robaday Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 She came back, we hung out a lot over the last month, argued a lot, and while its clear shes serious, shes also pressuring me like hell. Its my sisters birthday coming up - a big party. And the ex is devastated i havent invited her. She keeps having a go at me over it. Fact is, we had a brutal breakup, and Im not at the stage of showing her off to the world. I can understand why shes upset, but she doesnt seem to appreciate that damage was done, and its not so easy for me. I dont know what to do. We dont seem to understand each other at the moment.
tufa4311 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Quick question: does this resemble the sort of relationship you had the first time around? Is this how you guys interacted with each other then?
Author robaday Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Twas always I wasnt committed enough, even though at least before things got rocky, I had been. She broke up over it, but has since become more independent, and begged for me back. But, Im between a rock and a hard place right now - she begged for me back, put in loads of work to see me, and now, is becoming increasingly demanding. I kicked her out a week ago, because she threatened to break up with me if i didnt put "all or nothing" in. Put it this way, it didnt make me want to commit at all, just made me feel even more insecure and closed off. I love her. But I fear that maybe the damage is done this time. Im not ready to fully let go, but Im wayy more emotionally guarded than Ive ever been, and i feel like a part of me is shut off.
tufa4311 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Doesn't sound too good. You say she has become more independent but she's begging and demanding and threatening? That's not independent... She needs to back off and stop making demands of other people but it's not for me or you to tell her how to act. So....the only thing you can do is tell her how you feel, tell her what you are looking for, and what you are not looking for. Then it'll be up to her to decide what she wants to do. If she is willing to respect your limits then it'll be her turn to tell you how she feels and what she's looking for and it'll be up to you to decide if you can do that. Main thing is to stop, stop, stop acting like kids - no yelling, kicking or screaming. No demanding, no threats. Give this a try - I don't know how you have been acting up until this point but why don't you start acting a bit more mature (if you haven't already), show her what you're looking for and don't accept her acting like a kid. Don't be mean, just be honest and act like you want her to act.
Author robaday Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 Thanks for your advice. I agree with you. She wants to settle down. She wants to be a priority in my life. BUT, heres the BUT, perhaps shes looking at the wrong guy now? perhaps by breaking up with me, she has set her own search back by some time. And thats my concern. In another 2 months, if Im not her EVERYTHING, shell go again. And thats not my fault, nor hers, its just what happens when two people break up. And, I dont want to be the fall guy. I dont want to be commiting, and setting myself back, if shes willing to run, because Im not enough for her after just 2 months of talking again.
tufa4311 Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Ya, I know what you mean. But, we all have to stick our neck out sometimes. It's up to you to decide if she's worth it. You can't predict the future, and you can't ask her to promise you to do or not do something 2 months from now. If you feel that she will get up and run in a short time if you don't give her all she wants, and that doesn't work for you, then don't reconnect wit her. It's kind of weird though. You say she wants to be a priority in your life - but yet you don't trust that she'll stick around which would mean that you aren't a priority in her life... Do you know she'll leave if you are not her Everything? or is this just based on the past? Have you sat down this time around and asked her? Remember, this is your time to tell her how you feel and what you want. If you haven't already, have a talk with her and tell her you need a commitment - not a promise she'll be with you forever - but a commitment that she'll try to work with you through relationship issues and not expect to get all she wants all the time. There seems to be a lot you don't know, a lot of "if's". Don't base your assumptions on the past - sit down, come ready with clear questions, and have a talk with her about what your needs are and what your expectations are. And ask her to bring her needs with her so she can talk to you about them. It's ALL about communication. Communication is information - and we use information to make decisions.
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