him.I can not ever accept anything less than a full committed relationship from him.He has stated that he's not capable of committing to me so that's it...I want to get over him & pretend he never existed. This is the part that stuck out for me. I think you need to take a different frame of mind. It is obvious you can't pretend he never existed because it is hurting you so much. You can't deny the relationship existed and trying to blot it out entirely will only cause you more pain with the constant intrusion of his existence as he has been doing. My thought would be that the next time he tries to make contact with you, instead of the petulant half-ignoring, phone-staring attitude, look him squarely in the eye and say: "I have asked you before and I need you to take me seriously this time: Seeing you and talking with you HURTS ME more than you can know. I need you to respect my space and my wishes and just leave me alone until I am healed more. Maybe then - and only when I decide - might we be able to be friends. But not now." Leave at that. Don't respond to texts - something like this has to be done in person and with intent. I had to do this with my last Ex; he would bump into me on the street and try the same tactic and I had to play the ignore game. Re-emphasizing the pain I was feeling every few months was the only way he would start staying away from me. Best of luck...
KS11 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I know exactly what you feel, and just how hard it is 1) to try and maintain the friendship and 2) to resist the urge to contact just in the hope that that last message might be the one that changes things. I've been going back and forth between going NC and trying to keep her in my life for almost 10 months now and like you say, i would really like it if one day we could be friends again, so i want to find a polite way to say 'leave me alone'. But, in the same breath i dont want her too!! Its the hardest thing! I've tried the ignoring messages, but i fold after about 6 hours...thing is, i know she knows that its never going to be me who gives up, so she has complete power over what happens. I too wish i never met her. so much. I wish i had never gone on that stupid trip to Bali and been blown away from the second i met her. I wish i could hate her.. Sorry this hasnt been much help...but i just wanted you to know that you're not alone!
HumptyDumpty Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Well, thing is that I can't regret and forget he ex, I mean, there were good times... However, thing that makes me sick is being the slave of my ex. Him knowing that I always answer the phone, that I can't cut off all contact... And him, the time being before dating someone new, won't be alone. Just being some entertainment, fighting odd his boredom! And that's where I find my limits, I'm completely honest about what I feel, and ignoring my wishes is not only selfish but hurting me, that's why I need to cut him out at the moment! Now, surely, I'd like to be friends but later on. If later on he wouldn't wish to be my friend again, I'll respect it. But that person wouldn't have been a friend anyways to begin with. Just some thought-brainfart
Author dsw31 Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 Well I saw him twice today.Once passing by driving,pretended not to see him. Then later on... I turned the corner, as I was walking my dog & he crept up from behind me on a bicycle.It was so unexpected so I didn't really have time to think.I just gave him a look of disguist (he drives his bike to the lakefront to try to pickup women)He knows that I know that & he akwardly giggled & said "What?I can't even ride my bike anymore?"& lingered there, hoping I would respond & I just waved my hand & said "just go"
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