irc333 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 ...why is this? No, not considering having an affair or anything, but I've never been so comfortable around married women when conversing with them, and they seem so open to talking to me as well. But their single friends, total stuck up snobs. Trying to get any kind of conversation out of them is like pulling teeth. Anyone know why this is? If the married women I'm speaking to now, currently, if they were single, would they follow suit of their single friends? OR perhaps that's the reason her single friends are still single?
Author irc333 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Single women don't have their hands in a wallet yet and are hence more on edge. I'm not sure what you mean, you mean gold diggers are more at ease with other men, once they have a man that's supporting them?
sally4sara Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Its because you're more at ease around a woman you are not trying to get into bed. and because you're more at ease - so are they. 2
Author irc333 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Its because you're more at ease around a woman you are not trying to get into bed. and because you're more at ease - so are they. Yeah, but it seems when you ask about her single friend Sally, she isn't willing to introduce you or talk about her single friends to you. "Hey, is that friend of yours, is she single?" Married woman, "Yes, she is" Not "yes she is, let me introduce you to her!" Some peopel with single friends aren't willing to help out much.
Author irc333 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 It's kind of sad, and backwards it's that way. This one woman's single friend is good friends with the married woman, and I'm pretty good friends with that married couple....but her single friend(s) won't give me the time of day. I personally think that some people won't introduce someone to their single friend, because they know that that person is a miserable person to be around, but won't say that about their friend. I do have another good female friend, she had a lot of women with her on Facebook events she went to. I'd ask her about them, and she'd say, "Sorry, I know you're looking to date, but she is looking for a man with DEEP pockets...as most of my female friends are looking for just that....deep pockets. SHe DID finally find someone she KNEW I'd be compatible with...very attractive, but was rather conservative and shy.....she never did follow up on it, so I asked her, "Hey, I thought you were wanting to set me up with your firend?" She said, "Meh, she's now dating a douche'"
Imajerk17 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 (edited) irc, I'm noticing a certain victim-like thinking coming through in your threads. It's like there is a conspiracy to keep you down. Every one of your threads to the best of my recollection reads something like this: "Single women where I live are: -stuck-up -guarded, -into douches, -gold-diggers, -chat with me like crazy over phone/text/Facebook, but they never want to meet up -flakey -leery of good guys like me but are super-responsive to losers. And our married mutual friends are cock-blocking me!" And yet you seem unwilling to do much about it--either (a) moving, or (b) trying to figure out and improve how you are coming across. This very thread isn't you asking for advice so much as it is about putting blame on others for your not dating as you want--i.e., how guarded single women are and how crazy/irrational they are for it. A victim-like attitude isn't attractive to women you know. Edited August 3, 2012 by Imajerk17 5
xxoo Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Single women risk leading men on if they are too friendly. Men interpret friendliness as sexual interest. Married women can be their social, friendly selves around men without that problem. They won't set up their friend without checking with the friend first. The friend will give the ok, or not. When a single woman is interested in you, it is a whole different story! That's the part you need to work on: generating interest. 2
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Because you can just be yourself with them with no pressure. I have the same experience. I find it very easy to be friends with my friend's husbands and boyfriends. They usually tell me I am "so cool" and ask my friends why I am not seeing anyone. Single people feel a lot more pressure and uptightness. Especially around each other sometimes with expectations. We forget how to just interact with someone as a human being. I get much more uptight around single men then I do married ones. With married ones, it takes the edge off of having to be someone other then myself.
Imajerk17 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Single women risk leading men on if they are too friendly. Men interpret friendliness as sexual interest. Married women can be their social, friendly selves around men without that problem. They won't set up their friend without checking with the friend first. The friend will give the ok, or not. When a single woman is interested in you, it is a whole different story! That's the part you need to work on: generating interest. Very true. (1) If I ever were to become a dating coach, I would have my shy "newbie" clients approach married women and say to them "If I didn't see the ring on your finger, I'd totally be hitting on you!". As long as the guy is respectful and doesn't linger too long whenever he does this, he will get a great reaction almost every time. The women genuinely will be flattered and that positive response will help the guy's confidence. That doesn't necessarily mean the guy is attractive to women. The reason why the guy is getting great responses from the married women anyway is that she has a guaranteed non-awkward way to turn the guy down--she just has to say that she is married (or engaged or has a serious boyfriend). It's safe for her to enjoy the compliment in the meanwhile. The real test of a guy's attractiveness is how single available women react to him. (2) Many people are actually leery of setting their friends up because if it doesn't work, their friendship suffers some strain. I had two "set-up" dates in my entire life and neither went anywhere and there were some hard feelings. It would take something special for me to consider doing it again. 1
sally4sara Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Yeah, but it seems when you ask about her single friend Sally, she isn't willing to introduce you or talk about her single friends to you. "Hey, is that friend of yours, is she single?" Married woman, "Yes, she is" Not "yes she is, let me introduce you to her!" Some peopel with single friends aren't willing to help out much. I use to try to hook people up. But then I learned that it puts a lot of pressure on people to date someone they didn't notice on their own. Now I do the same. I'll answer a direct question but its not my responsibility to serve my guy friends up some play. I'm not a pimp; I don't own my female friends. If a female friend of mine and a guy friend of mine take an interst in each other of their own motivation - great. But I don't owe my guy friends access to my female friends and I don't own or speak for my female friends. They are their own people and can choose a guy for themselves. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like it if a female friend of yours was always trying to foist women on you that you didn't notice as attractive or have any interest in sexually.
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I use to try to hook people up. But then I learned that it puts a lot of pressure on people to date someone they didn't notice on their own. Now I do the same. I'll answer a direct question but its not my responsibility to serve my guy friends up some play. I'm not a pimp; I don't own my female friends. If a female friend of mine and a guy friend of mine take an interst in each other of their own motivation - great. But I don't owe my guy friends access to my female friends and I don't own or speak for my female friends. They are their own people and can choose a guy for themselves. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like it if a female friend of yours was always trying to foist women on you that you didn't notice as attractive or have any interest in sexually. No, you don't "owe" it to anyone. But if you had a guy friend like OP who perpetually struggled with dating, it would be nice to help him out a bit. You don't have to of course, I'm just saying.
proseandpassion Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I get along with 'taken' men very well, too, and I think it's because I have completely ruled them out as an option and I can just be chill and fun and be myself and not worry so much about making a good impression.
Imajerk17 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 No, you don't "owe" it to anyone. But if you had a guy friend like OP who perpetually struggled with dating, it would be nice to help him out a bit. You don't have to of course, I'm just saying. Well, if the married friend's single girl friend isn't happy with the set-up, the friendship between them will have some strain put on it. I agree with sally4sara, AND I wonder whether irc's married female friends actually find him to be an attractive guy. 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Well, if the married friend's single girl friend isn't happy with the set-up, the friendship between them will have some strain put on it. I agree with sally4sara, AND I wonder whether irc's married female friends actually find him to be an attractive guy. You don't actually have to go so far as to set them up on an actual date. But, maybe have some kind of mutual get together with them and others or maybe help him out in other less hands on ways. Of course the other possibility is that OP's "married friends" aren't really friends with him, he kind of just hangs around them like a nosy neighbor.
KathyM Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I think it's like a poster earlier in this thread said--single women don't talk to you because they are not interested in you, not because they are stuck up. They don't want to lead you on or give you the impression they are interested, so they realize they can't be friendly to you, or you will get the wrong impression of their intent. Married women, on the other hand, don't have this issue of not leading you on, so they can talk freely to you without repercussions. If you express an interest to be introduced to someone, and they don't comply, you could follow it up with "So when are you going to introduce me to so and so?". If she makes excuses why she can't, then you can assume either the single lady has told her she's not interested, or your married friend doesn't want to play matchmaker, in case the relationship doesn't go well. People sometimes find it difficult to play matchmaker, because if the ensuing relationship goes bad, it puts them in an uncomfortable position with both parties.
proseandpassion Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 My parents often lament that married people do not set up their single friends these days as they did when my parents were young. I have a TON of single male friends... the thing is, I wouldn't recommend any of my female friends date them I made the mistake of setting up a male friend and a female friend once. It was a disaster. He was such a flakey jerk to her that hearing about it from her drove me crazy.
udolipixie Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Perhaps you get along better with married women because likely they don't have to guess your motivate as you know they're married and they can be friendly without you thinking it means they want to date or f*ck you. While their single friends likely think them being friendly will be taken as romantic or sexual interest and they may get accused of leading him on. It's possible their single friends aren't "total stuck up snobs" but that they don't want to talk to you and aren't obligated to give you their attention and time because you want it.
Author irc333 Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 Well, perhaps "Fix up" is not the correct word, but introduce them. Like if you are having a get together at a public venue, a BBQ or pool party at your house. Invite both your male and female friends to the event, and let it go from there. That way, there will be no pressure on your or them. This is rather the most common way people have met. Most times, people have met through other friends. If you ask anyone how they got together, you would say this is the most common. I use to try to hook people up. But then I learned that it puts a lot of pressure on people to date someone they didn't notice on their own. Now I do the same. I'll answer a direct question but its not my responsibility to serve my guy friends up some play. I'm not a pimp; I don't own my female friends. If a female friend of mine and a guy friend of mine take an interst in each other of their own motivation - great. But I don't owe my guy friends access to my female friends and I don't own or speak for my female friends. They are their own people and can choose a guy for themselves. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like it if a female friend of yours was always trying to foist women on you that you didn't notice as attractive or have any interest in sexually.
sally4sara Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Well, perhaps "Fix up" is not the correct word, but introduce them. Like if you are having a get together at a public venue, a BBQ or pool party at your house. Invite both your male and female friends to the event, and let it go from there. That way, there will be no pressure on your or them. This is rather the most common way people have met. Most times, people have met through other friends. If you ask anyone how they got together, you would say this is the most common. That is what I do. Do you think when I have a gathering at my house I only invite one gender of friends at a time? And if I go out for a few drinks, I don't have much control over who shows up to a public place. Its just not a wise practice to spend my evening making my friends uncomfortable by acting like I know who should pair up with who and laying on the pressure with cheesy hints.
ascendotum Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 But their single friends, total stuck up snobs. Trying to get any kind of conversation out of them is like pulling teeth. Anyone know why this is? I strongly suspect its because your are a decent ' nice' guy but you don't give women butterflys, create chemistry ie. get them wet. The married women dont feel threatened that you are going to want to get in their panties or ask them out if they are nice to you, so they are fine talking to you as a regular friend. I have a friend who complained about the same thing, and I used to see him get on like a house on fire with women who were already in relationships, but when it came to single women he was more subdued..partly out of nervousness but also because the single women were not really interested in him, so he had to struggle to keep the conversations going which excerbated his nervousness. Bottom line, its a crap outcome, and it should bug you. You really want to be on the other side of this fence, and you have to change something about yourself so this does not stay this way. You should ask them, why it is this way and what came you do to make yourself more appealing to their single women friends...assuming you get a legit, no fluffy bs response. If the married women I'm speaking to now, currently, if they were single, would they follow suit of their single friends? If these women got divorced I doubt they would go snobby on you, but you would always just be the nice male 'friend'. If you did not know them so well beforehand I strongly suspect yes. There have been a number of girls I was interested in who where aloof when single, then when they got a bf, where way more chirpier & willing to tell me a lot more personal info about themsleves. Well its nice but too late.
eleanorhurting Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 you know just because someone is single does not mean that they want men hurled at them. If I was single and my taken friends would be constantly introducing me to their single friends I would be annoyed. Just let things happen naturally. The bbq idea is good. But don't push for it. I did that when I was single and now I cringe. I am sure I came off as desperate to several of my friends at times and desperate is not sexy!
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 you know just because someone is single does not mean that they want men hurled at them. If I was single and my taken friends would be constantly introducing me to their single friends I would be annoyed. Just let things happen naturally. The bbq idea is good. But don't push for it. I did that when I was single and now I cringe. I am sure I came off as desperate to several of my friends at times and desperate is not sexy! You're younger than the OP. When you get to be his age and perpetually single you might end up being as desperate as you think he sounds.
eleanorhurting Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 You're younger than the OP. When you get to be his age and perpetually single you might end up being as desperate as you think he sounds. Who knows!
AD1980 Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Bottom line, its a crap outcome, and it should bug you. You really want to be on the other side of this fence, and you have to change something about yourself so this does not stay this way. You should ask them, why it is this way and what came you do to make yourself more appealing to their single women friends...assuming you get a legit, no fluffy bs response. Sometimes its as simple as not being physically attractive to women,looks play a huge part wheter we want to admti it or not,without it you cant even get your foot in the door
Author irc333 Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 Dismantled....you know that you might be on to something there...you recall that, "I cuddled with a man's wife" thread that was posted on THIS very site? And she let him? See what I'm saying here? I'm thinking it's also because even married women have been with the same man for all this time, that validation from her husband alone isn't enough. Attention from men OTHER than her husband is quite appealing to them. Maybe even nostalgic of her single days. Just a theory though I'm going to let you in on a little secret IRC, women who are in marriages and relationships are also easy to sleep with than women who are single. Married women usually let their guard down and allow guys who they would've never looked twice at get in close, because of that assumption. However, a lot of these women , when they open up to certain men they never would've when single, may find out some amazing things about these men and actualy fall in love with them. What happens after that differs from situation to situation, but don't do it if their married to a good guy or someone you care about like a friend (and trust me, such degenerates will actually THROW themselves at you as soon as their marriage has the slightest hiccup for them to rationalize their cheating with. Not worth hurting your friend or a harmless dupe over some snatch. Instead what you should do when she does that, is hold her arms back and give the guy she's cheating on a few free punches). Not to mention , women who are married don't get out as much and aren't hit on as much as single women. I'd actually say my life experience has taught me that it's easier to seduce married women than single women, sometimes they even try to seduce you! Isn't that pathetic? Single women are incredibly standoffish and defensive and are getting too much attention from all directions to give you 5 minutes of their time (unless you got a really spectacular act that sparkles in the first 5 minutes)
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