I am afraid of keeping female friends

[venusianx13]

I'll try to make a long story short: I was horribly bullied by a group of mean-spirited girls Freshman year of high school. I was so impacted by the bullying that I was forced to switch schools. The rest of my high school "career" was great, and I managed to make many new friends and even became relatively popular.

 

However, from about age 22-25, I had trouble yet again with a group of mean-spirited girls. I became close with some girls who turned out to be incredibly back-stabbing and for lack of a better word: crazy. All of this emerged because I withdrew from the social group when I figured out for myself that they were basically toxic individuals who were constantly craving competition. If one girl from our group was not around during a get together, they were spoken about incessantly (I did not join in on the gossip, it's not my style). I realized that the same must be true for those times when I was not around. During this time, I was also maintaining a frienship with a girl who I honestly thought I could trust. I was a single parent, and my ex-fiance and I had separated when I was 23, when our son was a few months old. Turns out that my friend was being friendly with my ex, and telling him everything I told her about my personal life. I wasn't doing anything wrong, it was just details about whether or not I was seeing anyone and who, things I would say about my ex (who happened to be a Rx drug-addict at the time) and so forth. Going back to the group of girls, they ended up harassing me relentlessly when I wanted to withdrawl from the group. I wanted a quiet escape, but instead dealt with, in all honesty, years of torment (via prank phone calls, texts, online messages, etc.) I was also dealing with the latter situation around the same time, and told my friend that I knew she was speaking about me with my son's dad. I was the only stable parent in this scenario, and this was beyond betrayal... the girl fully admitted to having done so, and we went our separate ways. She still reaches out to me from time to time, hoping to reconcile...I forgive her, but I do not think I can become close with her again, at least not yet.

 

I have a few casual female friends, but I am deathly afraid of becoming close with them. I am far closer to my male friends, and I have an abundance of them. However, the bond with my male friends is somewhat superficial... and I'm really missing a close female connection; a genuine one.

 

Also, I might add, I have a fantastic boyfriend who is probably the best friend I've ever had. I believe he's "the one" and everyone tells me they think he'll propose soon, and I am a very happy, lucky lady. However, again, I miss having a girlfriend. For obvious, "girly" reasons.

 

This was something I needed to put out there, but any advice would be appreciated.

[NoMagicBullet]

While I'm not adverse to female friends and have some very good ones, I understand where you are coming from. Women can be real backstabbers over the most petty things. It makes me roll my eyes when I hear references to "sisterhood" and "unbreakable bonds between women".

 

Maybe take some more time to get to know the casual female friends you do have. What kind of people are they? What kind of activities are the involved with? How do they act around and with other people? I guess, what kind of character is indicated here? Are they they sort of people who tend to gossip and put down others, or are they considerate and have some discretion? Do they seem like they genuinely care about others, or do they give off a two-faced vibe?

 

I don't know if these are a group of women or individuals who don't know each other well -- I think you'd do much better with one-on-one friendships with women rather than a group. That's actually how my closest female friends are -- they are not in the same social circles at all. I think a single-gender group dynamic can prohibit close, trusting friendships. Eventually, two people have an argument or stop being friends, and I really hate to invoke stereotypes here, but with women, it is so much drama when it happens! Personally, I can't stand that kind of thing.

 

So I guess my advice would be to find and cultivate friendships with individual women who don't run in female-centered packs.

[freestyle]

Yikes, what a horrible thing for your ex-friend(s) to do.

 

Divulging information about your life to your ex is unforgivable.

 

It's amazing what some people will do for attention. I'm incredulous that she would expect to rekindle a friendship with you after that.

 

I just had the same experience with a female friend of over a decade--although she did it with my SO, who I'm still currently with. It felt like I'd been sucker-punched.

 

So, I understand that pain--it's the kind of betrayal that leaves a person feeling violated.

 

I agree with the above poster---you may be better off investing in one-on-one friendships with females. And take your time, before trusting too quickly.

 

 

I understand missing that in your life, I'm feeling the same thing right now. I've made a couple of good female friends here on LS, but I miss being able to have a girl's night in, or a girl's night out with someone who lives close by.

[sally4sara]

I went through this and I think many people do go through this. Its a bad habit from your childhood. The impulse to not just have friends but to have intensely codependent friendships. It comes from having a weak self identity. But you're getting better. You're starting to be able to recognize the signs that a person you've met is toxic.

 

Do they talk crap on other people to you? They will do the same about you to other people.

Do they make friendships based not on the enjoyment of someone's company but rather on what those people can do for them? They will only like you so long as you give give give and ask for nothing in return.

Are they full of statements like "I hate people who" or "I don't like people that"? They are perhaps overly judgmental and will eventually turn that judgement on you.

 

The reason why you see this out of your women friends more is because men tend to build friendships based on mutual interests whether or not the people share values with them. I have lost track of how many times I've heard a guy defend some other guy he knows has done something unsavory with "Well he's alright to hang around now and then". They are not so much defending the guy or his actions but why they have been associating with the guy up to that point.

Women tend more towards grouping together based on personal values and then share every little detail about their life with each other until one shares something that doesn't fit the others personal values. When their friend does something they don't approve of, they feel it says something about them for having been a friend to them in the first place. That is why women tend to have more intense friendships that burn out quickly while men tend to have longer but more casual friendships.

 

Instead of trying to seek out yet another super close female friendship or swearing off female friends entirely, just make friends based on mutual interests and be slower to open up on a personal level. Your friends don't have to be your confession booth.

[Devon5]

Okay, No problem, don't keep any female friend if you afraid about them. If you think that male friends are better than female friends then make friendship with boys.